SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I apologize, MR. My bumping this thread had nothing to do with you.

I don't think I like to keep secrets, I just don't think I trust anyone enough to let them in and know the real me. If there's a difference between intimacy and sex, I've never had an intimate relationship because I keep portions of myself walled off.

I believe if you really want to stay married, you are going to have to find a way to invest in the relationship. Shirley Glass, Esther Perel, and others cite that one least invested in the relationship is most likely to cheat. This makes sense. In real estate, most lenders require a down-payment so the borrower is less likely to walk away from the asset if times get tough. Offering loans with no money down is what caused the financial crisis 10 years ago.

I'm not suggesting you sink everything you have into a marriage. After all, we do need to remain individuals with healthy boundaries. However, "walls" aren't designed to keep others out; they're created to keep ourselves in.

I wish you the best and hope you find peace.

MR,

Disclosure I am a BS.

I strongly encourage you to look into intensive experiential therapy. I think it’s something you could benefit from. There’s a lot to unpack with you it seems and other commenters have posted on the disconnect and your tone. It’s like you “get it” intellectually but your heart and essence hasn’t followed suit.

Breakthrough at Caron in Warnersville PA is one program.

Onsite in Cumberland Furnace, TN is another.

These are intensive weeklong immersive experiences.

To be blunt, you’re a mess. To expect you to even attempt to heal your family is unrealistic.

For a physical image: Let’s suppose you doused yourself in lighter fluid and lit a match and the area around you caught fire. That fire injured your husband, children, his GF, their children, and your and OMs family and friends some quite badly. You however have burns all over you. You can’t help heal them and rebuild anything until you’re out of intensive care. That would be futile.

I think you likely feel remorse to the extent that you can (which most people probably call regret) but you can’t feel true remorse because you can’t feel very deeply at all. You’re what the Brene Browns mean when they talk about the power of vulnerability. You won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable likely due to your background. But because you’re doing that, you’re also missing out on positive feelings too. And the lack of experiencing deep positive feelings keep you seeking brief surface feelings like ego kibbles that these waywards love so much.

Even if things won’t work out with your spouse you still need to work on yourself. You are a mother!!! How can you help your teen with these issues (and don’t discount how your behavior has influenced that and shaped her world view) if you aren’t able to connect deeply?? You say you love your husband and children. I say PROVE IT.

I’m not trying to pile on or toxic shame you here and I apologize if my message comes across as harsh. You asked for 2x4s. This was mine. If it’s too much PM me and I will delete it.

“The woods are lovely dark and deep but (you) have promises to keep and miles to go before (you) sleep”