SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post. I cheated on my husband. It happened only once and unfortunately it was planned to be so. I did not plan to tell him because I never wanted to leave him and losing my husband was never an option for me. I just wanted to sleep one time with another man and didn't plan to do it again. So one day I did exactly that. I spend one afternoon together with the other man and it was over. Now, my husband does not want to reconcile and says he's going to divorce me. I don't know how he found out but he confronted me with evidence of my past indiscretion, so there was no denial. I just had to confess everything. Now I desperately need help.

My husband also barely talks to me, hardly touches me. He is not interested in sex anymore and we have no intimacy. The rejection kills me. I do want to talk now about everything because confronted with reality it seems that it has snapped me back to it. I have to deal with all the shit that I've created. Husband says he's not interested. He says that he has everything he needs to know, that my actions are the only thing that matters and that we are going to divorce. I can see the hate in his eyes and feel it in the tone of his voice. It kills me and I am heartbroken. Don't misunderstand me, I know that I totally deserve all the anger, hate and resentment.

If I'm honest with myself than I must admit that I had no reason to cheat. I can't explain it. Each time that I think of my actions, I get very angry with myself. It pains me to see his suffering knowing that it was my recklessness that caused it. He used to be a very strong man and now he is broken. I just feel that if he gives me a chance, my love for him has the capacity to heal him and save our marriage. I have faith that we are able to make our relationship even better than before. All he needs to do is give me another chance. I know that one day everything will be o.k. We will look back at this and smile and he'll be glad that he didn't give up on me.

I have tried to do everything. Asking for counseling (for both of us), giving him his space, saying I will tell him my where about, offering to give up all my social media and I also started immediately one on one counseling. I am open to do anything he needs. He just doesn't care anymore. I also keep telling him that I am sorry. I have no contact with the OM as it wasn't anyway planned to be more than this one time thing. I tell my husband that I appreciate everything he does for me. I also make extra efforts to show him that I love him. I reassure him that he's better than any other man and I always offer him sex and telling him that I'm open to fulfill his sexual fantasies but the only thing I get is rejection and him telling me that it is over.

He doesn't want to hear anything from me. He is convinced that the other man is better than him. That he is better endowed, that he is better in bed, that I love the other man and not him. This is of course not true. He also keeps telling me that I can have the other man but the only man I want is my husband. I think he says this to hurt me which I understand and not because he really believes that this is true. Maybe it is just wishful thinking but this is how I feel. He asked me to stay a few more weeks until he can leave the house. Of course he can stay. I don't want him to stay a few more weeks. I'm not willing to lose him; I want to live with him for the rest of our lives. I don't want our marriage to end. I still deeply care about him. I really love my husband with all my heart. I truly want him to be happy again with me and only with me; still being a part of my life. How can I convince him that I only want HIM and the BEST for HIM! How can I reassure him that he's better than the OM, better than ANY man! I'm in physical pain over this.

Sorry you are here,but what made you do it?

There is an option to place a stop sign on your post so that only waywards can reply. Although most of the time it is good to get the perspective of the Betrayed, sometimes it's not.

I see you are in great pain and I will be as gentle as possible.

From this betrayed husband's view, I'm going to tell you that everything your husband says is what normally goes through a betrayed husbands mind.

You seem to be very intelligent. Yet, your thinking is so far from reality that it amazes me that you cant see it.

We will look back at this and smile and he'll be glad that he didn't give up on me.

1. He never gave up on you. Stop trying to twist yourself into the victim.

You gave up on him when you decided to cheat.

2. If he decides to stay he will never look back and smile about it. But you would.....

I'm not willing to lose him

Yes, you were willing to lose him when you made the decision to cheat.

You knew the consequences and it was worth the risk. You didnt believe you would get caught.

The risk was worth the reward, at the time.

But now consequences are involved, totally not worth it.

Generally the more information you provide the more useful the advice.

How old are you guys?

How long married?

Any kids?

How did you meet the OM?

Why him?

Where when did you schedule the ONS?

Where was your husband?

Where did your husband think you were when with the OM?

How long until he confronted you?

Does your husband know him?

I just feel that if he gives me a chance, my love for him has the capacity to heal him and save our marriage. I have faith that we are able to make our relationship even better than before. All he needs to do is give me another chance. I know that one day everything will be o.k. We will look back at this and smile and he'll be glad that he didn't give up on me.

WOW. As a betrayed spouse this makes me pretty angry to hear. I don't think that I'll ever be able to look back at my husband having sex with another woman and smile and be happy that it happened, but know that we're still together. I believe that our relationship could be good again, but I don't think it will ever be as good as it was before [because before I had (foolishly) unconditional love and trust for my husband]. Sometimes I wonder if I'm always going to struggle with feelings of disgust and shame when I look at my WS (wayward spouse) and think about our marriage... sometime I used to have pride in before now makes me feel shame.

I'm not willing to lose him; I want to live with him for the rest of our lives. I don't want our marriage to end. I still deeply care about him. I really love my husband with all my heart. 

Here's the thing though... for some people (many people), cheating is a dealbreaker. You try to downplay and minimize it -- just one afternoon and it was over. For a betrayed spouse, that doesn't make much difference. You were willing to throw away your husband and your marriage (and possibly your family, if you have kids) for one afternoon of sex.

I can pretty much guarantee that your BS (betrayed spouse) didn't feel like you deepy care about him or love him with all your heart while you were lying to him to have sex with a stranger.

How can I convince him that I only want HIM and the BEST for HIM!

Honestly? Listen to him, and what HE wants. Even if that means a separation or divorce. Yes, you can tell him that it's not what you want, you can stay in counseling and work on yourself -- figure out why you decided your desire to have sex with another man trumped your husband's desire for a faithful, honest wife. Figure out why you were willing to throw your marriage away for one afternoon of sex. Be the best wife you can be.

But if he decides that separation or divorce is best for him, then give him that without a fight. Accept that he knows how he feels, that he might not ever be able to forgive your cheating, and he knows that the best thing for himself is to move forward in life without you.

There's another poster on the wayward side you should check out -- pdxguy. He loves is wife, even though he cheated, never wanted to divorce, but is in the middle of one right now because his wife decided she does not want to be married to a cheater.

That's completely stupid. He can have a great life when he gets with someone who didn't cheat on him. What's in it for him if he stays with you?

The delusions are high here.

Hello. Welcome, and we’re all sorry you are here. This forum has helped me for a long time, so I’m going to try to help you. Sounds like you are getting some 2x4’s across the face, so I will refrain from that, even though I believe they are highly necessary during this process.

First off, you CAN’T convince your husband of anything, he has to decide it for himself. He has to decide if he wants to trust you again, forgive you, love you, and stay in the marriage. These can be separate issues. What you can do is work on yourself. Counseling is a good start. Figure out why you cheated. “I was bored” isn’t why you cheated, maybe that’s the start, but it’s deeper than that. If you make positive strides for yourself you will grow to be a better person and spouse. Maybe your husband will stay and maybe he won’t, but that’s not your choice to make. There are even people on here who have separated then remarried, no one can see the future.

As for him, you have to understand that you hurt this man like very few things on earth CAN hurt a man. It’s not just “something you did”. He sees it as an indictment of his character, physical attributes, and masculinity. He is going to question his own masculinity. He is going to ask if the other man is more ALPHA than he is. He is going to do the things he’s always loves to do, then question if they are nerdy. I am a senior military leader, multiple combat deployments, a college degree, I’m 42 and still wear 32 waist jeans, weight lift every day. My wife’s affair makes me feel like I’m not masculine, I’m weak, I’m not strong enough for her. I do the things I’ve always liked to do (like jigsaw puzzles on my IPad) and I hate myself for liking them. I ask myself if it’s masculine to do jigsaw puzzles. I ask if the other man would be doing jigsaw puzzles. I don’t ever play guitar anymore because I feel like the nerd at a campfire who plays guitar while the hot chick goes and fucks the football players. He will hate himself for every hobby he has, and he’ll ask himself “is this a manly/masculine hobby?” Im doing better after 2 years, but there will always be a sadness inside me. This affair will always be a part of our marriage. This other man will forever be tied into our lives because of her choices. That’s how he is going to feel. You need to be ready for that. My wife sometimes tells me, “Tou don’t seem like your normal/chipper self.” I have explained to her that I will NEVER be the same man. I will always have a sadness, a remorse, a question of “did I stay for the right reasons?” She can either love the way I am now or not, that part is on her. You have to decide if you are going to love him (regardless of his decision to stay or leave) as he changes through this process.

My wife and I are almost 2 years after D-day, but only 6 months into true reconciliation. That’s because she was still hiding things, still valuing her lies over our marriage. She came clean about every aspect of the affair the day she valued our marriage more than she valued her lies. You need to figure out the difference. You need to understand that it might take years before this wound is healed. Also, you have to accept that it will always be a scar. There will never be a time in your marriage where it didn’t happen, where it doesn’t exist.

Stop trying to see the future and work on the present. Work on yourself or you won’t have a healthy marriage.

You made a conscious choice to betray your husband for something so cheap...and now are feeling sorry for yourself because you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.

Seems like you are still putting yourself and your needs and wants before your husband's.

Trust me when I say that he will never look back at this painful chapter of his life and smile about it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to seek counseling for yourself to find out what is broken in you.

That doesn't mean that you will get to keep your husband ,who you tossed aside for an afternoon of lust.

Welcome to SI. As a WW, one of the first things you can do here is take a look at the BS threads in Just Found Out. It is brutal reading there, so be prepared to feel. You say you can't explain why you cheated, but admitting the answer to that is exactly what you need to do. Until you are ready to admit to yourself and your BH that you are broken and are willing to work to figure out exactly how, you will be hit with tons of 2x4s here. TBH, your post sounds the opposite of remorseful (and all about you). I think you also need to realize that your M will certainly never be the same again, if your BH ever even decides to give it another chance. The kindest thing you can do for him now is truly listen to and respect his wishes where you are concerned. This is why I feel your post is lacking remorse. If you were there (remorseful), your post would be about the damage you caused your BH, and not the consequences of your A that you are facing. Remember that you made the selfish choices to have an A (for reasons unknown to you) and have damaged the man you profess to love. Now the choice to fix yourself is up to you. Do you dig for your reasons? Search for your lost integrity? Reach for honesty in all things? Become a healthy person? Learn true empathy? Or do you wallow in the muck of your own making, feeding your victimhood? Being a WS means facing some pretty terrible truths about ourselves and having the strength to work at fixing them. And I say this knowing that no amount of work we do ever makes anything right.

I am not trying to be harsh and throw more 2x4s at you, but I want you to understand why others are and will. There is no way for you to ever understand the depths of horrific pain you have inflicted, especially if you truly think that everything will be alright if he just gives you a second chance.

Love my husband, you don’t love him - you love yourself. You ruined your marriage for a whim or fantasy.

When you are betrayed by someone you love and trust - it guts you to the core. You trust nothing - certainly not the cheater, and you don’t trust your past together. It is devastating.

I don’t see empathy in your words. Nor remorse. Just regret you were caught.

This is a sad story.

Hello, the most important thing is that you willneed to find out wh you cheated. You said you don't know why... There is always a why. Where you charmed by the avances of the other man. Where you curious how it would be. Is the sex life with husband unsatisfying. BS questions this clearly. He worries the endowment of the other man. Is he insecure about himself. No matter what. Clearly he is now haunted by mind movie's. In his head you are shouting from enjoyment while riding a enormous willy. Something he worries he never can give that to you. In his head this is the reason you cheated. ( he is a man, man tend to think like that, and man have a fragile ego concerning sexual prestations) That is the reason he won't touch you anymore. He feels inadequate and failed as a man. He will never look back and smile about this, even if you both stay martied.

You need to understand what a HUGE wound this is to his self esteem - in his mind he meant so little to you that you were willing to risk his health (STDs), the marriage for something so trivial as a random afternoon of sex. He is questioning what was so appealing about the OM - what made you want sex with him so badly that you would risk what you now say is the most important thing to you - your husband and your marriage. He is questioning his masculinity - his ability to satisfy you sexually. He is wondering WHY you would seek sex with another man - why wasn't he good enough.

The fact that you didn't mean for him to find out is of absolutely no comfort to him. That you would be willing to have this lie in your marriage - that he would believe he had a faithful wife when all along you knew the truth just adds to the betrayal.

In a perverse way I am almost glad that my H thought he was in love with the OW - it made a perverted sort of sense that he had the A for what he thought at the time was love. It gave some sort of meaning to the A in his mind. If he admitted he was willing to risk everything - his family, his marriage for a random afternoon of sex with someone that meant nothing to him - that would just be an extra blow to the already devastating blow to my self-esteem.

Give your H space - he needs to have time to work through his emotions. All you can do is show him you are working on what was so broken in you that an afternoon of casual sex was more important to you than your marriage vows. Unfortunately, if he is adamant about D there is nothing you can do, but support his decision, be fair with the proceedings.

You gave up any exceptions of loyalty and empathy from him when you callously chose to destroy his world.

I am a fellow wayward. I am going to boil down what you just said so that you can hear what we are hearing.

I wanted to have sex with someone new so I planned it so I could do it. Now I want my husband to accept what I have done with no regards to how he feels about it.

I am not trying to be hurtful, I can identity with where you are. But you have a big road ahead.

First accept you are in control of no one but yourself. Figure out the deeper whys as to what made you do this. All of them should be internal to you and blame no one but you. That will be your roadmap of working on yourself to be a better person and a safer partner for him or someone else down the line.

If you want to help your husband stop trying to sell yourself as the best option at this point you are far from it. Instead try and do use on being apologetic to specific ways you have hurt him. Expect no out come from that just know it’s basic humanity and humility to do so. Respect him and what he needs. Don’t push an agenda and don’t play victim to circumstances you created. If you can have that shift it will help tremendously. But you need to do that without expectation of outcome and more out of true contrition and resmorse.

Hi LoveMyHusband, as a WW, here's what stuck out to me in your post

If I'm honest with myself than I must admit that I had no reason to cheat. I can't explain it.

You're not going to get better until you figure this out. Your husband may or may not stay with you, that's his decision. But he probably shouldn't if you don't know why you did it, because you're maybe/probably going to do it again (I am guessing you will say you won't. If I have no idea why I just did X, then obviously the chance that I'm going to do X is not zero, and he would be foolish to believe you right now).

Something that I read early on that is only just starting to make sense to me was - resentment leads to entitlement. Why did you feel entitled to cheat? What did you resent?

You have to start to try to understand his point of view. Keep reading until his perspective makes perfect sense to you:

He is convinced that the other man is better than him. That he is better endowed, that he is better in bed, that I love the other man and not him. This is of course not true.

Read the BS threads. They are heartbreaking and sobering and maybe you will start to understand why he thinks this.

Keep working on it. Pay especial attention to the WSs who have been here a long time.

I truly want him to be happy again with me and only with me; still being a part of my life. How can I convince him that I only want HIM and the BEST for HIM!

Do you see the contradiction here? You can't simultaneously want what's best for your husband while at the same time insisting that he should only be with you. Wanting what's best for someone means being willing to take yourself out of the equation. You seem convinced that staying with you is the best choice for him, but until you recognize that you're categorically wrong in that assertion, you're going to remain stuck. Right now you're basically the worst option in the world. You're the woman who betrayed him premeditated, cold-blooded fashion. You're the source of more pain and anger and humiliation than he's likely ever felt in his life before.

How can I reassure him that he's better than the OM, better than ANY man!

Dunno, how do you? How do you convince someone to whom you made lifelong vows of love and fidelity to that they're better than the OM when you decided that the OM was worth more than every promise you ever made to your husband? It's kind of hard to find a better way to tell a man how worthless he is.

I'm in physical pain over this.

Your self-inflicted wounds are for you to deal with on your own. He's not going to care, nor should he. Nor should anyone else. The pain that matters is his, not yours.

Maybe you should listen to him when he says he wants to divorce you. It is entirely possible that what you have done IS a deal breaker.

You can't promise him a thing because you have already broken every promise you made when you married him.

How about figuring out why you planned to, and then did, cheat on him?

How about working in becoming a person of integrity? Maybe he will decide that makes you a safe partner. Maybe he won't. But you are guaranteed tow be a safer partner to yourself, and to any partner you may have, whoever that may be.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and assist me with your guidance. I really appreciate it. Even the "harsh" responses were very helpful and spot on. This was sober reading. Please, keep posting because I need to hear the truth and not what I want to hear. Yes, I need reality check and the bare naked truth, not the sugarcoated version of it. I know I still have to learn a lot but I'm willing to learn. I need all of your responses although it seems that I have lost my husband and ruined my fanily.

I agree with most of the posters but also have a lot of questions. My husband is in a bad place so I don't want to leave him alone. I will respond later in detail to every question. I just want to say that it is hard for me to look inside myself because I am afraid of the person that I might meet there. Is it because I lived a lie all of my life? Is it because of the demons? The answer is obviously a big YES. It was also heartbreaking to read the posts. I think many of you put the finger on a very primal place or source of vulnerability. I know I need to be vulnerable there but it is something that I could never do. I was always trying to "protect" myself. Instead of being open and vulnerable I have always put a layer after layers of emotional armor. Now, that I have to strip myself from all the lies and look inside of me at this bare naked truth it is very hard. It is also scary and not only because of the demons or the "unknown" but because I have never done it. I'm new to it. With many things, you guys, were spot on. Many things that have been said seem to be true. I know this. I just don't know how to proceed from here and this is where I need help.

I was asked about the encounter with the other man. I met him at a work conference. It was the first time I saw him. He started to flirt with me and I went along with this because I wanted it and already planned to sleep with another man. Yes, horrible, callous and even coldblooded as many of you said. The other man was also married and was looking for some NSA sex. He didn't care much about his wife either. We exchanged phone numbers and the next day he called and invited me to lunch with him. So I went without thinking too much, because I had already decided in my mind that I wanted to sleep with another man. We met several more times and then decided to rent a room for a few hours. Then it happened this one afternoon. I told my husband that I was going to stay at work and then meet with a friend of mine. Because I have not been away for a long time, only a few hours, he did not suspect anything or so I think. When I and the other man were done, I told him it was it, that there would be nothing more between us. As far as I was concerned (then) I did it only this one time and I had no intention of repeating this experience. Yes, at that time I had no problem with doing it (it makes me cringe now), I did not see anyone. It was all about me. Now, I can see myself for the POS I was and regret it.

"Where you charmed by the avances of the other man"

Yes, I liked it although the other man can't compete with my husband in that department. It was not about the lack of romance in my marriage or the incompetence of my husband. It was something really dark. That's what I'm afraid to face.

"Where you curious how it would be"

Again, yes, but it is something different that is so scary and hard to admit for me. As someone so eloquently pointed out it was about a whim and fantasy – a very cheap and dirty!

"Is the sex life with husband unsatisfying"

No, my husband is well endowed (although he thinks the other man is better) and an amazing, skillful lover. I think the affair wasn't about the sex. At home it is better. Again, I have hard time to admit it. It also makes me scary to face those demons. Someone mentioned here resentment and I think resentment goes hand in hand with power and control. I can't understand this because my husband didn't do anything to give me an excuse to act like this, even not the slightest. He was always respectful of me and saw me as his equal. I just want to cry when I think about it and what it did to him. I literally stabbed this man in the back. LITERALLY!

"Is he insecure about himself"

No, he never was and never had a reason to be. He is now and I did it. I am the cause of his insecurities. When I see him I want to take his pain away. If dying was a solution, I would happily do this for him. Obviously, it isn’t and unfortunately I can't take his pain away. It's a catch 22.

"Why him (the other man)?

It was not about the other man. He's nothing, you can't compare him with my husband. No comparison at all. My husband beats him in every aspect and department even with his hands tied behind his back. I could have cheated with anyone. The other man was a pawn I used the same way as I used my husband!

Here's the thing:

1. You ruined your marriage for a WHIM or FANTASY

– I agree

2. Resentment leads to entitlement

– also true, I mentioned it above

Those two statements are very close to the truth. It was probably about a whim and fantasy, a dirty and cheap one. It was also about resentment and especially power and control maybe even the (unfair) demonization (of my husband). The thing is I had no reason to behave like this. No reason whatsoever. I was everything for my husband, the family was everything for him (we have kids). My husband is a hardworking man. He is also a family man with high morals. The old fashioned but the positive style. When he is not working he's at home, helping and taking care of us. Me and the kids are the center of his life, his universe. And I have crushed it. He does not deserve this. He would give up his life for his wife and family. I know I don't deserve him but I just can't let go.

I think many of you put the finger on a very primal place or source of vulnerability. I know I need to be vulnerable there but it is something that I could never do. I was always trying to "protect" myself. Instead of being open and vulnerable I have always put a layer after layers of emotional armor. Now, that I have to strip myself from all the lies and look inside of me at this bare naked truth it is very hard. It is also scary and not only because of the demons or the "unknown" but because I have never done it. I'm new to it.

I felt like this when I was trying to find my whys. I didn't even know that was a thing until I came to this site because the first counselor I had for IC didn't bring it up either. She also didn't want me to tell my husband and it seemed like she wanted me to rugsweep it within myself. But, I found another counselor and I kept reading and writing here. It was a long process for me, probably for the same reasons you allude to...I had become very unconnected from myself. Are you in IC? I highly reccomend that and journaling.

The only way through this is through. You can't stay frozen. The only way you become remotely capable of being someone who can help your husband is if you can unravel these things within yourself and address them.

However, I would recommend you read "How to help your spouse heal from infidelity" I think that's part of what you are looking for from us, there is a lot of good information there. I will also see if I can go find the post "Things every WS needs to know" and bump it for you.

I will say that I can relate to your thoughts as pre-deciding this. I was having similar thoughts as well prior to the A. I did actually dissect those thoughts and I wanted change and craved chaos. Not really sexual change, but my days were groundhog days and from the way I grew up it felt too calm. I was accustomed to chaos, even though I didn't like it when I was growing up. I had gone to great lengths to have a different life for my kids. Kids were suddenly gone and I kind of lost my need to be stable in some ways. Mine was different than yours in that I had decided those thoughts were crazy so I put them away. Only to have some of that re-emerge at ….a ….work conference.

I gave you that just in case there was something you could identify with that you could build on for you. I will go and look for that post now.

He didn't care much about his wife either.

I am curious why you mention this? The likely truth is that he did when push came to shove just like you. Though when you get to truth neither of you cared about your spouses or loved them. You treat them as objects. My impression is that you are trying to build yourself up into something that was wanted instead of someone that was easy. Hence, why you wrote your entire post about how you are such a great catch and that your husband would be happiest with you. Which just isn't true. You are a stranger. Not even a good one at this point, but an attacker and enemy. Strangers on the street are better than you right now to him. You have no remorse, and most NWS don't. It is regret, because you are caught and the risk is due. Like a dog with a bone. You didn't give a shit about the bone when you wanted what you thought would be worth it.

Your behavior and choosing to sleep/plan for an affair is not a one time thing. It is the climax of a series of behaviors you have been exhibiting and probably don't want to admit to. It would serve you best to stop thinking of it as such. Your selfishness and self-centerdness is pretty apparent even if it is rooted in a true lack of self confidence and esteem. Your post was all about "I" and what you feel you are worth to your husband. Which at this stage isn't much. Your husband is the prize. Not you. Think back and ask yourself some questions. Did you always need attention to validate yourself? Did you always need to take center stage? Were you passive aggressive in fights to get your way? Did you have issues with material things soothing you? Did you always feel so entitled? Did you always go for instant gratification without really thinking about not just the cost to you, but how that would affect others. There were things in your character before that were majorly flawed.

I have to wonder if by having the affair your head hasn't inflated X times its normal size and your ego believes that you are worth more than you are to him. He being so broken by you. Your husband may be heart-broken, but he is not a broken man. He knows what he wants and what is best for him. He sounds empowered to me. He is reacting in a normal healthy way. In time he will realize the AP is not better than him. Just that he is better than you both. You know who and what you really are. That is a hard truth to look at. The sooner you do it the better. You are worth a lot to yourself and to your children. So, focus on fixing yourself. Your husband is worth a lot to be away from someone so toxic. You just sound like you get a bit of an ego trip that you think you have broken him because you "ARE worth so much to him". You didn't. I know that sounds dark. Maybe that is your darkness. Hard thing to admit. Yet, your posts scream that to me.

You have to be truthful to yourself about resentment too. Your husband could be reading here and you want to sugar coat everything. Yet, you have highlighted it, quoted it, and mentioned it. Resentment contradicts you saying it had nothing to do with your husband or the marriage.

I was everything for my husband, the family was everything for him (we have kids).

You keep mentioning this. A lot!!! I have to wonder if you liked the power trip and took advantage of it to do something to test your power/worth/control. Like you liked inflicting this power over him to hurt him (though you hoped he would never find out) you chose to hurt him. Like a kid who was hurt and had no power in some aspect of their life bullying others just because you could and you wanted that power and control over others. Or even worse wanted to inflict pain because you were in pain.

You gambled with how much you thought you were worth to him and what you thought was his unconditional love. Turns out you were wrong and you regret it. You haven't even stated that you would take it all back to not hurt him. Just that it was a one time thing and meant nothing. That is minimizing and regret. It isn't even about what you are losing. You keep mentioning what he will lose. He isn't losing much here. A cheater. You aren't a separate entity from the person who planned to hurt him. Yes, you do sound cold and calculating. You enjoyed having that power. Only to cover up who you truly are. I don't think you really want to be that person anymore. Get into IC and fix yourself. Use this as an opportunity to face yourself and be enough for yourself without the need for that type of damaging power. Face who and what you are. Choose to become someone different for yourself and your kids. What you did wasn't power or control. It was just choosing to be cruel to someone else.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:55 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

Forgive me if I missed this earlier, but how did your husband learn of the infidelity?