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I'm sorry. I got a further confession from fch the night before the poly. I still had him take it. He had TTed for so long that I wanted to make sure he had told me everything.

Still have her take the polygraph, Joe. The "parking lot" confessions often seem to give a little more info as a way to stop taking the poly because now you know everything. Well you might not now know everything. Probably don't. Still take the polygraph.

Joe,

The poly needs to have a purpose.

If you have decided to divorce, then the money is better spent on attorney-fees.

If you want to reconcile the poly can be used as a tool to convince YOU that you have one of the foundations reconciliations needs to be built on: THE TRUTH.

The strategy I would lay out is this (based on a wish to reconcile):

Make it clear to your wife that you want to reconcile and are willing to try it no matter what she tells you now. Basically, offer her an amnesty-period: Even if she shares that she did the local football team a year ago you are willing to commit to 30 days of reconciliation.

Make it clear that the ONLY WAY you two can reconcile is if you know the ENTIRE truth. NOW is the time to drain the pus out of the boil.

Make it clear that there is no trust. You need to believe and preferably verify what she tells you.

Make it clear that ANY truths discovered after this period of openness will be more damaging than whatever she shares now. After all – they will confirm that she (a) isn’t committed to R and (b) doesn’t trust you.

Tell her the most recent discovery after the poly-threat tells you (a) there might be more and (b) she still doesn’t trust you.

Then demand the truth. And tell her that once you think you have the answers she will give you then you demand she takes a poly.

That poly is HER tool. It’s HER chance of supporting her insistence that she has been truthful.

Once she passes a poly you will be in a better place for YOU to commit to reconciliation.

But… if she fails (and she needs to know this) YOU are determined that no matter how much you might want R then her attitude makes it impossible and unattainable.

About 18-24 months ago we had a poster who finally got his wife (who insisted it was only an EA despite overwhelming evidence) to take a poly. She failed miserably. On all the important questions. This was a woman who admitted to sharing a hotel-room with OM, buying lingerie and toys and sending sexual content… but insisted it was only EA. Last time that poster shared he was still trying to reconcile from a base of lies. He sounded miserable… Don’t be that guy.

Wanted to add this:

If she confesses to this affair and insists that it was only this single affair since marriage one poly-question might be:

“Since marrying Joe is it true that you have only had sexual relations [with the operator having clearly defined the meaning of that term] with joe and OM?”

And:

“Since mmddyy have you had any contact in any way or form with OM?” Once again the operator having defined contact.

If she passes then it would indicate she’s being truthful and you might feel safer in entering reconciliation with her.

I would add that you may want to try to R. Taking the poly would be a step towards wanting to try R. It might just happen that even with a pass with flying colours for your WW you just can't get past it. Not taking the poly would be a definite step towards not wanting to try to R. JMO.

Hi again. Sorry I wasn't clear. I mean like "have you been with anyone else sexually besides what has been discussed?" Something like that. I mean asking about more than what you suspect, as PP's have suggested.

A question my therapist said she always wants asked in a polygraph: "Is there anything about your sexual history, since we've been together, that you haven't disclosed?"

She will be taking the polygraph tomorrow. STD test will be taken soon as well.

Good. Hope you get the results you are hoping for.

Joe,

My question to you... Do your wife want to stay in the marriage?

[This message edited by Bigheart2018 at 5:24 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]

My question to you... Do your wife want to stay in the marriage?

Yes.

BTW you abandoned your initial thread, what was her excuse for keeping contact with her AP after Dday and what consequences did she have ? Has she apologized to all family and close friends for her huge betrayal ? please do NOT rugsweep this, she needs intense IC to find out her "whys", this as a 2 year LTA, she literally lied to your face THOUSANDS of times and is most likely still doing it, until she gets therapy she's not a good candidate for R, not by a long shot, make sure you find an IC that specializes on infidelity.[/

Yeah, it had been awhile until I could get back, and couldn't find the thread I started. Her excuse was lame, that she "thought they could just be friends". Don't get me started on that one. As far as consequences, just the natural ones like me having her passwords, daily checkups of the her phone records, social media, email etc. She has recently started IC therapy as well.

As much as I would like to see her squirm talking about this with her parents, or mine, I have not revealed it to them. Despite being on a forum like this, I can do it anonymously, but I am a very private person. But, don't think I haven't used this as leverage a few times. Also, I don't want it to get back to my children whom are way too young to hear about this.

[This message edited by joecardinals at 9:27 PM, April 4th (Thursday)]

Today is the big day. I have no idea how long it will take to get results though. I'm feeling very anxious about what it may reveal, but I will admit I get a lot of satisfaction knowing she will be spending 90 minutes with a former FBI polygraph examiner, interviewing her about the entire affair, then her having to answer those questions after what she did.

joe do you have a solid plan if you get a parking lot confession or if she fails the test?

I'd have her take it anyway.

That said, there seems to be a controversy on how accurate these tests are. Sigh.

For the record, mine failed. He passed the 1st question that asked if he was still in contact with OW. He failed #2 Are you still keeping secrets from your wife in regards to the affair? And he failed #3 Was there any sexual contact between you and X?

He later said that #2 was because he'd lied to me for three months about having sexual banter with her because he knew how it'd look. His excuse was that he does that sort of banter with everyone he's comfortable with and just wanted to see her reaction because that was attention. #3 he swears he's telling the truth. I don't believe him for a second.

We got our results electronically same day. It should be quick since they will know right then and there. Are you going with her?

Good luck today joecardinals. For your sake and peace of mind, I hope your wife passes.

Even if he gets divorced it always worth having the truth.

He can then answer people who ask him why he got divorce and tell them my ex had sex with OM1, OM2 and OM3 for this length of time.

He can also tell future girl friends the story of how he had his WW take a polygraph, might filter out serial cheaters from the dating pool when they find out there will be consequences.

Much better than just telling them you hate cheaters.

She passed the polygraph! She had to have a +2 to pass and a -2 to fail. She had a +6 and a +8 on the questions I had submitted. Apparently he could only use 2 of 15 the questions I submitted because here were too many issues to address by using that many (???). Anyway, she passed with a +6 that she had not had sex with him anymore times that she had already told me, and a +8 on whether she had any other sexual physcial contact with him or anyone else that she had not told me about.

I'll say I'm relieved, but still mad as hell it had to come to this. At least she knows now, that I will not tolerate her to rugsweep, or gaslight me anymore.

THat’s great joecardinals!