Happy Belated Valentine's Day, all. Reminds me of a toast I used to say as a joke when I was in college:
"here's to the ones who we love
here's to the ones who love us
but the ones who we love aren't the ones who love us
so to hell with them, here's to us!"
Seems appropriate.
Gosh, I'm sorry for the time that has passed but to add insult to injury, I got knocked back on my heels by the flu! Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? I'm still in bed, finally strong enough to lift my laptop and now trying to catch up, not just on work but also here. Talk about feeling sorry for myself! I can't believe I'll have a job much longer at this rate. I'm just glad the weekend is coming around.
Hopefully this all makes sense - my head is foggy for so many different reasons but will try to make sense of time with WH. It is all very sad.
First, he seemed in complete shock to see me. It seems it's the first time he has clearly seen me in some time and finally saw the impact of his destructive behavior on my physique. He met me by my car outside my office. As I walked towards him, I could see the realization hit him - "I did that to my wife!" I could literally see it in his face, real concern, not the flippant, "Why are you trying to lose weight," statements he had made to me previously. So concerned, he came to me asking if he could carry my purse! I just laughed! Idiotic. He also tried to hug me but I didn't reciprocate so the weird hug set the tone for a tough few hours.
With the couple of days from that meeting. I've been able to digest and think about things and my view has shifted and changed a few times. Might keep changing, who knows. Today I feel a bit.....meh.
He wanted to take me to dinner but I had no interest in being THAT couple trying to keep voices down and not making a scene while my husband explained months of deceit and torture committed against me - so we went to a park nearby and sat under a ramada so I could listen to what he had to say.
And so...
He is incredibly sorry for all the pain he has caused me. He doesn't know what came over him. He explained feeling "possessed" and not in control of himself. He knows he liked the attention. He hasn't any idea how this was all going to be kept from me but he never thought I'd find out, it would end and then it would be forgotten. A few weeks in, he wanted to end it but didn't know how. He felt out of control and then he knew the devastation it would cause and didn't know how to deal with that....so, he just kept on until he could hatch a plan to get out of it.
Does any of this....maybe even all of this...sound familiar?
I can tell you that I sat there listening, occassionally nodding my head, giving an "uh huh...and?" and feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I didn't feel connected and so many times I felt nothing and in my mind I was thinking, "oh yeah, this is right from the cheater's handbook, that BS I've read about!"
It was all surreal to feel like I was not really a participant but just a passive observer in my own life. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well but I recall thinking to myself, "seems he looked up how to apologize for having an affair." He was saying and doing all the steps I've read about.
He never blamed me. He didn't even blame her. It was 100% on him.
He apologized constantly - for actually the damage he has caused, the impact to my health, our relationship, the broken trust, the bond, for allowing someone else into our marriage.
He loves me. He wants only me, more than ever. He loved our life. Makes it all more difficult to understand himself how he let this happen.
He doesn't want her. Doesn't even like her.
Wants to go to MC. Wants to find someone to talk to understand what is wrong with him because something definitely is. He has tried looking for someone to see but hasn't gotten an appointment booked yet because....'it's so hard."
Wants to do whatever I need.
He nervously talked for hours. Kept asking if I had questions, he'd answer anything. I told him to just keep talking. I'd had weeks and months to think about all of this on my own and really wanted to hear him and what he had to say.
He finally did ask how I found out and I told him it just didn't matter but that I knew so much - and I may or may not ever tell him how, but I knew. And I knew a lot! So then I asked him...
"Why the cruel games?" He started crying and could barely speak. This surprised me. This was not my husband. I have never seen him like this and all he kept saying was how sorry he was, sorry, so sorry, oh my god, I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry....and I just sat still, kept listening and just felt...really disconnected but also hurt, sad and mad all at the same time. I couldn't reach for him. I couldn't comfort him. I just asked, "why?" again and he just had no answer. I told him he must really hate me to treat me so cruelly and he denied that was possible and that he loved me so much, he missed me so much and he wanted me back in his life.
This went on for hours. I wanted to leave a couple of times but he begged me to stay and sit longer, asked what he could do and sometimes we just sat in silence. He wanted cues from me what to do but since I have no idea, he got no guidance from me. I told him I'm just trying to digest all of it and have no idea what to do, how to fix it and that it wasn't even my mess to fix so why was he asking me.
Eventually we got to my feeling like I have never been his priority in love. I felt second to his first wife. She has his true love and so it's not so surprising he would treat me poorly since he never really loved me deeply. He was shocked and saddened I felt that way. I told him I bet that had I told him that before all of this mess, he would have shut down the conversation and put me right back in my place of "lucky to be in 2nd place in his love life" position. All he could do was state over and over that what I felt wasn't true. He loved and cared for me deeply and he was sorry it didn't come through that way to me. Yes, he loved his first wife but their relationship wasn't perfect but he was sad she died, it was hard, but that I taught him he could love again and he did love me deeply. I called BS and said what he'd done proved otherwise but that I also knew going forward I would never let anyone make me feel second best, even 3rd best, and I was now my only priority.
At that point, I was exhausted, chilled to the bone and truly done for the night. He asked if he could come to the hotel with me, and guys---I was cold, tired and sad, so I let him. It was the first night we'd spent together in almost a month, since I finally confronted him. But I made him sleep on the sofa bed in my room and he seemed happy to do it. And to be there.
So of course, the next day I wake up feeling like total crap. I tried to get ready for work and just couldn't do it and I cried. Just what I needed but life was kicking me while I was down and I let it. I've been down ever since. I'm a stinky mess, not showered, still in my hotel room, which I had to extend, even though WH asked to let him take me home. He'll never make that mistake again! I lit into him with the only strength I had left accusing him of not truly understanding the damage he'd done if he still thought I would go home with him and was dumb enough to even ask.
So, he has stayed here with me and I let him take care of me. I have been delirious and I know I have sald many mean and terrible things to him and he has taken it. He knows that this means nothing about what happens going forward. I've mostly told him we are over. None of this can be overcome. I told him even though I have no plans for us, he needs to be rid of her and he says he is. Says he will write her NC letter even though he has made it absolutely clear he will never see or speak to her again.
He his working with an agent to get our house listed and is tying up the last projects. He needs me to sign some paperwork also to get this all sorted.
And so he is across the room from me now, sleeping on the couch.
I just want to go over and punch him.
I really hate him right now.
And I'm so sad.
