SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I picked up my husband's phone to check to see who had texted him happy New Year. I then saw a string of texts between him and AP going back a few weeks. The text that got my attention was "I miss my arms around your sweaty neck."

It was the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday and I honestly didn't know what to do so I ran out of the house with the phone and drove around. I then went back to the house to grab my wallet to go buy cigarettes when he walked into the drive with the dogs. I told him that I knew about the A, and asked if he was leaving me. He looked shocked and horrified and immediately said "No" he wasn't leaving me. I then asked "then what the fuck was this all about??" To which he really couldn't answer. My overall memory is that he looked exactly like a deer in the headlights.

Fast forward an extremely painful year and a month where I was heartbroken and just generally insane, I ran a Dr. Fone scan on his phone, discovered he had maintained contact (albeit platonically) and I drove to the nearest gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes, smoked three in a row, went upstairs, woke him up, told him that I knew he had continued to lie to me and to get the fuck out. He sat up in bed, blinked and got up and left without saying a word.

And that was that. Twenty years, done. The next day when he came to collect his stuff that I had spent the night throwing into hefty bags and throwing them onto the front garden, he was in an absolute rage with me. It was all my fault that he had continued contact. How dare I kick him out?? Honestly, it was pretty ridiculous and delusional. Whatever.

A week before I found out he told me he wasn’t sure we would work out. The I love you but I’m not sure if I’m in love with you. We have two small children and he seemed amendable to couples therapy to see if we could make it work. He slept with the OW for the first time a few days later. I searched his work bag while he was out “grabbing drinks with his best friend” because I was suspicious as hell. Found condoms. He came home and I told him that I knew about the affair and he suggested that we stay married for logistical reasons and for the sake of the kids but that we would be happier dating other people. We are now in R with great trepidation but I have a hard time getting over just how far his head was up his ass with that statement. He thought he loooooved her and she looooved him.

Which time?

Short story: Abnormal in that he confesses pretty quickly - no denial. TT - yes. Denial of the sexual aspects - no.

Long story:

D-day1

I had sensed something was wrong (I was working out of state for 6 months and he had been distant and strange) for about 2 months, and I had gotten the "I'm not sure I want to stay together" conversation but then he was hot and cold, changing his mind, planning trips to see me etc. I came home (to our home) for a weekend and looked through a credit card bill and saw a purchase from a shop that only sells intimate things for women from about 4 months before (not lingerie - not even sex toys - a weird purchase) that wasn't for me. That night, October 1, I confronted him with the bill and he caved without resistance, admitting to an EA/PA with one of his best friends (and both the AP and the OBS are his co-worker's) wife, but said it had ended about mid August and had gone on for about 2.5 months (so it started right when I suspected things were off). He said he had already gone no-contact (a lie) and that it was already over.

He said he loved me. He said he was an idiot. He said he did not want me to leave him and that he wanted me to return from where I was living when my job was over and we could "start fresh" or something. He was curled up in a ball on the bed. He cried. He apologized.

I left 2 hours later and flew back to where I was. Over the next 2 months before my job was to end he flew down, talked to me all the time, told me he wanted me to come back, and that we had "problems" but he wanted to try to get through them...and like an idiot, I did eventually return.

[Spoiler: It wasn't over - he ended it the next day and stayed away from her for about 3 weeks before going back to it.]

D-day2

Fast forward about 9 months from d-day 1 I find what I suspect is a gift from AP to him in his glove compartment while waiting in the car at the airport (I wasn't digging - just putting a receipt from an oil change in there as it was on the floor). Nothing romantic but something expensive he would never buy for himself. When he entered the car he reached for my hand and I told him to use his new gift, and he "confessed" that the gift was from her, but lied and said that she had left it in his car at work and that although he had broken NC (allegedly to make things more "normal" at work as people would notice if they weren't talking to each other) that nothing nefarious was going on (lie #2).

We came home and he cried that he hadn't told me about their contact but said something like he wasn't happy with "us" and he wasn't sure he wanted to continue. So I said "fine" and then he would change his mind and say he is unhappy generally, blah blah blah. He sent a NC email to her stating that he didn't want to be a part of hurting me or the OBS any longer, they could only talk at work about work things, and that he was requesting a transfer.

[Spoiler alert: NC lasted 2 days and they were back at it]

D-day3 (I combine dday 2 and 3 on here usually as it's all part and parcel of the same nonsense and for ease of writing)

After the gift incident I went back and forth between leaving in the middle of the night and not giving a crap. Fast forward 4 more months, a year to the day of d-day 1. I had suspected he was lying, so I planted a VAR, set a "trap" for him to feel safe and secure that I was not coming home, and let him have his privacy to call her. He did. I came home, walked in the door, put the VAR in my laptop (he didn't notice as he was chatting away to me), plugged in my headphones and listened to about 2 minutes of their conversation replete with "I love yous" and the like, pulled my headphones out, and told him to get in the car (we had a houseguest - bad timing). I yelled at him for about 2 hours in the parking lot of a gas station, and he said very little, did not deny the A had continued, admitted that it only stopped for about 3 weeks the year before, but that it was no longer "physically sexual" (I've read enough messages from his phone over that year to confirm that while they did a lot of sexting, somehow they felt "okay" since they weren't having actual sex anymore).

We drove home and I messaged the OBS in front of him and told him to give me his phone - which I downloaded to a hard-drive and had forensically analyzed. Over the next several days he told me everything I wanted to know and more - I had to stop him - he was like a dam that had burst. He started IC, sent a NC message to the AP ccing me and the OBS, and seemed genuinely concerned that I was going to leave. The AP sent countless messages from burner phones to him which he showed me, for about 3 months and NC continued for about 3 months, until I decided that if she continued he would need to seek a restraining order. Apparently, he wanted to "save" her from those consequences (as a restraining order means instant job loss - probably for both of them and potentially the OBS as well as shitty as that is), so he didn't tell me about any continued efforts of hers to continue contact and eventually...

[Yeah, who's kidding who - there is no spoiler alert - we all know what happens next...]

D-day4

Fast forward 6 months to 4/1/19 (the 6 months since the d-day3 I had not committed to R but had not moved for financial reasons so things were strained at best) - he had seemed off during January and February - and whereas before he had seemed more committed to wanting to work through things and hoped I would change my mind and consider R, he seemed perfectly happy to be roommates. He indicated that he was "still ambivalent" about "us" but that his therapist had been working with him about his FOO and attachment etc and it was bringing up a lot of hard truths about himself so he felt very disconnected from life blah blah blah.

I pulled his phone bill and for about 7 weeks there were millions of messages to-from various random numbers (she likes to switch burner numbers because...who knows). I drove to the parking lot of his work (secure site - I can't go on the property) and told the guards to send a message to him that I was waiting in the parking lot. He came out, I said I saw the phone bill, and he said "then you know" - conversations had ended about a month earlier. Apparently he wasn't enjoying it anymore, decided he wanted to work on himself, save the M, and be happy again, and had told her he was done. This actually appears to be true - but in all honestly - I don't really care anymore anyway.

He cried, said he would do anything to salvage things, invited me to his counseling session to give his counselor some insight about how he is with me, etc. I told him - Yeah, sure.

Now he's working on him and I'm working on me. He's hoping for R I think and I'm hoping for a rewind button so I can get my old (pre-ever moving to be with him) life back.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:04 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

I had the I don't love you anymore and have been felling this way for YEARS a week before, I had this felling that it was not just that.

He had change his cellphone code so I was not able to look at his messages, FB anything, but one night he got drunk at a party we attended, when we got to my car I noticed that his cellphone was connected to the car by bluethoot, I believe he didn't notice it was on, so I checked the call listing, hundreds of calls to and from a girl he works with. next day I confronted him I he told me that she was a friend and the he really liked to talk to her.

One day I noticed that he came home with a red bracelet on his wrist and later took it off. I asked him and hi told me that she gave it to him as a souvenir because she was on vacation. I have seen that he wears it in his office but takes it off before coming home.

He doesn't want to confess that there is a affair, but I know there is.

D day one.. he had to tell me he had an STD.. he met OW at a Hotel bar ..she was married ..hooked up that night.. because she traveled for business next hookup was planned for SF..they stayed in same hotel..they were together for sex ..no contact otherwise..

D-DAY 2. Sept 2002.. suspected the A , WS was on his phone outside he was picking fights, could not find any proof of A..until one night WS went to bed early and I went to see if I could figure out his passcode..on his phone bingo message from OW.. woke up WS told him I wanted a divorce.. he loved us both.. told him to leave ..he wanted to stay..he had a business trip the next morning he was gone all day he called me told me he ended A with OW ,,wanted MC...we used the same person for IC and MC..the MC SAID don't make any immediate s

decisions to me..lots of work to do..I got TT and lies for over 3 yrs finally he told me the truth about one of two questions I had. MC told me I could leave WS for that one lie.. looking back I should

have left but WS by that time was doing all the right things and he Told me he knew how much he hurt me with the last lie.. fast forward to D-DAY 3 same OW FOR 19 yrs .. she called him in 2003 and missed him.. WS said they talked by pay phone about 2x /month for 5 years until he saw him again and it got physical ..they saw each other about 2 times a year..since 2009 ..she sent him a phone to use in 2009 and then they taxted and talked every day except when he was angry with her or we traveled ..I found the phone and asked about it..deer in headlights look said he had a friend told him he was gone marriage was over..told me it was same OW and it was over he gave me the phone I looked at the messages and it was I love you

begged me for time ..giving him a year.. there isn't any TT ..he told me everything with in 2 weeks..didnt want to to lie anymore filled in the rest of the info that I asked in 2002..so far answers all my questions, going to IC working on his issues..his actions are positive ..we will see what happens down the road .

Same with me. I stayed drunk every night for the first three months. I remember very little.

Same here. On the days/nights I did not have custody of my son, I drank myself to sleep.

Wool94, don't you love how they blame you for snooping? I caught my WH in a lie the other day. He actually said, "I didn't know I was being monitored like a criminal" when I told him I knew he had lied. Basically my fault fo catching him.not his for lying.

Dontworrybehappy, Everytime I catch my WH doing anything it's somehow my fault. Caught looking at TONS of imo disturbing porn, it was bc they are hotter than me. (Yes, he actually said that). Caught in emotional affair with coworker that involved inappropriate pictures. It was because she's nice to him, not me. Caught blatantly lying about ridiculous irrelevant stuff, because I flip out if he breaths wrong. He even blamed the OW saying she sent the pics out of nowhere for no reason. Like most cheaters mine accepts no responsibility.

I found a love letter/Christmas card from his mistress in our work office files while he was out of town (with her I learned a year later) and I texted to ask him if he forgot to tell me about his affair. He called to tell me lies and I hung up on him. He came home early unexpectedly to hug me, hold me and tell me it was a decade ago and long over and many other lies that I believed at the time. He was sweet, calm, comforting and convincing. I was in shock and did not know how to properly handle the discovery or disclosure. I sure do now.

I kept digging to try and make sense of his A, and every time I would find a clue he would explain it away and get frustrated that I wouldn’t believe him and kept digging for answers. He wouldn’t give me any details to spare me hurt. Seven months later I found current emails between them and confronted them both and got more lies - it was over for years, just a friendship with occasional emails and no physical contact. I deleted his email account and began my own unfortunate correspondence with his AP, not realizing I was just getting twice the lies. I believe now that this is the point where their EA and PA actually ended.

Nine months later I found evidence of overnight trips they took four months after dday, while he was pretending to reconcile and I packed my bags and prepared to leave.

I’m still here. He’s still trying to make amends in his awkward way. I’m still looking for answers. I scared her away and made her tell her husband. If she looks sideways at either of us I tell her grown daughter and coworkers at her children’s charity just for starters. I have leverage and she’s terrified of me. I’m scared of myself some days too. I used to be the nicest person you ever met.

Bottom line: with every exposure my WH denied and deflected and minimized. He was in his affair fog and compartmentalized world. It took a long time to get through to him because I didn’t have the resources or expertise of the wise people here until a year had passed. I won’t get fooled again. I absolutely hate being a cautionary tale and for taking so long to trust my gut instead of his lies.

Uneventful, actually.

My brother saw them and told me. I confronted her. She broke down and confirmed immediately. I guess I was “lucky.” I think it was such a shock to her that this secret part of her life would become known to me that she had no clue how to deal with me knowing.

In the end it helped her, because there’s no way we’d still be together if I had to go through months of denials and TT.

I remember, too, like it was yesterday

Had a nightmare that morning about meeting my WH at a work party and he was there with a faceless women... shook it off ... went back to sleep and had another nightmare about our daughter being hit by a car and finally got out of bed.

Tried to reach him ... couldn’t!

Went to our camp for an annual party with his childhood friends - his parents and their friends.

He ignored me until I made him pay attention to me with a kiss... he looked at me differently - like he had forgotten me and was just remembering that their was a me.

Daughter intercepted a text on his computer because she saw him deleting them from phone - told me

I said “ I knew it” to her...

Coldly walked to him - and asked who OW was and told him that he should know that we’d be getting a divorce.

Quickly put kids in the car and drove away as his parents begged me to talk to him and my older daughter screamed at him while my younger daughter was terrified and confused.

His fantasy world and reality collided and blew up in front of anyone that ever loved, respected or believed in him - in that moment he was a stranger to all of us and we were all blindsided - him most of all - if truth be told. He had always been the “good guy”. He had become his own worst enemy and everyone knew it. He was a fraud!

He Begged me to return home for the night while he lied through his teeth about an EA vs the PA, it really was.

I watched him “wake up”, deny, lie, accuse, justify, self protect, check boxes, do damage control and fight .... mostly fight to not actually be the POS he had become.

There hasn’t been another annual party since the summer of 2016.

It was great fun ... for everyone🤮!!!