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I'm surprised at the responses to what appears to be a man who is seeking to become a better man, to overcome his addictions and apologize for things he's done.

You know, the kind us betrayed spouses are often hoping our wandering spouses would change into. The guy could've pretended he didn't recognize Fenderguy and just snuck out. Instead, he stuck out his hand and offered an apology.

I don't get it, I really don't. I know I'm happy to hear that he's working on sobriety and trying to put his family back together.

^^^^^^^^^^ Second what josiep said. ^^^^^^^^^^^

My nightmare and fantasy all rolled into one. I think you handled it very well. You most definitely should tell your wife.

I am a similar time frame out from DDay and am still waiting for this moment. I have no idea how we have not crossed paths in two and a half years. She's geographically very close and we have similar circles. (Admittedly I did a lot to avoid this happening in the first year or so, as did she). Now I feel I am just waiting for the inevitable and dont feel safe as a result.

I think I'd be ok with that apology. I wish I had similar to be honest. I'd love to just get it over with.

Thanks for sharing. I can understand why it's unsettled you a little. It's a weird thing.

Second what Josiep said.

[This message edited by fareast at 6:25 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

My WH is an alcoholic who had an affair and the rehab really felt the affair and his declining mental state and he spiraled led to the affair.

I hope he somehow finds a way to make amends to OBS someday. I would like an apology from MCOW. They’re very rich too so a fat check for all my therapy would be nice too.

you're asking a BS to shake (actually touch) the hand of a guy who had his dick in the BS's wife. Really?

I'd have held my hand out as a stop sign and said don't you dare take one step further and get outta my eyesight. That's only if I had the wherewithal to not punch her.

Jesus.

[This message edited by sewardak at 6:50 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Had the other 2 guys not been with me, I may not have been so friendly to him, shaken his hand, etc. I'm a peacekeeper by nature, and the last thing I would ever do is cause any kind of scene in a restaurant. If I had been alone, I might have just thrown a $20 on the table, gotten up and walked out. Whatever, I am pleased with how I handled it. I don't like the dude, but hopefully he can make things right with his family.

And I told my wife about an hour ago. I told her that I didn't want to get into a "whole thing", but I told her a detailed description of the entire interaction. The color drained from her face. She was speechless for a minute or so. First thing she asked was if I am okay, and I said that I was fine, but some of my anger and sadness has resurfaced as a result. She had no idea about his drug use. He never talked about it or did anything in front of her. She suspects that he might be playing the "reformed addict card" to gain sympathy from people who know what he's done, and to try to get back into his ex wife's good graces. She then started crying, at first a little, then a lot. She said she struggles so hard with how she let herself fall into an affair with a person like that. And now she has to pile drug addict on top of all his other bad qualities that she didn't see? I can't help her with how this effects her self worth. I told her she should go back to her IC about this.

She did hug me and tell me how sorry she was that I had to see him, and that I was ever put in this position in the first place. I am content to drop the matter now.

You’re a good guy fender!

When I met OM1 and spoke with him awhile back he talked about his health issues, and made excuses about why he had to work so closely with my W back in the day. Hard to tell if he was truthful about his health issues.

It wasn't an apology more like avoiding my wrath, I suspect he thinks their agreed story was still what my W was saying to me.

Fenderguy, you really handled everything very well. Not sure I could've been that calm and cool.

She did hug me and tell me how sorry she was that I had to see him, and that I was ever put in this position in the first place.

This definitely sounds like you have a remorseful wife. She's going to be struggling with this guilt for a long time.

A reformed cheater .......how nice!!!!

It took guts to approach you and apologize.

You handled it with class. Kudos to you!!

You're asking a BS to shake (actually touch) the hand of a guy who had his dick in the BS's wife. Really?

I'd have held my hand out as a stop sign and said don't you dare take one step further and get outta my eyesight. That's only if I had the wherewithal to not punch her.

Jesus.

Sewardak

I didn't ask him to do anything. It was his choice how to respond to the apology. He saw the guy coming, he could have put his face down or gotten up to leave if he was horrified at the idea of shaking hands.

But what puzzles me here is your response considering he still (as you put it) puts his dick in the same place the AP did. I'd understand the reaction for people who aren't in R but this concept of loving one person from an affair, the person who promised to forsake all others, and hate the other affair partner, who owes you nothing, for the same behavior is not rational. In fact, I'd consider it irrational.

struggles so hard with how she let herself fall into an affair with a person like that. And now she has to pile drug addict on top of all his other bad qualities that she didn't see?

"With a person like that?" Meanwhile, the AP's wife might be sitting at home saying the same thing about your wife.

I think we create hurdles in our recoveries and healing when we villainize one person for doing something that we don't villainize another person for. It creates a conflict within us.

I'd also like to point out that part of the reason addicts can't get help in this country is because so many of us villainize them. Every single time I meet or encounter an addict, I'm just grateful that but for the grace of God, there go I. I'll never forget the sign on the wall, in very large letters, framed and lovely and you couldn't miss it, of the rehab facility as I was leaving after dropping my (then) DH off for 30 days of inpatient alcohol rehab. It said:

"He didn't become an alcoholic by drinking too much; He drinks too much because he's an alcoholic."

josiep - we'll have to disagree. i think human beings owe each other no matter if they have a tie to us or not. i think it's perfectly acceptable to hate the AP and rebuild a marriage with the WS. many people here to this. i don't think any of us actively hate, but when presented with the AP in our face, we would and do.

"I think we create hurdles in our recoveries and healing when we villainize one person for doing something that we don't villainize another person for. It creates a conflict within us."

no conflict in my head. makes perfect sense to me.

[This message edited by sewardak at 8:40 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

I respectfully accept josiep's opinion, maybe it's the difference between men and women's attitude on adultery, she may be a better person then I am, but I lean toward sewardak's side.

I see a difference between addiction and cheating.

The AP can offer whatever he wants in order to rid himself of guilt and shame, or whatever 12 step program he's subscribed to. Good for him.

He had an active part in ruining my life and future.

I am under no obligation to accept it or forgive, nor do I care to.

You can't unring a bell.

Josie -

I don't know how I would feel as a BS. I can tell you as a WS -

I understand that I carry every bit as much of the responsibility for the A as AP- I am as culpable for my actions as AP. But. when it comes to my H I am even more culpable. I made vows to him, AP didn't even know him. So, I think of it as AP and I= we are equally responsible for the A - but we are both 100 % responsible to our spouses.

However, who would I feel bad for in the situation - My H who did nothing to deserve the Affair having to go through that at lunch, or the AP? My H! If I went and saw AP's wife in a diner, and she didn't seem to want me to approach - I would leave her alone! Especially if she was with people who probably don't know who I am. I would have walked out of that diner the minute I saw her. If you want to sincerely apologize to the OBS - then set up a time, don't ambush them in a restaurant at lunch with their co-workers. Let them mentally prepare and consent to it.

So, I think it would be natural for the posters here to lean in to Fenderguy and congratulate him on his grace. If that happened to my husband I would probably feel angry at AP for not giving him some room.

Though, I do agree with the over-arching thought of - don't villainize one over the other unless there is good reason (in some cases the AP has stalked them, has made other transgressions that make them appear unpredictable/scary). My H has concentrated on putting it on my shoulders the same as Fenderguy describes he has done as well. I do think that when that's not done the right way it creates a conflict.

I just don't think this is a good example of that. It was a douche move to basically see Fenderguy, think "oh I should do this now because it's convenient for me since we are here" Someone really reformed would have possibly contacted him after and say "I know you saw me at the diner, I left I didn't want to make a scene, but I would like to apologize to you..." Did it take balls to do approach? Yes. Did it still lack sensitivity to the situation? Yes.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:43 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

this concept of loving one person from an affair, the person who promised to forsake all others, and hate the other affair partner, who owes you nothing, for the same behavior is not rational. In fact, I'd consider it irrational.

Maybe this is a guy thing, but here is what you're not understanding. There are a lot of men that follow the Bro-code, which basically means, Don't fuck with another man's wife. It is understood that if you do, you run the risk of getting your ass kicked. In other words, if you mess with my wife, I'm going to mess with you. Maybe this is just a remnant of a bygone day, but there are still a lot of men that go by the Bro-code.

I'm not as confident as you that the OM in this case had good intentions. In fact, it was pretty brazen of that asshole to come over and shake hands. That's why so many of us are impressed with Fenderguy's calm reaction. It takes a strong man to show the kind of restraint he did.

Fender, you sir are a good man. You handled that interaction like a boss. Well done.

The AP acted like a chicken shit IMO. To approach fender in a group situation is a cowardly act. He could have asked fender to step away from the table for a quick conversation, but he chose the safe route where he had little risk of being told to fuck off (or worse). The AP got to say his piece with little risk and he put fender in an awkward situation with his coworkers. The AP knew this. The AP isn’t some good dude working the 12 steps, he’s a coward that got some shit off of his chest at fender’s expense.

"The AP isn’t some good dude working the 12 steps, he’s a coward that got some shit off of his chest at fender’s expense."

yep.

Just an observation......most of the time on SI we state how the AP cannot be trusted...dont contact them...everything they say is a lie...they cause more confusion and pain...

Why are you assuming its the truth? Maybe he had a great big lie made up in case he ran into you...Maybe none of the drug story is true...just sayin..

Im married to a serial cheater...an alcoholic...NPD...nothing he says is the truth...addicts tend to not tell the truth...cheaters tend to not tell the truth...

Still kudos for you....I dont trust a cheater or an addict cheater... declining state or not..these are all bad choices, one bleeding into another, causing havoc. If anyone is an addict, I hope they stop.....but until then, they are a wreck...creating trouble and pain....I wouldn't let him off that easy. I dont think I could believe anything he says.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:36 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]