SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are in r but if he ever does it again, I won’t even give him a chance to try to apologize, I will go straight to a divorce lawyer and have him served.

If he is capable of seeing me go through this and dies it again, I will know that he really doesn’t give a shit about me and I will be done.

If I find out there were more ap’s before dday and he is still lying to me, I will be done then also. He has had many opportunities to own up to all his betrayals and if I find out he is still lying to save his own ass, I will know that there is no change in him and I will be finished.

I think healing from multiple As is essentially the same as healing from a single A. There's just more betrayal to process.

I think healing for any BS starts with recognizing the cheating is on the WS, not on the BS or the M. The WS chose to cheat. Neither the BS nor the M 'made' him/her do it.

Healing also involves processing the grief, anger, fear, and shame out of your body. The alternative is to stuff/suppress it, and that keeps it in your body, ready to come out in nasty ways at inopportune times.

That means facing the pain, not dodging it. It may sound terrifying. It may be terrifying at first. OTOH, it's something human beings are fully capable of doing, and it leads to feeling good. The trick is that being betrayed brings a lot of pain down on the BS, so it takes more time to process the pain than anyone thinks it should.

Giving up the outcome helps a lot. You can heal whether you D or R. If your WS won't do the work of R, s/he'll delay your healing and add to your pain.

My stbxw had multiple A. I did rugsweep it and tried my best to be the best Husband and father I could. I did all the chores, worked my ass off, got the kids to school and sports, cooked every night etc. In the end I filed D, waiting on the courts. I think it is harder having multiple ddays since I buried A lot of my trauma from the past ddays deep inside. This last one was icing on the cake (oh how she loved to have her cake and eat it too)! In my experience multiples are worse but I never had just one so. The most traumatic thing to happen to me over and over is truly a blessing as I am detached and have clarity! Forgiving after multiples, I did, maybe in the wrong way and that's ok, I can't change the past of how I handled it. Not all WS are like mine so the ones that do change and willing to put in the work I applaud you, serial cheaters in my book will never change though.

This is so difficult. I feel your pain. You may end up forgiving your spouse for these multiple A's, but the question you may want to ask yourself is do you want to stay with that person in a long-term relationship? Can you build up trust again? If a spouse refuses to honor your marriage by staying faithful, I'm not sure that they are committed to the marriage or to you. Have you considered going to IC and exploring your feelings in more detail and get some guidance in making some decisions for your future? Sometimes when the ship is sinking, it's time to put on the life jacket and get in the lifeboat. I know this is painful. I am wishing you all the best.

I never thought I would forgive multiple cheating but here I am. He has not cheated since D-day though and he was the one that came to me and told me everything. He didn’t have real long term affairs or feelings but talked to several woman and was physical a couple times with multiple ones over the course of 5 years. He wanted to go to counseling and figure out what caused him to do these things, he was SO willing to do whatever he could to fix us. Through counseling we figured out that he was probably just using it as an outlet for a terrible past (he is only 30 and has PTSD from the army, being a policeman and having cancer). He didn’t process any of the bad things that happened to him and felt so down on himself he used woman as a ‘pick me up’ for himself and he liked the attention and compliments he got. Considering he decided to get help and bc we had a great marriage I decided to stay and work it out with him. He truly has changed for the better. It would be hard if a spouse cheated after d-day though knowing the pain it causes. It did take a couple times of my husband disclosing info before he finally felt comfortable and realized he truly needed to tell me everything. I think every situation is different and you just need to watch your spouse and see how committed he is to you and getting help and finding out what you need. Also how committed he is so finding out the cause behind his behavior. Sending hugs your way!

My H had two affairs. First was an EA of 4 years. Rug swept and he completely denied it. I knew it went on. It was obvious.

15 years later. A mid life crisis Affair. Now this started as an EA but they did kiss and I believe there was other sexual contact. The OW/AP said to me and in emails they didn’t have intercourse (not that it matters) but he was in her apartment. Whatever.

The last A had two ddays and false reconciliation. Yup yup yup - I had it all. Walked in the door one day (DDay2) and out of the blue wants a D. Blindsided yet again. Prior week we are reconciled and had a wonderful week. Then boom 💥!! I get ILYBNILWY Speech.

We reconciled. It’s been 5 years. And he is not that cheating guy he was. He makes amends every day. I see it. He now does everything he can to make me feel like I am #1 in his life.

People can change. If. They. Want. To.

And my H wanted to. Because I was not standing in his way to D me and be with the OW. Quite honestly I was emotionally done with all of it. DDay2 it was time to jump ship and save myself. Sounds selfish but I had no choice. 6 months of living hell and it was time to get out.

It is unfair to make generalizations that ALL cheaters continue to cheat. There are recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, over eaters, people with eating disorders - you get the point.

Those who have reconciled happily can attest to the commitment to change by the cheater. It is a choice they can make. If the cheater wants to.

How did I move past it? It’s not easy. But I remind myself every day that he’s not the guy who cheated on me 5 years ago. He’s not that arrogant selfish person any more. He has acknowledged many times that he knows he screwed up - not just by cheating but other things. Is he perfect? No.

Neither am I. I have not cheated but I made some mistakes in the marriage though they are nowhere near his level but you forgive. You change. You work as a team. You develop a better relationship in some ways. You go to church and ask for forgiveness. You don’t hold a grudge. You don’t live in the past.

And you learn that only you are responsible for your own happiness. No one else.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:51 AM, April 25th (Thursday)]

The problem is he's staying at his mom's because I kicked him out 3 months ago for talking to other women...he has admitted to meeting up with another women and kissed. Now he's not sleeping at his mom's some night so he's probably continuing cheating but the problem is he lies so much I can't believe what he says anymore. I have already said if you don't want to come to joint counseling with me and be a faithful husband then tell me you want a divorce and you will be free of me...I never get an answer.

30year

Face the fact he is a coward. He doesn’t have the guts to tell you the truth.

So you need to tell him the truth.

Why are you letting him control your life? You can take the reins and tell him you have given it 3 months, have not seen a change or a commitment to the marriage and it’s time to make some hard decisions. Whatever they may be.

You should not feel guilty if you end up Divorcing. He has left you with no choice. If he’s at his parents’ house and still cheating - you cannot be expected to wait around forever.

Keep posting here. We will provide some support to you where we can.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:26 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

My WH circumstances are a little different than most. He was sexually abused as a child and kept it quiet. He got away for many years from the sexual abuse but the verbal degrading and abuse continued into adulthood where it got violent one night with a gun to his head forcing him to perform oral sex to a 60 year old scumbag and he a 40-something year-old man..long story short he kept it quiet again and was bullied and threatened and blackmailed by this animal for several more years until once again he was able to get out of the man's environment and has not been.

He kept it a secret a deep dark secret for several years until one day he just admitted to me what had been going on and needless to say I was absolutely devastated... I was horrified that he would allow something to happen to him and not tell me but he said he never felt like he could trust me and that killed me.. I had him go get counseling where he has been since December 2017 but that just seems to make things worse because two months later he has an affair and a year later he's back to have enough his so is the counseling helping him with his worthlessness...

So basically he was being blackmailed to perform oral sex on a regular basis and the animal used the weapon that he would tell me they were sexual lovers and it would destroy his life... needless to say since my WH has been in counseling the pain the shame the worthlessness the guilt anything you can imagine a person feeling after allowing themselves to be treated in such a way has caused these horrible feelings in him and he uses the attention from other women for validation and Escape from reality. This is why I feel I have to give him at least some time to figure himself out.

I stayed for my last child to graduate...he was close to doing so...

I learned Wh was a serial cheater.....I didn't forgive...nor did I believe him...

From my observation......Wh had zero remorse...I think cheaters who cheat more then once, lack remorse...they certainly don't get it...

Wh cheated because it was exciting..he never intended to stop...He never meant to be caught...some cheaters choose this as a way of life...it was not a way of life for me.

How do you know your spouse will stop? does he have remorse? why are you staying past 2? What is your boundary? affair 3? affair 4? you have to have a boundary....Make known these boundaries...stick by these boundaries....plan ahead...make plan B and be prepared for whatever you decide...you have to have a plan...he has already repeated. Making a mental and verbal threat is not enough....its words...Hes doesn't feel very threatened by it. He is not afraid of losing you.

Talk to an attorney...know your rights...plan your exit...just in case....its horrible to scratch out a life, when your in such distress, from A 3

I didn't want a D...I wanted to be married..I didn't want cheating in my marriage...I wanted to work it out...I wanted WH to be remorseful and never cheat again...I wanted my life...I wanted the future we planned...and with all my wanting.....Wh still cheated repeatedly....he thought I would never leave...and he was right...I kept waiting...and he kept cheating...cause he could. It was his alcoholism that finally ended it all....he left me...

Don't be me...

Even looking back, as I heal and move forward....I never wanted to be D at 60. WE were married 35 years... I loved my husband. I didn't want a new life....he had so many issues, it was impossible...sometimes, the decision is made for you. sometimes, you have you have to accept change is coming.

Now I work on, why I stood by...Yes, 35 years is a lifetime...a life worth working on...I still have to see this, and work on it....It was ugly a long time..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:14 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

I can’t. Maybe one day I will be there and that will be for me. In the meantime, I know that I had my first dday that I never have labeled as a dday when I found a pic and a Facebook message from one. That was eight years ago. I know that was not physical but likely would have been. My therapist at the time had no idea how to handle it. I kept going to counseling but it was rugswept because he talked his way out of it and my therapist did not help me to see reality. Four years later, I had the dday that brought me here. Multiple meetings with OW. So much uncovered. Years of promises and therapy and work. Guess what? Dday again in October. I can’t keep up. I don’t want to. I don’t have a way of escape right now and I’m likely as low as I’ve ever been. No job. Little support. IHS is hell. There is likely more I don’t know and never will. I caught three.