SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don't you find it interesting that people requesting you to stop posting are also likely doing so to control?

More often than not, we try to control that which we fear.

Huh, I hadn't thought about it like that, but you're right. I've been trying to control life 100% out of fear forever.

I don't blame them though. I still don't feel confident that I should have put any of this out here.

The OM's GF does not know.

Why not? Isn't informing the OBS practically one of the ten SI Commandments*?

(*Okay, so there aren't actually SI Commandments, but it's one of the pieces of advice that pops up 24/7.)

Those aren't the words of a confident changed person. Those are the words of someone avoiding conflict. If we knew her real name back then, I have no doubt that many posters probably saw that or could see that. Her story isn't unique and a healthy BS could probably smell white knuckling from a mile away.

Deep breath...

I don't want to be defensive. I struggle greatly with that. Like I've posted prior, I now have a full time job that doesn't stop even on nights and weekends. It's flexible in lots of ways, not so much in others. It's not a great job for opening up your soul while on the clock.

I don't typically avoid conflict, but instead the opposite. I tend to be very assertive.

My name has been MR on here since day #1 in Aug of 2005. It's never been changed. There are old timers here that can verify.

You're 100% right with the white knuckling. That maybe why my BH struggled.

Everyone is encouraging professional help. This site isn’t a clinical and professional setting, which I believe MR would benefit more from. She has demonstrated that this venue doesn’t work for her.

I agree. It obviously didn't work the first time around. I don't plan to use this as*the* healing tool.

I'll be back to finish. It may be down the line, but I will be back.

I don't plan to impose on anything else here.

No one is 100% ready for divorce when filing. You'll never reach that stage. And the creeps who detach fully during the marriage without telling their partners are a special kind of scum-infidelity or no infidelity.

I certainly wasn't ready when I filed. You just bite the bullet. Your situation is untenable.

I think I was so scared to unearth the true me, the real reasons, digging up the past still sounds absolutely *horrid*. Now I'm going to have to do it, whether or not I stay married because I cannot go on like this. I've been a shell my whole life...literally for as long as I can remember.

MR, it looks like you are in a Catch-22 situation. If you cannot cede control, and let the IC do their work to help you, then you all the IC in the world will not be able to help you. You are setting yourself up for failure, by not wanting to fail.

You will never be able to sort out your life this way.

If you truly want to move forward, be it R or D, then the walls will need to come down, or you will be circling within the walls you have built up, going nowhere fast.

I also think that you are avoiding D, because you will feel like a failure at your M, so you delay this, even though it may be the best course of action (in the present circumstances).

Whatever course your poor BH and you take, I wish you all the best, just don't prolong any suffering for anyone.

I didnt say I thought mr was a sex addict. I said i was a sex addict at one time and MR is dealing with something like an addiction.

And whether you or a shrink think sex addiction is a clinically valid addiction doesnt change the fact that it is very real and yes an addiction.

More in a sec.

Ok. Here goes.

MR theres no way you can tell me you weren't sincere when you first posted here. You were. I know you. But as you've said you never dealt with the darkness underneath.

I think you were being honest in one layer of you but the other layers were still there. You were like a person with a broken leg that got healed wrong then tried to run. You broke again. The problem is we have divided hearts. Almost like multiple personalities. Broken pieces within. Those must be addressed with honesty. Unacknowledged and undealt with, they fester and our issues return.

We have to hit all the layers. And that takes time. They come up as events force them up. And then we have a choice. Deal with them or go back to minimizing. Excusing justifying. Lying to self. The old coping mechanisms.

That's why I said find the truth. Be ruthless. Deal with all the stuff. Honestly. I have more to say. But I get it. And I'm here. I'm praying for you. This isnt about who you're with it's about who you become. I think you see it. I'm rooting for you. Yes you can heal and grow. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Maia at 8:42 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

I haven't read all of this thread but I stalk Maia so I'll weigh in with my experience.

I had a hyper active sex life 13-17yo, multiple betrayals of my boyfriend (now husband) 17-24yo, a PA for a few weeks at 24yo. I went to IC for about 6 months, got a tidy and convincing explanation for the PA, and married my husband.

Then, 22 years of no infidelity, no temptation, no nothing. I was grossed out by men who approached me or had a loose approach to marriage. No signs of any problem on that front.

When I started interacting with AP (and not just interacting because he had been in my sphere for a few years prior, it was a certain type of interaction at a certain point in my history and marriage), the feelings were exactly like an addict. It went from 0-100 immediately. It was obsessive, compulsive, all-consuming. I would wake up thinking about him and think about him constantly. I would do anything to keep him engaged. I tried to cut it off several times, once after only a couple of weeks of EA, and white-knuckle through. I always caved. It was horrible. Exactly like a drug addict who couldn't stop or an alcoholic.

Maia's onion explanation is spot on. With the earlier PA, I had figured out one layer but left very dark areas untouched. They don't just go away.

ManyRegrets, you thought that man was safe because you had been safe around him before. I wasn't alarmed around my AP because I had known him for a while too. The minute I signaled vulnerability to him, he sensed an opportunity and took it. Probably the same thing for you. I'm now constantly alert around men. Actually, I'm not constantly alert, because I don't need to be friends with any man, and I don't need to interact socially with men, ever, unless it's with my husband. Why would I invite any of that into my life? It shows respect and commitment to my husband, keeps him from worrying, and keeps me safe. There are lots and lots and lots of nice women to be friends with!

ManyRegrets, I don't see that you are doomed forever, or a failure as a person, or that there is nothing you can do. You have another chance to figure out whatever you left unexamined the first time. And your life will be so much better afterwards.

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:24 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

ManyRegrets - I think I've found your BH's recent posts and sounds to me that he wants a D but can't pull the trigger. Just sayin'.

I would say wow...but I'm not super shocked.

OP, I hope you find peace and a safe way to wall yourself off from men like your husband as it is clear that you knowingly, willfully, and voluntarily, hurt them in the most violating ways.

Knowing this is the first true step.

If nothing else, you at least know who you are and that you aren't a safe partner.

The hard truth is that not everyone gets a happy ending in life. Not everyone is a good person. Not everyone is destined to be a nice person or have a good heart. Some people are just not safe to be around. In some cases it is drugs, violence, or similar. In yours, it is infidelity and betrayal.

Figure out how to protect the world from you and go forward. It took real courage to come here and open your story up to scrutiny. You should be proud of yourself for at least being willing to do that.

Good luck.

Sooooo,

This reads to me less like a personal issue with an infidelity and more like you don’t know who you are and are looking for ideas.

The part about you being able to manipulate professional mental health providers stands out. We’re trained to recognize what others might miss, to read what isn’t said. There’s intensive training that focuses solely on recognition and awareness of.....bullshittery from clients. If you truly think you’ve managed to deceive several and obfuscate who you really are, then that might be a starting part for your reflection..

I’d start by writing down some very serious questions to myself and answering one, in depth, each week. Keep it very private so you can be absolutely honest with yourself.

Do you really love him, or anyone? Do you feel a thrill from manipulation, do you feel grandiosity, superiority, entitlement, getting something over on others, etc... what do you feel now when thinking about specifics of your cheating? For example, my husband would vomit for the first few months after d-day when my pain flared hot. We’ve also had another couple go through the same issue as we were. That husband would get excited when talking about his cheating. Legit excited by the act of deceiving his wife, not the actual sex part. Sounds like you have to figure out who you are, and who you really want to be.

MR -

Ruthlessly journal lies you tell and uncover why. Also ruthlessly journal lies you believe (and why) and then replace w truth.

The unverbalized stuff is the biggest stuff. To detect the layers you have to pay attention to those unworded impressions and unworded thoughts under the first layer of thought. It's what people mean by the word ambivalent. When you feel two or three ways at once about something at the exact same time that's a red flag. That's a place to dig. They will oppose each other. Colossians 3:15 says in the amplified to let peace be an umpire. Sometimes listing all the desires you have in one big list honestly can be a big help. List them then go back and willfully choose the ones to act on and reject consciously. That's called setting your mind. Then you can see what's going on and explore whys.

It's really eye opening. The truth will set you free.

When you hit brokenness, the layers, in your heart the place will feel very young. You'll catch yourself, your inner voice, sounding like a little girl or young teen or whatever. That's another clue.

Healing is a spiral so sometimes it feels like you're going backward. You aren't. It's a spiral.

I think in most of those places I needed to grieve to heal. In some places I had to ask in prayer what was the truth. I remember the day I understood I really was dealing with abandonment. I saw a very clear vision of myself at 10 or 11 years old clinging to my daddy after one of his weekends screaming and crying and begging him not to take me back to my moms house. To my stepmonster.he did. He had to. But those sundays were a huge pool of abandonment in me. I couldn't even see it.

So when you hit a place just ask what's going on there. Wait for the answer. Itll come. Itll rise up.

I had to forgive my dad.grieve for the little girl. Forgive mom. Again.

It's a process. This is what it looks like.

As for the d, we've already worked it out. He gets the rental house because there's equity and affordable, we sell our family home and split the assets and custody 50/50. I don't want alimony or child support. We are both free to walk away, and honestly, we would both be fine financially. It's been talked about at length, we just can't seem to pull the trigger.

Pull it. For your husband's sake.

With your recent responses you pretty much admit it. You never did the real work. You never opened wounds or past hurts. You never changed your coping skills. You essentially rugswept. I am curious, if your husband didn't respond with anger...which clearly shows that things never reconciled and the truth is you just stopped posting...would you have had your second affair? You make a lot of excuses about having to avoid anger. The correction should be made. You just drifted away and stopped posting because you felt comfortable and white knuckling was easy at that point. You changed nothing. Nothing. Not your walls, not your coping mechs, not your needs. So, reconciling yourself first never even happened.

I don't typically avoid conflict, but instead the opposite. I tend to be very assertive.

You just admitted you avoid conflict?

but I do feel the need to escape when things get stressful.

I think it's based more out of fear. I'm scared to open old wounds and feel again, therefore, I steer it to more comfortable ground. I know it defeats the purpose.

terrified of anger. I was raised in fear in a very angry household and walked on eggshells waiting get screamed at or my ass beat. I withdrew and disappeared when I was scared...growing up and in my marriage. Again, obvious poor coping.

I think you need to see some truths about yourself. You do avoid conflict. You avoid a lot of stuff. Nothing is going to change till you choose to stop. If you had to take a breath to respond to my post, then sounds to me you have something to face and choose to face it.

The part about you being able to manipulate professional mental health providers stands out. We’re trained to recognize what others might miss, to read what isn’t said.

It stood out for me, too.

It could be that your 'manipulation' consisted of demonstrating to the ICs that you were very well defended and had no desire to change. If you didn't want to change, what could any IC have done?

Want to change makes IC a much different proposition.

I recommend focusing on changing yourself from betrayer and rug-sweeper to good partner. Let your H decide about D, R, or waiting to see if you change.

Of course, if you don't want to change yourself, you might be happier after D than you are now.

Bumping for a reality check.

I'm still reading. I didn't go anywhere, however, I do not always have an opportunity to post due to my job.