SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for the input Bigger.

My relationship with my in-laws is truly unlike most. I lived with them without her for close to a year after i graduated and was an intern while she was still in college. We all grew very close and all of our relationships continued to grow up and until today.

Her parents cut their cruise short and came home last night and wanted to talk to me immediately. I went over at 630 and left at 1030. I explained every single piece of information i knew to them. They knew the situation was bad but after hearing everything that surrounds the entire situation they do think that there is something wrong mentally with their daughter, because this just isnt making any sense and how she has been reacting to them through this is really not ok either.

Her parents had no words to describe what i could possibly be going through, and her mom stated i want you two to so badly be able to stay together for our son but after knowing everything she said she doesnt know if she can even expect herself to truly believe that is possible. Her father was just speechless, he hugged me after finding out everything and just continued to say that he is sorry. her mom fired the AP this morning, her dad has said he wants to kill him and is the type of person that has generally always done what he says. They are pretty religious people as well, and are meeting with a priest that was a friend they grew up with that has helped them get over some things previously (son with alternative lifestyle).

We have all been texting this morning, and everyone agrees that my wife needs to speak to someone as soon as possible to determine if there is something not right with the chemical balance of her brain, because literally none of us can fathom that this happened just because, and how she is beginning to treat everybody and us all collectively thinking about the past year it has been brought up that she did show some signs of post pardom depression, and potentially she never got over it.

If that is found to be the case, to my core I honestly dont think that i can overcome this with her, because i pleaded with her to go to marriage counseling a few times when we had fights over nothing that literally turned a molehill into a mountain.

Again, I'm sorry about your situation director. Just remember that 1. there's no valid excuse for infidelity and 2. you can't expect morals from nor force morals upon someone who chooses not to have them.

As I indicated before, continue to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. It's not their fault; they only want what they think is the best for everyone. After the divorce is final you have more options with the context of your extended family relationships. Right now you want the boat to rock as little as possible.

Continue to stay ahead of any lies your wife may be spouting. Stay calm but firm. It's critical right now that you show that you're stable. Take care of yourself.

If you read my replies to you to-date, then note I have never told you to divorce nor to reconcile.

My blunt assessment: Reconciliation is TOUGH. Like hard. To reconcile successfully requires immense work and commitment from both parties and numerous things to align. Amongst those things is NC with OM and the ability to create distance or a barrier to the triggers of infidelity. You will have the OC and OM proximity due to work-related issues to deal with…

[It’s been +25 years since I experienced infidelity, yet when I drive past the apartment building where I walked in on them I still trigger…]

It’s not enough that you want it. Wanting R is a couch-potato wanting to run a marathon. Want isn’t enough. You need to be willing to do the work and to believe the goal is attainable.

Frankly I think your chance of reconciling is very low.

But… probably better than your chances of winning a lottery, yet people buy tickets every week.

It’s your call. Don’t reconcile for guilt. Don’t divorce for pride. Do what YOU want to do based on what YOU think is best for you long-term.

[FYI – I walked out of a 5-year relationship. No attempt to reconcile. But we didn’t have kids and for ME at THAT TIME it was the best decision.]

What I do think is that IF you decide to reconcile then doing so from a foundation totally built on truth and openness is the ONLY way to increase any chance.

And I think the same foundation of honesty would be the key to successfully divorce.

Divorce is easier in the sense that you only must deal with YOUR emotions and have better control over how you do that. But that needs an acceptance to the finality of your marriage and the creation of a new and healthy relationship with your then ex-wife. Due to your child there needs to be some relationship.

There are theoretical, medical and legal definitions of madness. There is NOTHING logical or sensible about having an affair. We could probably quantify each instance of a WS deciding to cheat as “madness”/ chemical imbalance. But at the end of the day your wife DECIDED to have an affair. SHE DECIDED to have sex with OM. It didn’t just happen, it wasn’t a minute of insanity… it was a DECISSION.

A major mistake would be to minimize or justify her DECISSION as a chemical imbalance. She was not chemically imbalanced for months in a way that didn’t impact her daily life except for her fidelity. Part of the foundation of truth is for her (and you – especially if you reconcile) to acknowledge that the affair is totally 100% her conscious decision and remove all excuses and justifications.

If you believe in the concept of redemption you can also believe that she can improve or “get better”. Maybe even make amends. But it doesn’t have to be as your wife. Not any more than YOU want to. In your shoes – IF this is a “chemical imbalance” I would want improvement or a cure for your child’s sake: Divorced or not it’s better for your son that he has a sane mom.

What were your in-laws thoughts on paternity?

I truly believe that the truth is always the best. IF you eventually reconcile you can treat the child in all ways and form as your own, but the truth will always remain that OM is the father. The odds of this remaining a secret is non-existent. It’s better IMHO for everyone for the paternity to be acknowledged irrespective of the legal parentage.

I heard of a young woman that discovered her paternity in biology at HS doing blood-samples. I read of one that was teased and called a bastard in the play-ground in 3rd grade since everyone but him knew. You don’t want that. The BEST way to remove the shame and guilt of secrecy is by being truthful. If you divorce there will be rumors for a few weeks. If you reconcile there will be rumors for a few weeks. That’s it.

Director, I can sympathize with your desire to D as I would feel exactly that way in your situation. If my spouse ever produced a child with someone else, I would never be able to get over it. It would be a deal breaker for me and all the history, kids, finances, etc. would never change my mind.

The lawyer will give you a good idea of how to get your presumed paternity out of the way but why not ask your WW for proof of the DNA test she already did? Or ask her to take another one? That would certainly speed up the process.

director23,

Since you have decided to D, you’ll have to think what’s best for you and your son.

You will be co-parenting with you STBXW. She may have agreed to let you keep your son, but I don’t see how the courts would agree that it’s in the best interest of the child (no co-parenting). Since you are close to your FIL, you might want to remind him that hurting the OM (or even firing him) have a negative impact on your STBXW and, obliquely, to your son.

Hopefully the in-laws will support your STBXW. Otherwise, if she solely depends on child support from you, and the OM disappear, it won’t be a good situation for your son when he partially live with her.

It sucks (for lack of better words), but you have to think ahead and go for the least bad outcome for your son, that’s the ultimate goal.

After divorcing, I found that it was best that my XWW was in a stable environment (with whoever decent enough) because that meant that when my sons were with their mother, they were in a stable environment.

"I have to say I think she is fishing for the right response to make you "fight for her" and she seems to be astounded that you don't want to. She tried giving you the D papers, saying you could have EVERYTHING, then she tried throwing a fit, then she tried running to OM's, then she tried saying he wants her... but she wants you..."

I agree with Freeeme on this. I was trying to understand what motivated her to even tell you about the affair and the results of the paternity test in the first place. Correct me if I am wrong, but...did I well understand that the OM is the same race as you, and not so different than you physically, so if she had not told you you would not have been able to easily figure out that the child is not yours?

Also, the whole manner in which she is flip-flopping between trying to "give you everything" , telling you that the OM wants her, but she wants you, trying to make you feel guilty, and accept at least part of the guilt about her actions (when she wants you BOTH to work on "falling in love" all over again, implying that somehow you share culpability in the loss of love), also makes me think she wants you to "fight for her". Also, making you raise another man's child fully knowing it is not yours would be an ultimate test of your love for her and also satisfy her need to be reassured of her total dominance over you. Did she ever explain why she chose to tell you? And why now?

[This message edited by longtime sucker at 12:03 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

That’s what I was wondering too. Why tell you at all? Why now? If OM’s genetics are similar enough to yours then there would’ve been no red flags at the birth. She’s already proven herself to be a selfish, lying asshole. So why the confession?

Either OM was going to tell somebody (or even tell you himself), or this is all some big plan to get you two divorced so they can be together. One thing is for sure... she didn’t just confess to you out of guilty conscience.

It sounds like you are doing about as well as can be expected. My respect and well wishes to you and your family.

One thing though that I differ with another poster is don’t let people scare you into not getting a fair settlement for you. She cheated not you so you need to be reasonable but so does she.

Nice guys get rolled in divorce if they don’t stand up for themselves. Don’t let her parents scare you or me or any other person.

Men are much better off when they are assertive AND reasonable. My brother got sole custody after his XW accused him of molesting his 5 year old daughter. When the cops came to his door and removed him from his home he had before marriage... he fought back and won despite the BS.

So be strong. I think your wife wants a life with the OM. Her actions are really strange but like I said be strong and move fast while she is agreeable. She is pregnant and I am sure she is thinking about where she will live with the new baby.

The more reasonable you are the better the process. But stand up for yourself and get terms you can live with.

She is pregnant and I am sure she is thinking about where she will live with the new baby.

this all started out by her going over there because he asked for advice on how to make the property a 'home' with decorating etc. It turned into more as she continually went over there.

Could it be that she had this planned to feather her new nest because was already in love with the OM, future baby daddy.

Short of murder, this is the most heinous thing a person can do to another IMO. Kudos to you for remaining as calm and level headed as you've been. I would have left that very night and thrown the ring back in her face. There is no way in the depths of Hell I would ever forgive something that despicable.

Good news is you are young, and in terms of finding a better woman, the only way to go from her is up. Your wife is an extremely damaged individual and as others have stated, it looks for all intensive purposes that she is not in love with you, but simply using you for a paycheck. Detach and start new. You deserve it.

Please do not get bogged down in the "how could she do this" mentality. Looking for a reason (or something to explain despicable behavior) is akin to looking for something to blame or something that can excuse what she has done.

It really is very simple. She did it because she wanted to do it. If she had not wanted to do it, then she would not have done it. Since it appears the affair went on for months, she wanted to do it time after time at every opportunity. All her excuses are just smoke and mirrors to cloud the real issue. She is not wife and mother material - she is just a party girl who wants all the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities.

Run! and DNA child #1.

Director, I am so sorry for all you are going through.

I strongly suggest you start the 180 for yourself, so you can start to detach. The less contact you have with your WW, the better.

Stay strong.

Please do not get bogged down in the "how could she do this" mentality. Looking for a reason (or something to explain despicable behavior) is akin to looking for something to blame or something that can excuse what she has done.

Yea. She's going to see a doctor. The mom and dad already say something must be wrong with her. A doctor is going to almost surely say she is depressed at this point and who knows what else. Then what? Are the parents going to grab that and say "See director she has depression you can't leave her. This is her illness not her. You can't blame her for her illness."

I don't see how that does anything but make it harder for you. She had a lot of options beyond what she did. She cheated repeatedly. She played roulette with both of you to see which one would get her pregnant. That would be unforgivable to me.

The truth of the matter is if your wife has empathy and helps you heal from this there is a high probability and the marriage can survive.

If your wife does not have empathy nor helps you heal there is a high probability that the marriage will fail.

Your wife is willing to give you the house and does not want you raise your child.

Anytime a mother is willing to give up her child when she does not have to, there tends to be mental illness.

The truth of the matter is if your wife has empathy and helps you heal from this there is a high probability and the marriage can survive.

If your wife does not have empathy nor helps you heal there is a high probability that the marriage will fail.

Your wife is willing to give you the house and does not want you raise your child.

Anytime a mother is willing to give up her child when she does not have to, there tends to be mental illness.

The truth of the matter is if your wife has empathy and helps you heal from this there is a high probability and the marriage can survive.

If your wife does not have empathy nor helps you heal there is a high probability that the marriage will fail.

Your wife is willing to give you the house and does not want you raise your child.

Anytime a mother is willing to give up her child when she does not have to, there tends to be mental illness.

Smoke and mirrors comment hits it right on the head. We have shared the same cell phone account since before we were married, and I have going as far back as October of 2017 and found that she was calling him at midnight and having hour long conversations. At this point I feel like I don't need anything else do you help me make my decision going forward and i truly believe that divorcing this crazy fucking bitch is the right decision for my own well-being.

she had a meeting tonight with her parents that apparently didn't go well. She attacked them was not understanding and didn't help them see that there was a reason for this either. Her mother told all of me this and I have told her about what I found through our cell phone records and at this point she clearly doesn't know who this person we are talking about is. Her mother has a friend who has a good connection with a psychologist and it sounds like the ww will be having an appointment very soon even if she doesn't want to go because at this point both of her parents truly believe that she needs to be committed.

My boss talked again with me today and provided great support and insight.

Continue thinking about what the therapist said explaining that I did nothing wrong here I am a good person and I didn't deserve this.

I also called my parents just a little bit ago and got off the phone with them and they are completely devastated for me. they want me to make sure I take my time in making my decision in how I move forward but they said they understand and will accept whatever I choose to do.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a great night.

[This message edited by director23 at 9:32 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

The truth of the matter is if your wife has empathy and helps you heal from this there is a high probability and the marriage can survive.

What !!! I'll have to strongly disagree on this one rambler, given his awful situation, NOTHING she does will give the M a "high probability" that the M will survive, NOTHING. If she does everything "right" from now on and helps him heal, maybe and just maybe the M has a chance and it will certainly give the M a better chance to survive this, but a higher chance is way different from a "high probability".

director23, it seems that you're strongly leaning towards D and honestly I don't blame you at all, I normally suggest D in cases of LTA (which seems it may be your case as well since they've been talking at least since 2017) and cases of SERIAL CHEATERS, I've thought about your situation and decided that from now on I will have to add to my list cases when an OC is involved, and I respect the decision of some BSs that have decided to stay married even after finding out about an OC.

Be prepared for war, consult an attorney ASAP, your in-laws are nice now but remember that blood is thicker than water, treat them nice for as long as they treat you nice but don't just blindly trust them, keep in mind that at the end of the day your WW is their daughter and regardless of what she did, they will most likely have to accept her and forgive her eventually.

Strength to you moving forward for you and your son. Your WW is disintegrating. Take care of yourself and your son. Sorry all of this has happened to you. I hope you see with her craziness that none of this has anything to do with you.