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Well, it had to happen eventually! I was sitting in a small restaurant having lunch with a couple co-workers, and in he walks! It's a small place, and I was seated next to the door, facing the door, so it was impossible to avoid each other. I didn't want to make a scene in front of my 2 friends, but they could sense an instant change in my demeanor.

I tried to just avoid eye contact. I wasn't really triggered by his presence, just wanted to avoid him the same way you'd try to avoid anybody that you don't like. Eventually I saw him notice me, and then even worse, he starts walking right towards me! FUCK! So he approaches me and shakes my hand, and says that he wants to apologize for "everything that went down" (like my wife on his dick), and that he's been sober for 2 years, and that he's working towards getting his family back (they divorced shortly after Dday, which was in November 2016). Apparently he was an alcoholic and a coke head. I just said "I appreciate that, good luck with your family." If my 2 friends hadn't been sitting at the table with me, I may have just been told him to fuck off, or at best, "Alright...". My friend asked what that was about, and I just lied and said that he stole some tools out of my garage a few years ago for drug money. They seemed satisfied with that answer.

Haven't told WW I saw him yet. While I didn't really feel triggered too much from speaking to him, the anger towards my wife has been renewed. She felt this drug addict was worth losing her family over? I know myself, and I'm not going to be able to hold this in. I don't want it to lead to a long ass conversation, which then leads to big arguments. Fighting won't do any good, we've already covered the A a million times, there's nothing new to really say. I am just feeling triggered and pissed off!

Wow! Just... Wow!

I don't know if that made you feel better or what, but you truly handled that like a boss!

I hope that if I am ever faced with the same situation, I would be able to handle that situation as well as you did.

You did very well. Seriously, you should be proud! It may have turned out differently if you didn't have people around you, but you cannot really choose where things happen, just how you react.

Congrats for having the strength do not break your hand on his face, and even better, to show a level of class that I'm sure surprised even him.

Wow ! Thats is a lot of lunchtime upset. It's good that you could think that quickly to avoid having to explain to your friends why he was really apologizing.

You handled it very well, so bravo to you.

It's a shame that we have to face these moments but I guess for some, they are inevitable.

That will never be a scenario in my life since WH AP lives in anther country. I am relatively certain that she will never return to the US

Do you plan to tell your wife about this encounter ?

I don't know your wife, but I would want to know. I would be very sorry you had to deal with that. I think once you calm down a little bring it up to her. You may have already covered all the affair ground, but the ongoing dialogue about the fall out can be important. I know we are not as far out as you guys, and we don't really go over the A or the details anymore, but we do discuss fallout and carnage still rather frequently. Getting to where it's normal enough that it's not always fight, but more of a discussion, can really strengthen communication, at least from what I can tell from my end. You should not have to deal with these things alone.

I agree, you handled it like a boss. To be able to come up with the tools story. What a douche for trying to do that in front of people.

Did she know he was a drunk and on drugs? I assume so by your post.

Fender, all I can say is that you handled that a LOT better than I would ever have.

I'd be in jail this morning.

I've been there. The OM came to our house to apologize. I opened the door, saw him, and simply closed the door. That was the last I saw him. My wife was there and I saw her go from smiling and curious as to who was at the door to anger at the site of him.

She ought to know. Part of the shit sandwich she served you is that she created the opportunity for you to live that life's moment, and then inhale the stench of its aftermath, including the need to create a little white lie for your friends who were present. You can thank her for that opportunity. Such a supportive spouse.

You did handle your anger and unknown very well...

I would have frozen...Im the type that thinks of what I should have done, way later...

It was kind of cowardly, the way he had you cornered...unexpectedly.....with coworkers...and took advantage of it...He knew you would have to remain in control...or likely to...

OW was very manipulative to me...and mean..she took full advantage of crowds and coworkers to do some of her most damage to me...smiling while she did it...She knew I wouldn't make a scene...My WH was VP of the company....

It was unplanned...If he were a gentleman, and we know he is not...he would have made time for you in a more private situation, and apologized like a man...with remorse..

You did great....HE on the other hand showed his weakness and cowardliness and continues to take the easy way …. I wouldn't have touched that hand. Germs kudos to you...and you have every right to talk to your WW about it...the effects are long lasting...she should know.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:33 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Congratulations on handling that extremely well. Doesn’t it suck though, that we become liars sometimes because of our WS’ inability to keep their clothes on with someone else? I hated lying to my kids, my mother, our friends. You were terrific. Your wife should be at your feet.

You handled that WAY better than I would have. Kudos. As for telling her, try to keep your wits about you. Don't make yourself any more upset than you already are/have been.

Fenderguy - IMHO you should let her know

Eventually I saw him notice me, and then even worse, he starts walking right towards me! FUCK! So he approaches me and shakes my hand, and says that he wants to apologize for "everything that went down"

What would have happened if or when something like this happens when you and your WW were/are together? Letting her know may prepare you both should it happen if it is the both of you at lunch, dinner or the store.

Thanks for the kind replies!

I am glad my buddies were with me, it really helped me keep my cool. I have never actually given OM much thought, placing the blame squarely on my W. But to actually see him, and speak with him, was almost an out of body experience! He seemed very sincere, like he had been involved in a program or something and learned how to talk the talk. He doesn’t live around here anymore as far as I know, moved to a town about half an hour away. But his parents still live in town.

I have actually never heard that he was an addict. Not sure if WW knew that or not. He voluntarily told me it was alcohol and cocaine. I’ll tell her about it tonight, but I don’t really want to have a long conversation about it. I have had time to calm down, and I plan to just tell her what happened, ask a couple questions, and drop the matter. I am not rugsweeping, I just am sick of fighting about the A.

As far as the tool story. I actually had a drug addict cousin steal some tools from me a few years ago, so it wasn’t too hard to think of that story and switch the names on the spot. Little white lie, but they’ll never know the difference. This guy was a serial cheater, and the fact that he’s an addict just helps the story make a little more sense.

Did the apology make me feel any better? Maybe a little. I’m sure it felt good for him to get it off his chest, and that I didn’t overreact. But like I said, I never really wasted much time worrying about him. The fact that he also had other affairs, in some way, made him seem like less of a direct threat to me. He was just trying to get as much pussy as he could, regardless of who they were.

I’ll update after I speak to my wife. Thanks!

That's one of the few times I have heard a BH state things about the AP the way my husband viewed it. I mean, I am sure he wouldn't piss on the guy if he was on fire, but it's never been his focus. Nothing really to add, but sometimes I don't see my husband's perspective here much and it helps validate it for me further.

Just be calm. State what happened and let her talk. Think of it as opportunity to get into her head a little more.

Let her talk. Just state what happened and then listen. Give her a chance to address it before asking any questions.

FenderGuy, this ^^^^^^^^^^

And I'll chime in to how smooth you handled the confrontation. Make it so at home, too.

Question, if you're willing to share. You say that you're tired of arguing about the A. How does discussion of the A evolve into an argument with the WW? Just trying to compare notes here...

NotTheMan- Usually the arguments stem from my wife’s lack of empathy for my pain. She tends to view her A as something stupid and awful that she did. She has done work on herself, and beats herself up about it all the time. BUT, she doesn’t really seem to view it as something that she did to me. She is grateful that I am sticking with her, and working on our M. She gets a little bit annoying about me digging up the past.

Part of that comes from my initial reaction after DDAY. Perhaps as a method of self-soothing and preservation, I took the attitude of “well, this is your problem, not mine. Sucks to be you!” I think that attitude was necessary for me at the time, and was part of my major 180 transformation. But it really served to negate my pain and suffering.

We really don’t argue about the A much anymore, and it does feel like we’ve moved on from that, to a certain degree. I have really heard all I need/care to hear, and have made up my mind that although we’ll never get back that “in love” feeling, things are good enough that I’d rather not leave and be torn away from my kids and suffer financially. She’s a good Mom, good at her job, an overall kind person, and pretty good looking too! But, the damage has been done to some degree.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 2:10 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Usually the arguments stem from my wife’s lack of empathy for my pain. She tends to view her A as something stupid and awful that she did. She has done work on herself, and beats herself up about it all the time. BUT, she doesn’t really seem to view it as something that she did to me.

Dude, this is why I asked, and thanks for sharing. Like I said, comparing notes, and this is what I'm dealing with. It's why I no longer see her as my mate, but more of just a family partner. And that's a pretty charitable characterization. It's also why I don't really even bother peeling back the onion any further. I've pretty much gone perpetually soft 180.

Usually the arguments stem from my wife’s lack of empathy for my pain. She tends to view her A as something stupid and awful that she did. ...BUT, she doesn’t really seem to view it as something that she did to me. She is grateful that I am sticking with her, and working on our M. She gets a little bit annoying about me digging up the past.

Oh dude! My situation exactly! I've tried very hard not to be an ass, not to beat her up about the multiple affairs over our marriage, more shit than any husband should ever have to put up with.

After many, many years, I was the one to talk her into getting some online IC lately. ( like that was my job..)

She was cooking and said she needed an apron. Great, I got online and found a cute flirty one, showed her, she rolls her eyes and says "I was discussing this with my counselor, when you buy me something, it's all about you."

WTF?

She was cooking and said she needed an apron. Great, I got online and found a cute flirty one, showed her, she rolls her eyes and says "I was discussing this with my counselor, when you buy me something, it's all about you."

What...the...fuck?

Congrats Fenderguy on your composure and handling an incredibly awkward situation really well.

I hope it gives you some closure.

If I saw OW and she was coming towards me it definitely wouldn’t go so smoothly — it would be more like punch, punch, punch.