SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, my exWW married the POSOM. So, not only did she blow up our marriage and his marriage, she got exactly what she wanted with pretty much zero consequences. So, I doubt she will ever understand the magnitude of the devastation she caused me, OM's wife, my 2 DDs and his 2 DSs. In her mind, she "saved" everyone.

No and yes. I really knew it would hurt if she found out. Not to that extent and I thought it was a "it isn't that bad I chose you get over it" type of thing. I really think most cake eating waywards think that. Like some magic pill that makes everything okay because our egos are inflated and the BS won a prize and "everything is forgivable because we chose them and will never do it again after our one time of having our chance to have our hand in the cookie jar". I hoped she didn't find out. I never looked at her as a human being with rights. I looked at her as an object to fulfill my wants and needs. I calculated how far I could take it banking on her unconditional love. I knew I was hurting her and didn't care. I had put her in a parent role which let me take her for granted and took advantage of her love.

Zugzwang While that is harsh, thank you for your honesty. I believe this is exactly what my WH felt, but he is too ashamed to truly admit it. He has let things out like he wanted to be a rebel, but will also say that he felt like I didn't want him anymore. WH will clarify that the second part was not my fault, but it still pangs me because I don't think it's true. I believe the truth is much closer to being a rebel, mid-life crisis, he had nothing that made himself happy rather than him feeling like I didn't want him anymore...

I calculated how far I could take it banking on her unconditional love.

And this specifically, he said to me because POSOW was being tracked by her "controlling" husband yet he never had to worry about me finding out because I trusted him...

Did you know when you killed the marriage? When I realized the affair happened, that is when the marriage died for me. Did you cross a line and realize that you forever changed the marriage? Did you know that the "special" was gone?

TBH, I'm not sure my WH understands today (14+ months from dday) all that has been forever changed. Not really.

I got the usual "thought you'd never find out" stuff... and the constant (about EVERYTHING A-related) "I did not RECOGNIZE.... [fill in the blank]" .

Personally, I think compartmentalization is real. AND I think that they CHOOSE to do it.

They basically Scarlett O'Hara their way to do whatever the fuck they want to. I believe most (all?) WS are, at their core, children.

Just like the texting & driving example (or driving drunk or hangover after party or any risky behavior), they KNOW they are risking their M. They may CHOOSE to put that into a compartmentalized [pandora's] box, but deep down, they know the special of their M is gone, they know they have crossed a line and won't be the same, but just don't want to face (or as my WH would say "recognize" it.

I KNOW if I eat cake I will gain weight.... but can rationalize it in the moment (it's my birthday! I DESERVE this! fill in the blank). I think a difference is that when the scale tilts higher, I'm not surprised and I know it was my choice to eat cake. When a WS' scale tilts higher, they act like they couldn't see it coming. I don't buy it - I think they always knew eating the cake would tip the scale, but they CHOOSE to do it anyhow.

I talked with someone who was with her AP. She described it this way.

Her H was normal but she felt ignored. She thought he wasn't that interested in her life. She was there to raise the kids, care for the house, do errands, cook. She considered herself a worker employed by her husband. He would evaluate her performance and assign tasks. she also worked full time where I worked so she saw it as working two jobs. Her H saw his role as primarily financial. He did like to plan vacations so they mostly went to the places he wanted to visit. She thought he lost interest once he had married, ( secured a wife, started a family ) She said it felt exciting to be getting married and liked their house, liked the security, liked having kids. She thinks once he had these things he switched to autopilot and was happy.

She didn't think about what the affair would do to her H or the marriage. She wondered what a D might look like for her kids or financially. She knew D people so concluded she would be fine as she could support herself. She already felt like a single person in her marriage.

The person at work liked her personality. He gave compliments. She felt good being around him. The sex was not the reason for the continuing A. The first crossing of the line physically was about being desired and liking that feeling. During the A she was always nervous her H would discover. Finally she couldn't take the pressure and confessed. Her H wanted a D and so she moved in with her AP. They were happy together at the time I talked with her. She was only sad she had hurt her H, no sadness at loss of her M. She thought the good parts of her M were gone anyway.

She always seemed a good person to me. I think she wishes she had D first in hindsight.

My XWW was super moral when it came to cheating. She literally dissolved a friendship, when she found out that friend was sleeping with a married man, with children. I knew she would never, ever even consider cheating.

When she did, she had done mental gymnastics to convince herself she was justified. In her mind, I had become a boring person (I am an executive with an active social life, hobby musician, artist, writer, furniture maker) and we had fallen into a routine that bored her. Nevermind that I brought her coffee in bed every morning, greeted her with "Good Morning, Gorgeous!" sent her love notes throughout our 18 year marriage and did the majority of domestic duties. She would cite that she would come home from work and "there you are, on the couch, eating cashews, drinking a beer and reading the New Yorker!" as though this was a damning indictment.

When discovered, after five months of telling me, in detail, how she figured we were probably done as a couple (those damn cashews!), I found out. She was ashamed, but like other cheaters:

She thought she wouldn't get caught

She thought she deserved the excitement

She wanted to feel desired by a new man

It was a cry for help

and now that we divorced, she blames it on me for over-reacting to something she considers "a stumble."

Clearly, she did not know the magnitude of the affair and still doesn't.

All questions to Waywards must be posted to the "BS Questions for WS's" thread in the I Can Relate forum.