SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes RIO, there's something almost insulting about how unsuitable the OM isn't there?

Among the crap, two stupid things struck me when I found the FB messages that revealed the A. Firstly, my W is a bit weird about men being ill (I mean everyday stuff), I think because her dad was a bit of a drama queen about getting a cold or whatever. But the OM was always moaning about illnesses on Messenger or going for some exploratory procedure at the hospital and she was full of sympathy for him!

Also, we have a very active and quite privileged life in terms of the stuff we do both personally and professionally. Yet she felt the need to embellish her life when she messaged him, often over-selling or plain making up things she had done.

This is really contradictory to what she's like normally and reinforced my sense of this all being a fantasy construction - like she had to present a social media life rather than a real life.

And yes, a MCD bathroom just about sums him up. I will think of him as that forever more!

I just want to say to Chelsea that everything you just said over the last couple of posts was just dead on point -at least for me. Everything from distance being a factor...and especially that whole thing where you logic out "Okay, not as good looking, not as fit, not as this and not as that...must have had a magic..."

I laughed out loud, because at least in my perview that doesn't even exist. And, speaking for myself and all the women that I know what is important is their understanding of their ladies needs. So, it was so apt when you put it all together in that context.

What did the AP have that you didn't? I am going to say in most all cases the answer is nothing and probably less. Maybe just the willingness to act like your spouses was the best thing since sliced bread, the ability to create false intimacies with nick names, personal jokes,flirtations,etc.

If you knew my husband, then turned around and met the AP....you would literally look at me with a WTF on your face. That's why the only logical thing one can conclude is that it was fantasy unicorn land. I came to a point where even I looked at it with a WTF.

You have said many times that what I say and describe was an overlay of what you know of your wife's affair. RIO has said the same as well. Along with many other BH's, and other WW's. The longer I have been here the more I see of the theme, being able to articulate someones situation because it was theirs too....and bringing it back to the OP...you have a man, Frank Pittman who wrote an article, probably in the 90's that pretty much sums it up the same way.

I have to think to myself, if we know that at least a sizeable portions of affairs are like this and we know the signs and the things that lead up to it, could we not educate better against it? Instead we create books and movies and all sorts of things that glamourize, romanticize, and minimize it and make it seem like it's something altogether different then what it actually is. Education could be an inoculation against it.

We have been talking about integrity over on the WW board, and I truly believe those who have the strongest integrity know why each of their values are important to them personally. They have internal reasons that connect with it that have nothing to do with anyone else. A BW once said to me "You had an affair because it wasn't against your morals". At that time I thought no that's crazy, I knew it was wrong. But, she was right. I did not have a personal connection as to why it was important to me to uphold. I now very much have one - several actually. I have other values I uphold, and when I look at those I have a personal connection as to why. Some of them because I am educated on the subject, some of them because I had experiences that taught me why it was important to me. None of those reasons have anything to do with risk or punishment. I don't know, it just seems like there are a lot of patterns and information out there that would really help for people getting married to know.

Just to pick up on a couple of things HO, I 100% agree with you about the romanticising of As across the media. They really reinforce those star-crossed lovers, 'just that the time was wrong' myths. And they rarely look at the real damage, or they simply show rage, not the awful, deep emotions that are released.

And I even saw on a prime UK TV show the other day an advice counsellor suggesting to a caller who wanted to save her marriage that she not tell her H about an A she'd had "because if she was looking to save the marriage she had to understand that men often take it badly". FFS, what sort of advice is that!!!!

And on the subject of what the OM had, you are dead right - I feel it's often about what they have seeming initially very important to the WS, only for them to find out as time goes on that it's not.

My WW's OM was an ex-BF from well over 20 years back (alarm bells, what an idiot I was!). So what he had/represented was nostalgia and happy, carefree times. As a single guy with no kids, he also presented himself better than I did as an under-siege, self-employed dad of three. So he was able to turn on the charm and play the memories card.

Further down the line it turned out he was self-obsessed/indulgent and also had become very embittered at the cards life had played him (compared with the nice guy my wife remembered from her youth) and the superficial charm and sweet words were all he had.

While this is my story, I'm sure lots of readers would simply be able to plug their key words into the above and you have what you have - the same f*cking A as everyone else experienced!

Sisson I know your comment was a couple of pages back now but I entirely agree with you about the anti-soulmate. My WHs friends and family would always wax lyrical about how I brought out the very best in him. They all say (and still do) that I changed his life in a very positive way. The exact opposite is said about the AP. Anti-soulmate

Generally- As for the idea that men are driven mainly by sex, I don't know, I struggle with that. I had an ex boyfriend who without a doubt had a LOWER sex drive than me, who had two ONS while with me (that I know of). He went on to have multiple affairs when married. His affairs were more about validation. I suspect ugly duckling teen growing to be an attractive man scenario. Another man I know, who had an affair had an exit affair, as he simply couldn't communicate with his lovely partner, so he allowed his relationship to whither and die and put his heart and soul into his new shiny. They're still together. His problem was a set of poor coping skills born from childhood. I knew him very well.

My WH fits the description I posted of a 'romantic affair' exactly. His cognitive dissonance could only come into play if he believed he was 'in love'. I know this sounds strange from a BW who actually has been left but I genuinely believe my husband has a good set of core values, but he also has an addictive personality and the highs from the affair were just too high. As he betrayed and violated his core values more and more, he became more and more isolated from his 'sane' life and his sense of 'self' and increasingly hooked, exactly as described. His AP was and is domineering and highly narcissistic. I think if my husband was JUST chasing more sex or kinkier sex he could have paid for that in massage parlours. He has the appropriate ‘betrayal skills’ to have achieved that, his affair proved that.

My WH is now struggling as his affair wanes and reality sets in. He is showing real signs of inner distress and turmoil, I worry about him. He was prepared to lose everything for the 'high' he was getting, for the ‘in love’ he was experiencing, including his home, family, respect from the people he loved and a wife who loved him very dearly. I think at Dday if he’d just been in it for sex he would have kicked her to the curb. He couldn’t. He simply couldn’t let go. He was utterly out of his mind. A year later and he is only now starting to come round, it had to run its time. It had to burn out. I HATE that, but it’s true.

I don’t think this is all about sex for him.

People just seem more complicated than that, far more nuanced.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:55 PM, February 7th (Thursday)]