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Is it normal to be triggered by things that are not directly associated with the affair?

Not doing well lately. My WH is trying but it isn't in his personality to be patient or not retaliate when someone says something he feels is "attacking " him, like pointing out his cheating or lying. I am drowning, and he is trying.

Maybe the triggers I am having are related to the fact his affair spanned our entire marriage, 22 years, and I just found out about the second OW (the 22 year one 11 days ago, so still fresh). I was on the treadmill watching Mamma Mia 2 (yes cheesy but it has always made me smile and ABBA was my mom's favourite group) and I was hit with an over whelming wave of pain and hurt that he was cheating when we saw this movie together. AND that when we saw the first one three months after my mom died and it was a bittersweet moment because she would have loved it, he had literally just spent the night with the OW about two weeks earlier. He lied right to my face about loving me, held my hand and it is all ruined. Everything is ruined. Such a waste and so fucking sad.

I feel hunted. I don't know now when something will hurt me. Is this normal?

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 8:38 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Yes, all normal. Everything is a trigger even when not related to the affair. Especially when you're this fresh out. It'll be that way for some time. Having to unpack that your entire marriage was a lie will take a lot of time.

The feeling of being hunted is your body being in constant fight or flight mode.

You've experienced a major trauma. Unfortunately, the only way out of hell is through it.

Just know that you're not alone. Keep posting.

Your husband needs to get help and try harder. Otherwise, one can only take so much.

Almost 2 yrs since DDay. I pulled in to get gas a few days ago. I noticed one car backed in from the next state over, and one pulled in forward from our state, so the drivers doors were facing each other. An older guy with a slightly younger married woman were all over each other, like black snakes. When I finished pumping gas, I backed up to where they were, just two feet from their vehicles. I just stared out my passenger window at them for less than a minute. It obviously got them out of the mood, because they hopped in the cars and left in a hurry as I was pulling out. Wow, the odd triggers, but definitely less as time passes.

OMG I trigger at so much and the most stupid things sometimes. I'm a year out from the first DD.

I trigger when I watch tv and there's two people cheating on each other. I never noticed how often that happens in shows and movies but I do now.

I trigger when I go to lay down at night in bed and I'm alone. Or when I wake up and my first thought is to roll over and hold my wife and kiss her.

I trigger at the new Ariana Grande song about leave your girlfriend I'm bored.

I trigger at the Taylor Swift song delicate.

When I thought my wife and I were reconciling I would trigger during sex and would have to swallow it down.

I trigger when I go to the grocery store or when I'm in the kitchen cooking. And sometimes I even trigger when I'm walking up my back steps knowing that when I walk in the house she won't be there.

Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but a year out and it's not any easier. Maybe it would be easier if we had reconciled and worked through the triggers together. But since a lot of the triggers are caused by her being gone they are still very painful. I can be watching a comedy on tv and all of a sudden just break down in tears. The rollercoaster of emotions is real and heartbreaking.

I’m a month out from DDay and everything triggers me. The beer they brand they shared after races, me not being able to reach him, movies with seduction scenes, love songs, butter-yes butter (he calls it proper Irish butter and she picked that up), cleaning my kitchen where we made meals together, having to work near where ow and obs live,EVERYTHING. They tell me it gets better. I alternate between sobbing myself to sleep or raging most nights. I’m a lot of fun to be around, I’m sure.

I am so glad it is not just me and I am so sorry you all are going through this nightmare.

Him stroking my hair, calling me babe, telling me he loves me, songs, sobbing through freaking Star is Born, him PICKING up his phone, a certain shirt, golf balls (he wrote his initials with a heart and her initials), Christmas now forever, his birthday (another visit), the gym, a certain hotel chain, and countless other things every day all day. When I'm alone it is even worse.

We are travelling down in a few weeks to see his relatives and will have to drive through two areas where OW one (short 6 week affair) and OW two (22 years!!) live. Honestly, I haven't been through there since finding out and I'm afraid I'm going to trigger for 2 hundred kilometres.

Why does my whole life feel like death from a thousand cuts and he is actually relieved that the stress of hiding and lying is over for the first time in 22 years? I want to sell my freaking van because he made out with her against the side of it!!!

I'm over a month out of DD and everything triggers me. I cru daily. Like gut wrenching cry. I have to leave my desk at work and compose myself in the restroom. Typically cry all the way home form work, then before bed. I feel your pain and you are not alone in this.

Hopefully your hubby is seeking therapy also to learn why he did this and how he can support you.

Would he read a book or listen to a book on how to help you? I have a great one my WH listened to and I am reading now.

It is healthy for you to address your perceptions. To be emotionally intelligent will lead to your healing.

For me, the best way to heal was to never care again. Have the expectation it will occur again. They only try long enough to get you to believe what isn't there: a real marriage.

Hi,

So sorry you found us here. Yes, triggers are very normal. They can come at any time and there is nothing that you can do to prepare yourself for it. Your mind is in a deep state of shock, and the triggers are your mind’s defence mechanism. No, you are not going insane, they are a perfectly normal reaction to the trauma you have been through.

Being betrayed is difficult to get over with, it plays along the trust you gave to your partner. What makes it worse is that it was done right under your very nose, whilst you thought all was going well. We all react differently, some lash out in anger, disgust. Some of us grieve and shed a bucket of tears. However which way you choose to do it is fine, there is no right way of reacting. DependIng on how fresh the wound is, the gravity of the reaction will commensurate.

There will come a point in time when you will be able to not react to these triggers, and simply observe them. Know it in your mind that it is just a sensation that you feel and experience. Best of all it will come to pass.

The hardest part is accepting the situation you are in. I can not tell you to expedite your healing as all of us take different times to heal, some heal faster than others. It is something that we can’t compare with, because we all have been hurt, and hurt differently that is.

Things will never be the same after the A. Your partner chose to consciously re-write your marriage and history together. And he is solely responsible for that decision, you did not drive him to make that choice. Whichever road you choose, to reconcile or to divorce, know that you have friends here who will help you along the way. There are no stupid questions here.

I send you strength, may you find the wisdom to see the truth and be at peace.

[This message edited by BrokenGiant at 4:04 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thanks you. I thought I was going crazy. I alternate between crying, never cried so much in my life, and terrible rage. Right after the second DD just under two weeks ago I ended up sitting on my floor keening and pounding my fists on the floor. I am a VERY stable person who probably would be described as in control most of the time. I do not recognize this person I have become and don't know who will be left when my pieces are stuck back together somehow.

This floor pounding incident occurred after my WH said no matter what the OW would always be a friend. Lost it. He has certainly changed his mind now and is baffled at how fast she threw him under the bus and declared herself just an innocent bystander in the whole 30 plus year love affair. Just found out that WH also cheated on his ex directly before me, mother of his daughter, with the same OW exact same MO.

Anyway, CrossedArrow I would love to know what book you might think is helpful. My WH isn't a big reader but he listens to books all the time when I get them for me. I read and listen voraciously.

Thanks everyone again. When all this has become less cutting on the emotions I might look into the long term impacts of trauma to be ready for any aftermath.

Talk about triggers. Today is the 10 year anniversary of me and my wife's first date. And a bunch of Facebook memories popped up to remind me, as if I could forget. Today is going to be yet another day of agonizing pain.

It's 100% totally normal. You are going through the very painful process of re-processing the past 22 years and trying to make sense of it all. You will experience a number of triggers. Some from sources that are obvious, others will be for things you did not expect. You will look back at your life and it will destroy memories that were previously happy for you. The affair taints so much.

My husband wasn't much of a reader either but one book that he liked was "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janice Abram Spring. It helped him understand what was going on for me.

Yes it's normal.

Infidelity triggers are like buying a new car...as soon as you buy a 2019 red Ford pickup....you start to see a lot of 2019 red Ford pickups!