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Can’t believe I’m posting this but my husband has been a complete basket case for a couple months now. He went MIA last weekend and then after an argument he went missing again this weekend. He came in this morning after no contact for two days and he’s crying tells me he thinks he’s gay. He had met a gay man and has been secretly talking to this man and spending time with him. He says nothing has happened they haven’t kissed or hugged or anything and he isn’t sexually attracted to him but they have a good time together and now he thinks he might be gay. I think he is having an emotional affair with this man and because of that he is confused if he is gay or not. He is a mental mess and has been for a couple months since his brother died, stress at work, dealing with his mothers dementia and now this guy comes to the rescue and is being my husbands sounding board. My husband is in his 60’s never had any attraction to men at all our sex life is good we have sex everyday sometimes more than once a day and no problems there. I’m confused, he’s confused and we have had communication issues for awhile. Could someone with no history of attraction to the same sex just turn gay all of a sudden at this age? He says he feels like he’s going crazy and his head is going a hundred miles a minute and he has never been one who could do confrontation or deal with grief or any kind of conflict what so ever he always just runs when issues come up and hope things work themselves out. He says they haven’t done anything and he’s not sure if he wants to do anything he isn’t feeling physically attracted but he is connecting with this man so he thinks he’s gay now. I’m sorry if I rambled but I’m so lost. Has anyone had this happen to them.

Get to his dr for a complete check up then into IC.

He can not be gay but is acting out due the stress

in his life. Do not believe that nothing has

happened between those two.

Look on the I Can Relate forum here st SI fir same sex affairs.

There may be more posters who have been in this situation.

I’m sorry for your situation - sounds like a lot is on your plate.

Maybe find him a good therapist experienced in this trauma.

Also he may have opened up to someone and you could be right - it is an EA. Maybe he needs a good friend right now.

But it is common that during a trauma or emotional situation one turns away from their spouse and finds comfort with someone else. Not sure why - but it happens often.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:44 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

I am truly not buying that nothing has happened especially since he has had multiple affairs before but always with women. I’ve never seen him like this, in such extreme dispair. I mean he has lied so many times before and tried to cover his ass before but he never acted like this and never this emotional state. I’m sure there is more to the story but to be honest he is not even trying to stay with me and I’m not even trying to keep him here but his emotional state is out of control right now I’m afraid he will hurt himself. He went to the doctor a week ago on his own to get antidepressants because he said he feels like he’s losing his mind. I’m trying to talk him into getting counseling. I think he has so much shame and guilt that he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I’m not making any excuses for him because this man has repeatedly destroyed my heart and soul but there is something totally crushing him this time. He said he’s not having fun at all and that he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He has never been attracted to men in his life so maybe he took the plunge and screwed a guy just because and now just assumes he’s gay and the emotional affair they have going on is too strong to escape. I don’t know I have no clue at all on this one. He could have come in like his normal past self and grabbed his clothes and told me he’s leaving but he came in balled his eyes out and told me a little about it and that he’s gay. I just can’t buy that someone in their 60’s who never had any homosexual tendencies just suddenly turned gay overnight. Although I could be wrong. I think he is self punishing himself because he has been on a constant loop over the past couple months that he is just a piece of shit and that he has screwed up everyone’s life he’s ever been associated with and that he hates who he is.

He's a proven serial cheater and now he thinks he's gay, let me tell you something, when a man thinks he's gay, he's at least bisexual, don't believe for a second nothing happened in those days he disappeared, what exactly are you trying to save here ? please get rid of this proven SERIAL CHEATER and liar, you deserve much better, someone faithful who loves you and respects you, consult an attorney immediately and have him served, you have given him plenty of chances and now he's increased his potential APs by adding men into the mix. Get tested for STDs ASAP.

The trouble with the ICR thread is that it's very low volume. I looked a few days ago and the last post was in August, 2018.

My bet - and I've bet my happiness and comfort on it - is that M with a bisexual is not significantly more dangerous than M with a straight person. That means M with a bi is not that much more of a crapshoot than M with a straight.

What about you? You write about your H, and we can't so anything about him. We can help you though, if you let us know what help you're looking for.

Your H seems like a guy who can't commit. You seem to accept every blow he delivers via his poorly hidden infidelities.

How can we help?

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:20 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

Frustration101,

So sorry you are back. Reading your user profile and your previous posts it seems that you are dealing with the same cheater (WH) this is just another chapter in his warped cheating autobiography.

(((gently)))He has never quit cheating on you.

What does he want or expect from you with this new revelation?

Is this is plea for pity? Is it an excuse so you won't be pissed that he went MIA? Is it even true? Could it be yet another OW and he is using this to cover it up?

Go back and read your user profile story. Then ask yourself what you really want out of life.

(((good luck)))

Armchair psychologist here but.....

My husband is in his 60’s never had any attraction to men at all our sex life is good we have sex everyday sometimes more than once a day and no problems there.

You are in your 60s and have sex every day? Is this because your WH initiates it every day? This seems a little abnormal, or I'm a real slacker, but has your WH ever been diagnosed with a sex addiction problem? You say he has had Affairs before right? I really think he needs to be in some sort of counseling to get to the bottom of this and if he is a SA then he would take sexual satisfaction where he can find it and it might be with a man.

When you say he hasn't had homosexual tendencies before that is probably not true. You can't know for sure. There is a good chance that he has had physical contact with this man and with others in the past. Please get an STD test now, ask your WH to do the same and get him to see an IC that specializes in Sex Addiction.

He’s in his 60’s and takes erectiion pills but I’m only 52. To tell the truth I get myself strong enough to leave and then I fall back down the rabbit hole again because of love or more likely I’m just attached if I’m being honest. I’ve see the bad in him but I have also lived and seen the wonderful in him. I just think he is so broken from something in his past that makes him do these things. Again not an excuse because I have seen him play his game so many times but I’ve never seen him in actual pain before like this though. To tell the truth I think I have just become so numb myself that I can’t even cry anymore I mean I hurt terribly but I can’t even bring tears anymore. I also have a strong empathy for people and I hurt more for them than I do myself. I guess I’m just a hopeless sucker who thinks I deserve to be treated this way. I have abandonment issue from my childhood. I don’t know why I stay I really don’t.

I don't think anyone ever just suddenly "turns gay". He has probably always had some sort of attraction to men.

He needs to get IC. Meanwhile, you need to detach yourself from this situation. You cannot be responsible for someone else's mental state. Look into codependence. Read the book, Codependent No More. Take care of yourself.

So much to unpack here. If your sex life has been robust and he has otherwise had affairs with women - he's not gay. He may be bisexual and this is the first time he's met a man he's really physically or romantically attracted to but attraction for the opposite sex of your partner, is not a justification for an affair anymore than attraction for the same sex as your partner. Lots of people (myself included) are bisexual and monogamous.

He sounds like he needs IC really badly. Don't let the fact that the AP is a man be a red herring. The larger issue is he is secretly meeting with other people. Its the secrecy and dishonesty that is the real problem.

Exactly regardless of if it’s a man, woman or from outer space it’s still an affair. But getting him to tell the full truth is like pulling teeth with a spoon. That’s exactly what we fought about when he ran off the other day was the fact that he finally admitted he was talking to someone else in secret. I just have not been on this end of it that it being a man I mean I have no experience in this kind of betrayal. I don’t know how it works or what to even say on this one. I’ve told him he needs to see a counselor and I even gave him the phone number of some but if he does it or not is nothing I can control. My problem stuck in my head is no one that enjoys sex with women so much can possibly just suddenly be gay. Is it possible that he got emotionally attached to this man from talking and spending time that he experimented and now thinks he’s actually in love just like they do with a regular opposite sex affair. I mean could he be in the fog in a sense on this one too.

He needs a complete physical/mental/psychological work up. He also needs to be completely honest with you. He has put your health at risk. From your definition he sounds like he is emotionally very delayed in maturity.

Good luck.

I think your husband is and always has been bisexual and just kept that under wraps (he's in his 60's - homosexuality was frowned upon growing up in the 1970's). Food for thought ... his affairs may just have been acting out to prove to himself he was not "gay". Regardless - EA/PA, OW or OM. He's unfaithful.

I hope for once in his life he tells the truth but I am highly doubtful of that. I’m gonna call the doctor and do the walk of shame again to see if I have any STDs and pray that I’m clean. He is a cheater no matter what I guess I was just always stupid enough to believe he would change and for awhile he would but then it would alway fear it’s ugly head again. I guess maybe it’s harder this time for some reason knowing that I’m being left for a man. I mean it was bad enough being left for the skank women but as dumb as it sounds I knew I was always better than them but with a man I don’t know how to process that. I told him people don’t just become gay one day. He said well I feel like I’m like the husbands on Grace and Frankie they just turned gay one day. Omg

Frustration, stop focusing on him. Don't put any more energy towards figuring out if he's bi, gay, or straight because it gets you NO WHERE. It's something your mind is using to distract you from the fact that this man has used and abused you AGAIN for the umpteenth time. You can't figure it all out for him.

180 him. Detach. See an IC and get yourself strong enough to not get sucked back in. Pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" like Coco suggested.

Thank you all for your replies. I guess I’m just lost and utterly in shock this time. Maybe I’m just scared to be alone for the rest of my life.

Frustration101, I’m so very sorry you find yourself here.

My husband cheated on me with a man for six years.

I just want to say that I totally understand where you’re coming from in regards to feeling bad about being left for a man. It would be hard enough comparing yourself to “the other woman” but what in the hell do you do when it’s “the other man”??? I’m certain I can’t articulate those feelings very well via written word so just know I understand.

I’m not a bisexual man or a gay many or any variation of a man so I’m really no expert but I feel fairly strongly when I say your husband didn’t just turn gay. Not to minimize anyone’s experience but I think it’s probably pretty difficult to be a non-straight man. Yes, I know its 2019 and all that but if we’re being really honest, a lot of people aren’t really understanding of gay men. Or bi-men. Or any other variation of LGBTQ+ men. And in the middle of America, perhaps not the best place to figure out one’s MSM curiosities in an understanding and supportive environment….. Your husband has probably always had some same-sex attraction but just didn’t know how to deal with it. Or perhaps wanted to avoid it. Who knows? Only your husband; but I’d guess you won’t get a good answer from him. Check out ‘gay-in-denial’ and you can find a ton of information about people who struggle with confusion surrounding their sexuality but refuse to be anything but straight.

Look, at the end of the day, your husband has knowingly cheated on you and continues to lie to you. I don’t care if he was serving food at the local homeless shelter – you don’t go missing/no contact with your spouse for two days!

He says “he’s not sure if he wants to do anything…..but he is connecting…..” Ummmm……unfortunately, when you get married, you give up your choice to “do anything” with someone else other than your spouse. He’s telling you he’s thinking about having sex with someone else because they’re “connecting”. This is not ok!! You deserve so much better than this.

His problems and confusion and whatever else are just that, HIS problems and confusion and whatever else. You can’t solve his problems. You can’t un-confuse him. He has to do all that work himself.

You need to work on you. Why are you so attached to this? Why do you let this man treat you like this? You are the only one who can answer those questions. And figuring all that stuff out will help you get the strength you need to do whatever it is that you need to do.

Please take care of yourself. Hugs to you…..

Thank you I am trying and to be honest I was doing fine with him being gone for two days but when he walked in with this bombshell this morning I felt like my whole body just wanted to hit the floor. I know I have many issues of my own that need addressed I’m just to be honest f**cked up now

...husbands on Grace and Frankie they just turned gay one day.

I've seen the show. The husband's actually hid from their wives that they were having an Affair for more than 20 years so that's his model?