X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

No More Questions

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

The1stWife posted 5/8/2019 05:27 AM

She still believes you are her ďhusbandĒ and are willing to support her no matter what.

Iím sorry you are in this mess but you are doing everything you can to untangle yourself from her drama.

Best of luck. Stay strong.

spaceimpact posted 5/9/2019 04:03 AM

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:17 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Unbroken78 posted 5/9/2019 19:39 PM

What a drama rodeo. Good luck to you. That's a hard place to be.

Jorge posted 5/10/2019 02:51 AM

Consider saying, "I wish you and your family health and happiness" or something to that affect. Using the word 'your' establishes a separateness between you and them. To the XWW, I wish you and your baby health and happiness. Simple play with words that offers a subtle reminder of the reality of the situation. She's coo-coo for coco puffs!

LtCdrLost posted 5/11/2019 12:24 PM

Egads... Sir, I am hoping beyond the ability for words to express that you're not the father of this child.

ChangeMaker posted 5/14/2019 15:12 PM

I hope you're doing okay out there, Director. You've handled things like a champ so far. We're all pulling for you here.

Bigger posted 5/15/2019 07:55 AM

Until legal dna test says I am not the father, they believe I am.

And they are correct.

Once the baby is born YOU ARE the father.
You then go through the legal process of having that changed. But legally - YOU ARE THE FATHER until that process is finalized.

Director - the process of rebutting paternity is not "easy" in ANY state. Please do not dismiss the importance of a competent, experienced attorney to guide you through this stage.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/15/2019 12:12 PM

Director, how are you doing? Did you guys go and get the "official DNA testing done".

Agree with Bigger, as that has always been my concern for you, and other BS that might be welcoming OC.

I hope for your sake and that of your son, that it gets finished up quickly, so that you can move on financially without that anchor tied to you.

director23 posted 5/16/2019 17:28 PM

DNA test was done earlier this week, iíll Know by the middle of next week at the latest the results.

The baby was also released from the hospital and ww essentially forced her way back into the house, stating thereís really nowhere else to care for child in an easy way, so, I packed things up for a week and am in a hotel. Iído have our son this weekend and was with him without her while she was in hospital with baby, so I am ahead a few days.

She is fully aware that if baby is not mine I will be moving out immediately; even if baby is mine I do believe I am still going to find a place of my own. Simply want to be done sharing space with her.

She did do something ridiculous. She requested to meet with me tonight at my hotel. Said she wants to give me something. Needs to do this to pull life back together, says she is struggling and that itíll help her going forward.

I believe she wants to give my her wedding ring back and tell me a bunch of sappy shit trying to get me to begin to think about a path forward that involves us together.

I think Im simply going to say I am not going to entertain that.

Tomorrow I was planning on giving her essentially my last request on everything for the settlement from the properties to money to child schedule; and if she cant agree to it all, then go to mediation. I have been having many conversations with the attorney since baby was born; heís on top of it all and I have zero reason to doubt his ability. I was able to confirm that my name is not on the birth certificate, but she did name the child officially as my last name; which I just about lost it over, but the paternity test will confirm if it needs to change....or not.

Unbroken78 posted 5/16/2019 18:01 PM

Good for you on staying the course.

She will likely try to drag you into the past so you can remember the "good" times.

It's a common tactic.


Her lack of a place to go is not your problem. Don't let her make her problems into your problems.

Drive the process forward, at all costs. Time is her friend and your enemy.

I would lose my ($*t over the last name thing as well...that's an absolute NO GO.

If she gives you the ring...sell it and buy something she would hate, something you love.

Or...if you want to be a good guy, drop the funds in a 529 for your son.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 6:03 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

NoOptTo posted 5/16/2019 19:38 PM

I would tell her to forget the meeting tonight. Her personal problems are hers. Not your monkey, not your circus any more.

I would of lost my head also if my wife would of tried that stunt with naming the child your last name.

Glad you separated yourself from her. Keep moving forward to ending this farce of a marriage. You have given her your request for 50/50 custody. Dont back down.

director23 posted 5/16/2019 21:23 PM

Told her I wouldnít be doing that, she was upset, said a number of things that were emotionally charged.

She wanted me to do this for her so she can begin to move on.

Iím simply am at a loss for words at the selfishness continuing to be displayed by this person. Each day that passes and each new thing said to me just reaffirms my decisions to get the f out of this situation.

Marz posted 5/16/2019 21:32 PM

She wanted me to do this for her so she can begin to move on.

She already did that with her actions

ibonnie posted 5/17/2019 06:35 AM

She wanted me to do this for her so she can begin to move on.

Seriously! The moment she slept with another man she "moved on" from being your wife. WTF!

I hope you're taking time to take care of yourself.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/17/2019 06:42 AM

I have to agree with Marz. Once again, she is proving how selfish she is.

Did you tell her "I'm NOT doing this so I can move on?"

You are doing the right thing. You are protecting yourself from an abuser. She is continuing to show you that she is going to take what she needs whenever she can. Her actions are about herself, not about helping you in any way. If she needs support, she needs to learn to look to others for that now. She didn't want it from you before when she was receiving what she wanted from the OM.

It's probably not easy, but at the end of the day, you will be better off.

Bigger posted 5/17/2019 07:37 AM

Her actions and reasons for her actions are irrelevant.
Have you been clear to her that the decision to divorce is final and irrevocable?

Name on birth certificate is irrelevant. Legally you are the father. Ask your attorney.

I wouldnít focus too hard on her use of your name at the moment. In fact, it might be to your sonís advantage that he and his (half)-brother have the same family-name. Just imagine the fun he might have at school explaining why he Ė Joe X and his brother Jimmy Y donít have the same family name. Just imagine the pain Jimmy Y might be going through too. Iím envisioning bullying-galore hereÖ

Give this a thought: Would you be OK with your son Joe having his momís family name (Joe Y)? Or a hyphenated combination (Joe X-Y)? That would at least enable Joe to have the same or similar name as his mom and brother.

Remember: That new child is innocent in all this. Once the divorce is over you (hopefully) start a recovery process and in 2-3 years your emotions to your ex wife will be relatively neutral. Sort of like your emotions towards someone you need to work a certain project with. That project being the well-being of your son. Like it or not, that well-being will probably be closely linked to the well-being of the other child.

Jduff posted 5/17/2019 09:33 AM

Not disrespecting Bigger's opinion but just bringing another perspective on the last name issue. I had my biological father's last name up to when my mother remarried. Sure, I had a different last name for the most part and it didn't really bother me much at all when I was 6yrs old. My mom and stepdad then had my little step sister when I was 9yrs old. Was I asked about the difference in my last name? Sure! Did people give me shit about having a different last name? Never. At 10yrs old more often than not my peers were just surprised that it was possible for a kid to have a different last name than either or both parents. They mostly pondered over what kind of last name they would choose for themselves and being amused by that exercise. But, their parents didn't shame me from being friends with their children. Nobody whispered "bastard" in my direction on the playgrounds.

When I turned 10yrs old, my mom asked me if I wanted to change my last name. I mulled it over for a time, saw the benefits of doing so as well as the connection I thought I would lose with my biological dad through that name. My middle name is my biological father's first name and that was what allowed me to retain that "connection" in my mind. I even talked to my biological father about it on the phone. He wasn't happy about my thoughts. He saw my point about retaining his first name as my middle name. He agreed with my logic and didn't try to guilt me out of the name change. He approved of my name change, which the court requires of the biological father. Same requirement of name change approval is in your right so don't worry about your STBXW trying to jack with your son's last name.

Point of all this was that it was MY choice as to what name I wanted to go forward with.

What your STBXW did to give that baby your surname was straight up manipulative. She's trying to guilt you into taking responsibility. The safest bet for her would be to give the baby her maiden name and for your STBXW to retain her maiden name. That's what my current wife did for her son when she had him in a previous relationship. Her son has been proud to have that name ever since. I would never pressure him to change it to my last name just because I married his mother. He maintains a good relationship with his biological father and I support that because he will need to understand that side of his genes to understand himself better as he grows up. So, why is your STBXW adamant to keep her AP, the biological father, out of the picture? It isn't for the baby's best interest to do so, right? What the baby deserves most from all of this is to live in the truth, to have that relationship with the biological father if he is willing to be there for the baby, to understand his/her connection with half-brother, to not live in assumption that you are his/her biological father and not understand why you haven't established that bond with him/like you do with your own son.

What your STBXW and her mother is doing in all this is such a Disney-assed smoke and mirrors rewrite patch job to try and right a wrong so egregious that they are willing to drag you and your good name through that drama pit of their making. You have every right to be pissed about that. You have every right to challenge the naming and defend against their manipulation. They are doing this to preserve their own image, not preserving that baby's future. If that baby grows up living in the truth, has a great relationship with his older half brother, understands the situation as it is, hasn't had much contact with the biological father for whatever reason, calls you up one day and ask if it is ok for him to take your last name because he wants to be more like his older half brother. He wants to be more like you because he has heard from his half brother so much about how great of a dad and man you are then that is a time for you and that child to discuss the possibilities. Maybe in time you see that the baby turned out to be a really great kid after all. Maybe you want to give him the honor of your last name and assume some implied responsibilities to him. Your call then if it happens.

But to have it implied now by your STBXW's hand is bullshit.

As added note, after I changed my last name to my stepfather's surname (through adoption process) my mother made the worst mistake as a result of that change. She lied to my step sister as to how I came into the family. Mom denied over and over again that I was a half sibling. When we were in our 20's my step sister finally got the nerve to ask me directly. I told her the truth. Why didn't I tell her earlier? Because I thought my mom had already told her the truth. From then on to today my half sister and I have a great sibling relationship, but she doesn't have a great relationship with mom because my step sister felt lied to for all those years. And as well all know here, it is the lies that kill the relationship more than anything.

I'm glad you denied her a visit to your hotel. You don't need to see any more of her manipulative soap opera type self flagellation bullshit. The only thing I would keep reminding her about is -

You fucked another man. He got you pregnant. You are having HIS baby. Own that with YOUR name.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:34 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

whyowhyme posted 5/17/2019 09:34 AM

Director, I logged in specifically to tell you this. DO NOT MOVE OUT. I get it, it sucks living with her but it is the single biggest mistake you could make in terms of custody and divorce.

Think about it, she will have NO incentive to make this divorce easy. Trust me her attitude towards you will change once she finally accepts you are serious.

In terms of custody, courts almost always go with the status quo. If you leave the house, she will be the primary resident and caretaker of your child and courts don't like to change that. Court can take a long time.

Get an agreement signed by a judge FIRST, before you move out.

Jsmart posted 5/17/2019 11:48 AM

Giving you the ring back and some mea culpa letter about why she betrayed you
and how she never meant to hurt you, blah, blah, blah is really for her benefit. It's meant to make her feel better. Remember that in her and her mother's head, she's a victim too. So this is an attempt to regain some moral high ground.

It's pretty callous of her to bring her affair baby to your house. Why couldn't she stay with her parents? As much as it sucks to be in the house and watch her caring for OM's baby, you need to make sure it's not seen as you abandoning the house.

Don't depend on logic or rule of law to be on your side. The family courts are stacked strongly against you with judges fluidly interpreting the law. Of course, it's all couched as being in the best interest of the child but make no mistake about it, your interest of the least concern.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/17/2019 13:30 PM

So your WW wants you to do her a favor and be her emotional support beam, so that she can move forward with her life? She sure didn't want you around to be her emotional and physical support during her affair, but now wants you to return the favor.

That sounds so much like my exWW. Just the other day she was being unreasonable about custody exchanged, and a few days later asked me for a favor b/c suddenly her work schedule changed and she needed the exchanged that she didnt want to afford me when I asked, but yup, she needs it now, and we should accommodate them. These crappy selfish entitled brats always want their way. You wait and see Director, I'm confident that once you finalize your divorce, your exWW will continue to show your selfish ways. You're doing the right thing by divorcing her, and get far away from that shit show.

As for her taking your last name for the OC, thats a ton of crap and would drive me up the wall as well. My exWW in the divorce decree was suppose to change her last name back to her surname, but still hasn't. I want my last name back, she has no right to it, but there's nothing much I can do to force her, even though its in the decree. As far as I see it, she doesn't deserve my last name. She wanted the AP so bad, take his. I want zero association with her except as required by law for the kids.

As for a taking some time away from her and staying at the hotel, probably keep it to the week, and get back home. They do have an abandonment statute, but a week is not long enough to rule against you. It would have to be much longer. The fact that you are already working with an attorney, I think you're safe. You have good reason. Take advantage of the extra time with your son. Your WW will have her hands full with the OC,that extra time with you boy will be nice.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Return to Forum List

Return to Divorce/Separation

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy