SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HELLO no. Time for a new MC. "Replace Positive with Negative" is rudimentary counseling 101 at best and not an appropriate response to this. How much experience doe this person have? I agree with the others. DUMP. HER.

Rather than framing the question as why my H decided to have affairs, I have had more success in asking how it was that he became a person who felt that the way to get his emotional needs met was to lie to and deceive me. For me the sex piece was less devastating than the prolonged deception, and that was truly the piece that I feared going forward. I think this approach to the question really has forced my husband to confront deeper issues like character, integrity and whatever FOO leftovers he brought to our marriage. Maybe what you need is a therapist who can lead him in this direction- or truly, maybe he needs an IC who can help him with this work.

In order to move forward.... You can't keep bringing it up

I'd tell her just before I fire her, that, you can't start to heal until you understand and know what you are healing from. This therapist is a quack, and clearly not qualified to deal with infidelity or trauma.

Good for you for choosing to not go to therapy w/ you H until he does some real work and keep working on yourself.

You are strong, and brave, and fierce. You will heal from this with or without him.

Remember this. It won't always hurt this bad.

This sounds like the advice they give out at marriage builders. (Basically get all the details, then never speak of it again. Once you are meeting each others needs, you won't care about the affair). I don't that is realistic advice. How do you know you have all of the details? Liars lie a lot.

Most marriage councilors are crap.

It seems the standard view is the past is the past and cannot be changed so focus on the future. Find out the need not being met that MADE them cheat.

Bullshit.

It is simple. They cheat because they want to do it and feel entitled to do it. Simple.

Most marriage councilors are crap.

In their defense, their job is saving the M, not fixing the individual problems of the clients. That's why IC is recommended for infidelity before MC.

Ok.

So, the "reasons" on the list are reasons. Of course they are not to be made as excuses.

Are you really looking for him literally make a statement in the way of "I did it because I wanted to and didn't care what the consequences are". Because, really, isn't that the reason people cheat?

Could it be he has confeased but hasn't actually spoken the words of ownership of his affair and that's what you are looking for? There will never be any generic reason why he did it where you'll say "oh, I get it now..you cheated because xxxx. It all makes sense."

Not a fan of your MC. The MC seems to be stuck in 1980s thought process regarding A. The reasons why people cheat are so much deeper than sex or porn or any of the items they listed.

The questions should be, why did he need porn? Why did he need validation? Why did stressors in life reveal his vulnerabilities?

A great counselor is worth their weight in gold.

I don’t feel satisfied by what my WH and our psychologist have settled on as “reasons for him straying”

These are their Reasons cited for his cheating...

As per psychologist- Here is list of contributory things identified in his sessions:

-Sex

-sexual excitement/fantasy

-Porn

-Feeling inadequate

-Low self esteem - hence feeling flattered and getting hooked in when someone flirts with him - which may have opened the door

-Work stress and not communicating it

-Having small children and the changes within the marriage that accompany that

-Not choosing right (from wrong)

-not thinking about the consequences actions may have on others

These are what has been identified by our psychologist. At the end of the day. She says I have got the answer now and should stop digging as she says- There are usually lots of contributing factors - but it doesn't change the action.

I however feel like this list is so superficial and doesn’t make him dig any deeper. On a personal level. I don’t know. Or does this explain why and no need to dig deeper?

As a graduate Psyche major specializing in Marital /Intimate relationships, all of the above are "things" that many people experience in a devoted relationship. Anyone can "suggest" what's wrong, but ultimately it's up to the couple to address the perceived whatever. I have a hard time when I read a therapist merely stating (subjectively) what's wrong, yet has no plan per se. Imagine being in a therapy session and the counselor says: this is wrong...that is wrong...etc. No shit- something is wrong, now give us your supposed acumen as to how to correct it.

My point was this...."when people show you whom they are, then believe them". Otherwise...and what is often the scenarios here, it is beyond me how one can spend so much time in a reasonably happy relationship and then one bolts without affording the partner an explanation...a reason...a human reaction to blowing off a person who was involved with you. It is beyond my understanding. And I can imagine those (perhaps like myself) who were abruptly left with no adult -like (often a joke) explanation.Whether as a courtesy...an understanding that "something" happened, a human feeling that a person did "something" to another.

The latter seems to be a joke as of late and yet I will NOT offer any apathy. All have legitimate grievances and am well aware that many are treated incorrectly and/or simply made a mistake. And no one will ever blame a person for making a mistake, yet those who take advantage of others, I will forever be one who despises that, detests it, and ultimately will sift through all of this and countless others blogs.

Nonetheless.....all of you whom are abused, then render your palce for now. And this hopefully will pass. And if not so, then I or anyone who would take such a route, then OK and I am too tired now. Nonetheless- the bast to all that read here

I'm sorry...the "best" is what I meant...often not enough consolation, yet one "should" determine when to throw in the towel. And I never did so, yet one determines that what you are doing is way more than your SO. And then....you decide whether both can repair the situation. And "if" both agree, then it is reparable. There is NO way to "fix" something wrong when only one (and not both)cares to do something positive, yet the other is silent.

And I know it sucks....it sucked for me in many ways.One has to decide (or perhaps should) whether their life is being unjustifiably and blatantly affected.I understand those with children involved and I have every understanding as to those factors.And yes- it sucks....inasmuch as I never had children, I can imagine ALL of the scenarios.

Do not let anyone control you.....have any influence, nor use any children as pawns. And those are the ones (children) who suffer from these and others' stories.

Nonetheless...I get it...all in their own affinity, yet casting off to those who are not familar with US laws.

So in asking my WH to dig deeper as to “why” (on a character level)

He just starts reading loads and googling etc.

Next conversation we have is almost google search verbatim... he has “attachment disorder” and pushes anyone away so he doesn’t get close.

Honestly.

This process is so painful already and now getting dragged out even more.

this is so familiar.. all the reasons listed were the reasons that our MC/IC gave us in 2002.. making wrong decisions.. not sure that WS ever looked deeply into the why.. I know that I had a quote I used a lot .. "An honorable person is honorable even when alone"..Know that we had many discussions around being honorable..

In the past hour I again grilled yelled ..at WS on his behavior.. he doesn't know why he let himself do the things he did .. WS said he didnt have anymore ONS. ... he had his wife and his "friend".. called their relationship a friendship and didn't tell her he loved her until 11 years ago when she sent him a phone and they could chat all the time.. then the sex started again.. He is in IC and I hope that they can get to why he crossed the line. again....

How about "I'm positive I can't move forward in R until I understand what WH was thinking and why he decided to betray the M, BS, his vows, his family, etc."?

The MC is essentially pushing you to rugsweep, so your WH has an advocate. YOU are being the problem. Obviously, this is totally backwards.

Another positive, "WH is not making me feel positive, as he is not taking steps to make me feel safe in this relationship and rebuild the trust that he destroyed."

We could probably come up with a lot of other "positives" for your next session.

Attachment disorders begin in early childhood. Usually at birth. Anything that interferes with bonding robs the baby of forming deep attachments. Does your husband love anyone? Does he show empathy? If he is deficient in these he has a very long battle which he might never win.

He needs a thorough evaluation by a psychologist who can give you both some answers. Therapy only works on those who want it to. He might be too closed off for that.