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She has told 3 of her best 7 friends, and since telling she has told me all three have distanced themselves greatly.

If you include the friend who told her to stop the affair and confess then she seems to have at least some very sensible friends. So if you do give her the gift of reconciliation then you can have some confidence she will be getting some good advice. Yes, small mercies in this horrific tale.

I think you need to establish if she ever really loved you or whether it was a marriage of convenience. If she never truly loved you in the first place then, notwithstanding the despicable nature of the affair and the difficulty of reconciling with such a partner, you should just move on.

Been riding the roller coaster a lot the past couple days.

Spent time together with our son and her family whcich we do a few weekend nights a month. It was enjoyable. We hardly spoke to each other but I enjoyed a bit of normalcy. All that was there tonight knew everything, and it never for awkward with anyone.

Nights like this make me truly hope the baby is mine, but I know I'm reaching for straws with that .01% from the test results. I do think that if I chose to R I may be able to get past what she did with a LOT of therapy and MC, bur then I think wait wtf am I thinking, she had an A, for a long time, and everything else surrounding the situation, and I begin to think how could I ever make love to this person again knowing all that she did with who she did it with?

Emotions are bs.

she had an A, for a long time, and everything else surrounding the situation, and I begin to think how could I ever make love to this person again knowing all that she did with who she did it with?

director23, all of us who are working through R understand your questions.

We've been working through R for almost 3 years now and while I've never had another man's baby to raise, your questions are so very valid.

For this whole time I've carried a bitterness towards my wife. Deservedly so.

One of the BWs on this site had mentioned that at a certain point, if you decide to R, you have to be able to give the other person a chance. You have to have a fresh start and a new marriage. By choosing to stay with your spouse that means at some point, this stuff has to be in the past.

It's not easy. I wanted to puke when i read it. I wanted to reply and tell her how wrong she was.

In the past year or so, I've been praying that God would take that bitterness away. I knew that i personally could not function with that bitterness inside me forever.

Only in the past week for the first time in years, have I finally felt a peace about things.

I've posted on here about how hard my wife has worked to make things right. Sometimes i think i was posting to help myself believe it.

In your case you're just starting your journey.

You aren't in the same place as i am yet. Never let anyone to tell you to just get over it. That had to be in your own time or in Gods time.

I do say though, at some point if you stay, it does get easier. That's only if your WW is willing to work her ass off.

I can also tell you this, my brother is a single dad raising another man's son. You heard me right. He has full custody. The boy is so special that we couldn't imagine our lives without him.

I'm sorry, I feel like i'm rambling, but there's a point in this post somewhere.

Keep praying. Find help. Do what you need to do for yourself.

God bless.

Seriously. You are smart. You’ve assessed this 5 different ways. You’ve thought about what the future looks like in practical, not abstract terms.

^^^Even though your emotions are all over the place, you have to think with your head, think clearly. Gently, half of your marriage has been a lie. Now your wife is pregnant with another man's child. Of course, you appreciate moments of what seems like normal, but your situation is not normal, far from it. All those nights you spent with your inlaws for the past 1.5? years was a lie. There was betrayal and deception surrounding you and your son that you were not aware of.

I feel so sorry for you, you are so young, you had dreams for your future, and your wife lit those dreams on fire. There are so many negative nooks and crannies to your story, do you think you will ever be able to get past everything? Are you willing to sacrifice the next several years of your life trying to heal?

BTW, the last thing both of you need right now is MC.

You should expect your emotions to be a roller coaster for quite some time. Maybe even a year. Keep in mind that thoughts of R at this stage are mostly wishful thinking, the kind of thinking that most BH's have where you long for the "before time" and wish you could just go back to that time. Part of the roller coaster is coming to grips with the reality that you can never go back to that time.

Your injury is profound. There is the STD, the child by another man (both of which mean she exposed you to STD's and probably sloppy seconds -- utter disrespect and disregard for you as a human and husband). There is the fact that the man she fucked is a co-worker, an employee of her father's, somebody you had met. That old adage, "a dog doesn't shit where it eats", she didn't even rise to that standard.

Be patient with your healing. Seek IC if you can. I agree with others that MC is a waste of your time at this point.

director, take this with a grain of salt as it's my personal opinion but given all the data you provided us, how long this affair went on, how far she was willing to take it and her behaviour after it came out. I don't think your wife is a candidate for R, not now, not ever.

She didn't simply have an affair, she had a full-fledged relationship for more than half the time you two were married. With another man she felt comfortable getting pregnant by, who gave her an STD which she accepted, who slept with other women during this time which she was fine with. When the affair came out her initial reaction was to throw you and your son under the bus so she could run off and be with him.

Only when she came to understood the fallout of her actions, how it would impact her did she change her tune and made the final decision to "pick you" when the other guy lost his job and likely told her to take a hike. Everything, absolutely everything she has done is solely about her and what she wants.

So far she hasn't shown a shred of genuine remorse, in my opinion, all of this is her trying to get out of this as unscathed as possible. She also hasn't taken any responsibility whatsoever. Instead, she, you, and her parents have been blaming everything from the OM to mental illness for her ruthless, reckless, egoistic and narcissistic decisions and antics.

Take her back at your own peril, raise another mans child at your own peril. If there was a betting pool, I'd put up a few grand on her not changing a lick and that in a year or two down the road, you'll be here again.

Past couple days have been pretty good for me.

Beginning to create lists of things, one is the negatives I've realized existed before d-day. Lots and lots of negatives.

I have begun to implement the 180. No more sleeping on couch. No more fueling the gas-lighting. Last night was really odd. She asked me some questions about things going forward if we D and I answered her honestly. She lost it. Her mom came over and she sobbed and bawled in her arms. Continues saying she just wants me, just wants me to tell her it will be ok, wants me to hug and touch her, wants me to talk to her and look at her. I basically sat there silent.

Have therapy appt today. Honestly feeling pretty good. I believe partially the reason is that I've been able to fully begin to understand the situation, and am beginning to accept that she made these choices and decisions because she didnt want to have those things with me. I deserve to be separate from someone who is so toxic and would cause me so much pain, anger, and once more people find out, embarrassment.

Thanks again to all for any input provided.

She’s looking for you to take away the consequences of her actions imo. She screwed up royally and she wants you the person who she stabbed in the heart to tell her everything is going to be alright ? Oh hell no would be my answer. You are doing well.

You're doing great, keep it going, do not fall for her BS, she CHOSE to cheat and now has to live with the consequences, just file for D and put her out of her misery, a couple of years from now (maybe even sooner) you will realize it was one of the best decisions you ever made.

Hey director, good to hear you're doing well and staying strong!

She lost it. Her mom came over and she sobbed and bawled in her arms. Continues saying she just wants me, just wants me to tell her it will be ok, wants me to hug and touch her, wants me to talk to her and look at her.

Oh boo hoo, woe is her. Actions have consequences, all she's telling you here is that she hasn't changed a bit. She wants, she wants, she wants and you're supposed to give it to her or she's going to play wounded gazelle and cry.

She’s looking for you to take away the consequences of her actions imo.

Agreed. Regret for herself only. It didn't appear that your pain was in this discussion at all.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:01 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about at all...

Couldn't have hit the head on the nail any harder. Discussed this with therapist and she reiterated the same thing. We discussed greatly that in the past few weeks my actions/inactions have essentially mostly been about protecting her, her feelings, or her reputation.

I'm done with that.

Met with lawyer yesterday and I had every question answered and then some that he felt I should be made aware of. I am going to file for D as soon as I essentially get the paperwork completed. At this point I am going to attempt to get everything resolved without utilizing the lawyers services, and through a very productive discussion with my lawyer he agreed that I am capable of moving forward and trying to resolve things on my own, but if there is pushback from ww then I have a very good resource that will be readily available.

I've got a working decree that I plan to go over with her in person this weekend. It essentially splits everything, and keeps everything joint 50/50 with our son.

I have come to the firm conclusion that I do not want to be married to this person regardless if the unborn child is mine. The nail in the coffin for me was coming to terms with the fact that she exposed me to potentially contract an STD; if I had contracted AIDS or HIV, there would have been blood.

I acknowledge that our marriage wasn't that great. I believe that I am a good person, and I tried very hard to have a successful marriage, and did everything and anything she ever had asked for. What she did is not my fault. She choose to make those decisions that ruined our marriage, and one day I do think I will look back and be happy that I am no longer with this person.

I explained all of these things to her mother on the phone last night, and I do believe she was in shock that I explained I am not going to accept and forgive what ww had done.

I really don't think it will be a hard pill to swallow for everyone once they all know why I chose to divorce my wife.

[This message edited by director23 at 2:15 PM, January 31st (Thursday)]

Keep your resolve. She made her choices to repeatedly step outside your marriage and open you up to possible life threatening STDs. You hold to your core values and bestow them on to your son as he grows into an adult. Be his rock that he can depend on. Once you have your STBXWW out of your daily life, you will start to heal and find happiness again. Wish you the best going through the rollercoaster that will be Divorce process.

I can’t believe your MIL thinks you should take her back and accept what she has done to you. If one of my kids ever does that to their spouse one day, I’d like to think I’d be able to at least say something like “don’t blame you for leaving one bit”.

In case you're not aware, there is also a "Divorce/Separation" forum here on SI where you will find support and advice as you navigate thru the divorce and custody process.

and I do believe she was in shock that I explained I am not going to accept and forgive what ww had done.

I bet your FIL is not shocked. Pissed at his daughter for her behavior, yes. But shocked you are not going to stay and settle for a cheater, nope.

My guess is that the only reason you found out that the baby might not have been yours is because OM threatened to tell you after he found out. You're WW initially said that OM wanted her and the baby, but she was choosing you. My guess is that he made her take the test (or he would tell) and then made her tell you the truth (or he would tell). I doubt it was for any nobel reason, he probably hoped you would divorce her and he would have her to himself.

These are the things that really bother me.

- That she was cheating with OM while actively trying to have another baby with you. Getting on prenatal Vitimens, taking pregnancy test...the mental gymnastics she had to have been doing to make this seem "right" is unreal.

It sounds like she kept having sex with him after hearing that she had gotten an STD from him. Knowing what an STD could do to you and to the baby. The fact that she didn't take that as a wake-up call...

- You found out about the affair at 5 months. Was your WW still carrying on the affair when she was pregnant? When did it actually stop?

- That she was cheating with OM while actively trying to have another baby with you. Getting on prenatal Vitimens, taking pregnancy test...the mental gymnastics she had to have been doing to make this seem "right" is unreal.

What's even worse is by Director's own account of how many times they were intimate, it was only a half-hearted attempt to get pregnant with him. It sounds like she was hooking up with the OM a lot more than she was Director. That's disgusting. Her behavior at every juncture was down right deplorable and I agree with your theory that the OM had a heavy hand in her confession.

I can fully understand your decision to divorce. Of the options you have/had then the one I feared the most was the one where you two try to reconcile, but also sweep the paternity issue under a rug and tried to deny or hide the true biological paternity. Had you decided to reconcile I would have been suggesting you refute paternity but adopt the new child IF you two were in a better marital place 2-3 year from now. I am 100% certain that what with OM sudden firing, same professional community and all that then there is NO WAY the true paternity could have been kept secret. Best way to defuse a secret is by making the information public.

But… for now I would be cautious and tread carefully.

Divorce takes time, and time changes people’s alienation and emphasis. We see it ALL THE TIME here on SI where a couple sets off towards D with all the intention of being amicable, fair, doing it yourself and all that, only with the divorce ending in a hotly contested confrontation with no acceptable end in sight.

Based on what you have shared your in-laws are heavily involved in your lives. With a divorce you are firing them as in-laws and NO MATTER WHAT they think of their daughter and her actions they WILL back her up. Won’t condone her affair but will do their best to ensure her future and the future of their two grandchildren. The GOLDEN rule of all litigation – divorce included – is that generally the one with the largest war-purse wins. I’m guessing your in-laws could throw more money into claims and counter-claims and delays and subpoenas and specialist evidence and delays and… than you can.

Get your attorney to suggest what he would think was your best outcome as far as assets, debts, custody and so on. Chances are it’s 50/50 on all aspects, but you can make slight alterations in your favor. Things like valuing your car at lowest market-value, or (if you want to keep the house) calculating all the tasks you might be able to DIY for 1k at 10k as if you got a contractor to do it.

But be fair and be willing to make a reasonable, fair and logical offer. One that an impartial observer could see as fair.

Keep in mind that infidelity is not likely going to sway the judge or the final agreement.

But be aware that your wife and her family will want to get this over with as quietly as possible. Your FIL will be thinking of saving face and your MIL want to go to bridge-club without feeling like the rumors and gossip are all about her family.

Use factors like not filing for D due to infidelity (you can insist that you are tempted to do so because – although it won’t impact the outcome – it will leave you with public and legal confirmation for your son to later understand why you took this action).

Factors like getting the paternity refuted as quietly as possible.

Factors like wanting to keep the secret if possible.

Factors like you won’t be going about town sharing your story.

Factors like you and WW decided to call it quits…

Whatever. Doesn’t really matter. Use these factors to leverage your in-laws to focus on getting this over, rather than getting more for her.

Once the papers are signed all that really matters is that you have an acceptable conclusion and can start rebuilding for yourself and your son. Divorce isn’t a game where you are scored, and someone wins.