SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would add to what Bigger said with this. If you succeed in establishing that you are not the father, you then cannot be REQUIRED to pay money to support that child. Instead, the child's actual biological father would be required to do this.

This is sadly completely untrue. As a husband he will be assumed father by default. If he waits till birth to contest it, he might very well be on the hook anyway, even if a paternity test shows he is NOT the biological father. The court's main goal is to ensure the child is paid for, no matter who does the paying. Even knowing the actual father often times does not help, the court simply does not care.

https://www.nbc26.com/news/national/under-michigan-laws-men-may-not-be-the-father-but-still-owe-child-support

Marauder, you're not adding to the conversation on this point by injecting partial truths at this stage. That point has been discussed extensively. I'm well aware of the Michigan case, and many others. If you would bother to read the whole thread, you'd see this issue thoroughly discussed.

Each state has its own procedure for a husband to contest his paternity of an unborn child being carried by his wife. In most states, the window of opportunity for this is quite narrow. If the husband does not contest within the window, then he is irrefutably presumed to be the father, for the life of the child.

The rule is a good rule based on common sense. Children must be supported by somebody. The most logical source of support is the parents. In the case of married couples, it saves judicial time and expense to presume that the married partners are the parents. This spares the courts from cases where a father is using court resources to contest paternity at some point during the child's lifetime, which in turn would require a search for the actual father. In other words, there is a public benefit to rules that deem issues resolved forever. This is the same notion that supports statutes of limitation for many kinds of claims.

The point to the OP has been made many times that he ought to speak with a lawyer in his state to learn his state's process for a husband contesting paternity of his wife's unborn child, and that if he fails to do this, he could be deemed to be the father without any future opportunity to contest this.

he reiterated the fact that this time in our marriage should have been the honeymoon phase, and that he believes our marriage has been unhealthy for some time.

director23, your priest pointed out here a key truth in your situation that should tell you everything you need to understand as to where you WW's heart probably had really been all along since the moment she said "I do" and at the very least it was likely spoken with doubt. We often point out that honeymoon phase in other people's situation where infidelity occurs so soon in a relationship, in particular marriages, that this is a HUGE red flag for what's to come.

Regardless if you choose R or D, make moves NOW to protect yourself first under the guidance of your attorney THEN determine if R or D is the path. Don't wait until you get screwed by hesitation and circumstance and let that affect and limit your options.

The point to the OP has been made many times that he ought to speak with a lawyer in his state to learn his state's process for a husband contesting paternity of his wife's unborn child, and that if he fails to do this, he could be deemed to be the father without any future opportunity to contest this.

True.

But I have read of cases where, in some states, a husband who is shackled to raising another man's child can sue the biological father for monthly child support if that OM is proven to be the sire.

A number of posts back Director posted about the advice his attorney provided about paternity. I feel confident he has received the advice he needs.

We had a discussion about mortal sins, and he reiterated the fact that this time in our marriage should have been the honeymoon phase, and that he believes our marriage has been unhealthy for some time. He actually had a folder with a lot of annulment info in it, and he explained that he would personally be my advocate. It was a good meeting.

Wow. That's very telling. Did he expand on why he thought the marriage had been unhealthy for some time? Do you agree with his assessment?

Wow. I like that priest.

Your wife broke the marriage vows and dissolved the marriage covenant. Therefore the marriage is null and void. It doesn't matter why or what mental state she was in. Thousands have been in worse mental states and chose not to cheat. Mental issues have nothing to do with morals. I'd be willing to bet that even if she didn't have a child and PPD to use as a crutch she'd still have cheated. And if it wasn't with the current OM it would have been with someone else.

Your number one priority at this point should be to yourself and your future happiness. Value yourself above all and base your future choices on whether those choices will make you happy and assist in your future success. Again, take care of yourself.

Did he expand on why he thought the marriage had been unhealthy for some time?

My inlaws spoke with the priest the day after i had my 4 hour meeting with them the night they returned home from their cruise. He was fully aware of the circumstances going forward.

When i met with him the first question he asked was how am i doing, and what do i want to do. I explained that i'd gone to a few therapy appts, and i was feeling ok. I explained how during our premarital meetings with my ww and him before our wedding day that i think everyone knew where i stood on adultery, and he immediately agreed. He said he knows of some people that have been in this exact situation, its just that I am the first that this has happened so early in our marriage to. He explained that forgiveness is one of the hardest things in life to do, and if i believe that i cannot, then he believes that it would be best for the marriage to end and that way i can begin to heal and move forward. He was adamant that i did not deserve this, nor does anyone, and that is when he opened up the folder he had been holding the whole time that had all the info within it on annulments.

He explained that even though my ww could have been severely depressed, because i offered solutions to potentially solve the issues and she disregarded the suggestions is a very telling sign that at the time the A began and throughout it occurring, she was estranged from me, and had already made the decision to choose someone else, which has been a recurring thought i've had since learning about everything.

Director I’m sorry for you. To find out all the details and truth about your wife is devastating.

To believe you married under false pretenses is so sad (or that your marriage was affected by infidelity so early).

Sounds as though you have a great support system. That can help tremendously.

I'm so sorry and you are in my prayers.

My meeting with my lawyer had to be postponned because of the weather. He did allow me to send him an email that he would respond to with any questions, that way when we do meet we can get right into moving forward if i choose to. Below is what i sent, please let me know of any additional questions i should ask:

I'll get right into it.

We discussed how if the child is not mine, I am considered the father because we are married. If I seek to divorce and the child is not mine, what do I need to do to protect myself to ensure that I can not be held responsible for the child going forward, referring to child support specifically?

- She has mentioned that she will most likely be leaving the father section of the birth certificate blank until it is confirmed who the father is. If this child is not mine and I divorce, I will want zero responsibly to be assumed to me for the care of that child. If the child ends up being mine, what should I do going forward if that is proven to be true? I will want to be in that child's life for sure if it ends up being mine.

If I decide to not get a divorce, and the child ends up not being mine, what happens when/if the biological father decides he wants to be a dad? Would he pay child support and could I/we sue him for it?

Can I contest paternity if I need to? Can the other man contest paternity as well?

Is there a certain time frame that I have to contest paternity?

Can the other man be completely be cut off from the child?

If I decide to divorce, and the unborn child is not mine, would I have a strong chance of being awarded primary custody of my son? To my knowledge my wife has no intentions of wanting to be with the other man, even if we divorce. She has also mentioned that she doesn't believe the other man will want anything to do with the child if it even ends up being his, but who am I to say that things wont ever change. I personally feel that if the unborn child is not mine, and if she decides to be with the other man, I would never be able to be ok with him spending 50% of his time with her and her affair partner.

- At this point, coming up on it being 2 weeks since finding out about the affair and everything surrounding it, I feel that it is in my best interest to divorce my wife. I can afford the home we live in currently by myself, but we purchased it together. How do I move forward if I decide to divorce, and want to stay in my home without her; how do/can I get her out? Can I inform her I want to divorce and then ask her to leave and at the same time offer her a solution to be bought out?

Can I ask her to leave without offering her a solution on the state of the mortgage?

To recap what she did:

- Began having an emotional affair October 5, 2017. I verified and discovered this on my own through cell phone records. She initially indicated everything began in the spring, which I proved to her it began before this spring.

- Emotional affair/relationship turned into a sexual affair sometime in the spring according to her and lasted a few months.

- The months of July, August, and September we were trying to have a baby, all during the same time she was having the full fledged affair.

- There was 1 week between her being with him, and then with me trying to conceive. She has explained that she took the morning after pill after him, and that she was ovulating when she was with me. By all Doctor's accounts known, she is 19 weeks pregnant, identifying the 3-4 week of September as the time she became pregnant, and verifying the affair was still occurring in the middle of September.

- A non-invasive paternity test was completed just after the new year and they received their results on 1/10/2019. Results confirmed other man was a 99.9% match to be the father. (results attached to this email)

- During the time the affair started, we had just had our 2 year wedding anniversary, Sept 19, 2017. Our son would have been 9 months old.

- We have had a shared cell phone account since we married, I have gone through all available records form now and until June of 2017, and a clear picture of when they were together can be painted.

I personally feel like I have been completely wronged, and I feel like if I only get to see my son 50% of the time I essentially will be punished for what she has done. The most important thing to me going forward is going to be my son. At this point, in my eyes, our marriage is dead. We are currently still living together in our home.

She initially moved all of her things from our bedroom to the basement bedroom. She was honestly beginning to lose it, and saying things that weren't true to who she is. Her parents essentially came to our house on 1/17/2019 during lunch, and took her to see a psychiatrist, intervention style, who she is to see again on Friday. She has since moved her things back into our bedroom, and the night she did that she slept in our bed, but i did not. I have slept with her in our bed only once since being informed of the affair, and that was the night of the day i was told, and I have instead been sleeping on our couch in the living room.

She has stated she does not want lawyers to get involved going forward, and she has adamantly told me that a judge will never award full custody to me. I have limited experience with divorces and how they play out, but I feel like there is a double-standard against men who do this compared to women who do this.

If you could let me know how the pricing of everything plays out and what I need to expect I would appreciate that as well.

It's wishful thinking that you might be the father of the unborn child. Her statement that she took the morning after pill is not likely to be true, especially since she is opposed to abortion. That just makes no sense.

As far as custody, if you both seek custody of your son there is no way a court will give you full custody outside of a complete mental breakdown by your STBXW. 50/50 is what the court's strive for today, but in the case of young children they also tend to favor the mothers. If you both can demonstrate the ability to properly care for your son, 50/50 is likely going to be your best outcome. It sucks, but there it is.

And as for the AP/probable father not wanting to see the child in the future, don't count on it. Didn't she tell you he was in love with her and wanted to be with her? Didn't he also insist that she test for paternity? A man who wasn't interested in being involved wouldn't do that. He would just walk away, or disappear if your STBXW made an issue out of it.

You're still being lied to.

The best advice I have ever seen in regards to divorce is this-

You won't get what you don't fight for.

We all complain about bias, unfair, and similar...and it is true...but that's not an excuse to give up. Go nuclear. Bury her in demands for psych tests based on her proven unstable and unsafe behavior. Go public with all of it in open court. File formal copies of every piece of evidence of the affair and a written copy of the paternity test with full names of all parties involved. Detail the records of her affair for the world to see in open court.

Even if "it won't matter"...do it anyway. Make a point that you are not to be F'd with. Be the guy that she knows won't back down and won't take crap.

Establishing that you are that guy is going to buy you more custody than any judge.

180 her when it comes to the M. She will try to feel safe by talking things out...tell her to talk to your atty. Be cold. Be that guy. Be the indifferent guy, not the helper.

There will be a point where she is at a low ebb. When this happens, be ready and have the papers in hand. Offer to set her free. Hand her some cash and get a signature on the agreement and be done.

Either way, gear up for a fight and fight like a lion.

I didn't realize that your kid was only 9 months when she started her affair. To have an affair so soon into the marriage is bad enough but even with a young baby at home, she couldn't resist OM.

Her saying she doesn't want to be with him or that OM doesn't want to be with child doesn't jive with her actions. Her over a year long affair that didn't stop even after catching an STD, her secretly taking paternity test with OM, filling out and giving you divorce papers, moving her stuff out of master bedroom, reporting to OM in person to tell him what happened when she confessed and saying more than once that she'd give you full custody of your son. Those are signs of a wife that wants to start fresh with her new man.

I truly believe she wanted to move into the house she helped decorate with OM but her parents reaction is what caused her to get unhinged. I'd bet she's a daddy's little girl that gets anything she wants, so she thought it would be a piece of cake to convince her parents to accept OM.

As for her taking the morning after pill, I'd bet that is a lie. It's just like so many waywards initially telling their betrayed they used protection, but later trickle truthing that they actually didn't.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 7:01 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

Regarding the morning after pill, I did some googling since I know nothing about them.

At Target one pill costs between $37 and $43. So she is telling you the time that she may have knocked up by OM she took the pill?

It would be ridiculously expensive to take one every time they had sex for however many months it was, unless they used another form of protection....

It is comical how WWs lie about sex.

I had an ex that cheated and actually married another man in a vegas type quick wedding and ran off. She literally went from being with me for years to being his wife in like a week.

I see it now...

Anyway, after that relationship imploded...as it obviously was, dude was a dweeb in a shack, she came back begging to get back together.

She took him to a place where we vacationed for her honeymoon...and got the exact same room that we had stayed in...same bed...

That was odd...and then she told me that she knew on her wedding night it was wrong for her and she cried the whole time they had sex...and that she got pregnant...but it was actually my baby...and she lost the baby...and she never loved him and that's why she cried the whole time they had sex.

Seriously...

I was supposed to believe that.

News flash...she didn't cry...she did cheat...she did get pregnant...from him...and that's why she broke it off with me...and married him...and when she lost the baby, she didn't want him.

The "I cried" was an attempt to mitigate.

Never believe attempts to mitigate. They are lies.

You make her sleep somewhere else besides in your marital bedroom. She is the one that broke the vows.... she should be the one sleeping elsewhere

Stop sharing a bed and do not have sex with her. It will just fuck with you mentally.

Clear your head and keep it clear. Sharing a bed, or having sex will not allow you to do that.

If he wants nothing to do with the baby then after it is born he will legally have to give up all rights. I assume that the state you are in is like mine and that he will have a waiting period to change his mind. If he does not then it becomes permanent and he no longer has any obligation to the child. If he wants a relationship with the baby chances are he will get it. As long as the three of you communicate well and do you not use this child as a weapon you can manage his childhood without harming him emotionally. All of this depends on how mature the three of you are going forward. Once your name is on his birth certificate then you are his father unless a court chooses to say no. This issue should be worked out before the baby is born. It is too emotional afterwards for all three of you to manage well and the baby needs nurturing by calm parents. I suggest you get an attorney from the beginning so that you know every step that needs to be made.

One more thing. Child support is put in place FOR THE CHILD. This is so important that you need clarity on it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:02 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

You make her sleep somewhere else besides in your marital bedroom. She is the one that broke the vows.... she should be the one sleeping elsewhere

I completely agree with this statement. I have been trying to see how this fits into the 180, if someone could give me some insight on the best way to go about this I would appreciate it greatly.

Stop sharing a bed and do not have sex with her. It will just fuck with you mentally.

Clear your head and keep it clear. Sharing a bed, or having sex will not allow you to do that.

D-day was 1/10/2019, we slept in the same bed once after that, but I have been sleeping on the couch since 1/17/19. We haven't had sex since the end of September, and that is the last thing I want to do with her currently.