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NoOptTo posted 5/17/2019 17:21 PM

I have to pop in on the topic of the children having the same/different last names. When I first graduated college and was teaching/ coaching, I had the opportunity to coach two brothers with two different last names. They had a third brother, also with a different last name. That's three siblings, 4 years apart with different fathers. I give the mother credit. She ran a very loving household. The kids were brought up with manners and were respectful and good athletes. The other kids need not make fun of them because of the difference in their last names. Actually it was the faculty that made fun of them behind closed doors.

Thou I do believe your STBXWW motivates were to be manipulative, I agree the baby is innocent in all this. I hope that when you do have encounters with OC, you treat him with respect.

director23 posted 5/17/2019 22:12 PM

Ww text me a few times today pleading to allow me to hear what she wants to say. Stbxmil also emailed me and said bunch of sappy stuff hooeing I can stay strong through this and that the whole family is praying for me. I about gagged. Didn't/won't respond.

Past few night I worked on finalizing proposed documents for divorce and left her everything when I picked up son for my weekend with him to head out of town.

I think I was fair in what I offered as far as settlement and schedule, essentially laid out everything and said if you can't agree to this then I'll immediately seek mediation. Lawyer fully aware and ready to move forward.

I agree on the stance of not abandoning the house. I'll plan to return until divorce is finalized but it will be hell, I already know it.

As far as the last name issue I really appreciate the input. I'm honestly too irked off to really take everything to heart but with time I will be able to and will look back at everything stated.

Marz posted 5/17/2019 23:27 PM

I agree on the stance of not abandoning the house. I'll plan to return until divorce is finalized but it will be hell, I already know it.

Once you get the required paperwork filed you could move out. IHS is not a place I'd want to be in this case with all the drama.

Your call

The1stWife posted 5/18/2019 01:20 AM

She’s being emotionally manipulative.

She still thinks of you as “her husband”. She doesn’t want to accept consequences or reality of her choice to cheat.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing by not engaging.

rambler posted 5/18/2019 08:37 AM

What Bigger is talking about is Paternity by Estoppel.


This can happen when a man holds out to the public that a child is his or the woman holds out to the public that a child is his.

OP has known for months the child is not his and has not taken legal action.

The judge will look at what is in the best interest of the child and order support payments.

rambler posted 5/18/2019 08:37 AM

Dup

[This message edited by rambler at 7:20 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

rambler posted 5/18/2019 08:37 AM

Dup.

[This message edited by rambler at 7:23 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

totallydumb posted 5/18/2019 08:47 AM

Thought I would comment on the last name issue.

My father and his 8 other siblings all had different last names.

When my youngest uncle was born, my maternal grandmother died at child birth in 1923.

All the children from this marriage were "given" to other families to raise. None were adopted, and did not have to take on the other name.

It has made family reunions interesting! Lots of people who have married into our family have a difficult time figuring out who is blood relation, and who is related via marriage.

However, nobody thinks or feels any less, or has any issues that I am aware of.

Your son and his half brother will be just fine with different last names.

Your WW and MIL are just trying to cover up the fact that she has had an affair.

It is their issue with shame and guilt.

director23 posted 5/18/2019 13:21 PM

In my state things are quite simple as far as the proces to disestablish paternity goes. I essentially file seeking to disestablish with a legal record proving I am not the father (if that ends up being the case), the child is appointed an attorney who will then most likely file to have the proposed father be tested; once proven, the biological father would begin court proceedings to determine if he will want some type of custody, or to determine child support payments.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/18/2019 21:50 PM

Gee. Looks like her fuck buddy is about to have the chickens come home to roost.

Hope it was worth it. Oh. No money cuz ya got fired.

All for some used ass.

director23 posted 5/19/2019 08:34 AM

So I think I may stay in a hotel tonight just one more night before returning to stay in our house. It is possible the DNA results could come in tomorrow but as late as Thursday.

If I return tomorrow what recommendations would you have to give me in terms with dealing with the situation of being in a home with my stbxw what an infant yet to be determine di am the father. The past few months I've essentially been in the basement after our son goes to bed until the next morning and weekends we've split week to week with one of us leaving. Weekdays after work we would all be together and eat supper and share taking care up him until bed.

If I return, I would bet she will keep baby where we would all be together. Do I just go to basement and stay down there from work until next day? As of now that is my plan but just curious to know others thoughts. In all.hiemstyl I don't think she would use staying in a hotel against me until paternity is confirmed but I know not to assume anything

ChamomileTea posted 5/19/2019 09:18 AM

If it was me, I'd either stay on in the hotel or couch-surf with a friend until I had those DNA results. There's likely to be pressure to interact with the newborn, not only pressure from your wife but also from your son who won't understand your reticence. If it's possible for you to know the facts before dealing with those interactions, it might be best all around. Your STBXWW doesn't seem the type to respect your space without trying to manipulate you emotionally, so it seems unlikely she would leave you in peace just now. It's just been a few days since she was insisting on talking. I can't imagine she won't try to corner you.

whattheh posted 5/19/2019 09:56 AM

My brother wanted 50% custody of his children and he was instructed to not leave the house as was mentioned here. But he was also told to continue caring hands on in the home for the kids when he was home. If I recall you are very hands on with your son at night and you should keeo that up. Your son will likely need even more attention from you given his mother has her hands full with a newborn.

Can you transition him to spending more time with you downstairs for at least half the weeknights? This IHS will likely need to last until you have a written agreement including custody signed by a judge in order to protect your custody rights?

Can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you. Will your son still be going to daycare while his mother is at home with the newborn?

whattheh posted 5/19/2019 09:58 AM

My brother wanted 50% custody of his children and he was instructed to not leave the house as was mentioned here. But he was also told to continue caring hands on in the home for the kids when he was home. If I recall you are very hands on with your son at night and you should keeo that up. Your son will likely need even more attention from you given his mother has her hands full with a newborn. Your son may also feel stressed out because his mother has to pay less attention and if the baby is collicky or cries a lot.

Can you transition him to spending more time with you downstairs for at least half the weeknights? This IHS will likely need to last until you have a written agreement including custody signed by a judge in order to protect your custody rights?

Can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you. Will your son still be going to daycare while his mother is at home with the newborn?

director23 posted 5/19/2019 10:26 AM

Yes very hands on for sure. I simply think I will be manipulated to interact with the child and there's no way of getting around it if I stay there. She is keeping baby in her room which is directly.above mine so if/when it would cry I'd definitely be able to hear everything. I appreciate the input. Son is still going to daycare all day and ww is staying at home w baby. While I was in hotel last week I did stop and take him to daycare each morning. I will most likely ask to pick him up a couple days this week and spend an evening with him to go to park and eat. Results confirming the paternity can't come soon enough.

Bigger posted 5/19/2019 11:16 AM

T/J

Rambler – No. I’m not talking about Parenting by Estoppel. I’m talking about law in (probably) all states, and in most – if not all - Western countries, Australia, Asia, South America, Africa… where the husband of a married woman is assumed by law to be the father of a child born in wedlock. In many states that assumption even extends to a period past divorce…
Depending on how efficient Directors state registrar is then the new child will be listed with Mr. and Mrs. Director as the parents. Director then starts a process to be released from that role by providing proof that he isn’t the father. If a judge approves his request, then the legal registration will be changed. Until and unless that happens then legally Director is the father.

It’s the seriousness of this act that I am hammering on. Director states it’s an “easy” process in his state, but in some it’s considered near-impossible. In many the DNA-test has to be pre-court-approved and in most there are serious time- and action limitations to when, who and why this petition can be filed.

The1stWife posted 5/19/2019 16:59 PM

Since Director has an attorney who is advising him - he is getting the best legal advice regarding paternity that specifically relates to his situation and the state he lives in.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/20/2019 13:19 PM

Director, no doubt this will be an uneasy time with the new baby in the house. Until the DNA test come back, all you can really do is suck it up.

Once custody has been established, or a custody order, you can than find your own place to live. You can always spend your time with your son down in the basement or take him to the park or movies. Its your time, and I'm sure the WW will have her hands full with the new baby. Like I said before, you might get some extra time with your son, which is a good thing for establishing custody rights.

Your WW and MIL are being extremely manipulative at this point, pulling out the stops so that their family name won't be tarnished. You keep staying away from this dumpster fire the best you can. Just b/c their daughter ruined things, doesn't mean you should be dragged down and helping them fix this situation. The benefit of staying away is it will also help you heal emotionally. The more involved you are, the more tied up you'll be. Best to just stay away.

Stevesn posted 5/21/2019 07:09 AM

Did u stay in the basement last night? How’d that go?

rambler posted 5/21/2019 22:31 PM

Hey Bigger OP does realize at the moment that the state considers him the father. This state appears to have a remedy for that.

My concern is that he is aware the child is not his and has not taken any legal action for a long period of time that e may not have the remedy available.

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