SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry AG, but it looks like you are the father (who funds everything), and your WW is married to the OM, as she seems to spend more care and effort in maintaining a relationship with him than you.

in the past 2006 she was having a full on affair.

Super huge red flag. The odds are that she is already in a full-on affair with the new guy.

You need to start looking out for yourself and your kids. Good chance you will get the ILYBNILWY speech soon.

Stop letting her use your stuff to carry on her affair, otherwise you will be enabling her even more.

So I had it out with her she has agreed she is in the wrong and will cease all contact! She is prepared to have an open phone Social medai policy but says if she does she will resent me and probably end up hateing me! Thinks talking to her female friends privately is totally ok???? im not sure . My psychologist said to me any messages you send to other people male/female should be able to be read by your partner without hurting or upsetting them. I dont know if this is too black and white. My wife is a ED nurse I drive an Ambulance casually inbetween her shifts. She has even called my collegues to say I was suicidal ( I was seriously distressed and said I wasnt safe i had made a doctors appt and was waiting the 2 hours until it was time to go! It made things SO much better not!! She is the main bread winner in our marriage since her cheating ended my last elite Firefighting career! Been the house dad for my daughter since she was 2 now 11

Forgot to mention on about the 20th December when they had beers at the pub and saw them later that night his son came running to our place his father had hit or pushed him hurt him and smashed all the walls in his house and he ran to our place. My wife took the kid to his mothers house and then went back down to his house to check on him after I said not too it wasnt safe. I called the cops for 2 reasons I hate the guy and anyone that hits kids needs to be accountable. Long story short his x wife has restraining orders on him and the cops took his guns away $40000 worth!! deserved it

AG , I am sorry you joined our club. In regards to your wife reluctantly agreeing to be "transparent" and saying she will resent you. She is the one who destroyed the trust to begin with . Not you. Besides there should be no secrets in a marriage anyways .

The concern is this is past behavior as well. She has cheated before and then she starts hanging out with a strange guy who "is down on his luck" with no disregard for how you feel? It doesnt appear she respects you. She also doesnt have very good boundries . You have decide if R is worth it . Right now she isnt remorseful at all.

R =reconciliation? After talking to her today about many heated issuse I finally said I'm not at the point of killing myself I'm at the point of divorce! The tide changed. She says she is at fault but that i have been sick for years and that the burden she has carried was huge. I'm not angry! im hurt that she let me down again! I'm over her hurting me time and time again! She suggested that i "date" her again to fix the situation! I said how about you date me! I'm not in the wrong not perfect but not in the wrong here. She is using her working making the $ a real issue been putting me down. She hates it when I say I get more $ per hour than she does! I get less hours but she hates it

[This message edited by AnonGuy3333 at 5:17 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

[This message edited by AnonGuy3333 at 5:16 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

quadruple text sorry

[This message edited by AnonGuy3333 at 5:16 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

The resentment and hate remarks might turn out to be true but only because she's passing the blame to you instead of taking responsibility for her own actions causing all this mess. Your needs in the marriage are not a negotiation. If she starts resenting you, it's her fault...not yours.

I agree with what your psychologist said. Your wife isn't entitled to the luxury of having secrets with friends anymore after what she has done. I would forbid her from deleting messages. I would check her messages and bump them against your bill. Any missing messages would make me throw a fit. If none of this is worth it to her, then the marriage isn't worth it to her.

She doesn't sound sorry to me about it. I would definitely put a tracker on the vehicle if the title is in your name and do not tell her about it. If she goes back to his place, she's a possible lost cause.

The other guy isn't going to go away willingly either. He is probably going to do what he can to fight to keep her to include threatening to kill himself again. This isn't her problem to fix or help him with.

I can't say this is the best of advice but I'd probably text him from her phone with one huge message letting him know that he is a homewrecker POS and whatever else you have been dying to say to him this whole time without issuing any terroristic threats (bodily harm). Once he starts reading, he's not likely to stop in order to form a good rebuttal.

Immediately block his number from the phone...then change her number and have your carrier block his number from the service altogether. Don't waste your time on his words...they have no value to you or your marriage so just ignore him. That takes away his voice. The dirt bag doesn't have a car, doesn't have your wife, and doesn't have a voice...This is your chance to take any benefits and power he has over your relationship. It should also make you feel a little better winning at least the battle even if the war isn't over.

Your wife is at the very least emotionally invested in him. She will probably display her own emotional mood swings going through withdrawal or try to contact him some way behind your back.

The last thing I want to say is do not forget about your child. Keep her close and give her lots of extra love throughout this ordeal. I hope your wife fixes herself and commits to fixing the marriage with you. She owes it to her. You both do but you can only do so much. Kids suffer the most from divorces. I hate it that my kids' mother ruined ours and that they have to live in two separate homes now.

2 kids boy 14 girl 11 the guy lives 50meters down my street not stupid enough to assault him burn his house down i wont win there. think im going to have to look through her FB chat and messages and it will probably end the Fd Up marriage. See if there is any sexual photos of her on her phone that i havent seen before. She agreed to no more contact Boxing day 26th Dec she is still Facebook friends with him I checked she said she didnt want to delete them because it would look bad to me and she is probably right. Everytime my gut intuition has said something is wrong I have been right!

She needs to block him on Facebook in my opinion. This is her trying to keep him in her life somehow from my point of view. I don't see how it would look bad or how anyone would even really notice besides you and your wife...it's Facebook after all.

Even if it did somehow, do you really care? You really want any part of this man to remain in your life?

The money thing is weird too. She's using it like leverage and power against you?

A remorseful spouse will move mountains to win you back. Your wife does the minimum and does it begrudgingly. Not a good sign. Also blame shifting instead of taking responsibility. “I’m sorry,but..... “ is not remorse, just trying to excuse bad behavior. Only you can decide, but maybe that’s just who she is. Another self entitled , unremorseful cheater.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 7:03 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

Anon,

Not sure how you know what she is texting, just assuming you are getting access to her phone at some point.

in the past 2006 she was having a full on affair.

Super huge red flag. The odds are that she is already in a full-on affair with the new guy.

Rocket is probably correct, as most of us here probably have came to the same conclusion, if not, it's really close.

After her first affair, this is a walk away scenario for me. I'm not about to go through it again.

Has she admitted her sexting? I would suggest you take her phone, and ask her if she has anything she needs to tell you, because you are about to do a full recovery on her phone, recovering all her text messages. If she has lied about anything, she will need to start packing.

Then do it, you need to know exactly what was going on. Do a DrFone, or even better take it to a shop that can do it for you.

You are being played, and indeed enabling it all the time. That has to stop. TODAY.

This man is toxic to your marriage and complete and total NO CONTACT with him, and his whole family is required.

Think about this, her opinion of blocking him on stupid Facebook is more important than you and the marriage.

That's just fucked up all the way around.

Shut it down completely, or walk away and don't look back.

Let's get this out of the way. Her behavior is out of line for a M'd woman who values her M. End of story period.

The fact that she had an A already puts this even more into a boundary violation. She clearly doesn't accept responsibility for either. I think that only a very black and white direct action on your part may snap her out of her fantasy bubble.

It will hurt and it is sad, but honestly are you happy right now ? Unless she makes major changes this is what the rest of your M will look like.

If you are done, you are done. Proceed down that path knowing your are making the right choice. She needs to be doing a lot more than she is currently. Don't accept anything less.

As mentioned earlier in this thread you should probably go by the drugstore and get a paternity test for your daughter. An 11 year old when you know she was having an Affair in 2006 is uncomfortably close to me. I'm really sorry to say that to you but reading this story I would not put anything past your WW. She is a piece of work.

Also the A in 2006 wasn't with this guy was it? How long has she known this guy? The dynamic there with your child playing with the OM's child and the child coming to your WW when there is trouble is a real red flag. It strikes me that they have essentially set up house and started combining the families. The kids are siblings, your WW is the stepmom. If he is not the same man how does she know him? Have you ever met his ex-wife? If you know her you might call her. You may find out that they divorced over your WW and their relationship.

What is your ability to get back into the working world with a full-time job? With a 14 and an 11 year old they have more independence and don't necessarily need someone home all of the time taking care of them. I think gaining a measure of your own financial independence would help you mentally. You'd feel less trapped in this marriage financially, your self-esteem would improve and you'd see more options for your life I think.

Lastly if your WW wants to reconcile then she would be doing more. People here talk about going NC, NO CONTACT, which is basically just that. It means all contact stops, completely, immediately and forever. They don't stay FB friends, they don't see each other again. This is a minimum here but to me there is so much more. Your WW hasn't really admitted to anything has she? She hasn't told you about their relationship at all. A woman that is sending messages to a man about being topless and naked and then has lots of alone time while drinking with this same man is going to be physical with that man. Has she admitted to any physical contact at all?

I think one of the biggest mistakes we BS make when dealing with infidelity is telling the WS what to do and then expecting them to do it.

It’s like telling your alcoholic uncle Bob to lay off the booze, and then expecting him to have a come-to-Jesus moment just because you made that suggestion.

It won’t work. You can tell her not to talk to OM, not to be on social media, not to have secrets… and she can tell you OK and she agrees with everything. All the time telling OM she’s not wearing panties or that she’s strutting about the house with her tits in the air.

Try this for a change.

You tell her what YOU are going to do, and what you accept. And then you do it. See if she follows…

“Wife. I have realized that losing you isn’t the worst thing in the world. What is immensely worse is sharing you with another man. The moment you started having affairs is the moment I lost you. It’s only taken me this long to realize that.

You are free to see OM, be with OM, weed his garden and drink his beer. You can send him all the sexual content online you want. But not as my wife.

I am no longer chasing after you trying to keep this corpse of a marriage alive. I am moving out of infidelity.

While you are committed to your affairs I am taking the necessary steps to end our relationship. Both emotionally and officially. This takes time and follows a known process. We can try to do this amicably, but my goal is to detach and get out of this toxic relationship.

There is a small window of opportunity where we could save this marriage. I think our kids deserve we try, but even more I think they need a safer and more stable environment than the one we are in NOW.

If you on your own free will tell me you want this marriage and on your own free will tell me you will end the affairs AND if you comply with some reasonable conditions then I would be willing to see how things go. But it won’t stop me in the first steps of getting out of infidelity.

The conditions I need met are accountability, the truth, honesty and commitment.”

And then you simply walk away.

As mentioned earlier in this thread you should probably go by the drugstore and get a paternity test for your daughter. An 11 year old when you know she was having an Affair in 2006 is uncomfortably close to me.

I had missed that. That would be a requirement for me.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:08 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

as Sharkman said, 'dude' ?

She has had affairs in the past, one destorying your career and now this ?

She's the breadwinner, capitalize and move on to someone who will respect you more.

You are way too easy on her

^^^^^This^^^^^^^