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Newest Member: 321maison

Just Found Out :
There goes my life, question mark.

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Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

I had a sister in law who sort of acted like this. She was diagnosed bipolar. There was not an OC but long term affair. It seemed to me most of her problems were exacerbated by her deep religious upbringing and the fact that the life she had with my brother and their son was mostly because she let her parents guide her decision to marry my brother and have a child. He doesn’t think so but I always thought she wasn’t a great parent. Only worked occasionally but kid was in daycare and she would forget the kid’s birthday. She wound up leaving them both for OM on Christmas Day. She never looked back.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2018
id 8315780
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Jsmart ( member #56437) posted at 5:02 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Important things you know:

1. She's been with him for over a year.

2. She knowingly had sex with him while

ovulating.

3. Together they secretly had an expensive and

invasive test to verify paternity.

4. She's still openly in communication with

him.

5. He has a house that she help decorate and he

wants to be with her.

6. She proactively filled out and gave you D

papers.

7. She offered you full custody of your son

more than once.

Many times if you clear the noise, the simplest answer is given. She is in deep for this guy and wants to be with him, which is why she's giving D papers. He probably said he'd be with her only if she didn't have your son, so she's offering you full custody so she can close the deal with him.

Her asking you to accept OM's baby is to keep you in play as plan b but she could barely stomach it which is why she revealed that she feels like you're just her business partner. In her current mindset and heart, she has completely detached from you.

All this talk about depression is noise. Her parents' reaction is what's causing her to get unhinged. She convinced herself that her parents would easily come around to accepting this. But make no mistake about it, they will eventually come around. We're talking about their daughter here. So don't be surprised when this guy gets his job back.

posts: 433   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2016   ·   location: Florida
id 8315782
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eolus ( member #62635) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

See an attorney immediately.

As you have discovered, you are in a situation where you have few rights, but you might have huge unwanted responsibilities and every day right now is precious for you.

Things to do at minimum:

1. Get the printed results of the paternity test. This test was either from one of a couple certified labs, meaning it is accurate and depending on state possibly legally binding, or it was from somewhere else, which means it is not accurate. You need to see that document for yourself and take it straight to an attorney.

2. You need to be looking for a new job ASAP, so if things turn with your parents-in-law you are not without an income.

3. You need to be a rock for your kid. This is so hard. It was so hard for me. Reach out for help from wherever you need to allow yourself to be a good dad, even if it is someone to watch your kid for 30 minutes while you scream into a pillow out of earshot.

4. Realize anyone related to your wife is not your friend. You can be around them and be pleasant, but they should know nothing about your mindset or intended actions.

Things to discuss with an attorney you are paying to represent you immediately:

1. Can you get divorced in your state while your spouse is pregnant? If so, can you divorced before the birth of the child? You have to explore all of your options. Also if there is legal separation in your state you need to figure out how to meet those rules now.

2. What are the reasonable and likely custody outcomes in your state? Where I live, any private custody agreement can immediately be thrown out in court and replaced with what a judge decides is "best for the child". Does infidelity matter in your state?

3. Do you have any legal recourse against your spouse or OM? You don't have to pursue this, just know if is possible. For instance, if you live in an "alienation of affection" state, that might give you some leverage if needed.

4. Ask about the things you don't know to ask. You are looking out for only two people, yourself and your child. It is a total 180 from how you have probably felt all your life, so you need an impartial expert to guide you now.

None of the above prevent you from changing your mind down the road, but you have been ambushed and you need to protect yourself and your child.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2018
id 8315802
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Dismayed2012 ( member #49151) posted at 5:38 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Don't dismiss Bigger's post on paternity. It's important that you don't get chained down with child support for someone else's child.

I also echo Jsmart's post. Especially the "noise" comment. It's important not to allow the noise to diminish the real-world activities.

Stay cautious and take care of yourself.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1802   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8315803
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 5:45 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

ww signed off on everything when she checked into psych office, which is why i have been made aware of everything. psych is a female.

she has cut off communication from him, and did so in front of me. she has installed an app on her phone, life360, which is a constant location sharing app. she has began to take the medication, and her responses to questions have become normalized if thats understandable. She has been a very irritable person for very long, and it seems that is potentially fading. In discussions with her and how she was before she had our son vs after, she admitted that she has never felt the same since he was born. She acknowledged that he is the only thing that made her happy when he was first born, and that she didnt want me or anyone else to do anything with him, and it made her very angry when others, even when myself and her parent simply held him.

She explained that when she was having the A, she never felt good about it and explained that it was a high in the moment, but she immediately regretted it and remembers questioning herself why she was doing this because she said she didnt want to. In further discussions I have asked her if she feels like she may have been manipulated in a time when she was unhappy, and she stated she had never even thought of that until the psych mentioned something along those lines.

I need to make sure that everyone understands that when she was having the affair, she did take the morning after pill each time with him. she has explained that at this point she has nothing to lie about, and there is no motivation for her to be dishonest with anyone. I understand that i need to be very cautious in what i believe.

My std tests came back all negative.

I had a meeting scheduled to meet with a lawyer today, but have since cancelled it. With knowing this info for over a week now, i realize it is best for my son to not rush into anything. I have to admit that even though i am very close with my son, seeing her truly makes him happy. I am just past week 1 with this, and i do have a great support system. I will be talking with our priest alone about this on Tuesday, and I know I will leave that meeting with insight that a man of god can provide.

Once again i do appreciate all of the responses. I want to make sure that everyone understands that i have been doing a very good job of filling my head with negative thoughts on my own, and feel its unnecessary for others to simply state to run and file divorce. At this point i would say its safe to say that i am very torn between getting a D or going through R, but i am only a week into this, and i want everyone to be made aware that there is a very high chance that this unborn child is mine, because the company they used to test the fetus is not reputable at all according to the BBB, many different online review sites based on the subject, and many articles i've seen that have compared companies that 'specialize' in this.

I truly want this unborn child to be mine, if its not i know that is potentially the biggest thing that i will have to take into consideration going forward with my life.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8315806
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longtime sucker ( new member #7731) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Double Post

[This message edited by longtime sucker at 12:14 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2005   ·   location: USA
id 8315819
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longtime sucker ( new member #7731) posted at 5:59 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Look, I don't want to make it more complicated and cinfusing than it already is for you, but...

For whatever it's worth, I am a Psychiatrist myself. That being said , I can't say for sure what is going on with your wife, since she is not my patient and I haven't interviewed her. However, I would offer some caveats to the whole story about the mental illness.

1. Did she exhibit any obvious signs of mental instability prior to revealing to you her dalliance and being rebuffed by you instead of you accepting unconditionally her and her out-of-town wedlock child? If not, then chances are she doesn't have a long standing mental illness that would impair her judgement significantly and make her have an affair.

2. If she had been depressed significantly, you and others around her would have seen it. She would not have been able to function, would have had trouble sleeping (either having insomnia or oversleep), eating too little or too much, crying as lot, moping around, unmotivated, poor concentration, low sex drive (for everyone, not just you). Remember, this should have been present prior to the discussion she had with you (and actually prior to her starting the affair). Even if she was depressed prior to the affair, unless she believed that he was some sort of a God (literally) or held some other, totally delusional belief about the affair and her role in it, she KNEW what she was doing. Enough so that she was able to hide it from everyone for a year.

3. Same with mania/bipolar disorder. Other than her having a few arguments with her parents at work, what other signs and symptoms did she exhibit? Was she talking a mile a minute, was she hyper energetic, laughing inappropriately or expressing unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about herself, not sleeping for days in a row because of too much energy, and being always "on the go" like the "Energizer Bunny"? Is there any history of Bipolar Disorder in her family?

4. The Psychiatrist will always take a position to protect as much as possible their patients' perceived best interest. If she even hinted at being so distraught because of the separation that she "might do something" (without needing to specify what, so that there are no grounds for involuntary commitment to the hospital, or if the Psychiatrist thinks (withe good measure) that a divorce would make the patient's mental condition worse, they will try to side with the patient, and be cautious in what they are saying. Did you notice that the opinion was that your WW was depressed, possibly Post-partum, and possibly manic? That means the Psychiatrist was not sure of a diagnosis, but wanted to cover all bases.

[This message edited by longtime sucker at 12:17 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2005   ·   location: USA
id 8315820
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 6:02 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Hi, director,

I had a meeting scheduled to meet with a lawyer today, but have since cancelled it

^^^I think this is a HUGE mistake. You need to understand every possible angle going forward, knowledge is power. I don't think you necessarily had to sign divorce papers, BUT if the baby is the OMs, you need to protect yourself financially or you could be facing a lifetime of consequences for inaction.

We understand you are mess, and you've only been dealing with the fallout for about a week. However, this affair probably produced a child, please take care of the paternity issue if nothing else.

posts: 12239   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8315822
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LtCdrLost ( member #63398) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

The psychiatrist, if she is in fact a doctor, is violating every rule of patient confidentiality. She's advocating for your wife and what she deems to be in your wife's interests. I'd be on my guard if I were you against this advocate attempting to inappropriately influence your actions and your decision to divorce or reconcile.

Formerly banned as Hiram, a fraud and liar.

posts: 398   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2018
id 8315824
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 6:05 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

She began again saying that I could have our son.

She might just be fishing for support and confort... Expecting “no, your a good mother and our son loves you very much and need you in his life etc...”

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8315826
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longtime sucker ( new member #7731) posted at 6:06 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Double Post

[This message edited by longtime sucker at 12:11 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2005   ·   location: USA
id 8315827
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 6:17 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Director, make no decisions until you get a noninvasive paternity test and get it done ASAP.

posts: 5232   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8315834
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Fenderguy ( member #61994) posted at 6:17 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

All I can say is don’t be her hero. She still cheated on you. It’s not up to you to make her feel better about that... quite the reverse.

Suppose you decide to completely sweep this under the rug. “It wasn’t her that cheated, it was the depression. I’m gonna put on my shining armor and save this girl, and raise her child!” That’s definitely an option, and a decision only you can make. But please, continue to seek help and counseling for yourself. Despite the way everything is being spun, YOU ARE STILL THE VICTIM HERE!!! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS WRONGED!!! Don’t let her parents, her shrink, or herself make you feel any different.

Also, if OM is the biological father, but you choose to raise his kid as your own... get that fucker paying you some child support!

posts: 493   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2017
id 8315835
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 6:22 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

You realize it is best for your son not to rush into anything. I am no position to second guess a father’s judgement. Based on what you have posted during this shitstorm during the last week you seem to have navigated the emotional trauma as good as anyone could. You have a good head on your shoulders and good support. You will receive support here no matter what you decide. It has been one week. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3992   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8315838
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Fenderguy ( member #61994) posted at 6:24 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

You are far from the only man who felt conflicted about staying with his cheating wife. I myself am 2 years out from DDAY and still with her. I mainly stayed for the kids, but everyone has their reasons. If you decide to stay, that’s your choice. We are here to help YOU, if we can. Please don’t stop posting here because of some people who make you feel like you HAVE to divorce her.

Just make sure that she’s not playing the “mental illness” card as her latest fix everything scheme. She could be manipulating everyone.

posts: 493   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2017
id 8315840
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Bigheart2018 ( member #63544) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Dear Director,

It is my humble opinion; I think you should take some time to make any major decision. You must meet with your attorney and review all your options.

Your wife is still living with, and legally she is your wife at this present time. I would demand she do the following while maintaining residence in your home. It is disrespectful to maintain contact with the AP while living together.

1.)Demand your wife write a NC letter to the AP

2.)Give you access to all communication devices.

You can consider asking your attorney if he can write a NC letter to the AP and demand no contact with you or your family.

You have some choices to consider, and you and only you make the hard decision. Whatever the decision, we are with you!!!

Best,

Bigheart

posts: 349   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018   ·   location: Southwest PA
id 8315851
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 7:00 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

YOu are hearing a lot of advice.

IMO you can hit the pause button but you NEED to do two things next week. The biggest being the paternity of the baby and what rights the OM has if he is the dad.

1 Talk to a lawyer. He/She will be able to give you ideas of your different options. Seeing a lawyer protects you, your son, her, her baby. Does not mean divorce.

2 Determine for sure who the dad is. If you need to get your own test, so be it. Does the OM have rights?

Both roads to D or R are still open. Go down them with your eyes open.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8315860
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HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 8:28 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

4. The Psychiatrist will always take a position to protect as much as possible their patients' perceived best interest. If she even hinted at being so distraught because of the separation that she "might do something" (without needing to specify what, so that there are no grounds for involuntary commitment to the hospital, or if the Psychiatrist thinks (withe good measure) that a divorce would make the patient's mental condition worse, they will try to side with the patient, and be cautious in what they are saying. Did you notice that the opinion was that your WW was depressed, possibly Post-partum, and possibly manic? That means the Psychiatrist was not sure of a diagnosis, but wanted to cover all bases.

I'm not a Psychiatrist, but I have been on this forum a long time and can confirm this is what I have typically read from others. longtime sucker is spot on.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:30 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled

posts: 7038   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2007
id 8315892
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ItsNotMe ( member #51113) posted at 8:39 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

I have never understood why so many BS's think that the only answer is to "burn the B**ch" and to do it now. I get the pain, I understand it well. There are other options besides D and R.

You have a lot to think about and the wise thing would be to take your time. This is all fresh, and the advice you should be getting is to not make any decisions while you are in emotional turmoil. You are only a week out, you are on the roller coaster. This is not the time to decide anything, you don't get off while the roller coaster is moving. You should really consider giving yourself at least 3 to 6 months before even considering either R or D. Wait until your head clears a little and you can make a logical decision instead of an emotional one.

Take you time. There is no reason to rush into anything right now. There are a lot of reasons not to rush, the big one is that your emotions are all over the place, you really don't know what you want. How could you? your in the middle of a nightmare and all you can think about is fight or flight.

This is a life changing decision for you, your son, and unborn child, as well as your wife. Granted you did not cause this. But you have the control in this situation right now, use it wisely. Take your time and consider your options carefully and logically. I don't believe that it's possible to make a good decision a week out. Give yourself time to adjust to the trauma of the situation. Right now you should breathe, take care of yourself and your son, treat yourself well and just exist for a while. It is perfectly ok to do nothing until you are ready to decide.. There is no rush......

[This message edited by ItsNotMe at 2:47 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

posts: 347   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2016   ·   location: South Dakota
id 8315895
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 8:48 PM on Friday, January 18th, 2019

Take you time. There is no reason to rush into anything right now.

This is just not true. There is every reason to do at least something very quickly. See an attorney. Do you know why? I'm going to fix one of your sentences so you can see:

This is a life changing decision for you, your son, and her and the OM's unborn child, as well as your wife.

It is imperative that director get his legal status straight as it relates to this unborn child WHICH IS NOT HIS. He can stay with his WW if he wants. He can divorce. He can do whatever he wants but if that baby is born and he is presumed by the law to be the father then he will be responsible for that child for the next 18 years, even if his WW leaves him for the OM or another OM in the future. He will be writing that check every month for child support for a child that is NOT HIS. Why you would advise him to take his time on this is beyond me.

Director - Please get legal advice immediately. You do not know what you do not know. This may take some time to get straightened out. You may need to assert your rights before the baby is born. None of us know on here and I think it is irresponsible to advise you to do anything right now other than talk to attorney about what you need to do. Even if you stay with your WW and decide to care for this child you need to know about what the OM's rights are and you absolutely need to know what you are risking by doing so.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8315902
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