SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lilac, start your own thread dear.. we will be able to best help you with less confusion for the other poster.

You will be heard and will find lots of people ready to help.

I’m back at home and hearing all good things from WH....but keep replaying all these conversations and betrayals both from WH and OW. On antianxiety meds, but they just seem to knock me out briefly and I wake up in a panic. He held me last night while I sobbed. We see a counselor Tues. I have my own to rely upon. Even with the steps in a positive direction, I feel unraveled.

He’s agreed to a timeline, but wanted some time to get it together. From what I can gather, these rendezvous happened while I was in church.

I’m in a no-fault state. We had nothing when we started. I don’t want anything - but for the pain to end. More than anything, I’m so very sad over the life I thought we had together. He keeps telling me that even I don’t believe a word he says, it’s his job to make it right for me and will do anything to do so. I feel like the all the knowing and not knowing is literally driving me mad. I can’t eat or sleep or focus on anything. I’m grateful for what he is doing - but how can it ever get easier?

For him to make it better he needs to understand he has to give his ENTIRE lifetime to healing you. not just a few years. His life! absolutely nothing less will suffice. he owes you so much - he must be a stellar husband. every. single. day. to the day he dies.

He needs to back the timeline up with a poly that includdds questions about No Contact since D-Day and if there were other affairs.

This is also a one of the biggest reasons to inform the OBS. You guys will obviously compare the two timelines, which is why it’s inportant to poly about No Contact - to make sure they’re not colluding on it.

Big big hugs, Ladybugmaam. You are in the very early days of being hit by a huge life-changing trauma. I know it's not really a comfort, but everything that you are feeling is normal. You've been traumatized. You are in fight-or-flight mode and experiencing hypervigilance.

This DOES get better over time. It's good that you have an IC. Increase your appointments if you need to.. Talking it out helps, journaling helps. Self-care helps.

I have to warn you that since you are so early in the process, there will be other hits coming. With each new revelation, it's going to feel like you've been traumatized again. This is not easy. I am so sorry. I feel like my telling you that this shall pass is such little comfort. But know that all of us here have been through it. We've survived. We've thrived.

For now, take it day by day, minute by minute. Focus on doing whatever it is to make life easier on yourself.

Ladybugmaam

As unbelievable as this may be, you are doing well. Don’t stop asking for what you need.

On the timeline let him know it’s not just. A list of events and physical encounters but also what was said, what he was thinking about her and also about you and your son and the same about what he was feeling.

Let him know you’ll want to sit down and discuss as much as you can tolerate and ask for clarification and details if you need them.

If he wants to do the work, this is a part of it.

Also ask him to document the first draft of everything he thinks needs to be In a healing plan. He needs to research and creat this. This will be a guide for the work he does the next 1-2-5-10+ years.

You’ll review that as well. We can help you on what to ask be included as requirements for your healing.

If he’s saying the right words right now, great, but those have to be backed up with actions.

How was his NC letter and apology letter. Did they get sent?

I wish you continued stresngth. Both you and the OBS deserve better than you got here. Now we’ll see what your WS’s are Truly made of as recover starts. It’s not for the faint of heart but it is possible for great things to rise from the ashes of infidelity.

Talk to your doctor about your current symptoms. The meds should not knock you out. Tell the doctor what you told us. Perhaps your dosage can be adjusted or another med would work better for you.

Ask the OBS what med his doctor prescribed.

You're suffering from PTSD ...do not make any final decisions on R or D until you recover (at least 90 days).

We're going to our first MC appointment this morning. 90 minutes. I feel like I'm about to attend the inquisition. WH is following me around the house trying to reassure me....that he wants us better than when we were at our happiest. I didn't know we were that unhappy. Maybe a bit stale after 23 years....but not so much as to lead to this. (And to that poster questioning my fitness/attractiveness.....you better believe I can finish a marathon faster than you and look better doing it) ... H is saying what a mistake this was. I reminded him that this was a premeditated choice on his part. If he was that unhappy, his responsibility, his duty to me, was to talk with me and work with me. I was unhappy with his attention and time with the AP.....and he blew me off. He says he can't explain it to himself, let alone me right now and that's why he wants to talk with the MC. He says he doesn't want to cause me anymore pain and that he doesn't have the words to say what he means. I let him hold me last night again. We slept (nothing more) for the first time in a week. He told me that he never held her like that, never wanted to. Never slept beside her...never wanted to. I told him that he reduced our lives together to a box on a decision tree. It was him holding me tightly and me wrestling with pushing him away - sometimes mentally - sometimes physically. Him apologizing over and over. Him saying that he would make it right.....and me telling him that I'd heard that before. But we both slept. He keeps asking if I'm willing and I keep telling him.....lets just get through today. And that I have no reason to believe anything. He's a big time fixer. I keep reminding him you can't FIX feelings. I'm so grateful that the OBS pointed me here. Wishing/Needing both of our families strength and peace to get through this.

If you feel like he is smothering you with all of this then by all means tell him so. It sounds like he is desperate right now and frankly your description of how he is acting sounds miserable. If you need him to back off a bit tell him. It is going to take time and consistency of behavior to show you that he means what he is saying and just repeating it over and over while hovering over you is not going to speed this process up.

My suggestion would be to read about the 180 and implement it to some degree. The purpose is to create some psychic space so you cam find your truth.

And do not let him get away with "mistake". He made probably thousands of conscious de visions to lie and betray. These were choices.

Finally, it may be a bit soon for MC. Usually people suggest IC for a while before MC.

Why are you going to to his therapy session? Is it his idea? Is MC supposed to help you accept his betrayal?

Don't be surprised if the MC follows a therapy model that distrbutes at least some blame for his adultery onto you. Generally, broken people need to fix themselves first before MC.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:57 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Praying for both of your families.

(And to that poster questioning my fitness/attractiveness.....you better believe I can finish a marathon faster than you and look better doing it)

Love love this. I think you are doing great. I think running over his tri bike was 100% appropriate given that they used their training as an excuse to get close to each other. If I were you I would make it non negotiable that he is no longer training with women – EVER. He can train with you or he can stop training at least for a while if not indefinitely. Hang in there strong lady. Please don’t let their vile actions take running away from you. Have you been for a good run since finding out? It might be a good way to let go and let out some of the shit that is bottled up.

his reason for doing it was simply SEX. that is all and that is it. it is the truth. every male contributor on here will confirm that. you could also ask every man you know (in a hypothetical way) whether this is true. i guarantee it is. don't believe 'i wasn't happy' crap. he just wanted her body for as long as he could get away with it. there has to be consequences for his blatant greed....

a couple of Q's you could ask - how did he know he wouldn't make her pregnant? how did he know he wouldn't catch an STD and pass it to you? it seems protection wasn't even considered here unfortunately.

Good luck with the MC. Your husband will need to become a unicorn.

The statement about “holding you” is pretty pathetic. If it was not the same with the OW, why keep the affair going? Let me guess, “I don’t know”.

Appears you gave him quite a bit in the marriage (all marriages do go a little stale), and it wasn’t enough. How is it enough now? What changed?

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Yes, those are all questions we're dancing around right now. 1. MC was his idea. At first he didn't want to make the appointment unless I committed to working on it (think DDay +1). I told him I was never had a moment where I was uncommitted, that I couldn't guarantee anything, and that if he was sincere about us....he needed to find the person, pay for appointments, be the person to proactively change this......and then there would be no guarantees of anything on my part. 2. I did my STD test....He claims he always used a condom. We have a teen boy in our home and recently bought these for him to explore on his own. Creepy as it sounds, it plausible that he used these. 3. I think the holding was just some comfort that he felt he could offer me....however pathetic it may sound....I know that it was comforting to us both. 4. One of my items on the list of my needs was that he never have another female training partner. He agreed to this and offered/completed many more things that I didn't have on my list. I want to see his list and the timeline. Though, I've been able to construct much of that myself.

The MC session was good. There were perspectives exchanged that neither of us could verbalize in a healthy way before. He says he's there and it's all about helping me. MC therapist kept focus on finding the why he chose what he chose. And, encouraged him to find IC and friends he could rely on for support - which he's looking into. Leaving that office was the first real breath I've taken in a week.

I've tried to run once since all this came out, but it was a disaster. Today is a beautiful outside. I'm going to try again.

the 'why' really is just sex im afraid. men are programmed that way, its just civilization that can contain it. hard as it is to hear your WS is a 'bad boy alpha'. you will need to watch him for as long as you are with him.

Funny thing.....I think she made him feel like a bad boy alpha. Despite all the "jet setting" perceptions.....that's not him. BUT, WTF do I know.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:00 PM, October 14th (Monday)]