SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Friend…

I have a feeling you aren’t really in a good place…

<< Since then we've agreed to seperate and she's filed for divorce which I have agreed to>>

Has she filed? Has she entered the papers at court? Have you been served? Does she have an attorney?

What have you agreed to? A divorce or the terms of a divorce?

What do you mean by you won’t “defend” the divorce? This isn’t a criminal case – you don’t “defend”. You two strive to reach a divorce agreement and if you can’t a judge will do so for you. Even if you don’t accept the summons, sign the papers or contest her suggestion for a division of debt and assets there is NO WAY you can refuse a divorce. If she has filed and done so officially then you will end up divorced.

How do you know her present demands are semi-reasonable? Gotten legal advice on that? If she has filed and she wants a divorce and has already outlined a reasonable settlement, then how would pressing a conclusion make her want more? By your own words the renovations (that IMHO are only an excuse…) will be over by next summer so the pressure is only to speed things up by 2 months or so.

The 180 is a great tool but it’s not the penicillin for all marital issues. The 180 is not for revenge, it’s not to send a message, it’s not to save a relationship. It’s to help you DETACH. Since she wants a divorce and has filed then that detachment is inevitable and the ONLY gain from the 180 is to help YOU recover.

Please – I have been here for a long time. I have seen posters boast that they have “saved” their marriages by detaching from their spouse that they still live with. I have also seen posters that talk divorce but find ways to cohabit without resolving any issues. Both are IMHO emotional death.

If you have any wish to even have a slither of hope of saving this marriage, then it’s done the same way as your best hope of saving YOURSELF. It’s by forcing the issue. Forcing the divorce, she wants. I wouldn’t be surprised that for her it’s happy-times. By demanding a divorce and an in-house separation she can carry on with her friends and lovers and yet have all the support and stability the present lifestyle offers.

Force the issue – use gentle persuasion: “You wanted a divorce. You filed. We finish this and you are free to do what you want.”

For the kids sake, you have to try to save the marriage.

No. No. No.

Talk to her. Remind her of the children. Does she really want shared custody, swapping on weekends, new men in their lives, stepfather?

What she "wants" is hardly the point. She's already doing what she wants, with disaterous results.

Wolf

I would communicate the fact that there is nothing to be gained by throwing rocks at one another. You two need to concentrate your efforts on the children. For them, the only thing worse than being from a broken home, is being in a broken home. You need to get busy with your life and don't worry about her life.

It is unfortunate that you have to still cohabitate as she will feel her singleness more and more. There will continue to be guys that will hit on her, so quit snooping, there is nothing gained. As for the household chores. Establish who does what and don't worry if she doesn't do hers, you just do you.

Spend as much time with the kids doing fun things and let her do her thing, this will help them transition to the split that will happen eventually. Since she is going out, you need to have some time just for you. You can have a drink with friends or just go to the gym, park, museum, just to get a breather from the drama.

So we went away for a long weekend to visit family. We hired a 1 bed apartment with a sofa bed which we found wasn’t really suitable for adults so we ended up sharing a bed. Well, Sunday night one thing let to another and...

Last night I walked into the marital bedroom and she had some sexy lingerie on. She said I’d spoilt the surprise as she was coming to see me in it. I gave her a lukewarm response as my first reaction was she was wearing it to send pictures to him. We cuddled in bed and eventually I went across to my room (she said she wanted to do stuff but that it wasn’t right- messing with both our heads). Bang goes the 180!

All this has left me well, quite frankly who knows where. I do still love her and although I’ve told her I wouldn’t want to try again, I would. I don’t want to damage any chance of a R by being aloof as per the 180 but equally I won’t go back to chasing her like a lapdog. I’d rather just lay all our cards on the table but I know she won’t be honest about the guy she’s messaging. I saw a message to her friend (who she tells everything) saying He is filthy and it is just good fun. My gut feeling is she wants to have sex with him but it is just sex she wants.

Any advice please? I don’t know how to play this and I’m 2nd guessing everything.

Hi NHT,

I can fully understand the dilemma you are facing and we can all remember the turmoil and the huge swinging emotions of the phase you are in. So cut yourself some slack for faltering but steel yourself to be more resolved from here on in.

You have to try and be clear-headed and you need to decide on a path, quickly. The thing you also need to remember is that no decision is irreversible and things take time, but you need to get out of infidelity, because right now you have been dragged into the middle of at least an EA/sexting while still in a relationship of sorts.

Firstly, if she has genuinely checked out of the M then that's her right, unfortunately. SI is ultimately about getting people out of infidelity, not saving marriages.

If you want one last shot to try and save the M then I would sit her down and tell her how you feel and why you don't think D is the right decision. That way you have given it your best. But you have to be ready for her to reject this (which is her right) or, if she wants to try and R then you have to be really strong because the A behaviour has to end instantly and you have to follow through.

Right now the scenario is completely wrong for R. She's cake eating. She is in the FOG. She won't listen to what you say because she's not in that place. So it's all about what you do. Do not try and nice her back, you have to show her that you are strong enough to walk away.

If, on the other hand, you have had enough, or she is set on D, then you need to get on and proceed.

So you do need to see an attorney. You need to do the 180. If either of the OM are in relationships or married then inform their BS, with evidence, and blow her unicorn fantasy out of the water. The BS deserve to know anyway. If they are single guys then there's not much you can do on that front.

The next steps in D or R look pretty much the same and you can switch paths along the way if things materially change. There's plenty of time for that. But right now you need to get out of your current situation and focus on yourself and what you need. After all, that's what she's doing.

I have not had a chance to read this entire thread. I apologize if my comments are slightly out of sync.

I think you need to sit down and have a hard conversation about what is and agree to appropriate behaviour with your wife. While you are living in the same house you both must demonstrate positive and Appropriate behavior for your kids.her behaviour is concerning. Kids are sponges and they sense more than we expect. Ask her to wait until she’s under her own roof before she starts seeing other men. This is simply common decency.

When my parents divorced I walked in on my mother kissing my cousin’s best friend on the couch. He was 20 she was 41. I have never forgotten how much that hurt and I was in 20. Divorce happens, it is the parents job to make the kids journey through their divorce as easy as possible. I know you know this But I wonder if your wife is Focussed on this.

I’m sorry you are going through this . I find the description of your wife’s behaviour disgusting and if there’s any way to live separately sooner ....

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:54 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Chelsea9- Thankyou for mentioning the fog- it’s a term I haven’t come across but it is exactly how she is. She is clearly enjoying the thrill of the sexting- I don’t believe she thinks this guy is “the one” but talking dirty with him is obviously giving her something. She’s said time and again how my traits have driven her to have feelings for others. I’ve even said to her and others, I dont recognise her as a person anymore- it’s like a mid life crisis, like she’s back to being 18 again. I’ll continue with the 180 and see how it goes.

Neverhaveathought (since you insist on full names…)

There is a reason I asked about the status of the divorce.

All we know right now is that she wants to divorce, and you have agreed and that you two have agreed to separate.

Your wife telling you she wants a divorce is ONLY your wife telling you she wants a divorce.

Your wife telling you she has filed is ONLY your wife telling you she has filed.

You telling her you accept her conditions is ONLY you telling her you accept her conditions.

That’s it.

So far it’s only words. We need you to confirm the ACTIONS. Actions like (a) has she talked to an attorney? (b) Has there been any legal action taken? (c) Have you been served, or have you signed any documentation?

This is all very relevant.

There is a WORLD of difference in what someone says or wants and what someone DOES.

Right now – if all she has done is tell you she wants a divorce and NO ACTIONS to see that through - all she has basically been saying is “I want to do what I want outside the marriage with a better conscience”.

All the separation means is that she can act more freely because you have accepted that she is free from the contract of marriage. All that is basically left is the formal termination.

The above scenario is SO COMMON. The “I want a divorce” threat and then no action. All it creates is a negative hiatus in the marriage. It’s like a child threatening to hold it’s breath if forced to finish the greens on its plate. This is why I stated that you were not in a good place.

I don’t think ANYONE can offer you any positive constructive advice until you clear this up.

Apologies Bigger.

She has filed for divorce. I have received the papers and replied saying I do not agree with her reasons but I do not intend to contest (ie I want the divorce to proceed).

She has seen a lawyer. We haven’t agreed on a split of the marital assets yet.

man, listen to Bigger. He's among the best on this board. I don't always see eye to eye with him but he is spot on in this thread and always purs the 'cheated on' first. He's giving you a great approach. For your sake, just listen to the man. I mean seriously, listen to him.

OK – that clarifies it a lot.

My take?

Well… Really think about what YOU want.

Remove revenge and getting even from the equation. The two main issues IMHO are:

(A)What do you want from a marriage?

(B)Do you want that with this woman?

Right now, whether she’s capable of (B) is not the issue. What do YOU want?

If you want to remain married to your wife, then I would be very frank and open about it:

“Wife. I’m confused. You filed and told me you want a divorce. Then this happens. What is it you want?”

If her answer is not clear that she wants the divorce:

“I want a marriage. I would want it to be with you, but I want a conventional marriage based on trust, fidelity and mutual respect. If you want the same, then we can work on it. But I refuse to share. I refuse to accept you being out all evenings. I refuse you being in contact with other men. I am willing to make changes, but if you aren’t willing to accept the normal and expected boundaries of a marriage then I prefer divorce.

I am willing to do a lot of work. Get MC and work hard at our relationship.

BUT…

I am also fully content on divorce if you do not want a marriage based on the same values I have.

We can be amicable. There are laws and regulations that ensure we are both fairly treated in divorce. I won’t lean over backwards to accommodate you, but I won’t be trying to cheat you in any way.

I don’t really see any gain for either of us to remain in a marriage we can’t reconcile. If you don’t want this marriage the only logical conclusion is that you want out. Let’s work together at ending this marriage or let’s work together at reconciling it.”

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:44 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

If you don’t want this marriage…

Well…

The same basically applies. Enjoy the sex but push the divorce.

If you do not have a lawyer yet, get one.

Open a separate bank account and start putting money in it. Not to hide the money but to make sure she does not clean you out one day and move out (I have seen that done.) A friend of mine got the same speech you got. He returned from work one day to find his wife moved out and his joint account empty.

You are now her Plan B. Someone to pay for her comfort at home while she makes plans for a wild weekend of sex with other man. Her putting the moves on you is just a way to keep you in line while she puts her plans into motion. Don't be fooled by this. You mean nothing to her other than a bank account. You start the 180 - she gets worried - she has sex with you - you are immediately confused and drop the 180 - back under her control. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

In most states you cannot kick her out. But that does not mean you have to play by her rules. Just be civil with her. If she asks why you are being mean, just tell her that she filed for divorce and you are just thinking about what you will do when it is final.

I agree with every last word and comma of what Bigger just said, it's exactly the scenario you face and absolutely the right approach.

If (and only if) your W is the one you want to be with, then it's worth laying it out on the line in a loving, honest but assertive way. Then, even if she is bent on divorce, you've given it your best shot and you can have no regrets.

Her response - and actions - set your path forwards and those on this forum can advise you on the best way of tackling those next steps.

He is filthy and it is just good fun. My gut feeling is she wants to have sex with him but it is just sex she wants

She bought the lingerie, and most likely new perfume and new underwear for fun times with her AP. Like others said, she can let you see her in it too, keep you playing nice until she gets what she wants out of the divorce. She’s also keeping you from outing their affair, blowing their little secret fantasy up and ruining their reputations. Her friend is enabling her and telling her how much she deserves some filthy, dirty, role-playing, fantasy-filled, hot sex. She’s loving all the attention from all three of you. When her husband is 20’ away and she’s texting, sexting in her new lingerie, that is a huge turn on for her. On top of that, girls (especially married ones) get tons of attention and dirty talk on Tinder. Men love destroying other men’s sand castles. If she’s 40+, read up on perimenopause symptoms.

Bet she gave up any “good girl”, married friends and family a long time ago when she started falling for the boys full of charm and charisma.

[This message edited by manofintegrity at 11:46 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

She has already filed the petition and it was served to you. Those were her actions and they were pretty loud and clear. Her wearing lingerie wasn't some last ditch attempt to see if there was something to be saved. I think you are right in that you walked in on her selfie session and she claimed to have wanted to "surprise" you as a cover. Think about it, you have the members above telling you how to genuinely engage your WW in conversation to see if she thinks the M is worth saving. They aren't telling you to put on silk boxers with pink hearts printed on it to surprise her and see if she will rethink the D. Your WW didn't follow you out to your room, sat at your the bedside with you then tell you "neverhavethought, I'm having second thoughts about this D. I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake." Instead, she's messaging her friend about how much fun it is to sext a filthy a-hole. She didn't put anymore thought beyond the close call with the lingerie incident with you. You know why? Because it gave her what she needed, ego kibbles.

I'm saying this not to convince you from having a conversation with her as above members suggested. By all means put it all on the table with her one last time. Just be mentally and emotionally prepared with her response.

Jduff made some excellent points there, all of which I agree with, and which now make me worry that my post sounded overly-optimistic.

To clarify, from what you have told us it sounds very much as if she has checked out, so you have to be prepared for that because that's what all her actions are indicating.

However, if you want to be with her then this is the moment to tell her. Honestly, it sounds as if it may be too late but it will give you the peace of mind that you gave it everything, which means no regrets.

But be braced for her response.

All good points and additions to my suggestion.

What it boils down to is to be direct, get direct answers and act directly in accordance to what YOU want and what you are OFFERED.

You don’t have to be here long to read numerous cases where a couple dealing with infidelity are sending each other vague and indirect messages. Like “I didn’t buy her a coffee this morning like I always do” is supposed to be a signal that a husband doesn’t approve of his wife dating another man. I prefer to be direct and leave less (if any) room for misunderstanding.

MAYBE your wife was preparing for digital-happytime with OM. Maybe not. You can spend hours trying various after-shaves trying to get to the bottom of that. Or… you can ask her…

IF you want this marriage and IF she wants it… well… let’s take it from there. It requires she meets some expected demands like dropping the poisonous crowd and all the men she’s contacting.

If she gives a vague or unclear answer… well… then you also know. It’s d-time. And YOU lead that journey rather than wait for her.

Wow thanks for all that advice- it really is appreciated!!!

What do I want? I really don’t know anymore. I do still love her. But in my heart of hearts, I know it feels fundamentally broken. My feelings I suspect are more clinging on to what I know than what is good and right for me.

But I don’t need to have the chat with her. Since she told me it was over, she has never given any indication of wanting to R. The sex at the weekend was probably just a reflection of spending a nice time together. I’ll never know the truth behind last night (unless I see a picture of her in the outfit sent to the scumbag) but even if it was for me, at best it would have been her satisfying her libido. Nothing more.

I’ll continue with the 180 for my own sanity, put the weekends events to the back of my mind and see a lawyer!

Confirmed. They were all for him