SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Diditagain85,

I know I posted above, but wanted to add something else -- the majority (if not all) of the poster have told you to run. It can be kind of daunting to receive some of this advice at first, especially if you're not ready for it.

Please keep in mind that everyone here has experienced similar things to you, and they're offering you the gift of hindsight, which is 20/20.

None of this is easy. Most people can't turn their love off like a lightswitch. It's okay to love someone, but still understand that you deserve honesty and not having your health put in jeopardy or risking having to raise another man's child that your WF might try to pass off as your own.

If you're not already, please consider going to counseling. This is a lot to deal with and many people deal with depression and PTSD symptoms.

Also, meet with a lawyer if you guys share any property or have finances intermingled.

This absolutely sucks, but the only, ONLY, person who you can control in this situation is yourself. You can't make her be honest. You can't make her be transparent. You can't prevent her from cheating, if she wants to. Where there is a will, there's a way.

And no matter how nice you are or how much of a good fiancé, you can't make her want to fix your relationship and become an open, honest, authentic, monogamous person. Only ahe can decide to do that.

Also, get checked for STDs. Don't have sex with her again, and get checked again in a few months. Some STDs take time to show up, your doctor can explain more, but make sure you tell the situation so they understand.

It might not feel like it right now, but one day you will be okay. It just takes time.

I want to thank you all for your very honest answers. I returned home on Sunday having confronted her by text having found everything I needed to prove something had happened.

I now dawns on me that the day she had her friend round marked the one year anniversary of when I proposed. This is how she chose to celebrate us making that commitment together.

I was trying to seek a way we could reconcile our relationship again, although she really doesn't deserve yet another chance. Yet she has offered me nothing in the way of me getting to trust her. Some people I've read willingly offer up passwords and phone pin codes as a means to do this.

I do not want to maintain a relationship where she feels checked up upon or one where I feel the need to check up on her. However the lack of these being offered willingly makes me feel a little off.

Both times I have caught her evidence has been deleted before I have a chance to really review it. I see this now as self preservation from her part.

On Sunday when I was returning back to my home. I was thinking about going and staying elsewhere in order to separate myself from her. Show her that losing me is a very real possibility. The thing is if I go and stay with family, I would have had to tell them something was wrong. Which I wasn't willing to do. So I returned home and shared the bed with her. I am now however typing this from the sofa attempting to fall asleep again, all of these thoughts running through my head.

For those saying to delay the wedding, what do I tell my friends and family about the nature of the delay? There are so many practical elements for either leaving her or delaying the wedding allowing us to reconcile that I cannot fathom right now.

Diditagain85

Please don't worry about what to tell friends and family. That's not what you should be worrying about, and I'm sure you'll figure that out.

As for wayward's offering up passwords and pins, that's just the triage, like a band-aid. Those that understand the hurt they caused will try to make it such that you don't have to check up on them. They'll proactively let you know where they are, who they're with, why their schedule changed, etc.

More than likely, even if she does everything right, it would take you several years to even start trusting her again. She cheated during the easiest part of your relationship. Imagine all the excuses she can dream up with more stress in your lives.

Don't delay the marriage. Call it off. Walk away.

For those saying to delay the wedding, what do I tell my friends and family about the nature of the delay? There are so many practical elements for either leaving her or delaying the wedding allowing us to reconcile that I cannot fathom right now.

How far away is the wedding?

I know of two instances where weddings have been cancelled. The first one, the groom-to-be called to cancel the venue, the venue called the bride-to-be, the bride-to-be's family called and said just that. Everyone in the family just said, good for her that she found this out now, rather than after they were married.

She is now happily married to someone else and has kids.

The second one happened more recently -- the bride-to-be's mom just texted and said that they had some issues to work through and decided to take some time without the pressure of a wedding looming. They had a destination wedding planned for April! Again, the response has basically been, good for them for being mature enough to realize that now.

In that case, the BTB found out the GTB (who had been clean and sober for a decade) had lied about a couple of thousand dollars with no good explanation for where it went.

They're still together. They maintain that the wedding is only postponed, not cancelled. But again, no one is judging her for saying, "whooooa, I/we need to figure this out because cancelling a wedding is much easier than getting divorced and fighting over custody in five years if (when?) he (maybe??) relapses again."

Do you really want to be legally and financially tied to an active, unremorseful serial cheater, just because you were worried what everyone else would think?

What consequences has she faced for her choices to cheat that would make her pause before doing is a third time?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:21 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Do not concern yourself with what others think.The situation says nothing about you as a person, it does about her and honestly with what she has done to you worrying about how she may look should be the very last thing you ever concern yourself about.

Realize if you stay she most likely will continue as before just moving it further underground.

Kill the wedding, move on and find someone who'll treat you the way we all wish to be treated in a relationship.

I'm trying not to make any decisions either way at the moment. I am just trying to get my emotions in check. I thank you all for your insights. As for what consequences she has suffered, I guess none in real terms.

For those saying to delay the wedding, what do I tell my friends and family about the nature of the delay? There are so many practical elements for either leaving her or delaying the wedding allowing us to reconcile that I cannot fathom right now.

Dude, if this is a major concern of yours right now, you are screwed.

You are prioritizing this 'loss of face' over a lifetime of pain and suffering?

Sit down, do a few breathing exercises. Meditate if you can. You need to control that turbulence in your mind, as it is making you take into account rather inconsequential things, and making the decision process harder.

Your overall goal is to get yourself out of this sh*tty situation.

You know you are with a serial cheater, and you know that you are eroding your position in her eyes by being indecisive and needy.

The path you are on now *spoiler alert* ends over a cliff. You will be damaged even more on this pathway.

You could split now, go date around for a few years, and then try again. Who knows, she might have changed (unlikely), or you might find someone better for you?

Are you that insecure in yourself that you would rather subject yourself to a lifetime of torture than to be brave and go for new frontiers?

Please for the love of god and yourself don’t marry her.

Don’t marry her!

Don’t marry her!

I begged my ex brother in law not to marry his second ex wife. Caught her cheating before the marriage and he still married her. She ran off with another guy and he is raising their son alone now.

His first wife was sleeping with 3 guys in the neighborhood. One of them got jealous and told him because he got mad at her.

There is something very wrong with her. She will crush your spirit and life if you marry her. My god please run. I honestly cannot feel sorry for you if you don’t dump her. You know what she is and you better believe her.

As my dad would say “God helps those who help themselves.”

Please run.

ibonnie - I concur with your statement that

life was too short

It is too short to be in a one-way relationship. Not only, IMHO, is she wrong for you because she cheated or is cheating but you are wrong for her for the same reason. People make plans that don't come to fruition. This is all you have done. Leave, meet someone new and make new plans. You will have a lot less to explain now should you end the relationship then you will after you're married and divorce because she continues to cheat.

"what do I tell my friends and family about the nature of the delay?

the truth.

1) don't marry her

2) get into IC to figure out why you are even considering staying together.

It is too short to be in a one-way relationship

I actually like to think of life not being too short. It is exactly as long as it needs to be. We choose to waste it and not make the most of it. That is our fault. It is not that life is too short.

Don't marry this woman. Cancel the wedding now. She invited a man over to YOUR house! Marrying her is the kind of decision that makes life seem too short.

You are making the classic co-dependent's mistake. You are seeing your relationship and your partner as what you want them to be, instead of what they are.

You've already given her the gift of forgiveness once, and she cheated again. On the anniversary of your proposal no less. That is not the action of someone who values you or the relationship.

As far as the "logistics" of cancelling the wedding (delay should not even be a consideration at this point) they pale in comparison to the logistics of divorce.

And you're worried about what to tell people? Simple. "She cheated on me, twice, and I don't want to be married to someone who cheats on me." There, fixed that for you. You don't have to be mean about it, just factual. Anyone who blames you or suggests you should have gotten married anyway is either not your friend or a fool.

Some cases are a little bit hard to determine whether the relationship should end, or whether the couple should try and work things out. This one is not. She's cheated on you twice already and you're not even married yet. RUN.

She's cheated on you twice already

that you know of. She is on dating sites and you can't see her phone. Do you really think you've been lucky enough to catch her the two times she's done this? More likely it has been many more. Ask yourself this please. Why will it be any different when you are married?

There are so many practical elements for either leaving her or delaying the wedding allowing us to reconcile that I cannot fathom right now.

Just don't think in terms of the sunk cost fallacy. You may have several years into that relationship and see value in that but it is very clear that your fiance does not, otherwise she wouldn't go around trying to sabotage it by meeting other men.

Your time from this moment forward would be better invested in a new beginning, free from a soul sucking experience of infidelity.

You sound like a very nice and caring person.

Here is the advice my mom gave me which stopped me from marrying a guy who drank too much and was verbally abusive.

Please do not think getting married changes a person’s behavior. If anything things get worse because now you have to live with it.

Her point was if I didn’t like his drinking or playing sports 24/7 or the way he spoke to me, it was NOT changing one bit after marriage

Hint for a successful marriage: you like and love pretty much everything about the person. You don’t try to change them.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:12 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Your fiancée does not appear to be a monogamous person. Some people are not, but for some reason they get married anyways because they think they are supposed to or because they are expected to.

I think your fiancée is one of those people. It doesn't mean she is inherently evil or depraved. She's just promiscuous and polyamorous. I've known people like this, and they prefer to live a life where they have sex with lots of people rather than settling down to one person. There isn't anything wrong with it per se, but they often end up marrying monogamous partners and that is where the problems start.

I think your fiencee and you need to sit down and have an honest heart to heart about what the two of you want out of life. You need to make it clear to her that you want a monogamous marriage, and that you are not willing to share her with other sexual partners. If she cannot do that, or if she is lying to you about what her needs and desires are, then the two of you are not going to be compatible.

My take is that she has already cheated on you, via full-on sex, several times. For that alone you should break it off with her.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 11:30 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I know it's hard but you absolutely should not marry this woman. If you do, it's 100 percent certain she will cheat on you after you're married, only then you'll be much further down the road, with kids, shared finances, etc.

I married a serial cheater. There was an incident when we were engaged and I swept it under the rug like you're tempted to do now. 18 years into the marriage I found out she had been cheating on me with multiple men for the last 10 or so years.

Your finance is badly broken. I hope you'll move on and find a woman who deserves you. Don't be me.

Diditagain, I was once faced with the question of cancelling my wedding. At the time it was for a far less glaring reason than you have. It was a hunch. It was his growing lack of interest in me affectionately. We were good Christians saving ourselves for marriage, but I had this nagging feeling something was amiss.

Faced with the pressure of the upcoming wedding and the 250 guests that would be disappointed, I didn't act on my concerns, and went through with it. After two years of misery on both our parts, we divorced, which was even worse in the eyes of the church. I took all the blame, because I knew if I told everyone he was actually gay, he would have been kicked out of the church and his family. I only lost my church.

I wish to God I could go back to that moment, walking down the sidewalk to take the bus to work, when the clear thought hit me that I should cancel the wedding. I wish I had listened to myself. It would have saved both him and I a world of hurt. Yes, there would have been questions. And I didn't yet know he was gay, I thought he was virtuos, not uninterested. But the true answer to the question would have been we weren't right for each other, and better to face that now.

I don't understand why breaking off the marriage and kicking her to the curb is a complicated decision.

It's really plain as day.

You are in for a life of hurt staying with a serial cheat who has now gotten bold enough to bring guys into your house.

You need to defend yourself. We can't do it for you

For those saying to delay the wedding, what do I tell my friends and family about the nature of the delay?

First, I'm sorry you are here.

As to this, as kind of advice as it is, it's plain silly:

Please don't worry about what to tell friends and family.

You will worry about this and it's natural - but it can and should be done now. I'm NOT saying for you to run off and not try to fix things, but don't get married now - any money you think you are saving or face/reputation you want to protect isn't worth it. As someone who called off a wedding a few months prior to it happening (after over 200 invitations had been sent out and about 40 guests were flying in from overseas and tickets were booked etc) you tell them whatever version you can muster right now. You don't need to tell them about the infidelity right now (or ever) if you don't want to. You can tell them something to the effect of "It has become clear that going forward with this marriage is a mistake/not a good idea/not possible (right now or ever - whatever you want to say) and I (we - however you want to frame it) have decided not to go forward with it." and leave it at that. Apologize for people having made plans and let them know you appreciate their support right now and going forward. Thing is, no one can make you talk about it if you aren't ready. You can't be forced (granted if your family is paying they may want more of an explanation than you want to give - we, actually I as I was the one who waited so long to voice my doubts, reimbursed those who didn't come and who cancelled their flights - luckily for me most of them came anyway and did the vacation they had planned along with their plans to attend the wedding anyway).

My marriage did not go forward because of infidelity - it was simply because I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell people that as I knew my fiancee was hurting badly at that time, so with his feelings in mind and after we talked, we decided our answer would be to simply said "we" decided that it was not a good time for us to get married and that we wanted people to respect our privacy. That being said there were some people who pried - they got nothing more than what we decided to tell them until years later. I felt like it was our decision and our private matter and I stuck to that. It will not be comfortable and it will not be fun BUT it is the right decision for right now for your for sure (and I don't say that often on here). If you work things out you can always get married later and some people will shake their heads and not understand and others will but this is where I agree with the advice to not worry about the other people right now - worry about you!

If you are NOT mentioning infidelity to protect YOURSELF because you aren't in a place you are strong enough yet to do it - then don't. I will tell you to evaluate your reasons for not telling - if they are to protect her, screw it and say whatever you need. Consequences are, as they say, a bitch.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:48 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]