SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From the other end of this subject, as a BS that attempted R only to go thru a year of false R, I could never EVER attempt R ever again bc I'd feel she was getting away with it if I did.

For me, right now, there's only one consequence for a cheater: D.

I wish i could go back and tell young me to never even talk to her.

That would be a good thread,

“What would you tell younger you?”

To younger me: if twice in your relationship you suspect them of cheating but have no concrete proof, you'll probably actually catch them cheating one day.

I think part of the problem is no-fault states. Make the laws consistent throughout the country where in cases of proven infidelity the BS gets everything 100% period, the WS loses everything 100% period, and the WS has to pay the BS full child support (gender or 'stay-at-home' doesn't matter) until the kids are out of college and full spousal support for the number of years married or until death whichever is less, regardless of what their earning potential is. That might cause a drop in the percentage of infidelity. :)

I agree with this 100%....you’d either see more divorces or marriages being rebuilt instead...I know if that was what my WW knew she would face she would have worked on the marriage or just D instead for sure..

This is a great discussion. In my opinion there is no question that having an affair is easier today, due to technology. If you are looking for trouble, it's way easier to find it. Also because of technology, it's way easier to get caught. Hundreds of calls and electronic messages are going to get stumbled on eventually.

Do they get away with it? I think they do, but it isn't necessarily about money or stuff. I've been divorced for 27 years. My EX went on to marry OW. They are still together. They were both cheaters prior to their affair, so it didn't matter to either of them that they were marrying a cheater or that they both continued to cheat. I suppose they're happy, but it's really none of my business. I'm not bitter about their lives.

I am bitter, to an extent, about my life. Growing up I always imagined I'd be a good wife, married to a good man and I'd grow old with someone. He took that from me. Sure, I could try and find someone else. I've had a few relationships since, none of them successful and one down right scary.

But truth be told there is now something missing in me. The part of me that used to look for the best in a potential mate has been replaced with an instinctive mistrust. I look for red flags immediately. I measure men differently. In some ways that's healthy. But if I'm going to be brutally honest with myself, it's more about me being unwilling to risk being wrong again. It hasn't served me well. I'm alone, and although I have a wonderful daughter and grand kids, its not the same as having that special person in your life that you share everything with.

So yes, he got away with it. He's growing old with someone. He hasn't had to change one bit. He never wanted to change. His philosophy was that he should be able to have as many women as he can afford to spend money on.

I on the other hand will never be the same.

This point flummoxed me for a long time in recovery. She got to have all the fun. She got the excitement of a new relationship. She got the dopamine rush from the limerence. She got to fuck strange and new. I just got fucked...

And that for me was the hardest pill to swallow. I tell my fWW this all the time (I know I shouldn't), but while I was working my ass off to give her and our son a decent home she was boinking the associate pastor at our church. She got to have all the ego kibbles and hot Dom/Sub sex she could get while I was clueless. So yeah, she had lots of fun at my expense.

She was forgiven by her church family, and in some respects her social esteem grew because now she is seen as some sort of role model for other women and men at the church who have strayed. She actually was asked to speak at a marriage recovery conference a few months ago. Sheesh.

As for what she has paid? Well she knows my trust in her is irrevocably destroyed. She knows I no longer admire or respect her as much as I did before the A. Now I don't know how much those things mean to her, because I don't think she has that much self awareness. I think she understands it on an intellectual basis, but I don't think it affects her that much emotionally.

I think a lack of self awareness is what many WSs have in common, and when they lose the respect and trust of their spouses, I have to think it doesn't affect them too much.

Numb&dumb

Not really quite sure what you meant by him being the source of my moods. Do I get annoyed if he's being a dick? Yes, why shouldn't I? If he's acting weird around a triggering date for me, which I never point out dates to him, I find it more than coincidental and yes I get suspicious. Suspicions lead to anxiety.

Bottom line is I gave him another chance, what he does with it will determine my response and my future plans. I don't want to say he disappoints me because I have come to expect certain behaviors due to his narcissism. But rather it is becoming a source of strength. Letting go of expectations is big for me. He will never be the man I wanted or expected. I know that.

LivingWithPain

I get how you feel. As I was left with all child care responsibilities, all the household chores, laundry etc. he was having a blast with her. As I was washing underwear he had put back on after fucking her sometime during the week. As I went to IEP meetings, school functions, doctor appts for my son, taking my mom to specialists and on and on. Doing all the mundane things adulthood is comprised of he was having a teenage dream. It infuriates me.

When you realize you were putting your effort to your marriage and family while your spouse was in fantasyland you feel like a fool.

This point flummoxed me for a long time in recovery. She got to have all the fun. She got the excitement of a new relationship. She got the dopamine rush from the limerence. She got to fuck strange and new. I just got fucked...

Stolenyears

It’s what haunts me every day since DDay. She got away with it I feel. There is no justice. Whether you R or D. The BS gets a life sentence they have to live with for a crime they didn’t commit.

Mene

The above are examples of why I recommended D and living together to improve R. The WS has paid a concrete price.

For example you're in R and look at your WS having fun at a family event. You realize that they’re in the same spot doing the same thing they would have been doing if they never cheated. You resent it. Do you remind them of their affair and spoil the moment?

If you’re divorced you can look at them knowing that you’re no longer married and let it pass.

Most people today live together before marriage. It’s a trial run and if it’s great you upgrade to marriage. After the WS demonstrates that they can’t handle that level of trust why is it impossible to downgrade them back to boyfriend or girlfriend?

It’s like getting a promotion with more responsibility at work. Then you demonstrate that you can’t handle it. Do they have to choose between keeping you as a supervisor and firing you? There is a third option. They can give you your old job back.

The WS will know that if they cheat again you can just walk. That might motivate them more to not cheat.

If everything goes great you can remarry them.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:17 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

LivingWithPain

I get how you feel. As I was left with all child care responsibilities, all the household chores, laundry etc. he was having a blast with her. As I was washing underwear he had put back on after fucking her sometime during the week. As I went to IEP meetings, school functions, doctor appts for my son, taking my mom to specialists and on and on. Doing all the mundane things adulthood is comprised of he was having a teenage dream. It infuriates me.

When you realize you were putting your effort to your marriage and family while your spouse was in fantasyland you feel like a fool.

Yeah it hurts to know you mean so little to them. That's my biggest peeve with my fWW. She says she's going to fight every day to re-win my love.

My question to her is "Well, since when was my love for you so important?" She still doesn't get it really.

Charity, that resonates with me. Especially how they "never had to change". I feel like a battle worn husk sometimes. Even if my life is going fine and I learned some new skills for identifying problematic people, it came at the price of my naive beliefs about love and marriage actually meaning something. I was supposed to grow old with this person. Now I'm a cynical bastard. Her? She gets to keep jovially skipping and flicking pigtails around like Cindy Brady because she transitioned right into Next Life. Nothing changed for her besides dropping some dead weight she had no use for.