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For your son and for his half sibling who will be close to him, I hope she can get help. I also cannot understand how she would be willing to give up a child. This is worrisome.

Whatever you feel, anger, sadness, regret, revulsion, relief, whatever it is, its a process. Be patient with yourself. Your son loves you and needs you during this emotional time.

I informed my brother of the situation earlier. He is the same age as her (26) and was completely devastated as well. I truly dont know how i can put it into perspective for everyone that this is a true shock to all of us and we have all been completely blind-sided.

WW has begun to give me my space and stop smothering me. I feel as if she is beginning to accept that the future is uncertain because of her actions, and i believe she may be starting to grasp the thought that deep down she knew that i could never overcome something like this.

Mother in law has said she is attempting to get ww seen by a psych tomorrow. At this point we all want to rule out any underlying issues if not for her sake but for the baby's well being as well.

Opinion currently, which continues to grow stronger and has yet to change, is that i simply cannot see how i can not d.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:01 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

One thing to consider is that your son may adjust better if you D now while he is so young, than when he is older.

The fact that your WW essentially offered you custody makes me wonder how strongly she feels bonded to him. By chance do you do more of his hands on care and spend more quality time with him than she does?

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:30 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

After her affair of more than a year (Oct 2017) and however long she was falling for the OM real life has hit the fan, and it is not the plan she had in her love struck mind.

Anything she says now is most likely nonsense and will change about 10 times a day times until she settles down either from medication or grasping the consequences.

You are on the right path and you have the support of everyone involved except for her and OM. No matter how disgusted and disappointed they are her parents will eventually care for her...they most likely will not accept or excuse what she did but if she needs help, and they are like most parents they will help.

Is OM interested being a daddy? or Just banging the bosses cray-cray daughter...Sounds like he will need a new job.

Was she able to work and lead her life normally? Were there any other indications of a psychotic break? Any clues?

To me the way she gave you her son is somewhat disturbing.

Keep reaching out to those in real life - put you and your son first, her and the divorce second.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:50 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

Talk to a lawyer about how you can relinquish responsibility for the child she is carrying since the secret non invasive test indicates that you are not the father.

DO NOT SIGN the birth certificate.

In most states it is immediately assumed that the husband is the father. Unless you want to be tied to her and the OM's child for the next 20 years, take action now.

I agree with Bigger that no one answer is suitable for everyone. But my case is similar to yours only from 15 years ago. I chose to stay, and I mostly regret it. The legal system tightens its grip on men in these situations. Stay married, and your retirement, assets, obligations, etc., are enforced by the state. The state will not enforce her loyalty, love, sexual availability for you. Moreover, she already told you that she viewed your relationship as a business relationship, i.e., her "job" where you pay her. IMO, when you see the true colors exposed like this at such a young age, based on my experience and mistakes, you should opt for a better life for yourself. You deserve better. Don't confuse her fear of losing control with sudden love and devotion for you.

There is no ignoring the legal complexity of your situation:

If you don’t contest the paternity within a reasonable time you run the risk of being determined the legal father irrespective of the truth. The logic being that since you do NOT formally contest paternity now when you already have reasonable doubt and documented evidence about paternity you are accepting the responsibility. My understanding is that many states have a 2-year window from birth to contest paternity, BUT since you already KNOW from the DNA test that the OM is the father then its very probable that you don’t even have that time.

Ask the divorce lawyer if he’s also capable of managing the paternity issue and/or if he can recommend a good family lawyer that can handle that particular issue.

Google and you can find numerous references where men left it too late and are paying child support due to the legal standing as the father, but have limited access due to their standing as non-biological fathers.

There are numerous examples in law where not reacting within a reasonable time is seen as acceptance. When infidelity was still a factor in divorce, then having sex after d-day was enough to remove infidelity as a reason for divorce. Sex was seen as acceptance of the marriage.

^^^Listen to what Bigger is saying here.

Have you made an appointment to consult with an attorney yet?

You need to do this.

I call BS on the insanity angle. The woman had the mental capacity and presence of mind to successfully hide an emotional and sexual affair for at least a year from everyone in her life. That doesn't sound like a break from reality. What it sounds like is that she got the 7 year itch when the new wore off of your relationship.

Ask for proof of the actual DNA test. Have you seen it? Maybe you need a noninvasive DNA test of your own?

I call BS on the insanity angle. The woman had the mental capacity and presence of mind to successfully hide an emotional and sexual affair for at least a year from everyone in her life. That doesn't sound like a break from reality.

Agree. Don't buy into the insanity defense. If she were mentally ill and not knowing what she was doing, you (and others) would have seen other signs of mental illness (hallucinations, clear delusions, a total lack of reality testing) prior to her getting the cold shoulder from you when she tried to get you to accept her lover's child ( when the lover proved to be less than an ideal potential partner and/or father). Also, even if someone has mental illness, that doesn't automatically make them insane; they would have to both have mental health issues and to not understand that what they are doing is wrong or to believe that they are justified to do it because of a delusional belief (like, for example, that the child she is carrying is the result of a supernatural conception, or such).

Do listen to Bigger and others regarding the need to take action sooner rather than later regarding the legal advice and contestation of the paternity. Do not allow her to victimize you by making you pay for her indiscretions

Things got bad around lunch today through texting her. She began again saying that I could have our son. She has never been the type of person who would say or even do something like that, and I really never even hinted at that at all. It came out of nowhere. At that point I knew something was wrong and had her parents come to our place and asked her to come home for lunch. She began losing it even more, demanding answers I'm not ready to give.

Her parents had a friend get in touch with an acquaintance who is a psychiatrist, and they took her to see the paych. she was seen just after 1pm. The session lasted a few hours, and the psych actually ended up calling me immediately afterwards. Psych explained she believes my wife is depressed, and it's possible it may be manic. Psych believes it's possible she had post partum and it went untreated, and potentially manifested into the state of mind she has had for write some time.

In further discussions with her parents, who she works with, they said there have been times that they have argued and my wife has been able to flip a switch and act like nothing and act like nothing even happend within a matter of seconds. I confirmed the same thing and explained that to the psych.

Going forward, my wife is taking a medication that is not a risk to the baby, but the psych explained that she wants to see her regularly for some time, and if my we doesn't display feelings and want to do actions deemed normal for someone given the circumstances, the psych will recommend additional meds. Ww will also be going to therapy with a mental health professional going forward and has appt Tuesday.

A lot of new info to process, but I'm exhausted.

Does the psych believe she is at risk to harm herself or others, like your son?

It’s great that she is getting help. Seems like there’s a lot going on with her. But you need to worry about taking care of yourself and Director Jr. Don’t let her parents talk you into making her a problem that the 3 of you need to address as a team, as her support system. Let them help her. You help yourself heal from this massive trauma you’ve just experienced.

It's great the your WW is getting some treatment, but I agree with Bigger... you need to contest paternity so you can keep your options open. Yeah, depression really does color a person's world and make it difficult to make good choices. But unless she thought she was an eggplant, she KNEW that what she was doing is wrong. In fact, she was cogent enough to hide it from you for quite a long time.

There's a world of difference between depressed behavior and psychotic behavior. Post-partum psychosis is extremely rare, and that's not what's been described here.

Director, mental illness is always heart breaking news.

Just keep in mind not every who is mentally ill, be it severe depression, manic, bi-polar, postpartum depression , schizophrenic, etc cheats.

She crossed so many boundaries and lied to you so so many times and for so long - at least 10/17 that you can prove... to get to to her present state.

She lied to you and your doctor about having other sexual partner(s). I put an s on that because you really have no idea if there are others. She only admits what is obvious, what you can prove. She even admitted that if the paternity test came back negative for the OM she was going to conceal the fact he could have been. You would have no idea.

Be very very careful of someone with this level of casual deception, someone who is suppose to have your back and clearly could care less. Don't let the 'mental illness' factor cloud your decision.

When someone shows you by their actions what they really really think of you - believe them.

Psych explained she believes my wife is depressed, and it's possible it may be manic. Psych believes it's possible she had post partum and it went untreated, and potentially manifested into the state of mind she has had for write some time.

This may seem harsh but this may or may not be true. Don't let it distract you. Take care of here and now. If it is true, and she responds to treatment, you can always revisit. Let her parents take care of her, stay out of it. You have been hurt and may even develop PTSD in the future. One of you needs to be a good parent to your son, don't fall into a trap.

But unless she thought she was an eggplant, she KNEW that what she was doing is wrong. In fact, she was cogent enough to hide it from you for quite a long time

^^^This.

She may very well have been depressed, but that didn't cause her to lie and cheat well over a year.

I think she's losing her mind right now because the gig is up, and she has lost control of her life due to her own actions.

Please focus on you and your son. Listen to Bigger.

Honestly, I wouldn't put it past her to do/say things to manipulate the situation to her advantage.

Hopefully the medications will help her calm down, she is in panic mode, she is pregnant, and her emotions are all over the place.

Be very very careful of someone with this level of casual deception, someone who is suppose to have your back and clearly could care less. Don't let the 'mental illness' factor cloud your decision

^^^This as well. While your wife may be depressed, I think her parents are grasping at straws trying to "justify" her poor choices. It's difficult to believe your own child (I know, I have three young adult sons) could do something so despicable.

Your son needs a healthy dad, and he certainly does not need this hysteria and toxicity in his life.

[This message edited by annb at 8:39 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

I would caution you against relying on the psychiatrist as anyone's advocate but hers.

He is not in your court.

I'm not slamming psychiatrists. I think they do great things.

However, after one session he is spouting off on what you need to do -- for her.

Take that with a grain of salt.

Protect yourself and your son.

Get tested for STDs, visit your lawyer pronto.

Disengage. Her issues will consume you if you let them.

I question the psychiatrist if he’s sharing what should be under patient confidentiality.

Your wife isn’t a minor and the psychiatrist should know he isn’t able to share this info – not even to her husband. What’s his agenda? What is the goal?

Would knowing she’s dealing with mental issues impact your decision on R or D?