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Yes, WW is refusing my request that she tell the kids she fell in love with another man and has been lying to me and the family about it for three months.

You don't need her permission. Do what's right and tell them the truth.

She doesn't matter now. I can tell you one thing.

You as far as she's concerned haven't matter for awhile now.

The sooner you tell the other mans wife the better. Why are you waiting. I know you are going thru hell but you seem to be handling this like a champ.The O/Ms wife, once she knows what her POS husband is doing could very well end up being your biggest ally in this mess. The best way to inform her is face to face. Not a letter. She needs to see that you are a real person with real emotions. You will find out much more if you meet her an tell her face to face. Remember,knowledge is power.Stay strong.

About the medicine, it doesnt work well unless you use it before bed. It liquifies and wont stay put so that it can cover all the skin. Walking around after use would do little good so I think her story is most likely nonsense. Also, infections are awful and most ladies would want that medicine to work as well as possible not let it drain out and not do its work. Its a weak excuse because who uses that messy medicine when they are out and about- it would be counter productive

Yes, WW is refusing my request that she tell the kids she fell in love with another man and has been lying to me and the family about it for three months. Your response - "Its unfortunate you feel this way"

And she's accused me of "signaling" to them that something is wrong and trying to destroy her relationship with them. "I see things differently" And said she would report this request to her attorney. - "Do what you need to do, I will do the same."

My response is better to get it all out now because her relationship with them will really be damaged if they learn about it in the future. And so will mine.

The only good news is all conversations/arguments are now via text so there are written records.

Keep your responses short, to the point, and without emotion. No snide remarks, no snarky smile, cool, calm and dispassionate.

Do not give away any of your information.

Start detaching - start the 180!

Also, it doesn't matter what is dripping out of her vagina! You shouldn't give a rats ass what is going on in her panties! That's her AP's problem now.

On second thought it is probably something the OBS is wondering about, always fighting a yeast infection that is being passed back and forth by her spouse.

When are you going to tell the OBS her health maybe at risk?

So, yesterday was interesting. I think the gravity of the situation is beginning to dawn on her.

I went for a bike ride and then took myself out to lunch and a movie. When I came home about 4 p.m., I went to the basement to watch the football game. To my surprise, she came in. Since I wasn't feeling particularly hostile at the moment, I invited to sit with me and watch the game -- I'm trying to be a little civil, especially with the kids in the house. So, she sat down. For an hour. And I could see in her face she wanted to talk. But I didn't say anything.

And then it came.

1) A plea to not let lawyers control the process. I think she's out of money.

2) But then, basically telling me her lawyer will be sending me a letter threatening my custody because I asked her to tell the kids about the OM. To which I responded my attorney would be forced to react forcefully and aggressively, so if she really doesn't want lawyers controlling the process, she might wish to refrain from allowing her lawyer make such threats. As an aside, I can already tell that the lawyers at the moment pose more of a threat to some sort of relatively peaceful resolution of this than we do to each other.

3) She walked back comments she made previously about deliberately not working to drive up alimony.

4) She said she would look for an apartment and move out and let me stay in the house with the kids. (How that squares with #2, I do not know). This was huge.

5) She asked me to check at work about whether she can buy into my health insurance. She's already covered this year, and I'm not so heartless as to leave her without it since she had medical issues and is still the mother of my children. But, yeah, I think reality is staring her smack in the face.

6) She actually said she regrets everything. Although I cannot tell whether she means her behavior, involving lawyers, or getting caught.

I was calm, civil, and unyielding. And then I promptly told my lawyer everything she said.

Aucky

You are doing the right things. She may be regretting things but she sure does not feel the pain she has caused you.

Keep moving forward as you are. She is giving you nothing to work with.

If someday a remorseful WW shows up, you can evaluate things at that time.

Here is a list of characteristics exhibited by truly remorseful WS’s. Until she becomes that person, keep on the path you are on, read and implement THE 180 found here in the Healing Library and take care of yourself and your kids.

You can’t work on the marriage with someone who is still in love with and pining for someone else.

Good luck.

——

I believe You currently no where near have a remorseful wife in front of you. If you did, you would know it.

- She would be inconsolable with the thought of how she was the cause of so much pain to the person she loves most in the world.

- she would be begging to know what she could do to make it right.

- for you she would want to let everyone know it was her that screwed up, not you.

- she would want to read books on how to support her BS. She proactively orders them and starts reading. She actively discussed what she is reading

- she would be in IC as much as possible to figure out what went wrong with her and how she could do this to the person she loves most in the world. She proactively schedules this for herself and also proactively asks her therapist for IC recommendations for you to help you deal with the pain she has caused.

- she would feel your pain more than her own and put your happiness ahead of hers.

- she would follow your lead when it comes to intimacy, trying to figure out what you need to feel connected again

- she will gladly answer your questions at any time day or night with no objections

- she would write you a letter of apology highlighting how she must have made you feel

- she would proactively create a comprehensive plan to repair the marriage and help you heal

- she would focus most on your well being, ignoring her own

- she would realize what the OM really is and start being sick at the thought of him/her. She would start calling him/her names like POS for how he helped her destroy her life.

- They show remorse thru actions, not words. Examples of this could be that they proactively prepared a written timeline of what happened and are as thorough and factual as they can be.

- Other examples are: They book a polygraph when you are available to attend. And they buy a GPS tracker for their car so they can give you peace of mind. They sell something of value to only them to pay for these things so the cost doesn't come from your joint funds (e.g. Collectibles or jewelry or exercise equipment).

If they are only showing Regret and not Remorse then they will only be giving you words, not actions: e.g. "I'm so sorry. But you can trust me now. I promise you I've told you the whole truth: e.g. "You can trust me now. I love you. It didn't mean anything. I know I messed up - do you forgive me? I was so stupid, but I've learned from my mistakes. It's in the past now and we can move forward. I love you more now than I ever have. I promise it will never happen again, can we move on?"

Finally. THE EFFORT PUT INTO RECONCILIATION! If the betrayer doesn't work harder at repairing the relationship than they did to damage it, it isn't going to work no matter if you stay together or not. They need to be working harder at R than you are.

Dulicate post

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:47 AM, January 7th (Monday)]

A lot of us here would be vindictive towards our WS, but you're a class act. Although your WS put you through this horrific situation, you still have the decency to make sure she is taken care off. I tip my hat to you, sir!

Regarding your WS remorse, I don't think she's there yet. IMO, she is in survival mode, knowing the plan she concocted with her OM blew up in her face. She's trying to gather as much scraps as she can get before the gravy train leaves the station.

You're doing great! How are your kids doing with all the things happening around them?

As an aside, I can already tell that the lawyers at the moment pose more of a threat to some sort of relatively peaceful resolution of this than we do to each other.

Be careful thinking this way. My xWW started talking about how we could work things out on our own without a lawyer. How we could just talk to each other and save money. Then she took everything I said that I thought was between us like she asked and took it to her lawyer. It was a tactic from her attorney to have me negotiating without one.

Stay focus... Let your attorney handle everything.

“Remorse” was too strong a word. There is no remorse. I just see the beginnings of regret as it’s dawning on her how badly she has messed things up.

There is no reconciliation in the cards. Our life together is over. I don’t care whether she does all these things listed above. I am not interested. And that’s not some vindictive, emotional feeling.

My only concern going forward is whether we can ever get to a point where we can at least be OK again since we both love the kids.

But I am looking to my future. Perhaps for the first time in a decade. If I could fast forward a year or two to get there, that would be super. But I know I have to take one day at a time.

The only thing she really really regrets is not covering her tracks better and getting caught. Don't fall for fake remorse. Read carefully what StevesN wrote: - Actions speak louder than empty words.

Her threatening custody tells you the most. Anything attorneys do is at clients instructions, remember that. Keep protecting yourself.

Is the OM - the web designer to your knowledge married? Have a girlfriend?

Don't fall for the lie or bullying tactic that begins with: my lawyer said ....or my lawyer will....

Oh, I know it's scare tactics.

My therapist says they're trying to put a gag order on me.

But there's no filing yet, so no judge. So no gag order is possible.

I am just going to let my attorney handle it. What she doesn't know is if they do this, she will probably receive all of the documentation of the child care I did while she was off on her dalliances.

One thing I will say that's changed around here: Her phone is no longer glued to her. I don't think they're talking currently. Not that I really give a crap.

Best to get OBS notified asap -

Unglued phone - he has probably dumped her. Textbook.

That's why I asked if he has a significant other. Her sudden 'cooperation' and 'regret' made me think she has been thrown under the bus by the OM and now time for plan B.

[This message edited by BrooklynGuy at 11:27 AM, January 7th (Monday)]

Her attorney is probably telling her to lay off the phone use and act like a fucking adult parent instead of a teenage girl who discovered boys and booze. My XW did the same thing, suddenly flip behavior when the D shit got real.

Aucky, check with your attorney but it sounds like she could also be ripe for a "fair" amount cash out offer on the assets with custodial arrangement in your favor. Its usually these times when they feel painted into a corner that they will grasp at any exit offer to ease the pain. She's stuck between losing the OM and losing her kids. Presenting an offer that makes her think she could possibly keep the OM and contact with the kids will be like a ray of fucking sunshine through her dark clouds of regret.

Make it only a very short limited time offer. She can take it to her lawyer for clarity but one modification of the terms and the deal is off. Otherwise, she agrees to it and it is in writing you can avoid the long drawn out contentious battle. The kids are in their teens. They are going to have more say in the custody decision anyway (likely choosing to stay with you full time). Maybe still offer that YOU will not tell the kids about her affair in exchange for you getting the custodial agreement you want. She can come out smelling like a rose (for the time being). The kids are going to find out the real reason anyway and sooner than you think.

Since you are going full steam on D, DO NOT EXPOSE TO THE OBS UNTIL AFTER THE D IS FINAL. Objective here is to keep your STBXW focused on building a future with the OM. If the OM thinks he can keep getting free tail during the duration of the D process that's only going to help you reach your objectives by making your STBXW think she will be reaching hers. Telling the OBS this early is likely to make the OM prematurely throw your STBXW under the bus.

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[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:21 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Aucky,

Like you and everyone says, let the lawyers handle it. Stay indifferent and disassociate from all things but the minimum. Anything else will work against you in the end.

This course of action is taking it's toll, just have patience and let her realization of just how screwed she is set in. Time is on your side now.