SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I was one of those posters 2 years ago who would hit and run post. Didn't really take in the advice I was given. Was so sure my wh and I knew better, that we were so much better now that I knew all about his affairs. So you know what I am going to say next. I am a fucking idiot.

The long post is he was having a sexting affair with a co-worker who reports to him. He swears they never were physical, and like a moron I believed him. Took me checking out phone bills to figure that one out, and the who .... The CoW was also a friend of ours who would hang out one on one with me and my girls. Then he admitted to another affair with a different CoW a decade ago. So I was extremely stupid and did the pick me dance. I have basically tried to do everything to please his sorry cheating ass for the past 2 years.

He was the supervisor of the lasted slunt for 18 months after dday. So I have been 6 months free from him having daily contact with her. We seemed to be in a really good place. No texts or calls between the two of them. Then he found out he had to begin working on the office again after working from home for the past 7 years. That was a month and a half ago when that began. The two of them have desks within 6 feet of each other in an open office plan. We were so good he reassured me he was done with that and would never cheat again.

We had so much fun together the past month. I told him on Sunday how much I loved him and how sexy he was to me. Monday he tells me. He was still attracted to Whoreliette and wants an open marriage. Needless to say I was in pieces. He said I manipulate him with tears and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I moved into the basement on Tuesday and I can't even look at him. It's like the first dday, almost on the exact second anniversary of the first one too. Oh, and my birthday is on Sunday. SO he has fucking perfect timing. I told hi. To not get me a present. I tried cancelling my cake, but the bakery said they couldn't. They havent even made it, so idk why they can't.

Now if I had listened to everyone 2 years ago I would have a job, and either be with my husband or have the ability to leave his lying ass right now.

Also, this time I am telling my kids ds 20, and dd 15 and 11. I told my son today. I said we both love him and want what is best for him. I am struggling with how to tell my girls. And when. I am.leaning toward after school ends so they don't have the stress of going to classes soon after finding out. As for me, I am applying to every shitty job I can, but no one wants someone who hasnt worked in 20 years, let alone find a job that can support me. And I told my best friend. I was too ashamed before but now fuck it. I would tell his boss, but my husband is no longer Whoreliette's supervisor so in just don't care. he blames me.for having to give up managing her team too. They can have each other. I am moving forward.

Closing statement .... People. Listen to the advice you get here! If you don't like it, then it's even more important for you to listen. posters aren't paid. They have no skin in the game. They can offer a valuable perspective from their own experiences and from the outside looking in. I was a fool to brush off all your advice I am so sorry

[This message edited by Kalma at 9:32 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

You were not a fool. You trusted your heart and did what you felt was best for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You aren't a fool or an idiot. This stuff is just so genuinely horrible that it's almost impossible to wrap your head around it for a while. I am so sorry that he's such a complete piece of shit. You deserve so much better than this.

You aren't an idiot - you've just come to the moment of clarity time. It takes some of us longer than others. I've been ashamed to say that it took me way too long to figure out that my WH was as messed up as he is (they also work together - my dday's fall on the same exact date, 1 year apart so I know the feeling of "oh no, fuck this, not again" really well.

Start making yourself your Plan A and don't worry about the rest. It's the best you can do right now for you. I'm sorry...I get the "I'm ambivalent about us" statements all the time - he works with the AP too in close quarters - and he says "she's like a drug" and that he doesn't want her but he keeps going back. Well, he can keep going back to her all he wants, but I'm off the table.

You will be okay. Take baby steps and stay strong..and take the advice that you want and ignore the rest for YOUR reasons. No one is you or in your situation and despite the similarities, they are all different in their own special fucked up way.

I appreciate the support. I genuinely wish i had listened 2 years ago. How someone can go from saying things like "Working in the office away from you makes me appreciate and love you more" to being done with someone in 2 weeks is fucking insane.

When I told my son we are headed for divorce he asked how his dad was doing. All I could think was how his dad is fucking dandy. He gets to have his fucking dream girl, and his kids. I am going to reinforce that we both love them to pieces and would do anything for them, but I think they need to know too WHY we are not going to be together. How does one say that a parent cheated multiple times and is still lusting after their AP years later and that is why mom and dad cant be married anymore? All while not screwing up parental relationships.

You aren't an idiot. However, he most certainly is.

Ok, so you can't cancel the cake, but can you change whatever message is on it?

I'd be tempted to put something snarky on it, but I'm a passive aggressive bitch like that.

I'm sorry you are going through this again.

Kalma I think every BS feels like they're an idiot at some point...some of us feel like an idiot multiple times a day.

Look at it this way..you think you're an idiot because you didn't listen to everyone here about dump his lying cheating ass. IF you had listened to them you could've been beating yourself up wondering "what if". What if it was a mistake and he learned his lesson and you lost your marriage. What if you two could've worked through it and had the marriage that you knew you could have. The what if's might've been just as hard on you.

So you're not an idiot, you were doing what your heart thought you needed to do, which was give it the chance that you did.

Your post is my greatest fear. My parents never had to have this conversation with me but my closest friend went through it at 12 and i was there with her daily and the following 20 years. Her mother was the serial cheater and was given several chances before her father told her. I was there for many of the followup convos. He told her that a husband and wife are supposed to love eachother and be with eachothet only, but her mother wasnt able to do that and it was breaking his heart to keep letting her hurt him. That he needed to divorce her to not be in pain so much. Honestly, without fully understanding sex or betrayal back then, his way of explaining made sense to us. She ended up telling the judge that she wanted to live with her father and while she always loved her mom, she was never as close to her as her father or even her aunts.

She became a counselor for troubled teen girl.

When it came to my own dday though she strongly encouraged me to exhaust all options witg my wh before divorce and if all of this became past history to never tell my daughters.

I'm so sorry, Kalma. Have you seen an attorney yet? If you haven't worked outside the home in 20 years, I think there's a likely chance that your WH will end up having to pay spousal support as well as child support. Knowing your rights might go a long way toward helping you plan your next steps.

((hugs))

How does one say that a parent cheated multiple times and is still lusting after their AP years later and that is why mom and dad cant be married anymore? All while not screwing up parental relationships.

It's not about screwing up parental relationships. You could not say a word and let your kid be blindsided when they meet OW and figure it out. You're not protecting them and you're also not hurting them with the truth. Your WH has already rocked the boat with them and they just haven't figured it out yet. Be honest and say that their dad has a girlfriend and you can't stay married to him. Answer their questions honestly. It's far more important that you be the parent they can rely on to be truthful and upfront with them when your WH won't.

Kalma, see a lawyer right away. Use joint savings if you have to. You're not going to be left without child support and possibly alimony because you had to give up your career aspects to stay home with the kids. This is what child support and alimony is made for. See what you are entitled in the event of a divorce that way you will know if you can move forward now or what you have to do to prepare yourself.

(((Kalma)))

Please do the following things and do them quickly.

1. See an attorney or 3 and find out your rights, and his obligations.

2. Draw up a parenting plan, and make him be responsible for his children.

3. See your Dr get STD tested, and talk about what you are going through. Get a referral for a therapist if you are really struggling. Also if you are struggling with sleeping and eating, get some meds. It's ok. This is most likely the most traumatic thing you have been through and it takes time to get ducks in a row, and make things happen.

But start with this list, and stop beating yourself up. You did what you believed would save your M. It didn't. So you move forward. You focus on you and your kids and what you want and need and what they want and need.

There is no sin in being a stay at home mom, and believe it or don't he won't get to walk away and leave you destitute.

Keep reading, keep posting.

((((And strength)))

I am posting from a device. So I can't quote people specifically. But I have read everyone's responses. I am literally overwhelmed with the support from total strangers rn.

I have a job interview tomorrow at Walmart. So hoping it get it. I know it's not glamorous, but I need a job. Anything. I am planning to work and pay off our debt. We owe nothing of value other than our vehicles, so I would be getting half that anyways. Then work to pay for divorce. I am going to be cordial to my wh. But my love is killed. I feel empty and cannot imagine ever loving any man again, and certainly not him with his track record. I know it isn't permanent that in will be empty forever. I am going forward focusing on me and my.kids. No more outings with my wh. At least I will never say I gave up too soon.

I know I am not the easiest person to live with. I never make decisions and always defer to the thoughts of my husband. I always do what he wanted and followed his advice. Now I feel like I am 18 and starting out again to find who I am. At almost 40 with kids going through the same thing. Kind of funny. I hope I won't be as infuriating as my teenagers can be. It's a challenging age

Edited because my spell check is the worst. And autocorrect is a close second.

[This message edited by Kalma at 1:03 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Please know you aren't an idiot. Stop saying that about yourself! I wish you luck at your interview.

You are not an idiot. He is!!!

You gave him a chance to reconcile. You believed what you saw. Why blame yourself? He’s the one who jumped ship.

I usually recommend BS always keep their plan B (finances, support team, etc) handy. You just never know.

I think that is the part you may regret. The rest is just disappointing that he bailed.

Nothing wrong with working at Walmart. It's a good start and will give you confidence.

I also suggest Costco if there is one closeby. They hire all ages and experience levels and the pay is higher than most retailers.

Good luck to you and your kids. It's time for a fresh start, free of his lies and deception.

First and foremost,

Say it with all of us! YOU are not an idiot! You can hold your head high and know that you did everything you could for the sake of; your kids, your marriage and your love. That my dear takes strength!

It’s scary for sure starting over, but 99 percent of us are just a trauma/illness away from financial ruin. None of us are too good to work where we need to to make it through. Hold your head high that you are working at Walmart to keep yourself going. You are doing what you need to do. There is nothing wrong with that!!

Stay strong, keep doing you!

To clear, I am not an idiot now. Certainly was 2 years ago with my people pleasing, rug sweeping, pick me dancing self. I am not too good to work at Walmart. I haven't held a job in 20 years. I am grateful for the experience if they hire me. I am a good organizer, polite, kind, dependable, extremely punctual, get along with everyone, don't gossip, always wanting to help others, so at least I can get paid for it. I am holding my head high even when I am feeling so low. What hurts the most is while my wh wont talk to me in person (which i am good with) and I can't even look at him, he texts me like nothing is wrong. That hurts the most. Because I love him, but I cannot be with someone who still wants a girlfriend after seeing the damage he did last time with the same person. I just can't.

Please cross your fingers for me today that I get this job.

You'll do great.

Good luck.

I almost forgot ... Last night he goes to the dollar store and gets me some red vines. I did not ask for them. I do not want them. Like that is supposed to make him a good person after this? Two years ago he did this before my birthday. Before then he never made the effort for me. Birthdays, holidays, he never got me anything from him or from the kids. And he acts all hurt now that he has ruined 2 of the 3 birthdays he tried on. I never want to celebrate another birthday again. I am so mad and so sad.

And just asked if I still wanted to go to the movies this weekend with the kids and him. Not if my hair was on fire and the only water to be found was in that theater. And he gives me a hangdog response when I say thats not a good idea. Wtf?