SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with curious9

Serve her divorce papers and tell her you need closure too.

Now I'm supposed to bury it and try to make it work again

Burying it is the same thing as buying yourself a ticket for DDay #3. Ask yourself honestly, are you okay with going through this a 3rd time? Can you live happily married with your WW back stabbing you every now and then?

If not, then you have to make some big changes. Lay down the law with her and tell her she has to give you the details, give you access to her devices and accounts, go to IC, and whatever else you can think of. A polygraph. Rules about going out. Having to tell other people the truth about what she did. Whatever you want. And if she won't, then you will be getting ready for D because that's where this is headed if she won't commit to R with you.

I never judge I was a cheater in my early 20's and I know the damage it causes. Maybe I'm just nervous about the other side. I don't know anything else. I'm not the type of guy to be alone, just not my scene

When you're tied down to a faithless partner, you're already alone. And apt to stay that way too since you're not free to find a better partner.

I'm going to say something which might seem a bit counter-intuitive just now, but here it is... You need to forgive yourself for your youthful adultery, fully and completely.

What your wife did and what you did are two very different things. When we're very young, even though our governments believe we're old enough to go to war, the prefrontal cortex of the brain is still immature. That's where we find the judgment center. Our hormones are also at maximum supply. Add to that the fact that you'd served in wartime, which can aggravate stress response. You can see the recipe for disaster, right? And if your wife was also under age 25 or so, you can say most of the same things about her.

But fast forward, and you've got a fully mature brain, a more moderate level of hormones, and you're relieved of the wartime stress response. The result is a 20+ year history of faithfulness and actions aligned with values.

You begin to see the difference. Your WW has a fully developed prefrontal cortex, yet her judgment is immature. Her hormone levels are on the decline (and she may even be approaching menopause)so the desire to mate is unlikely to be biological. She's still married to you but recently cheating, so her actions are NOT in line with stated values. She's messed up.

I think it might be easier for you in some ways to continue making it an even comparison, so you can entertain R and not have to deal with your WW being in the one-down in terms of equality. But it is NOT an equal thing right now. Maybe it was when you were both in your early 20's, but it isn't today. And she's not a safe candidate for R unless she is able to address and effectively change her character. Her actions are not in line with her stated values. That's a character problem, not a marital one.

So, she IS in the one-down. And R needs to be on YOUR terms (if it happens at all), otherwise it won't stick.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:15 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Sorry Rock, been working..

Firstly, you need to really reevaluate whether the relationship is worthwhile, and safe for you going forward. Currently it is overshadowed by a dark cloud caused by your wife's affair. Will this cloud be remedied? Can you be able to get over it? Will she be safe as a loving, trustworthy wife? No hopium either?

If you dont trust either of you to be able to clear this cloud.. then best let it go..

Things that will help you see if she is able to do the work.

1. Remorse..not regret. Remorse(a deep sorrow) for what her and her actions have caused, and a willingness to rectify in what ever is needed to help heal.

2. Honesty. To you in her conversations, actions, and feelings.

3. Taking the lead in helping do the work of recovery. Finding appropriate material to help both of you recover. IC to help sort out her issues.

Looks like you two are going to need to really sit and have a heart to heart whither this marriage is workable. She needs to be honest to you in what has caused her to rupture your marriage the way she has. Honesty is really the best policy in this. You both need to realize that the marriage may not sustainable. She needs to be totally honest if it is an exit affair. And you may friend need to be prepared to allow her to leave, and for you to look ahead to better days.

Hope this helps.

Run. Just run. Kids will understand someday and will be fine. It sucks. This woman isnt your wife anymore. She has been doing this to you for over a year.

Get a lawyer and get out of infidelity. If she somehow miraculously gives you full disclosure, goes to ic, expresses true remorse you can stop it.

Start your healing.

So this is technically the 3rd time she's cheated?? She is not going to change. You did and put the work in. She didn't. Time to find someone worthy of you.