SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It was suggested I stay here vs the divorce forum. People there think he left because I’m mentally ill but that’s not it. He left because I cheated. He always said he wished he would have divorced me on d-day. It’s been 6 years and he never got over it. Even I thought a divorce would help. It would give him his choice back. Make sense? I don’t want a divorce no but I could see how it would help him heal.

It’s been a month and the kids say he’s miserable. He was happy the first week but that was it. I don’t think he’s unhappy because of me. He’s unhappy because of our kids. They are devastated and angry. They ignore him. I’ve seen the group chat. He texts and no one answers. My happiest kid won’t talk to him at all. He guilt trips them enough to go out to dinner once a week but that’s it.

I know I’m not supposed to ask this but have any betrayeds divorced and got back together?

I'm very sorry, root.

I urge you to keep working on your own healing. I know it's difficult. I know your H's leaving may make your work even more difficult. But the more you heal, the better for you and for those around you.

I don’t usually post in the WW forum but..I guess my question would be..How would you feel once again if the shoe was on the other foot. Your kids want almost nothing to do with you and you didn’t do anything wrong other than leave someone who caused it. I think you’d feel the same way he does. I’m sure depression would increase knowing your kids ignore you because you left. I feel for him as one father to another. Why are they angry at him? I’m guessing they don’t know about what you did maybe. I know my kids didn’t side with my wife once they knew what she had done. They still love her but would not have treated me that way. But to each their own..That being said, what are you doing to try to help him with this issue? Have you talked with your children and explained that treating their father that way isn’t right?

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 11:37 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I couldn’t leave my kids for this very reason. If he cheated I’d stay until they were adults. I just couldn’t do this to them. Oldest doesn’t sleep and his grades are dropping. Middle daughter is the most upset. My youngest defended him until he started treating her poorly and he’s lying to her (she caught on not me).

Did a mod ask you to stay out of the divorce forum, or another member? It was my understanding that we are allowed to post there if we are divorcing/were divorced.

Texas hunter has valid questions.

No, just tend to trigger and be mean so I stayed away. But when calm I have wanted to response. But seeing how the children have treated him because of him leaving has me upset for him. Just wanted to know why they would treat him so poorly. I am a father of 4 boys with a wife who cheated. I would die having my children treat me that way. Knowing their mother was the one who drove me to leaving for her actions. I can only hope that She can maybe talk to them. Should I be in those shoes I couldn’t have lived with myself should my children had done that to their mother for something I caused. I can’t speak for all men , but for me had my children treated me this way after what their mother had done..during that time I may have been even more willing to end my life. One thing to have a cheating spouse..another to have your children hate/ turn their back on you because of that spouse..I’m concerned for her husband is all..I know where he is..please Root try to make this right at least for him..he doesn’t deserve anymore pain then he has already gotten.

[This message edited by Texashunter41 at 11:58 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Did a mod ask you to stay out of the divorce forum, or another member? It was my understanding that we are allowed to post there if we are divorcing/were divorced.

I don't know if a mod asked her, but no poster said she couldn't post on the D/S forum. Someone suggested she might get better advice on the wayward forum, because some of the things she posted were kind of confusing/contradictory, and many of the posters weren't familiar with her previous posts as they might be over on this forum.

For example, here she posted,

People there think he left because I’m mentally ill but that’s not it. He left because I cheated.

but in a previous post over on D/S, Root said,

The online thing was plutonic. BH knew about him. I confided with him so slippery slope. I took that dang quiz in not just friends many times. Even BH agreed that I didn’t cheat. He got over that quickly. It was the before marriage that got him. He says I lied about my number but it was 5 why would I lie about that? His is 2 and he thinks the man should have more experience. This turned into an inquisition where he dug into everything I’ve ever done. He said I had 2 other ONS before he met me and that’s bad. Thing is one was a long time friend. It didn’t work we were better friends so it didn’t happen again. The other was a guy I dated for a few months. He dumped me before we had sex again.

I put EA in my signature because I get better advice that way. Besides plutonic opposite sex is confusing.

Also, Root asked why her BH wasn't happy about divorcing, like he should be leaving his attorney's office singing and dancing, instead of being upset and I think a lot of BS's were kind of triggered by a (maybe? I'm honestly confused if/how you cheated based on what you wrote above?) wayward being confused why their betrayed spouse isn't happy about a failed marriage and divorce.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:05 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I couldn’t leave my kids for this very reason. If he cheated I’d stay until they were adults. I just couldn’t do this to them. Oldest doesn’t sleep and his grades are dropping. Middle daughter is the most upset. My youngest defended him until he started treating her poorly and he’s lying to her (she caught on not me

I understand because I am doing the same thing. What I can tell you is that it’s way harder than you think...staying with someone who destroyed you and your love for them is hell.

I could be wrong but I bet if you told him that he would say “but those kids didn’t stop you from having an A..” I know this because I said the same thing to my WW. He is in a bad place, now there is no excuse for his behavior towards the kids..but again he is in a lot of pain and I’m more than sure that with him making the move to leave it has even doubled. I could be wrong..I just say it out of knowing how I would feel.

My advice would be to encourage the kids to have a relationship with him. It's in their best interests, regardless of what you feel is in his best interests or yours. When kids are estranged with a parent because "they think he's bad" it begins a seed of "maybe I am bad too". I have read a lot about this because I am not just a parent, but also a step-parent and they cover this concept in many divorce books. Your kids need both of you, even if they are mad at one of you. I would encourage them to see that no one is right, no one is wrong, and certainly that it's not their responsibility to worry about it. Tell them that you don't want them to be mad at their dad, that you both love them very much and are navigating an already difficult situation. They can't be held as allies for either one of you during this situation, it will have a negative impact on them. The two of you have to create their stability, not rely on them to create either of your own.

[This message edited by hikingout at 12:19 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Did a mod ask you to stay out of the divorce forum, or another member? It was my understanding that we are allowed to post there if we are divorcing/were divorced.

Darkness Falls, she is absolutely allowed to post in D/S.

The mistakes my husband is making right now is lying, taking his anger out on them, yelling, then trying to pretend nothing has changed. Like let’s go out for ice cream. Yay!! He sweeps their feelings under the rug. They say he’s fake and annoying. He has bailed on them twice and lied about it. I have no control over what he does but I’m not going to encourage my kids to hang out while he’s acting this way. My daughter said she doesn’t want to go because he yells at her. He’s lying to my youngest daughter too. She knows it but can’t prove it just yet. It took him 5 days to come up with a good enough lie to shut her up.

I suspect he’s lost his oldest daughter. He just doesn’t know it yet. This is the one that’s killing him. This is our happiest kid so when she’s upset it’s devastating.

[This message edited by Root at 12:35 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

What is he lying to them about?

What is he yelling about?

When the kids come to you to complain about their father, how do you respond?

How old are the kids?

Do you have any empathy for him?

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:33 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Root, can you give examples of the lies? You mentioned it over on the D/S forum, but (iirc) or was under a post where you were upset that he had been planning on moving out/divorcing and getting his ducks in a row first, so it was implied that you felt lied to by his actions and possibly that he was seeing someone else. What lies has he been telling your children? How much do they know about the situation? Is it possible that some of the lies were things like canceling plans with DD because he had a lawyer meeting and didn't want to say that?

Edited to add:

taking his anger out on them, yelling, then trying to pretend nothing has changed. Like let’s go out for ice cream. Yay!!

I'm a BS and this is definitely something I've struggled with post d-day. I have a much shorter fuse, am much more frazzled, and yell more than I used to. I feel awful about it. When it happens, I, too, am guilty of being tempted to placate the situation with ice cream or some other treat. Although I have gotten better about it, apologizing, explaining that I'm just frazzled/upset about something else, and that I shouldn't have yelled.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:38 PM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Was he like this before? If so I get it then..

It’s crazy how an A can destroy absolutely everything about ones life. This is all the fallout..this is what an A cost.

I can honestly say I was a bit guilty of avoiding my kid for a bit. But it was more of me not wanting to see me struggling with my new life I had been given. I was also drinking a lot and couldn’t always control my emotions. I feel that would have made things worse. It was bad enough for them to see how I changed because of mom..I was in a weird damage control.

I just read some of your posts in the divorce forum.

You and the kids have never been closer. And you mention "we think" when discussing his behavior.

It comes off as you enjoying the fact that the kids seem to have sided with you,and you are discussing not only their feelings about their father,but your feelings about his behavior as well. It comes off as if you're all ganging up on him,and you like it.

I guess my point was...

You do have the power to bridge things a little better for their sake. If you endeavored towards wanting to fix this you can communicate with your husband on what the kids are upset about, encourage him to apologize and to try again. And, you can say to the kids "your dad has been emotional, and has been making some mistakes, he wants you to talk to him. I think you should consider it".

As the mother, often we have to do those sorts of things to patch things up within our families. Just make sure that you aren't encouraging their strong feelings by your actions or words, that they don't feel they have to choose sides, and that you aren't hoping that he will see he will lose them if he doesn't come back to you.

If you don't feel that way, great. But, I think it reads at least a little like that. Keep their best interests in the forefront and let that guide your behavior. It's in their best interest for you to at least try and help diffuse this. I am not asking you to help him, I get you have your own feelings about that. But, this turmoil needs to be held away from the kids as much as you can possibly manage.

He’s lying to me too. I mean come on I’ve known him for 30 years. I’m hesitant to give details so I’ll make something up. My daughter asked him to do something. He didn’t answer her texts so she persisted. He’d tell her the dog ate his charger, his computer was broken, on and on for 5 days. Then he did it but it’s a lie. He’s going to tell her dang the store went out of business. He bailed on her another night saying he had to go home and wash his hair. Bailed on our son by saying oops I lost my phone. So you couldn’t pick up another phone? Lie lie lie.

Told me I’m only doing this for one thing yet I get notifications so another lie. He’s lying about where he’s living. We don’t think there is anyone else we think it’s something to guilt trip us on. My son figured this out before I did. He told the kids I burned all his clothes. Wait what? He took them all and they know this. Again making things up to give you an idea.

For example, here she posted,

People there think he left because I’m mentally ill but that’s not it. He left because I cheated.

but in a previous post over on D/S, Root said,

The online thing was plutonic. BH knew about him. I confided with him so slippery slope. I took that dang quiz in not just friends many times. Even BH agreed that I didn’t cheat. He got over that quickly. It was the before marriage that got him. He says I lied about my number but it was 5 why would I lie about that? His is 2 and he thinks the man should have more experience. This turned into an inquisition where he dug into everything I’ve ever done. He said I had 2 other ONS before he met me and that’s bad. Thing is one was a long time friend. It didn’t work we were better friends so it didn’t happen again. The other was a guy I dated for a few months. He dumped me before we had sex again.

I put EA in my signature because I get better advice that way. Besides plutonic opposite sex is confusing.

I don't find this contradictory, her husband is leaving her because she had a ONS when they were dating. Root putting the OEA in her signature, when her husband has agreed it was not an affair, is another issue altogether and probably because Root needs to work on her self esteem and prefers to get 2x4 advice.

Root - I think the D/S forum is a good place for you. I think you need to let your attorney do what you are paying her for. Things are going to go better for you once you accept that the marriage is over.

I do agree with HikingOut that you should encourage the kids to have a better relationship with their dad and make sure they understand that they do not have to take a side.

There’s a thing called iPhones. Most of this is off my radar. When they come home I’m not even in the room and I hear them say they hated it. One morning I was leaving for work and they were trying to get out of going with him. I just found out he group texts them and none of them answer. These are teenagers not little kids.