SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

THat’s great joecardinals!

Joe, I am happy the results showed no further lies. I respect that you followed through with this, something I regret not doing on my wife. May this give you some peace of mind through a very troubling, difficult situation.

First let me tell you I'm happy that your WW passed the Poly, it was worth every penny for some much needed peace of mind, accountability.

Yeah, it had been awhile until I could get back, and couldn't find the thread I started. Her excuse was lame, that she "thought they could just be friends". Don't get me started on that one. As far as consequences, just the natural ones like me having her passwords, daily checkups of the her phone records, social media, email etc. She has recently started IC therapy as well.

As much as I would like to see her squirm talking about this with her parents, or mine, I have not revealed it to them. Despite being on a forum like this, I can do it anonymously, but I am a very private person. But, don't think I haven't used this as leverage a few times. Also, I don't want it to get back to my children whom are way too young to hear about this.

She had a two year LTA and broke NC after Dday (a clear sign she's NOT remorseful), she had/has feelings for him, one of the purposes of exposure is so that the WS hates the A and remembers it as the one thing that destroyed their family, reputation and integrity, she needs to feel the embarrassment and not remember the A as "something magical, beautiful and romantic", the more she hates the A, the more she will hate her AP, the more she will hate herself for it and the less likely she will cheat again in the future.

I highly recommend you reconsider and at least tell both set of parents and have her apologize to them too, I would also recommend you tell the kids in a sanitized way that "mommy had a boyfriend" she needs to apologize to them too for all the energy and time she spent with her AP that should have been devoted to you and the children, it will make her hate the A even more, it might even help her not carry that secret and help her focus on IC and helping you heal. This was a two year LTA, that's a tough pill to swallow, thousands of lies, tainted memories, anniversaries, bdays, etc., you're going to need all the weapons at your disposal to overcome this and not remain M police for life, if you want to have a chance to R successfully you need to squash this A and turn every memory of it to something ugly, filthy, shameful and destructive in every angle of your WW's mind.

Since you've decided to R, don't forget to have her sign a postnup in your favor in case you later decide this was a deal-breaker of if she cheats again in the future.

As far as consequences, just the natural ones like me having her passwords, daily checkups of the her phone records, social media, email etc.

Those are not consequences. That is you playing parent/warden to a rebellious teenager.

-Confessing to family.

-Cutting anyone who facilitated her affair out of your lives.

-Notification to the OM’s wife or girlfriend (if there is one) and dealing with their anger.

-Signing a post-nup agreement with favorable terms in the event you decide it is a dealbreaker and leave.

Those are some examples of consequences.

I highly recommend you reconsider and at least tell both set of parents and have her apologize to them too, I would also recommend you tell the kids in a sanitized way that "mommy had a boyfriend" she needs to apologize to them too for all the energy and time she spent with her AP that should have been devoted to you and the children

Getting family involved is not off the table, it is simply something I am not willing to put my family through at this moment, nor am I emotionally strong enough to deal with the fallout at the moment. That is the last thing I need at the moment is hearing my mother bash my wife, even if it is warranted. I'm not withholding to protect her, I'm doing it for me. I think the idea of telling an 8 year old girl and a 4.5 year old girl that their mother "had a boyfriend" is very short sided, and could prove to be reckless down the road when they get old enough to date. I don't care how much it makes my wife hate the affair, my kids are not going to be a part of this.

Those are not consequences. That is you playing parent/warden to a rebellious teenager.

-Confessing to family.

-Cutting anyone who facilitated her affair out of your lives.

-Notification to the OM’s wife or girlfriend (if there is one) and dealing with their anger.

-Signing a post-nup agreement with favorable terms in the event you decide it is a dealbreaker and leave.

As far as anyone who facilitated the affair, there was noone that I know of. My wife knew her AP for years before, and they met up in their free time. I was too oblivious to catch on because I believed they were "just friends". She had plenty of time and opportunity, so no need to have anyone help out. If I find out there was someone, they'll be out of our lives.

The ex wife of the AP already knows, and they divorced during the affair. His exwife didn't have the decency to tell me.

The post nup is a great idea, and something I have been thinking about, and will look more into.

[This message edited by joecardinals at 3:53 AM, April 6th (Saturday)]