SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s true, he could be full of shit. He is a we’ll documented liar and cheater, so anything he says is taken with a truckload of salt. My WW suspects that while he may drink a lot and who knows about the coke, he probably concocted a drug problem as a justification for his bad behavior. Going through the program is a good way to make people believe that you’re getting your shit under control and becoming a better person. Ultimately I don’t really care about him at all. He could snort himself into oblivion and I wouldn’t give a shit.

As far as my wife putting all these negative qualities on him, and not herself, that’s not true. She’s very hard on herself, and she was very fucked up to do this. But she thought she was falling for this dude. He pretended to be somebody he was not. They talked about things like literature, philosophy, politics, various social issues. It was a mental infatuation for a month before they had a PA for another month. But it was all a lie. He had 2 other APs, one of which was sort of friends with my wife, and who eventually blew the whole thing up. He told my wife he was separated from his wife... not true. He turned out to just want another piece of ass, and my wife was apparently the next one. She struggles with this a lot. And now, on top of all these other qualities, he might also have been a coke addict at the time? Just another example of what a flawed and fucked up individual that she allowed herself to blindly fall for.

I'm in agreement with this sentiment from hikingout:

If I went and saw AP's wife in a diner, and she didn't seem to want me to approach - I would leave her alone! Especially if she was with people who probably don't know who I am. I would have walked out of that diner the minute I saw her. If you want to sincerely apologize to the OBS - then set up a time, don't ambush them in a restaurant at lunch with their co-workers. Let them mentally prepare and consent to it.

If you're an AP, you went and got your kicks at incredibly high cost to someone else. The right thing to do if you happen to see the BS public is keep your eyes on the ground and give them a wide berth. If you want to apologize, first send a message asking if they're willing to give you a minute of their time and be prepared to be told to fuck off and die in response. If, however, they agree, let it be entirely on their terms. Don't just randomly walk up to them in public when they're out with other people. That's incredibly inconsiderate.

That's incredibly inconsiderate.

If they had any sense of something resembling a healthy boundary, they wouldn't have fucked our spouses.

This is just an other inconsiderate, selfish act of a prick coward.

Even if he's 9th-stepping...

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

...I think he would need to reevaluate the injury part.

..you handled it by taking the 'HIGH ROAD' and for your freedom, you resisted the temptation to stick your fork into his neck!!!!

Luckily, I don't have to wonder if the OM will ever 'bump into me'...

He had to worry about what he was going to tell the "BIG MAN UPSTAIRS" when he faced his maker.

Oh!!! ??? I forgot.... the piece of shit OM didn't go......upstairs!!

He's burning in Hell, right where he belongs.

Sorry you had to go thru that Fenderguy..

smy

She said she struggles so hard with how she let herself fall into an affair with a person like that. And now she has to pile drug addict on top of all his other bad qualities that she didn't see?

Fenderguy- It still all about her. It just doesn't feel right. Her selfishness is part of the problem. IC would do her a world of good.

Fenderguy, you did good in that situation. I applaud you for it. I imagine it took quite a lot for the slime to apologize.

I still live 2 houses from the little whore and I am still waiting (15 years now) for an apology from her. I doubt that will ever happen. If it does, I don't think I would handle it like you did. I am sure I would tell her to go fuck herself and be done with it.

That was step 9 on the 12 step program.

Not sure what I would say....perhaps, you do realise that you're her fifth co-worker from her past 3 relationships, and if your lucky you could be her third husband .

Guaranteed she hasn't told him anything about that...lol.

I would never at this point expect an apology from either of them. They will have to figure it out for themselves.

Bowing out of the t/j but clarifying that my comments were clearly stated to be about the posts in response to Fenderguy's post, not about his post, actions or feelings.

I wonder if the conversation would have been different if it was the BW who was a member of S.I. and posted that her WH had approached the other BS and offered an apology. And, of course, what would it be like if BW and BH (Fender Guy) were both members of S.I. and each told their story of the apology.

I also struggle with the logic that the AP had anything to gain by shaking a guy's hand in a small diner and apologizing without specifics. An apology that no one else benefited from and no one else who matters even knows about. I don't know how him lying about working to become sober and win his family back made any difference to anyone in the small diner. But mostly I don't understand how so many of you are so positive that he set Fenderguy up and lied to him.

So I retreat, apologizing for the t/j, scratching my head and wishing I was smarter so that these things made sense.

josiep, no need to retreat. We always need other opinions. That's what this place is all about.

Again, maybe it more of a male perspective, but I'm cynical about whether a person can really change who they are, especially an addict and cheater. I can relate to Fender never trusting or believing AP's motives or actions ever again. He has no reason too. It would matter little to me if it was a magnanimous gesture or a cheap attempt at resolving his guilty conscience.

Fender's issues remain with his wife.

I wonder if he would have approached if Fender was at the table with his wife?

Would his wife have offered an apology to the OBS if the scenario was reversed? And the reaction of the OBS to her?

You should not make amends directly if it causes harm to that person or others. He caused harm and should not have done it.

I wonder if the conversation would have been different if it was the BW who was a member of S.I. and posted that her WH had approached the other BS and offered an apology.

Not at all. I'd say that her WH should've stayed the hell away from the OBH unless given permission by him to speak to him.

I called the OBS and told him about the A 9 months after it ended because it seemed to me that he didn't know. My WH tried to get me not to saying that surely he already knew because everyone in their small town seemed to know. I wanted to make sure he knew rather than assuming. He told me that he had heard but it had been explained away... I can only imagine what she told him. I was crazy and made my WH fire her.... I sent him email proof and then my WS got on the phone to verify it had happened. The guy still didn't want to believe. My WS apologized to him and the BS told him that if we ever ran in to each other to not approach him.

I think the OM was at least trying to own it even though it was not in good taste. Remember, these people do not do things the way we think they should be done.... Instead of working out there problems with their spouses, they think cheating is appropriate... Of course, they don't get boundaries and that you don't back someone into a corner to apologize. He should have written you a letter or something. You handled it very well. I would have told the OW to get away from me.