SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stay focused and get this done ASAP.

Sorry you were put in this situation

[This message edited by Marz at 6:34 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

I know that his is hard. I am sorry what happened and you do not deserve this.

This is not about how much you love your wife, it was about how much she loved you.

You should take action immediately regarding disestablishing paternity

I filed to disestablish Friday morning.

initiate the divorce proces

I filed initially in February. Hearing is in July.

the test results were the "closure" you were looking for.

essentially yes. There was a .01% chance that I could’ve ended up being the father, but I am a realist and was gripping the strings of the 99.9% more than the other option.

the biological father of the new baby has NO access to your child.

definitely one of the top things on my list to discuss with lawyer.

Has the OM entered back into the picture at all?

As far as I am aware no. Stbxww was adamant she wanted nothing to do with him going forward and requested him to stop contacting her. This was back in March when she told me this info and in that same conversation she did make it seem like if the baby ended up being his he will most likely want to be involved in the child’s life, which she told me she would fight. No discussions on that since the baby’s paternity has been confirmed.

Well that Karma Train didn't take anytime to show up for your WW did it?

Blunt but true for sure; she was in complete shock and her mother was as well. Speechless isn’t even the correct word, all they did was apologize over and over....and I thought, just shut up...and deal with your new life.

Was that the first time she voiced an apology?

no there have been many apologies from a lot of people and friends on her side. So much so that the s word has become meaningless because the actions aren’t speaking louder than the words.

I think most people would like to have a guy like you

around

. I have always been able to make friends easily; more recently in the past month or so I have really gotten back in touch with my buddies I grew up with; about 7 of us. They’ve provided a lot of support and we all picked back up on our friendships right where they left off. Lots of things planned already for this summer both with and without my son as a few of them are parents as well now.

Will she realistically qualify for mortgage without you?

no, and that realization will ultimately have to be made in mediation for her. She has been stalling on the property front because I truly thinks she believed that even if baby wasn’t mine I really cant go anywhere else until property situation is figured out, so with that, I think she believed she would be able to win me back if I was forced to be under the same roof as her. Everything else I agree with and have already settled all credit card debt and closed all joint accounts. Condo situation is just another tactic to slow this process down in my opinion.

As mentioned i did file to disestablish paternity on Friday. Will be talking with my lawyer tomorrow and getting a few other questions answered. I did also get notification that a lawyer appeared on her behalf, which honestly made me feel a bit more reassured because to me that means she is actually taking my actions seriously, finally.

no there have been many apologies from a lot of people and friends on her side. So much so that the s word has become meaningless because the actions aren’t speaking louder than the words

I was referring to the mom. Had she apologized before? My recollection of her stance was one of arrogance and disregard for the level of egregiousness her daughter had stooped to.

she was in complete shock and her mother was as well. Speechless isn’t even the correct word, all they did was apologize over and over....and I thought, just shut up...and deal with your new life.

I still don't understand the responses here by mom and daughter. The wife was screwing another guy regularly for a year, so how the hell is it surprising that the other man would be the father? Multiple sexual encounters without protection very often results in pregnancy.

Not that it matters, but I'm beginning to wonder if the daughter GREATLY misrepresented the extent of her affair and told her parents it was only one or two sexual encounters which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy.

If so, her reaction of astonishment would not be surprising. Not much different than cops telling a husband his wife was murdered. If the husband did it, he has to put on a performance and fake being completely and utterly distraught.

Preserving her (glimmer in her parents eyes) reputation as well as protecting them from the reality and depth that their daughter conducted an incomprehensible year long affair is her primary objective now that divorce is imminent.

Dropping the AP like a hot potato was also part of her strategy. Shaping the post affair narrative preserves some semblance of decency of the once proud family that has taken a historical hit, with a bastard child and divorced daughter to show for it.

None of this stuff matters, now. Director's on his way to closing the final chapter of this horror story.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:13 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

You can control your side for your child but I think you'll find like most you'll never be able to control hers.

Unfortunately that's the reality of where you're at.

It sucks. I've seen this play out too many times. You can have all the written agreements you want but if she breaks them the courts mainly look the other way. As long as shes doing a decent job parenting, etc. they don't care about anything else.

You'll have to learn to let that go.

You have your time, she has hers. There will be another man in the mix whether it's the AP or someone else probably quick. It's who she is.

I actually think it's really messed up she would try to deny the OM access to his own child. Just shows what a conniving nasty bitch she is. He was good enough to have unprotected sex with for a whole year, but suddenly he's so horrible that he can't even be allowed near his own child. A child who has every right to know who his father is. I think that may have all been for show though. He probably didn't want the baby and ditched her, and she pretended it was her ditching him so it looked better for you, like she was choosing you. But who knows? She's a manipulative liar through and through, and for all you know she could've been talking to him this whole time. Even if he doesn't come back in the picture, she won't stay single for long. So expect a new boyfriend in the picture soon.

I think she's going to pull out all the stops to delay the divorce, hoping the baby will eventually grow on you and you'll decide to stay. So you will need to really go full steam ahead on this. It sounds like you have everything under control though and you know exactly what you're dealing with here. Like I said, you've handle this whole thing with such class, such clarity, I'm impressed. I'm hoping everything goes relatively smoothly for you from here on out!

Focus on factors you can impact and/or affect.

Divorce isn’t an alternative relationship per se. If it wasn’t for your son then chances are that 12-18 months from signing the divorce there will be no interaction whatsoever between you and your ex. The main process of divorce is the financial and logistical dissolution of a marriage rather than the emotional factor.

Whether she can afford the mortgage or not isn’t your issue. For all you know her parents might chip in or she might have won the lottery or whatever. What matters is that you have a crystal-clear picture of your finances – both assets and debts – and that when you sign the documents you are left with a fair division of both. If she wants to keep the house – fine, let her. But only if you get fair financial compensation for that.

It’s not a simple half-of-everything. Assuming you have had a higher income during the marriage then you might have more money in your pension or savings. She might be entitled to some of that, and if she is then it might be to your advantage to let her have more equity in the house rather than have to pay out cash. Or if you need to pay spousal support then MAYBE a single-payment lump-sum might be better than having to make monthly payments. Think out of the box. Find ways of completely detaching and minimizing what interaction you need in the future.

Have your attorney deal with this because this is where his expertise should be.

Like Marz points out then it’s unlikely you can control what she does when she has your child. I would suggest you two accept some basic, mutual guidelines based on good parenting and common sense. Things like neither of you introduces son to people you are dating unless its serious and that any baby-sitter other than close family needs to be preapproved by both parents.

Your future is bright. You will be leaving an emotionally charged and draining environment and entering a new future that you can shape and mold. You can work your @ss off when you don’t have your son and then spend quality time with him. The sooner you detach from WW and her family the sooner that future starts.

Director – this might be flogging a dead horse but… There is no state where disestablishing of paternity is “easy”. It’s “easier” in some than others, like running 50 miles is “easier” than running 100 miles, but it’s not easy as we might understand that word. From what I can garner then about 20k judgements for disestablishing paternity are made per year in this country with many of them concerning adoption rather than your situation. If your attorney – in a small-town/rural area (as per your description) has done “countless” … well… statistically that doesn’t make sense unless your neck of the woods is infidelity-heaven. My experience of attorneys is that good attorneys always give you the bleakest outcome rather than get your hopes up.

Of all the issues you are dealing with then this is the one most likely to have serious long-term impact on you. Treat it with the seriousness it deserves. Ensure the request has been entered, follow it up with your attorney, confirm it’s been entered and when it will be dealt with… Make sure it get’s seen to. DO NOT simply place it in the hands of your attorney and just wait.

[This message edited by Bigger at 2:56 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

It seems as though she has always done as she pleases. Expect that to continue. If not I'm affraid you're going to be in for constant dissapointment.

You will have to find ways to let that go.

Had she apologized before

yes but this was the first time i honestly felt like she meant it.

daughter GREATLY misrepresented the extent of her affair

i agree. Based on when the baby was born as well as some of the other things i think she knew she was pregnant quite awhile before she told me.

You can control your side for your child but I think you'll find like most you'll never be able to control hers.

After a long conversation with lawyer this is exactly what I’ve come to terms with and truly is the reality of the situation.

If your attorney – in a small-town/rural area (as per your description) has done “countless” … well… statistically that doesn’t make sense unless your neck of the woods is infidelity-heaven.

Might be best if i clarify that although my attorney is in a smaller city he does work in an office with multiple partners and they are known statewide for practicing family law. I really do get your point though. Lawyer has simply stated because of the details of this case, it is obvious and pretty clear cut that based on his knowledge of the potential judges that will be reviewing and signing off on the divorce, he believes there is no possibility that i will have any issues. The paper work to disestablish has been filed and received by both stbxww and her lawyer.

On Friday i meet with my lawyer and we completed a final settlement document (draft decree) of what i am proposing. If she doesn’t agree to what it states then mediation will be next. It’s assumed that when she sits with a lawyer, she will realize that some of the things she is asking for just simply wont occur, and at that point everything should be done and we will be able to finalize our divorce without trial or a judge deciding anything.

It sounds like you're doing well in a bad situation and although it sucks its best that you realize upfront you don't have control over her and her side of things.

Last night was interesting.

stbxww text me she wanted to keep son home from daycare so he could spend time bonding with brother. I responded saying going forward we need to have 24 hour notice for his schedule changing. I also let her know i'll be moving out as soon as dicorce is finalized and that she will be needing to meet with a lawyer to go over settlement agreement going forward as i wont be discussing it any more.

She came downstairs and pleaded with me to open the door which i locked so she could ask me 2 questions. I said no, go away, leave me along for about 2 minutes straight, and then just shut the lights off. She went bizerk. Banged on door, hard, tried opening it, bawled, sobbed, walked away she was going to harm herself. Heard her get upstairs and she called stbxmil who showed up about 2 min later and was there for about 30 minutes. Could hear their convo and stbxmil urged stbxww to essentially pull her shit together or i will use this against her. Stbxww got mad at her then and made her leave house.

All on VAR.

You are an assassin, mister! Nailed it! Good on you for having that recoding. Back it up!

I'm new here but I've been following your thread since the start.

What did your STBXW want to ask you that caused her to have a breakdown when you refused? And did she say she was going to self harm? Would I be wrong in assuming you also got that on VAR?

Aside from that I just wanted to say that I hope the divorce proceedings go relatively well moving forward. Can't begin to imagine what your situations like.

Good job D23 on getting all that on VAR. As you can already tell, the exMIL is already strategizing the legal front with the exWW. They are not your family and friend any longer.

Keep protecting yourself and you should run it by your attorney if it makes sense to move out, I think you should have an option once the Divorce starts moving, thats not considered abandonment, but again, that should be run thru your attorney.

With the wayward acting out, and threatening self harm, its not good for you, or your son to be there around her. You should play that VAR recording to your attorney and see what he says. Just flip this around, and if you were the man, pounding on the door making threats, you'd be easily called an abuser and the words DV would be flying around. Be sure to protect yourself.

Entitled Princess Syndrome.

She's entitled to a second chance. Umm, not really.

Your feelings, etc don't matter. Bud, it's all about her and what she wants.

You'll do fine. Just keep contact to a minimum.

You're handling this better than anyone I've seen.

I know it's only preschool, but her excuse wasn't good enough for breaking the continuity of it. The whole purpose is to accustom your child to having a schedule, learning how to interact with others in a structured environment. So, kudos for the 24-hour notice request. I'd consider getting a parenting app going forward though. It will force her to document goofy things like that.

You did great.

I agree with the above poster, bonding with his brother when his brother baby vs toddler can't be much more than looking at him for a few minutes. The continuity of preschool during this crazy time would be better for him. Good job putting in the 24 hour notice.

Great job locking the door to keep her out. Whatever she had to say could have been said through the door unless... she needed a physical element. I keep thinking that she understands that you are not "getting back together" and will calm down but she keeps taking it up a notch. I agree that you might want to talk to your lawyer about how out of control things are getting at home. This isn't good for you or your son.

I'd also consider calling the police next time this happens. Previous Poster is correct a female having to lock herself in her room while her husband banged on the door, made threats, and was generally out of control... He would be removed from the house. I believe her mother even understood this.

It wasn't long ago that your MIL would have jumped on the bandwagon and demanded you open the door so her daughter could talk. Seems even MIL is starting to "get-it."

Maybe the next time she threatens to “harm herself” you call 911 and tell them she is threatening self harm. Have a record of it.

If it’s not true it will be the last time she says it.

Also I’m sorry you have to continue he to face these challenges but I think you are handling this well. You are not being abusive to her but are setting boundaries.

Maybe one day the STBXW will realize she made some poor choices and ruined the Marriage. Maybe............

Good call on putting the 24 hour notice for a change of plans. You may consider adding a right of refusal also if you feel it's in the best interest of your son.

Director, may I suggest that you pre-emptively file a police report indicating that your STBXWW has threatened self-harm in addition to engaging in physical violence, to break down the door? Let them know that you are hoping they might make a wellness check on her and since this was in front of her newborn, that you are concerned that she might also harm the child. A call to the pediatrician would also not be out of line.

Think about it: the father of this child has abandoned her. Her husband is taking steps to divorce her and “take” her remaining child.

She is escalating and I don’t think she could be too far from a complete wreck. There are two children in that house who are at her mercy when you are not around.

I grew cold to the bone when I re-read your posting. The MIL saying you could use it against her, frankly should be the LEAST of the MILs worries. Two of her grandchildren are being subjected to thuggish behavior and threats of self-harm. It’s not far to suggest that a narcissist would never truly self harm but that they by their nature are ready to harm another.

I hope I scared you. Your post scared me and she scares me.

Yes, clear it with your attorney that the VAR is legal but take your son with you go to the police to file a wellness concern. I don’t want to read about a family resembling yours on the news and figure it out.

[This message edited by knucklehead at 8:58 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]