SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was everything for my husband, the family was everything for him (we have kids).

You keep mentioning this. A lot!!! I have to wonder if you liked the power trip and took advantage of it to do something to test your power/worth/control. Like you liked inflicted this power over him to hurt him (though you hoped he would never find out) you chose to hurt him. Like I kid who was hurt and had no power in some aspect of their life bullying others just because you could and you wanted that power and control over others. Or even worse wanted to inflict pain because you were in pain.

I think Zug has given good advice and thoughts (as usual) but I will say something on this that is an alternative thought process that you can look at and decide which fits.

I identify with this statement. It was one I used a lot in the immediate aftermath of the A. And, honestly I was a good wife and mother up until the A. I thought that had some clout, or meant something. After all - that had gone on for twenty-some years and the A happened for 2 months.

It didn't matter. I mean, maybe it gave him some reasons to stick around and try and work it out with me in the end, but in the immediate aftermath it was very much what Zug was saying - suddenly I was the enemy. It meant very little because now he didn't know if I had always been that way, or if I would do it again. Or why I would do it. And, it took every ounce of security and threw it out the window.

We tell ourselves a story, a narrative. And my narrative is "I am a good person. I was a good wife and mother. This wouldn't happen again, it was a fluke". But, this is not conducive in really moving forward. The truth is I am just a person, and classifying myself as good or bad (at least at this juncture was not helpful) Later, I think as I have strengthened my integrity and worked on amends, I try and be that good person to my core. But, the whole reason I go into any of that is you have to let that go as your narrative because it blocks you from doing the work. You need to assume (and it's likely true) that whatever led you to cheat was always there. Maybe you acted out in other ways or pushed things down for all this time, but it was always there. Find what those things are.

Your husband thought what you had together was special. A marriage and family to be loved, revered, cherished, and protected from outsiders.

He thought that you also felt that way.

By your actions, you showed him he was wrong.

What is it that you want help with?

He's very clearly saying he wants nothing to do with you, and that's reasonable considering your actions. If he wants to leave you, you really don't have any say in the matter.

Give him what he wants, then figure out why you did something like this so you can make a decent partner for someone someday. That's all there really is to say, you made your bed, now lie down in it.

LMH, you are going to have to let go of the outcome. Your BH will do what he needs to do to feel safe. If that's a D, then you need to accept it. Like it's been mentioned before, for some an A (even a ONS) is a dealbreaker. Nothing you can do about that. Use this time to work on yourself.

I'm afraid I'm going to be one more voice in the chorus of people who tells you what you are not yet ready to hear, but this is where the journey starts.

The way you describe your husband's reaction, the overwhelming likelihood is that your marriage is already over. I don't mean that in the metaphorical sense you sometimes see on SI, where the relationship as you knew it is dead and it's going to be a new and different marriage going forward. I mean that based on what you've posted, you are going to receive divorce papers as soon as your husband can pull them together, and they will not be a bargaining tactic. They will be a statement of absolute intent to not be married to you. Not anymore and not ever again. It's totally understandable that you are drowning in panic, that your brain is screaming that this isn't real, that this can't possibly be happening. It is real. It's also what your husband is feeling, so if he has the clarity to move forward despite feeling that way, it's a strong indicator that his decision is firmly made.

This site is called Surviving Infidelity. It's not called Saving Your Marriage, although most people come here hoping that they will be able to accomplish that. Even if you can't, though, you CAN survive your infidelity and help your BH survive it. You need to shift to where that is your primary goal.

The advice that other posters have given you is really useful, but I suspect that you are still (despite what I wrote above) scrambling madly for any tiny shred of hope that this can be fixed. I'll therefore tell you what I would say, if I were in your situation. I would tell your BH that every fiber of your being wants to stay in this marriage and help him heal the atrocious pain you have inflicted. However, you also see that you and your choices have been completely toxic for him, and that you understand that he has every right to heal himself in any way that that can be accomplished, even if that means leaving you. I would commit to going into intensive therapy to find out why you did what you did, not to justify it -- because there can never be any justification -- but to understand it and be a safer person for him to have in his life, regardless of whether that role is as a wife or as a divorced coparent to your children. (DO NOT, for the love of God DO NOT bring up what this is doing to the children or imply in any way that he should stay with you for their benefit. You did this to your children, not him. He is collateral damage, and his doing what he needs to do to heal himself ensures that they will have a functional father.) Tell him that you understand that you took away every last molecule of power and self-confidence that he had by cheating on him, and all you can do is put yourself in a similar place, where you comprehend that all the decisions are in his hands and driven by his needs. Tell him that you will be doing the therapy and working on yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

Say this if and only if you can mean every word of it. You don't have to believe that his leaving you is the right thing to do. You do have to accept that your belief is irrelevant, and that if divorce is the path he chooses, you will support it to the fullest extent of your ability and regardless of the pain it causes you.

If you do these things, you might (might) start to look like a person he could regard as a candidate for reconciliation. It is, as I said at the outset, a long shot, but I think it's the only shot you have, and almost certainly the best way forward for you as a single coparent. But please don't just say what he needs to hear as a manipulation tactic. You've already put him through enough.

It sounds like you will have lots of time on your hands to learn all about your vulnerabilities and pain.

If you don’t think your husband also has pain and a long history of being misunderstood or unloved you are wrong.

We all have fears. We all fear being vulnerable.

You have only added to his fears - you have made them real. He was vulnerable by loving you and you took advantage of that with no regard for him.

Apologize. Move out. Sign the divorce papers.

BS here. Your husband is hurting. You think you know, but I can assure you that you have no conception how badly he is wounded.

LMH I think you can spend your whole life and come up with reasons why you did what you did; and those are fine for your healing and personal growth. But at the end of the day all your husband cares about is that you did what you did and that was that. For some people adultery is just a deal breaker.

If you truly love your husband, then you will do anything to facilitate his healing. If granting him a fair divorce will help him in that healing then that is what you should do. Selfless and sacrificial love on your part is what he needs. Your stepping up and sacrificing your own happiness and security to help him heal will go a long way towards showing him your remorse.

If you have not done so, you should go to the entire family (your children, in-laws and your own family)and ask for their forgiveness while taking full responsibility for your actions. You need to make everyone who knows of the situation fully aware that your husband had nothing whatsoever to do with your affair and that none of it is his fault.

When he spews anger at you, you need to stand there and take it. Tell him that you understand his anger and that you know you are the cause of it. It is ugly and uncomfortable but you need to just do it. And it may last for a long time...even years. I'm not saying you should stand there and be insulted or abused, but if he is just venting you need to be strong enough to absorb it.

Never denigrate your husband publicly or in front of your kids. Always build him up and speak well of him to others, even when you don't want to, and even if or when he is telling everybody what a rotten person you are (hope he's not doing that).

If or until your divorce goes through, treat your husband with respect and kindness. You do not have to let him abuse you, but always show him you care about his feelings... including his anger.

To me this sounds like it was very recent. How long ago was the afternoon and when did he confront you ?

You made a choice, without your H input, knowing full well that he would never agree with it. He is doing the same. You aren't going to fix this in a short amount of time. Maybe you can salvage some form of a relationship with him. It is possible. A lot of us thought our Ms would end after Dday, but did not.

He has questions that you can't or won't answer. Not giving him answers is pushing him away.If you can't explain it how is he to understand it ?

You need to start digging deep to figure out some things on your own. Regardless of what happens in your M you need to figure this out. I think you get what you did was not "reckless," but downright misaligned to your own values.

Like I said if you don't have any answers yourself how he understand ? IC is the right place to do this work. I think that is where your time is best spent. Further I would also see a Pdoc. The way you describe this I think there may be more going on.

You might not like what you see on the inside. The "darkness," so to speak. You need to look hard into that darkness and start figuring out what really is in there. It is not only necessary for your own healing, but is really the only shot you have at saving your M.

In the absence of these answers he will make up his own (much worse than reality) answers. If you want to stay M to him you can't let that happen. He has already checked out. Each day he solidifies in his, "instinct," that this is what is right for him.

Further he has told you what he wants right now. You fighting him on it doesn't come across as love. It comes across as selfish with a huge side of disrespect. You want even let him leave you peacefully. Drama is not something many guys take very well.

I know I am being blunt, but I do think that is really your only shot. He may give you an opening in the future. When he does you are going to have to show him how you are different that day versus today. If you have at least some progress toward being the wife he truly deserves he might soften some and be more open to something short of a D. Today he wants a D. What can you offer him ? Empty promises ? He is too smart for that.

Your words are meaningless to him right now. You have proven that you will lie and withhold information about his life from him. To protect himself he has to not believe your words any longer. He has no trust and no faith that a future with you will bring anything but more pain.

"You've learned your lesson." I get you believe that 100%. I'd also bet you never expected to cheat on him when you got M'd either. How did promise you made turn out for him ?

IC is the right place to work on you and sort this out. Even if your M doesn't survive then you walk away with a clearer understanding of yourself. You can become someone who you want to be without the "darkness," lurking behind the facade. In either case it is something you will need to do for yourself.

I know I was blunt and I do apologize. I get no pleasure about reading about another M ending due to infidelity. My M survived, but my W worked her butt off to do the things I described above. She showed me a different future was possible than I one I saw. She rebuilt my trust in her. She showed me why taking her on her promise a second time was not too much to risk.

I wish you the best in your journey and hope you hear my advice. Keep reading everything you can get your hands on right now. You may think he isn't watching. He is watching everything you do. Just be as genuine as possible. Read, go to IC and give him space. He needs to process this. Smothering him will just chase him away. Your love hurts him and until you can show him it will be different he will move away at any chance he gets.

You keep saying there was nothing special about this OM, he was simply there in that place at that time. You had already decided you were already going to cheat on your BH once but only once.

Why? What on earth could be your reasoning for doing this to someone you say you love so completely? I simply don't understand your thought processes - and please don't say I didn't think or I was selfish, you know there has to be more than that!

As for your husband, for some people cheating is simply a deal breaker, there is no coming back from it. You can try giving him time, being there for him, letting him know you want to reconcile but I wouldn't recommend crowding him or pushing him, remember you made your decision when you cheated now it's his turn!

Just mindboggling you’d give away your family for some short term (an afternoon) kicks. Risking a life with a beautiful family and husband. Just stupid.

Your husband should find out who this man is and tell the OBS. She needs to know the horrible choice her husband made, too. She needs to know. To make her own decisions. You have his card, give it to your husband and let him contact his wife and let her know.

And BTW, please get tested for STDs. Seems like the AP was “a player”. You may not have been his first rodeo.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:21 AM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

I had to check for a stop sign before responding, BS here over 25 years out.

There is only one thing I see that may give your M a shot, and that is the Truth.  No, not what you think is the truth, but no color added truth.

From what you posted, I’m not seeing it.  This is not meant as a 2x4, it’s just you really need to be honest here.  I do believe a lot of both WW’s and BS’s, as to quote Yoda “See through you we do”.  You have a lot of work to do, and I mean a lot.  Save your postings and read them a year from now and you’ll see what I mean.

Affairs destroy the bond of Trust you both had together, without that bond of trust being repaired;  IMO you won’t have a chance.   Stop minimizing and the blameshifting by claiming victimhood.

I read your posts and a lot seems to be missing???  First , the EA portion looks like it started for longer than you initially implied.  Next, you do state you were to paraphrase “Down for Sex” to the OM.  That you wanted this.

How many times and duration did you meet before deciding to go from EA to PA?  Were you texting/messaging him from initial meeting to meeting where you deciding to engage with OM?

I’m believing your H saw or picked up on clues you were leaving behind.  Otherwise, how did he find out, what did he start doing to investigate the EA portion of your A?  I give him credit if he “listened to his gut”, and he may have suspected something was up.  Did either of you have a discussion that he would have initiated about “how was work going?  Or “Is something/someone at work is causing you stress?”

Another thing, this wasn’t a “One time thing” not in his eyes.  In his eyes, this is the one time I caught you.  Nothing you say to him will convince him otherwise, might as just own that one.

The biggest thing WS believes, or at least most, is they won’t get caught.  Not always, but this site is littered with the ones that got caught.  I wished you had came here first to read the heartbreak from the BS’s here, but horses have to escape the paddock before the gate is fixed, sadly so.

So now you realize the tip of the iceberg of the damage that you have created, and wish you can put the genie back in the bottle.     Not your choice, it’s his.  How long was did this happen?  If fairly recent, your H is all over the place.  He is going from “She is dead to me” to “I love her so much, why did she do this to me?.....or the norm,  “I wish I could go back in time and change something so it would never happen”

I recommend you start counseling to find out the why’s as to why you thought this was a great idea.   It may not save your M today, but it might save your next one in the future.

FWIW, What are you going to tell him (your H) when he wants to tell the OBS?  If you don’t give him the name, address, phone # etc. of the OM to him, then in his eyes you value the OM over your M to your H.   BIG Coffin Nail.

Yeah I bet that one wasn’t in the “So You’ve Decided to Have an Affair” brochure.  Depending on what stage your H is in, in the Healing process, I won’t put it past him to want to talk to OM’s Wife.  The decision you make, will be a crossroads decision for you.

You are going to have to decide how much your desire to stay married is going to cost you…..TRUTH or Divorce.

Hi guys

I am sorry

I do not know why

but this post looks like a troll.

jinkazama, regarding your assumption, the mods are the ones who make that call and we members are not supposed to "call out" who we think may be trolls; just a friendly FYI.

Troll or not, there's some really good, heartfelt sharing on here that is helpful for me to read as a BH.

The fact that there is no stop sign made it much more inviting and potentially hospitable and welcoming to any and all input.

Consequently I'm happy to see what the former waywords are posting, because I don't often get into reading all that much in this forum myself.

Of course the downside is that I wish that all of us on here could have this kind of a reading assignment in high school or something.

At least then people would have a harder time playing dumb and acting like they didn't know any better about the consequences of murdering a marriage or adulterations of the marriage agreement/covenant and the trust that is invested therein.

No stop sign, so I will add my post.

BS here. The affair for me was a deal breaker.

For me, it wasn't so much the sex my XWS was having with someone else, it was all the lies.

I get the impression from your posts that you are minimizing the affair. It may have been just one time.

But how many lies (and lies by omission) were told to your BH? All these lies, have totally eroded any trust your BH had in you.

Your behavior before your EA went PA is probably what made your BH think there was something going on. Most waywards (not all) do not realize that they treat the betrayed very differently when they are engaged in a EA.

Now, once you are caught, you are playing the victim. Poor you, don't want to lose your husband and family? That is the consequences of your crappy behavior.

Cannot explain why you wanted sex "just one time" with someone else? Perhaps it was a feeling of entitlement or selfishness. Your posts seem to indicate this to me. I could be wrong.

Time to put on your big girl pants, and face the facts and consequences. Your BH is facing them, and he did not engage in the A.

Stop the bull crap of playing the poor little muffin who didn't realize what an affair would mean to those around her. Take responsibility for your crap and let your BH make his choice of whether he wants to be with a unremorseful cheater(lets face it, you only regret getting caught) or if he wants to find someone else who will be faithful in a marriage with him.

This does look like a desperate situation. Have you tried asking him if there is anything you can offer in a new unofficial marital contract that will make him stay? one sided open marriage for him only? sex with you, whatever and whenever he wants. Never complain about anything ever again. Personally I think hard selling a new deal, although a long shot, is your best chance.

LMH: Read these posts carefully.

I wish that all of us on here could have this kind of a reading assignment in high school or something.

Almost aspirated my water on that one. Amen to this.... maybe the SI users should band together, form a PAC, and get all the states to enact infidelity (or basic human decency?) as a high school requirement...

BS here, you wanted to cheat. You cheated. You got what you wanted. Your marriage ending was the result of the choice you made.

I’m not sure how to tell you to rewind the clock, or make your husband fall back in love with you. I’m sorry you’re here.