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Exposing him to his family was the right call. Tell him he can take that anger and shove it.

In fact you are a very strong woman.

Had to quote myself because...

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family. And, get this, warned me not to talk with the other BS.....as he was imagining the slippery slope we might travel. I told no....I’d talk with whomever I needed to and go dwell in his slippery slope imaginings. I know I’ve lived there far too long.

I'd advise not to go to MC but have him get himself into IC so he can figure out why he thought cheating on you and your son was a good choice. Sometimes MC focus on what you both can do to fix the marriage and gloss over the affair...

Once NC is established, it's not unusual for AP's to try to break it. In your case though, I think it's likely that the OW is highly motivated to do just that. If your WH is serious about NC, steps will need to be taken to prevent incursions. I would suggest changing phone numbers and email addresses, eliminating messenger apps, and also pairing his phone to a tablet where you can monitor it. While it's true that you can't close every avenue, it should be extremely difficult for her to break NC and easy for your WH to maintain it. The very first time she tries, try slapping her hand with a "cease and desist" from your attorney.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:38 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Ladybugmaam, I haven't read all of the posts on your thread but have read all of yours. It's pretty early to call your WH remorseful. Plus, it doesn't sound like he is. He's mad because you informed his family. He's told you to not talk with the OBS (good response, by the way). He didn't know what he wanted to do.

He's regretting getting caught and doing damage control. If he was remorseful he would be doing everything he could to help you not giving you orders. He would be on bended knee.

A better book for him to read immediately is "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. McDonald. He can google it and find it. He should commit it to memory. You should read it too so you know what a remorseful spouse who wants to save their marriage looks and acts like. There is descriptions of behaviours of WS who aren't willing to put in the effort.

I'm so sorry you're here. I'm glad you were referred to this site. Given the circumstances it's probably the best internet site to find.

Edit: damned auto incorrect

[This message edited by steadychevy at 3:36 AM, March 1st (Friday)]

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family.

Since when is it your job to protect his affair? Really? He did this on his own, now he should deal with the consequences.

Also, he should fix himself (IC) before you consider MC.

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family. And, get this, warned me not to talk with the other BS.....as he was imagining the slippery slope we might travel.

Typical entitled wayward behavior. He's nowhere close to remorse. Remorse requires empathy. He is at present thinking only of himself. And since he is a lying, cheating POS, he assumes everybody around him is also a lying, cheating POS.

And, get this, warned me not to talk with the other BS.....as he was imagining the slippery slope we might travel.

This is so typical cheater 101 it's cliched.

I told no....I’d talk with whomever I needed to and go dwell in his slippery slope imaginings.

And the perfect response.

Did I tell you how much you rock?

Like mentioned above Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time until he sorts his shit and shows remorse ( he's not even close). He should go to individual counseling. The affair was not a marriage problem it was a 'fucked up him' problem.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 9:08 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

How old is your son?

If he told me to not talk to the OBS I’d send him a selfie with both of you throwing him the finger 45 minutes later.

His childish demands need to be mocked, not addressed. He is a man child.

You’re doing extremely well under tough circumstances. Remember we posters have all been there, often in very similar ways.

Standard advice here is no MC at this early stage. IC is what’s required.

I would put a VAR in his car.

Have you demanded a full timeline of the A?

Have you demanded full access to his phone, computer and other electronics?

I imagine you’re reading the OBS’s thread here too - you’re both in the same boat and dealing with somewhat similar WS reactions and you’ll benefit from that advice there.

I’m glad you found SI.

Stay strong.

Ladybug,

I want to project some likely outcomes for you, as you move forward.

If you decide to R. This takes between 2 to 5yrs, and depends on eventually 'BOTH' giving their best to achieve this. I mention 'eventually' because it takes the BS a period of time to want to contribute appropriately to the R process.

Some participants on this forum, have stated that their marriage is now better then before the infidelity. Although, some effects of the A last with both for the rest of their lives.

Others lament that they wish that they would have D , as they were unable to fix their brokeness.

And then there are those who found infidelity a deal breaker, and divorced quickly. A higher majority of these were able to find happiness alot sooner then the R ones.

There are a variety of R D outcomes in between these scenario's.

God bless as you decide what you want to do.

Tell him to take his anger and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. He has no right to be angry. He doesn't want his family to know about his shameful deeds? Then he shouldn't commit shameful deeds. I agree that he's not remorseful (yet). I'm also going to recommend that you stay away from MC until your husband has been in IC for a while and starts showing remorse for what he's done. And you need an MC who specializes in infidelity. I cannot stress this enough. A lot of MCs will actually make the situation worse if they don't fully understand how incredibly earth shattering infidelity is.

But, you are doing amazingly well. I can tell how strong you are by your responses. Stay strong. Keep watching his actions.

Tell him to take his anger and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. He has no right to be angry. He doesn't want his family to know about his shameful deeds? Then he shouldn't commit shameful deeds. I agree that he's not remorseful (yet). I'm also going to recommend that you stay away from MC until your husband has been in IC for a while and starts showing remorse for what he's done. And you need an MC who specializes in infidelity. I cannot stress this enough. A lot of MCs will actually make the situation worse if they don't fully understand how incredibly earth shattering infidelity is.

But, you are doing amazingly well. I can tell how strong you are by your responses. Stay strong. Keep watching his actions.

Tell him to take his anger and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. He has no right to be angry. He doesn't want his family to know about his shameful deeds? Then he shouldn't commit shameful deeds. I agree that he's not remorseful (yet). I'm also going to recommend that you stay away from MC until your husband has been in IC for a while and starts showing remorse for what he's done. And you need an MC who specializes in infidelity. I cannot stress this enough. A lot of MCs will actually make the situation worse if they don't fully understand how incredibly earth shattering infidelity is.

But, you are doing amazingly well. I can tell how strong you are by your responses. Stay strong. Keep watching his actions.

I'm gonna post this on both of your threads. It occurs to me that, given the close relationships, it's quite possible they are now working together to synch their stories so their timelines will match and they can continue to lie to each of you. Specifically, they will try to minimize the scope and extent of the A. You should (a) be sure they aren't going on a deleting spree, deleting emails, message threads, and texts, and (b) start using various recovery software ASAP to get this info and start building a timeline. Also, start remembering when their joint "workouts" went from 1.5 hours to 2 hours, then to 3 hours, etc.

We have an appointment in 2 weeks for counseling.

MC s for when both parties are committed and want to fix the marriage. When that is not the case (and it is not yet) then it is typically used by the WS to manipulate. Talk about issues, find fault in both sides, etc. Sympathy shopping. It is pathetic to watch.

That time may come, but not until he has dealt with the fact that he has a empty hole where his ethics, his moral compass, his heart ought to be. He needs to do that on his own.

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family.

Anger is a response to losing control, and in this case you grabbing it. You have him by the short hairs, and are giving him a master class in “don’t you dare fuck with me.” Keep it up!

Given it is way more than likely that they are still in contact it’s beyond critical that he’s going to need to pass a poly where one of the questions is ‘was there contact after d-day’.

I’m fact, just get him scheduled for one and watch his face when you tell him. That’s all the poly that you need.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

((Ladybug))

The thing of it is....he’s been “trying” for the last 4 months while I’ve just learned that this trying included a sexual affair.

Can you clarify what you mean here? What is he saying he was "trying" to do?

I want him to be with me because wants me.....not to placate me until whatever insecurities drive him to look for inappropriate attention from someone else further down the road....or the OW again.

That is your wisdom and self-worth talking. Keep listening to it. Let it be your guide.

We have an appointment in 2 weeks for counseling. I’m grateful he’s trying.

Gently, consider whether you want to be grateful to WH for this.

If your best friend suddenly and for no reason punched you in the face and shoved you onto the ground, would you feel grateful to them if they said they were "willing to work on the friendship," as you're lying there shocked, shaken, and bleeding (and getting no actual help from them at all for your injuries)?

The psychological attachment that occurs in M is no joke. It can really blind us to what's actually happening when loss of the attachment is threatened. We can lose all sense of proportion.

WH is the one who should be grateful, as in on his knees grateful, that you are willing to give him the chance to try.

I agree with others that MC is a bad idea right now, but it is of course your choice. So if you do go ahead with MC, it is imperative that you go into it with that attitude: expecting his wholehearted gratitude for this opportunity, not feeling grateful that he has deigned to consider "working on" the relationship that he has been actively and unilaterally destroying.

He’s also mad as hell that I told his family. And, get this, warned me not to talk with the other BS.....as he was imagining the slippery slope we might travel. I told no....I’d talk with whomever I needed to and go dwell in his slippery slope imaginings. I know I’ve lived there far too long.

Right on!

One last thing:

The most important part of the 180 is that you are re-channeling energy previously devoted to nourishing the M to instead nourishing yourself. You are re-committing yourself to Ladybug.

This is not a cheap trick to win WH back. It is a deep reworking of your internal wiring so that you truly realize and understand the fact that he is not the prize here, you are. And because you will always have you, you will win no matter what.

Triathletes are a small community within the larger running and biking communities. There are probably 30 to 40 5Ks to Half Marathons for every triathlon or even mini triathlon. If your WH continues in this hobby and the OW does as well they are going to bump into each other at events which typically involve weekend travel because there just aren't enough events close if they are serious about competing in several per year.

Has your WH addressed how he is going to handle this? Is he going to give up triathlons as a part of this? Are you going to travel with him to any event he goes to? If you do try to Reconcile I think he may need to give this hobby up. The training is long and will likely trigger you when he goes out for a long bike ride or run and I can't imagine being comfortable letting him go off on a weekend out of town for an event for a long, long time.