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She is clearly very very jealous of you, your qualities, and your position as Mrs (high-earning) Speedbump. This is her way of trying to both make herself feel above you, and also try to take (literally) what is yours - it is likely she fancies being Mrs Speedbump. Her method is unsophisticated and too obvious for it to really convince her that she is better than you or for her to believe that you consider yourself less than her. And so she needs to up the ante... and so she does. And so on.

You have time to make a plan. Do not panic. You have time and intelligence on your side. Strategy is needed. And a little patience. Perhaps, if you can muster, even a little humour - or some anger if that is what you need to spark your response. She is highly toxic, do not let it rub off on you, be impervious, she is but a tiny little insect really.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:39 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Chamomile Tea

It's possible that he's picking up on some subconscious signalling from you that you're suspicious. We all tend to give off more clues in our body language than what we're aware of.

It's hard to miss with a near 20 lb weight drop in a month and a general avoidance of each other. Our routine around meals has changed dramatically since I can barely tolerate food, let alone deal with cooking it. He has noticed and has asked why I was trying to lose weight. When I told him I wasn't, he said I should probably see a doc. He has even asked me a few times about it and whether I have booked an appt yet. He still shows concern and care, acts normal about 40-50% of the time but he is definitely distant and keeps busy working on house stuff when I'm home to keep from having to interact too much. We socialize less than we used to and when I ask if anything is wrong I always get the same kind of replies - just busy on house stuff, more work than he thought, not easy learning how to do this all in another country so takes more time to get done, etc, etc.

I've told him I don't want to spend time with the neighbor AP and he asked why. I told him I don't like her vibe and he reminded me I used to like her and will ask what's changed. I almost feel sometimes like he is trying to drag it out of me but I don't say anything other than she's too much of a drama queen for me or something equally lame. I have no idea why I haven't been able to just come out with it. It terrifies me in ways I can't explain other than exactly how I did - I just feel paralyzed. I think I'm just not ready to deal with the unknown yet - the change that will come from it.

He told her what I said, about not wanting to hang out with her, and she reached out to me trying to reel me in, asked me over for a glass of wine. Of course I didn't bite and then she gets all pouty, the best way I can describe her. She says stupid crap like, 'can I borrow your husband?" likes it's a cute thing. She's implying to help her around the house but we all know why she wants to "borrow him." I don't reply and then she sends a "j/k" text with a stupid emoji.

She asks him if I seem strange and wonders if I know anything. He says probably not as I'm a direct person and if I knew then all hell would break loose. Not sure where that comes from since I barely ever raise my voice, but then he sees me in ways I didn't know before. Then she'll told him I'm being bitchy. Nice.

So anyway, she ended up asking him over for dinner. He didn't say no. fml...

Sorry for the rant. :(

Clearly he is not putting you first or even second in his life. Your weight loss is very concerning and his apathy is telling. After you have your ducks in a row please confront with proof so he has to face head on his despicable behavior.

In the mean time try healthy shakes to improve your calorie intake and hopefully your weight loss slows. The trauma of infidelity can have long term health ramifications including dental issues.

Losing weight,distancing....start hiding your cell phone and dress sexier and old man might think your cheating also!

I know you don't like to play games....it's just you mentioned losing weight and my idea just popped into my head.

I wonder how he would react if he though you were sleeping with other men?

Lets face it two wrongs don't make it right so I strongly suggest you get the referral and see a lawyer before you confront...You need to know your options so you can have an effective confrontation.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:09 PM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Please don’t be paralyzed. You have got to get your financial situation where you can move on away from him. He is not good for you and she is horrible. I just can’t stress enough how really awful this is. They are both jerks. You know that you are not married to a nice man.

So anyway, she ended up asking him over for dinner. He didn't say no. fml...

Just him? Did he go?

I think she is smarter than your H as she is getting suspicious that you are suspicious.

Hang in there and figure how you want to approach the A.

Would you need to file for D in USA? (is that where you are from, living in EU?)

You have more than enough to act. The sooner you rip that bandaid off the quicker you'll start on your road to felling better.

Get moving and get yourself out of this situation.

Living in limbo sucks as you've seen

Mickey

Just him? Did he go?

It appears he did go. I'm out of town.

Marz

Get moving and get yourself out of this situation.

I emailed the lawyer we used last year and asked to speak. We have a call on Thursday booked. I don't really need to worry about moving money around. We have one joint account here but our accounts otherwise our separate.

TheGuy123

I wonder how he would react if he though you were sleeping with other men?

I got the classic line we all hear and probably say, too. That would be the end of the relationship if I cheated.

Cooley

You know that you are not married to a nice man.

I was. I miss that guy. This new one is definitely not a nice man.

I know when I think about finally taking action, the outcomes I see just really suck. If I kick him out, I see him moving next door! I couldn't handle that. Not in a million years. If I move out, I think I've just left them to carry on and have their fun and I have to start all over.

But I know it can't stay like this, not at all. I'm killing myself with anxiety and stress. I'm thinking of going home for a visit, maybe not even tell him and then work on a real plan.

I like your plan.

Ghost his butt big time.

After all you are crazy right? People that are crazy take vacation and forget to tell their spouse's all the time!

You need to really get away...tell him or not...but after the call with the lawyer...take a trip!

SpeedBump, Don't ever feel like a fool. Most of us are here because we are blindsided by our loved ones. I am in a similar situation, My WW had a 2 yr A with my neighbor also. Looking back now I definitely should have figured it out but it took the AP wife finding text messages to figure it out. My WW would set up get togethers with them all the time. I feel pretty stupid looking back now.I never saw it coming. I give you a ton of credit.You are handling this extremely well. Sorry your here

Hell you are not even home now.....do you really think it matters at this point?

The way I see it is you go home you don't go home they are going to still have fun.

From were I'm sitting they actually have more fun when you are around!!!!

Is there anyway you can transfer back to the states? If so this is how you do it. You just ship a few things home of your personal belongings a few at the time. Each time wait until neither is home and just mail a box of this or that. So after a while you will be down to the essentials and at that point get a plane ticket and go home. Just leave him there. He can either pay for that house or put it for sale but you are no longer obligated to him. File for divorce and move on. They deserve each other, the creeps.

neverhappen2me

Don't ever feel like a fool. Most of us are here because we are blindsided by our loved ones. I am in a similar situation, My WW had a 2 yr A with my neighbor also. Looking back now I definitely should have figured it out but it took the AP wife finding text messages to figure it out. My WW would set up get togethers with them all the time. I feel pretty stupid looking back now.I never saw it coming. I give you a ton of credit.You are handling this extremely well.

I'm not handling it well at all. I'm not even handling it. It's 3am here and I'm not sleeping, not eating. I'm a mess, I'm crying. It's just awful. But thank you for being here with me and sharing. I'm so sorry you have been through this, too. Wow, 2 years. Unbelievable. :(

Call the boss tell them you need a week or two for a family emergency and turn this vacation into a strong battle plan into getting out of infidelity.

Stop crying and get mad!

We all have been down this road and you don't have to eat that shytsandwich your old man is feeding you.

Get strong!!!

Keep telling your self over and over again "I DESERVE GOOD THINGS"!

A mantra that got me through a lot of hurt from my old lady.

You want to know what really sucks, and also shows how screwed up my head is? I feel bad he is worried about me and the weight loss, seemingly due to some unknown medical condition. I mentioned his first wife passed away from cancer. I feel bad he may be thinking something like that could be wrong with me. I feel bad for him!!!! This is all so backwards.

He did whatsapp me tonight. "Assume you got to your hotel OK. Didn't hear from you. Good night." Wow, just dripping with care, concern and love.

I’m telling you, he is a creep. As long as you are out of town they can’t do their torture. See? That’s how screwed up they are. Just ghost him while you are gone.

There was a poster who ghosted her cheating husband and by the time he figured things out she had gotten her ducks in a row and moved on.

Sending you giant hugs.

I feel your pain. I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Friends of mine thought I was dying. I called my boss and took a day out of work and saw an IC through an EAP program from work. I went to a lawyer 4 days later to see my options and he told me to call her from his office and demand she either cut ties with him or I would file for divorce. She broke down crying and said she wanted to make it work. Of course she continued her A for 3 more months but I'm at least in a better place now due to IC and honestly now with SI.