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My WW confessed, because the OMs other AP found out she wasn’t his only AP and blew the whole thing up.

She was absolutely STUNNED that not only did Mr.Wonderful lie about being separated from his wife, but also that he had had 2 other APs, one of whom my wife was sort of friends with. I don’t think she quite knew how to wrap her mind around what she had stumbled into. I left and said “good luck with all that”. I went on a bit of a drunken bender, first to a bar, then a strip club. She blew up my phone with calls and 100 texts at least, and I didn’t respond at all. To be honest, I didn’t really respond to her at all for a few months.

I went on a bit of a drunken bender, first to a bar, then a strip club. She blew up my phone with calls and 100 texts at least, and I didn’t respond at all. To be honest, I didn’t really respond to her at all for a few months.

Same with me. I stayed drunk every night for the first three months. I remember very little.

Same with me. I stayed drunk every night for the first three months. I remember very little.

Yep

My old lady was shocked I actually cared.

See after 7 years of two ships passing in the night it really wasn't a marriage after all and she did her thing and I did my thing.

When the kids got more independent my old lady got really reckless, and if I didn't confront her the kids would have lost their mother, my MIL would have lost a daughter, and I would lost a easy piece of ass.

See the disfunction in the relationship was so destructive....my old lady started self destructing with her dangerous behavior.

It wasn't until the end of football season '10 I realized I hadn't seen my old lady around much and decided to remotely track her down...it wasn't pretty...So I investigated and investigated and did my research and confronted her and she listened after I showed her who she was hanging out with and what was happening to her.

I mean once I started caring it was crazy dangerous on what was going on. The parking tickets in bad hoods, the ATM withdrawals and were, the guys I found in back round checks, the over all paper trail she left in the open was jaw dropping.

There really wasn't an exchange of "were are you going" or "when will you be home"....she never ask and either did I. When the kids would ask..."mom was with friends" or "dad was with friends".

At the end of the day I have no reason for why we...I... all of the sudden stopped this disfunction, but one day Feb. 11th I asked my self were my old lady was! We found each other and have come a long way.

So hence the reason she was actually shocked I even cared. It's still all bull crap....she knows I don't even share my tools much less my old lady....so she just had no other way out cuz she knew banging other guys was wrong so she came up with this bull shyt.

As calm as we bother were when I exposed her she excepted the fact that she needed help....hell I needed help. It was a weird day that day....can't explain it really, but it was the last day we stopped hurting each other!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 6:23 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

First affair - I woke her up at 3am when I found the incriminating text when I woke up with a bad feeling and decided to snoop for the first time. She was caught by surprise but was strangely calm. What I remember most in that first “discussion” was her telling me that if we stayed together I shouldn’t expect to throw her affair in her face as a way to win an argument/resolve a disagreement.

Second affair - I was out and found out and texted her that I knew her “girl” friend was a fake name and that it was really a guy. She texted back to say, more or less: “ yes it’s a man but she only had dinner with him a few times and only because he listened to me.” Needless to say it was actually a years’ long affair.

He was coming in from night shift and I was sitting in bed WIDE awake. He stopped and just stood there and I told him I knew he was cheating and he asked what I was talking about. After I gave him dates, places and what he spent he said it was a mistake. Ummm No.

[This message edited by PJswife at 1:16 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

She said:

"I'm going to say something that will hurt you.

Your mother never came across enough for your dad."

(WTH!!??)

My ex delighted in telling me every single time he cheated because he was an abusive POS and really enjoyed hurting me.

Seriously, he'd do it with a smile on his face and as cruelly as possible because he wanted to reduce me to nothing.

It came as a great surprise to him when I ended the relationship.

She minimized and lied.

Day 1: Said it was "some guy" who she had "inappropriate conversations" with from the YMCA. Said his name was "Jeff" and that he was the trainer who was running some contest. I went to see "Jeff"...no one at the Y by that name, no trainer, no staff, no teachers, no one. They even checked the other Ys in town. I demanded NC.

Day 2: I downloaded phone records & checked. Found date/time of the call that I interrupted that set my bells & whistles off. Put it into my phone to call "Jeff". Turned out to be the contractor remodeling the master bath. She denied anything other than a couple calls. By the way, they weren't "inappropriate" in what was discussed, but it was "inappropriate" to make the calls. NC had not happened.

Day 3: "tearful" confession & NC promise. I put a tracker on her phone that sent every text/FB message/IG/WhatsApp/webpage visited to me. She didn't know about the tracker. Sent him a message that said "Heartsick. Miss you." I lost it. Turned into the Hulk. Confronted her. She lied about sending a message. I punched a hole in a door (just replaced the door last week, actually). She said she was "confused" and didn't know what to do. I said "What's to be confused about? You're married to me!"

Then I told her who I had already talked with & exposed the A to (pastor, elders, friends). She said she wouldn't step foot in the church again, said that she wouldn't see any of our friends again (all the 'humiliation & shame' of course).

Continued to swear that it wasn't anything more than a couple conversations & a few texts.

I learned over a year later that not only were the conversations about "inappropriate" topics (like what they wanted to do to one another, pictures being shared, etc.), but that it had been physical.

Simple story just like everyone else. Liars lie.

I had a vague suspicion from time to time but could never thoroughly believe it would happen. Occasionally I brought up the possibility in a calm way and she would smoothly assuage any concern. Then her psycho ex-bff threw her under the bus just enough in an email she knew I'd see because it went to an account we shared. There had been a big argument between ww and the bff, and the bff is no stranger be to vengeance. The email was about the bff defending herself, citing how loyal she had been to WW, and in that context she mentions "I never told (me, bs) about you and OM." So she's defending her loyalty WHILE throwing ww under the bus because the bff knows there's a good chance that I'll see this email.

WW denies for a couple days, offering some ridiculous excuse for what that statement means when it's clear. I was 500 miles away from home as usual that time of year. She knew she was caught but worked her ass off to lie her way out of it. After a few days she was distant while helping a mutual friend move. Then, knowing I wouldn't let this go, she offered a half baked confession, making a list of 5 things she had hidden from me, one being that there had been flirting with the om (my brother) for about a year and a half but it had stopped and nothing beyond the flirting ever happened. Wow. Amazing that she thought I might buy that.

She stuck to her story for a few months, while from time to time I would lovingly encourage her to tell the truth. In the meantime there was evidence that another om might be in the mix. One night she came around, admitting that an affair had happened with my brother. I was devastated.

A day and a half later she drove the 500 miles to where I worked. Much TT, I knew there was more than she was telling me. At one point I took her phone from her and started reading texts. She couldn't deal with that and made a move to leave. I told her that if she left, that was it. I'm done. 30 years down the toilet. She stayed while I read texts. Not much there about my brother but the more recent EA/PA was obviously crashing & burning after a heated few months and there was evidence of half a dozen or so one time hook-ups. Later that night she admitted to one other guy I didn't know about.

The next day she tried to tell me the whole story. My gut told me she was being very honest until she got to my brother. The TT on that and sex in general persisted for 4 1/2 years. Gradually I'd pull things out of her, but she never got close to real openness and transparency, until about a week ago.

What changed?

She has 4 1/2 years of recovery in AA, and just recently started reading SI and the healing library.

Maybe for the first time since D-Day my feelings of hope are outsizing the feelings of uncertainty. Thanks SI.

Sorry if TMI, verbose.

[This message edited by DailyReprieve at 3:58 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

I found out about one of the affairs by pulling up to my house and finding my entire garage door vandalized with the message "[insert my WH full name here] stay away from my wife". He was in the car with me and looked at me and said "they must've gotten the wrong house". Um... yeah, your full fucking name is there, pretty sure it's the right house. He claimed innocence until I went into work and was handed an envelope by a coworker that her husband left there for me of all their chats. Then the empty apologies and blaming me began. I'm pretty sure that was the affair that gave me PTSD.

She minimized and lied.

Replace "She" with "He" and that about covers it.

I fell for some of it for awhile but after 3 years of various TT and False R it pretty much came out. I think he thought I would divorce him if he told me everything about everyone upfront. And of course he thought he could get away with me not finding out...

I'm envious of those BS who told the whole truth from the get go. I wish I had had that too. For me the lies took away my ability to make informed decisions and showed even more disrespect towards me at a very vulnerable time. Water under the bridge now but nothing will ever be the same again as many others have said.

I found voice messages saved by Google. He claimed it was only sexting with random women from AFF. He denied for two days that it was anything but "chatting" with whores.

On the third day past DD I was sitting in an IC's office and he sent a text, "I was unfaithful to you with two women in (name of city).

I went ballistic....but it was not over.

Two days later I find more evidence in Google "activities" (how aptly named!) that there were other random hookups. He then admits to two more.

I find more evidence of other attempts, many in fact.

He lied for about a week. After a week I told him if he gave me any more TT it was automatic D proceedings after a poly if he didn't pass the poly.

I would say his reaction was one of shock. He never expected to be caught and didn't have a plan if he was. He was pretty smug, having gotten away with his cheating for four years. He was NOT smug after being caught though.

After the shock he got himself into IC and pastoral counseling and started his work on himself and trying to heal the marriage.

Dday was the shock of my life. I feel like I went to the bowels of hell and was tortured in ways I never thought possible.

When your spouse was exposed how did they react?

I found red-handed evidence of what had been going on for the last year and a half and evidently the reason behind being inexplicably treated like utter shit the entire time.

She was in the bathroom plastering on makeup in getting ready for the gazillionth girls night out.

I simply asked how long it had been going on.

She acted incredulous, said nothing was going on, and asked what I was talking about.

I asked the same thing four more times and she denied and denied.

I then said “I have the letter.”

A dead doll-eye look came over her face.

For the first time, I saw who my then-wife was and what she really looked like.

She was absolutely furious at being caught,

Being caught acting the 180-degree opposite of the sweetheart-princess image she works very hard at making people believe so they will shower her with the praise and comments that are like crack cocaine to her.

She immediately blamed me, the marriage, and everything else except herself.

She commenced to acting as the horrific, remorseless, irrational, contempt-spewing wayward piece-of-shit that we all know well of here.

I was, and still am, in disbelief that this is the one I ended up with as the mother of my children.

The worst fucking “role model” who surrounds herself with as-shitty or shittier “role models”.

And she expected that I would have wanted to reconcile.

I don’t know how people like her can conscience looking in the mirror or looking their children in the eyes.

I am also in disbelief that I believed the bullshit and didn’t see through the facade before all this.

I felt something being off in our relationship for almost 7-8 months and had been "lightly" snooping for about 2-3. WW had been NC with the other man for about 3 months meaning their sexting had stopped. However, he reached back out b/c he wanted to start it up again and I found a text string between them that was relatively innocent but based on the length I knew it was more. The moment he texted her, she reached out to her "safe" friend to tell her how giddy she was and she replied "don't you love getting a charge out of knowing you're on his mind?" That's when I knew.

I confronted him first, and of course, he denied anything other than minor flirting. His dead giveaway was him crying which he shouldn't have if it was so innocent. Then he didn't know that I was monitoring my wife's phone, so he called her to head her off. She eventually said that when he called, he kept saying how they should deny deny deny, and she said I just need to talk to my husband (as in, it's over). I have no way of knowing what exactly was said.

Wife comes home and acts all nice. I say tell me about what was going on with OM, she says nothing. I say Fuck you, I know it all. She then proceeds to cry a river like I've never seen before. All BS. Saying it didn't mean much and that it was just flirting. And at this exact point, I had no idea how deep it went so I believed her. #IDIOT Over the next 7 days b/c things didn't add up, I kept digging and it kept getting worse and worse and worse. It went from the occasional text message, to mild flirting, to full flirting, to sexting, to sending nude pics.

At the time, she claimed she didn't want to hurt me by telling me all the bad news at once. Such BS which she knows very well at this point.

She'd been lying for months, so what was a few more lies at the end right? We're 2 years out now and we're in a much better place. Our relationship has radically transformed but it was a ride for sure. The scars will always be there, I'll never forget, but it's not hanging over our heads every single day. We make the choice to be married every single day.

I got into his email and read the evidence of the affair. He had a pet name for his AP and when he came home from "grocery shopping" I asked him how his "pet name" friend was doing and how great their f&*k was that evening. (I'm gentle aren't I?) I saw his shoulders drop down almost in relief as he realized I knew and there was no getting out of it.

Beyond that he continued to gaslight me and not tell me the entire truth and cried like a baby when he had to write to her (a book I believe) to "drop her on her ass" with NC. His primary goal was to continue to cover his ass so I wouldn't know the depth of the horror of his actions.

Fun times...

My near perfect world came crashing down around me on October 3 while sitting in my office with another person. I got a phone call from AP's BH. I was pretty numb.

Immediately searched his social media messages and found a message exchange. I then hired a PI and put a GPS tracker on his vehicle.

On October 11, what was left of my world came crashing down again when a very close family member committed suicide.

In the course of all of this, I found out there was another AP partner. I made a surprise to his work and there was AP #2 on October 19. I played it calm and pretended I didn't know anything just to see him sweat. (I didn't know until later it was in the EA stages)

I spend the entire day on October 20 making the memory videos for my family member. I was emotionally exhausted.

I came down the stairs to him sitting in the living room watching TV and I said "I was doing ok until I met the bitch."

I laid out everything I had and demanded his phone.

He confessed to everything. He ended up in my living room floor a sobbing mess, begging me for forgiveness. I made him call AP 2 and end it. Also made him unfriend and block her on social media. It had been over with AP 1 for several years.

He became physically ill. Ended up in the hospital on October 23. Doctor said it was stress related. On November 6, he too and passed a lie detector test.

We seem to be doing ok. I still have bad days. I've got two grieving processes going, one for what I thought was a perfect marriage, and one for my deceased loved one. It's been a hell of a 7 month time span.

I asked him if he loved me and he replied, “Yes, of course I do”.

Then I told him that I “know” what has been going on, and that I needed him to tell me about it.

He spilled everything. I was stunned. When he told me how long it had been going on, I threw up.

I gave him an out. I said “You must really be in love with her”

He looked shocked and said “No!”

I saw a text conversation on his iPad, that was ALWAYS left right in our kitchen. I had a few days to figure out what I was going to do as he was going overseas for business. The day he came home, I had taken the kids to stay overnight at a friend's place. He still didn't clue in that anything was wrong even though it was a school night. I walked over and picked up the iPad and just said "You need to start talking and you've got one shot to get it right." He told me everything from day 1. It was a 15 year LTA with a married coworker. He apologized a bazillion times during the "telling" and asked me what I wanted to do. That was 3 and a half years ago! I guess I was "lucky" (that doesn't sound right) from the stand point that there was no denial, gaslighting or TT and has been completely open and transparent any time I ask about anything.

With lots of work (from both of us), we're recovering and building a new marriage! It's certainly not easy but not much is!