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Wow, no sex for 4 months? Why? Was she turning you down? It is VERY common for a WW to cut her husband off sexually because they want to remain loyal to their man. Having sex with their husband feolike she’s cheating on her boyfriend.

Regarding the morning after pill, I did some googling since I know nothing about them.

At Target one pill costs between $37 and $43. So she is telling you the time that she may have knocked up by OM she took the pill?

It would be ridiculously expensive to take one every time they had sex for however many months it was, unless they used another form of protection....

The plan b/the morning after pill is a high dose of birth control. You're not supposed to use in in lieu of regular birth control pills. You're not supposed to use it all the time. I've used it twice in my life, and had side effects both times. The first time, my period started the next day, even though it wasn't due to start for a couple of weeks and then my next period was off schedule, too.

The second time I took it (years later), my period was on schedule but it was SUPER heavy and I woke up in a pool of blood one morning.

I know every woman is different, but I can't imagine she would be using the morning after pill frequently.

D-day was 1/10/2019, we slept in the same bed once after that, but I have been sleeping on the couch since 1/17/19. We haven't had sex since the end of September, and that is the last thing I want to do with her currently.

Before D-Day, did she shut you down? If so, that was her staying faithful to her new partner. The more you write them worse your WW looks.

She seemingly stayed faithful to him, had unprotected sex with him when you were trying to conceive and in all likelihood got pregnant by him, had an affair for over a year which is more than half your marriage at that time, was willing to throw you and your son away to be with the new guy initially.

She only changed her tune when she realized this would have public repercussions for her. When the OM lost his job and apparently told her to go take a hike. Now she suddenly wants you back, wants to keep her son and you. Because you're pretty much her only choice. The OM bailed on her and won't be financially able to support her which comes on top of the fallout she can expect in such a small community.

You won't get what you don't fight for.

We all complain about bias, unfair, and similar...and it is true...but that's not an excuse to give up. Go nuclear. Bury her in demands for psych tests based on her proven unstable and unsafe behavior. Go public with all of it in open court. File formal copies of every piece of evidence of the affair and a written copy of the paternity test with full names of all parties involved. Detail the records of her affair for the world to see in open court.

Even if "it won't matter"...do it anyway. Make a point that you are not to be F'd with. Be the guy that she knows won't back down and won't take crap.

Establishing that you are that guy is going to buy you more custody than any judge.

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Get everything and anything on the record.

Wow, no sex for 4 months? Why? Was she turning you down? It is VERY common for a WW to cut her husband off sexually because they want to remain loyal to their man. Having sex with their husband feolike she’s cheating on her boyfriend.

When we first started dating things were hot and heavy; normal. The first year of our marriage i would say things began to slow down, but we still had sex probably twice a week on average.

When she got pregnant things slowed way down after the first 3 months, and never resumed whatsoever. We have probably had sex less than 25 times total since our son was born, and he turned 2 a month ago. She explained she loved having sex with me, but felt like there was always a hump to get over for her to want to begin it. I was regularly turned down even after our son was first born and the obgyn said we could start again. Excuses of tired, dont feel good, etc were always given.

One thing i'm curious to have input on is what do you think a reasonable amount of time should be to begin to move on from this cancer of a person/marriage?

Right now my focus is only on my son and work. I essentially want nothing to do with this person, and i feel like as soon as i become more aware of everything legally after the lawyer responds i will be ready to file for D rather quickly.

In the grieving process i was definitely in shock at first, then became sad and then angry. Right now i'm thinking to myself that: yeah this happened, she's a bad person, and i want nothing to do with her going forward. I have been eating and sleeping normally for 5 days now.

[This message edited by director23 at 11:07 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

She has also mentioned that she doesn't believe the other man will want anything to do with the child

She says a lot of things... she also says that she will leave you your son, she won’t sign the papers until the test is done etc...

Just take all this with a grain of salt and follow your lawyers advice.

You're not supposed to use it all the time. I've used it twice in my life, and had side effects both times.

I have also needed to use it once and had some side effects too. Though mine was so long ago that I had to take 2 pills.

IMPORTANT - Plan B will not end a pregnancy that has begun. It will simply prevent the pregnancy from happening by preventing the sperm from reaching the egg and preventing the egg from properly moving/attaching. If she did the deed with OM that night, was already ovulating, and took the pill in the morning, she could have already been pregnant when taking it so nothing much would have happened.

Who knows if she's telling the truth but from your account of intimacy in the marriage, Director, it sounds like it could take a miracle for you to be the father. Your WW is in complete denial if she thinks it's more likely for you to have gotten her pregnant than the OM.

One thing i'm curious to have input on is what do you think a reasonable amount of time should be to begin to move on from this cancer of a person/marriage?

If you're done, you're done. There's no need to wait any longer. The relief you're feeling after deciding that sounds like it's the choice you're most at peace with and the right one for you.

Edit:

She has also mentioned that she doesn't believe the other man will want anything to do with the child.

Not to burst your bubble, but if and when it sets in that he's the father and you're on your way out, don't be surprised if she runs back to him and suddenly he's nothing but happy to be involved. It's easy for her and him to say this now while they think there's still a chance that you might raise a child that isn't yours but once reality sets in it's going to be a whole different story.

It will absolutely suck if he does step up to parent and your child is exposed to him for a good chunk of the time but there's two very important things to keep in mind - it's good for your child to know and love their half sibling and as long as he treats your kid well, then it's also okay for your child to be around him. Just think - if he doesn't step up and your WW finds another replacement, he could be a lot worse for your kid than the OM is. But I can see exactly why you're concerned and think you should still explore those options with your lawyer to do what you think is best. Just hoping if things go this way then they work out the best possible way for you.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 11:33 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

One thing i'm curious to have input on is what do you think a reasonable amount of time should be to begin to move on from this cancer of a person/marriage?

It’s personal preference really.

Some guys take months or years to realize it is a dealbreaker. Others know right away.

In your case it may be quick since she is so messed up. Not a lot there to work with.

Twice a week in your 2nd year of marriage? That is not normal. I’m 29 years married 32 total with 4 kids, and 19 years from D day and have more sex than that.

You may need to verify that timeline, unless there was another OM. There’s normally a slowdown after 1st child but not indefinitely. You should DNA test your 1st born to be on safe side.

As for getting over her, that takes as much time as it takes for you to start new activities and reconnect with friends. But with your marriage being so short and with you already being non-sexual, it could be by the time the D completes.

Time for a Director23 Renaissance.

If the new child turns out not to be yours, your son will have contact with his half brother/sister no matter what man is in your XW's life. You cannot avoid that even if you get primary custody.

Her parents will accept the new grandchild no matter what the situation your wife is in. The kids will have contact with each other.

You say you are protecting your son. The only thing you can do is love him and teach him to be a moral truthful man. You wife will probably get partial custody unless she is proven to be a danger to him.

Don't worry about things you cannot control. Work on being a better man for your son.

Divorce for man's law and annulment for God's law.

One thing i'm curious to have input on is what do you think a reasonable amount of time should be to begin to move on from this cancer of a person/marriage?

Director, I went thru what you're going thru, albeit, not as bad, my WW was not preggo with an OC, but one of the members on here really helped me push thru this mess. My suggestion is, if you know you're done, and it sounds like you are. You're just waiting for the response from the lawyer to get your ducks in a row, I'd go 180 and NC as much as you can. Make her move out of your room. She is full of guilt right now, and that shouldn't be a problem, or ask her to move back to her parents home for the time being, and get your inlaws to help with that. That will give you time to move her stuff into the spare bedroom and put a lock on the Master. Since the home belongs to you both, you cannot prevent her from entering the home, but you can prevent her from entering your room.

Take it from those on this board, the sooner you implement the 180, the faster you can heal. Those that hang in limbo for awhile and are checking social media or spying on the ExWW continue to trigger and get hurt. The sooner you get her out of your life, and apply strict NC, the better off you'll be emotionally, and begin the healing process.

One other thing, since you're trying to get primary custody of your son. I'd verbally encourage the ongoing psychiatric treatment for your WW. Document the heck out of that, and use that in your custody battle. She has mental issues, and that should help limit the amount of custody that she has with your son. Her having an affair and getting knocked up won't get you much mileage depending on the state you live in, but her being a mental case will score you big points in any custody fight.

Because I’m still stuck a bit on her underlying motives for confessing the affair, I want to be sure I have this right.

She called you and asked you to come home. You could tell she was upset. She confessed to the affair. She told you she had some dubious paternity test that confirms the OM is the father. She tells you immediately at that time she wants to reconcile and raise the child with you (as the father). Subsequently, she continues to maintain she wants to be with you. She tells you that had the dubious paternity test gone the other way, she would have in all likelihood kept the affair to herself and not confessed. The OM looks sufficiently enough like you in build and coloring that she perhaps could have gotten away with it. So why did she confess? She had already admitted she was willing to hide the affair and go on with the marriage so we already know she is/was capable of lying about big-stakes life issues.

Is it possible she thought you’d find out through another avenue? Was there someone she confided in? Did she just get freaked about the financial hardship that would be coming if you left her? I don’t remember you saying that the OM tried to disengage when he found out about the baby and shit got real but there are a lot of posts and I don’t remember.

I’m asking for clarification because I think your decision and path forward should be based on your bald and open assessment of her character based on what she has been capable of saying and doing to you, not the actual things she’s said or done. In other words, you can hash over each lie, indignity and insult and you should so you have a clear picture of what they are, but you should also examine them as proof of what she is capable of.

Sometimes we over-complicate big decisions and get stuck on the details (Why is she offering me full custody of my son, she’s thrown the table over and herself on the floor, she is yelling and inconsolable, she is snapping at her parents, etc.?) It’s like trying to come to any agreement with your spouse, a friend, or coworker. The minute you have to stop constructive communication to deal with tears and outbursts and illogical hysteria, you’ve already lost at trying to figure out the real problem. Sometimes that is pure unadulterated manipulation and sometimes it is genuine, but in both cases, it isn’t productive. We start talking about the minutia and day-to-day interactions that, please don’t mistake me, are important, but when it comes to that first, overarching, all important decision of sticking or divorcing, only one principle based on her behavior and explanations matter.

That is: Marriage is a very long road. Committing yourself the rest of your life to someone who is capable of [insert character flaw here] and who is negotiating this mess she has created without consideration for the untenable situation she has placed you in will make it unfathomably longer. It really is that simple in your case because you’ve seen a lot of acting out, a lot of troubling nonhealthy words, and a lot of illogical actions and responses to your questions. I’d caution you to ask yourself the following question every time something comes up:

What do this behavior or these words say about her ability to be a long-term, healthy, committed, abiding partner who puts me and our family first, who contributes to our life together, and shares half the burdens/joys rather than operates in a “me and my needs first” mentality?

One thing i'm curious to have input on is what do you think a reasonable amount of time should be to begin to move on from this cancer of a person/marriage?

Right now my focus is only on my son and work. I essentially want nothing to do with this person, and i feel like as soon as i become more aware of everything legally after the lawyer responds i will be ready to file for D rather quickly.

I rarely ever make a definitive statement like the following, but in your case, if it were me, my answer would be “10 MINUTES AGO.”

Seriously. You are smart. You’ve assessed this 5 different ways. You’ve thought about what the future looks like in practical, not abstract terms.

“10 MINUTES AGO “

So why did she confess?

In her words, "I couldn't handle the guilt any more."

Is it possible she thought you’d find out through another avenue?

Eventually probably. All i would've had to do is glance at our phone bill once and would've have seen something was odd with a specific number she was calling; although if i had done it once between 10/17 and 12/18 i would have seen it then, but i never had any suspicion.

Was there someone she confided in?

To my knowledge no. She told me she told her best friend that she had an affair, and the friend told her she needs to stop it immediately and tell me everything. I believe this was 3 days before D-day. Her parents, siblings, and to my knowledge none of her friends had any inkling this was going on.

Did she just get freaked about the financial hardship that would be coming if you left her?

I think that is what she is most afraid of now absolutely. I am a good person, i was just promoted and i will have an amazing career and be able to provide. She has a 4 yr education (as do i) and could seek a job with more income pretty easily if she chose to leave her parents business.

I truly think she is more afraid of the backlash form her friends when they do find out the truth, as well as what the rumor mill in town will be full of. She has told 3 of her best 7 friends, and since telling she has told me all three have distanced themselves greatly.

Dear Director,

Has you wife express an interest of making a life with her affair partner?

Has you wife express an interest of making a life with her affair partner?

From what i understand the exact opposite. She has cut off communication from him completely, and told me that she told him even if this baby is his she wants nothing to do with him.

I just came to a little bit of a realization as well. She has said times before its dumb to be with someone just because you have a baby with them. I have yet to throw that back in her face with how i personally feel about her at this point.

From what i understand the exact opposite. She has cut off communication from him completely, and told me that she told him even if this baby is his she wants nothing to do with him.

The same way you don't want to raise another man's baby, POS wouldn't

want to raise your son, which is why I find her giving you filled out D papers and repeatedly offering to give you full custody very telling. She was trying to get her ducks in a row for a relationship with OM.

Her parents reaction and maybe even the OM balking at stepping up at the last minute are caused her to go unhinged and now trying to rewrite her affair history in an attempt to down play her actions. But you need to

focus on her actions not her words.

I just came to a little bit of a realization as well. She has said times before its dumb to be with someone just because you have a baby with them. I have yet to throw that back in her face with how i personally feel about her at this point.

That's actually some wayward, or to me a very anti-father feminist thinking that I find strange to be coming from a supposedly serious Catholic/Christian. Today men are being brow beat into wifeing up all these single moms and divorcees with kids.

The institution of marriage is made for the rearing of a family. We men, like most mammals have a deep seated aversion to raising another males's children. A woman always knows the child is hers but men can be tricked into putting their resources into raising another's kids and thereby possibly erase their own legacy.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 11:06 AM, January 25th (Friday)]

and told me that she told him even if this baby is his she wants nothing to do with him.

Can she even do that? If he is proven to be the dad, and decides he wants to know his kid now or in the future will he have rights or can he and her and you file some sort of legal doc to cut him out for good?

Are you getting another paternity test?

I would prepare myself for the same results but it might be different this time.

From what i understand the exact opposite. She has cut off communication from him completely, and told me that she told him even if this baby is his she wants nothing to do with him.

I just came to a little bit of a realization as well. She has said times before its dumb to be with someone just because you have a baby with them. I have yet to throw that back in her face with how i personally feel about her at this point.

Lots of women raise kids on their own. She'll make it with or without the OM.

Sad part is, probably half of the child support you will most likely be paying her for your son will be spent on the OM's child. Just a reality you need to expect and accept.

If the child is the om child then om will be on the hook for child support as she raises that child with or without om in her life.

Director may very well get primary physical custody of his child and should ask for it. In that case He won't be paying child support. Entirely possible ww will pay director child support for their child that he is primarily going to be raising.