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I asked my FWH something similar once when we went to a convention together, about 6 months after his affair.

His response was "No, cause if I do it then I have to give you one too and I can't handle that"

ROFL I thought it was funny...he couldn't handle me having a hall pass, yet he had an affair! I responded, hmmm I guess an affair is out of the question then. Imagine how THAT would hurt you and walked away. He made sure to not look at any of the female cos-players, even if I pointed them out to him.

**I think me saying it the way I did shocked him and he realized how hurt I was.

NOTE: I wouldn't have an affair FYI, I was proving a point to my FWH.

No, negative, nyet, nada, no way Jose.

My husband once joked about having a threesome. Then I asked him if he already had another man in mind or do I get to choose.

Chirp chirp

And a high five!

WH has said quite a few times, "If you had an affair, I'd understand." And "You should get your needs met elsewhere. I understand." "If you ever have an affair, I'd totally deserve it."

Yet, he still insists that 22 weeks over 11 years in another state and 26 dates with OW, with a hotel room at his disposal that he was sure she wanted him even though she never said or did anything to confirm it, and that although he lied about seeing her, nothing happened, but he knew how it'd look.

So I think it's guilt talking. Like he'd want me to do it so he wouldn't feel so guilty.

ETA: and IMO, any WS if they could get a free pass or have a temp poly relationship is probably going to say NO! even if they would love the idea. What else could they say?

And asking a BS if they'd like a hall pass? That'd be an "AHA! I'm justified!" moment. So, what else could a BS say, even if the idea of a fling with someone else who isn't just sexual may indeed turn them on?

[This message edited by OptionedOut at 1:42 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Honestly, A free pass on the surface would turn me on. That is honest. I am human and I find other people attractive. The fantasy of it is the turn on.

The problem is that the more I thought about it the less and less of a turn on it would become. Too many risks and not enough rewards. The implementation and practicality of it would ruin it. If it stopped being a fantasy then. . .well it would ruin that fantasy for me.

Even if my W would not know. I would. That would be enough for me not to follow through. I know that my integrity and image of myself would suffer. I got plenty examples of me not living up to the standards I set for myself already. I don't need anymore examples to kick my negative self talk into high gear. It does that by itself enough.

t/j

Pinkpggy I get where you are coming from. I just want to point out that you seem a lot more sure of yourself and the direction your M is headed today versus when you first came here. Take a moment to recognize that.

Those discussions while painful are so important in understanding why your H hurts. Addressing those concerns with patience, empathy and humility are so valuable in rebuilding the M.

My dad befriended a young artist way back in the 1960’s. The guy came as a barely-English speaking immigrant and dad gave him a job. A couple of years later he painted my dad’s portrait with a nice text of gratitude. Since then the artist has moved on and is now quite a nationally well-known and sought-after portrait artist.

The portrait was in my mom and dad’s bedroom until my mom’s death last year. In her will it was bequeathed to me since I supposedly have so many of my dad’s characteristics. It now is displayedright in front of my bedroom and each and every day I look at it and ask my dad if I am a good father and husband. The way I perceive HIM as a great husband and father. I ask myself if he would approve of me.

Part of that approval is fidelity.

Since I met my wife so many years ago I have not had any form of sexual contact with any other woman. I’m proud of that. ´

I would (hopefully) never diminish that pride with something as shallow as sex with someone else. Not while my wife is my wife.

And I think dad approves of that.

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:46 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

What the hell would I need a free pass for?

When my ww offered that all I saw was Admiral Ackbar going "It's a trap!!"

So I told her to go get me the girl she wanted to see me with. Stupid question go stupid answer. She didn't do shit btw to answer her own question.

My fWW offered to let me have a pass. She even offered to look for a woman for us to have a threesome with if that is what I wanted. And this from a precious, pious church-lady!

All it did was prove to me that she was a bigger idiot than I ever gave her credit for being. I told her to stop adding more idiocy to the idiocy she committed by having an affair.

And no, it did not turn me on. In fact, it made me feel patronized.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 4:17 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Not at all.

I have strong sexual attraction to my wife. I don't feel that for other women and havent in many many years. Other women don't have the memories of her being there for me when I was coming back from Iraq or her being the sole parent for our kids for years while I was abroad...the massive heavy lifting she did to keep our family running...none of that. Those things make her special, far beyond any other woman. It's not purely physical, it is more than that.

A hall pass could never touch any of that.

When I see married people discuss a hall pass, I have to question whether they truly became the proverbial "one flesh" that marriage is supposed to create.

Nope

Hikingout wrote, I don’t think a free pass exists. There are consequences to everything we do in life good or bad.

I agree I also don't think NSA exists, one party usually ends up the worse.

I can't image using some woman for sex and then dropping them and going on with my life, or using them to pay off my Ws debt to me.

My W once said she wouldn't blame me if I had cheated, but when I thought about it I couldn't think of a situation I would be ok with.

I especially would not want to see a prostitute as I would be funding a lifestyle which exploits and abuses women.

I agree I also don't think NSA exists, one party usually ends up the worse.

For men, I agree with you. I too have come to believe that "NSA" is simply not really a thing. I used to think that's was basically the definition of an A; "NSA while married". The truth could not be further from that thought, at least not for most of the WW's here.

I can't image using some woman for sex and then dropping them and going on with my life, or using them to pay off my Ws debt to me.

Neither can I. And I can't imagine a woman saying "yes" to the "nobody being used" possibility either. "I want to sleep with you to get back at my cheating W" is about as bad a pickup line I can come up with. It'll work fine for men, I think younger me would have jumped at the chance for that if a woman approached me with that proposition, but, I just don't see how you do it "honestly" with the potential AP as a man. Sure, it's easy enough to do, but it's going to involve much lying and probably a lot of hurt for the innocent party (the potential AP), hurt they do not deserve and in no moral world can you impose on them to "get back" at your WW.

I especially would not want to see a prostitute as I would be funding a lifestyle which exploits and abuses women.

This is probably the closest you can get to "victimless" if your going to have a RA as a man. I don't feel prostitutes are exploited, but I do think it's kind of a crappy job; but it's a job they choose to do, so, I think I'd be "more OK" with this (using a prostitute for a RA) than lying to an innocent 3rd party. It's their job, they're going to do it with me or without me, so I feel a little bit morally "better" with the thought of a professional than lying my ass off to a woman, getting her in bed, and then nexting her with the intention of "getting back" at my WW.

The situation is much less morally ambiguous for BW's; there are probably 1000's of men within 5 miles of most BW's on here who'd happily jump at the chance to sleep with them to help them "get back at their WH's" or to "use their free pass". So I think this is one of those areas where the sexes are just different. The "idea" of a free pass turns me on, but the reality of it would require some pretty awful actions from me to utilize. Where for most women, I'd think the "idea" of a free pass isn't that attractive, but the reality of it could be totally upfront and straight forward. Also, there's a gulf in who'd be "up for it" by sex. Women offering NSA can typically get a very, very attractive man to sleep with them; much more attractive than their H's because men often will sleep with someone less attractive than they will date/marry as long as it's not too much effort. Where men, the opposite is true, an offer of "NSA/revenge sex" isn't a very attractive one to most women, much less so than an offer of a relationship, so, generally, they will wind up with someone less attractive. A relatively attractive woman could throw herself at Mick Jagger and sleep with a celebrity, I'm pretty sure even a man who's a "10" couldn't throw himself hard enough at Julia Roberts to make a ONS attractive to her. :)

Nope.

For me, sex involves intimacy. And I've learned thru this process that even in the case of A the level of intimacy takes days/weeks/months to develop. A free pass of hours is not a situation where I can develop any (no) level of intimacy...

RIO told the truth on this one:

"I want to sleep with you to get back at my cheating W" is about as bad a pickup line I can come up with.

Before finding out about the adultery this idea would have been repulsive for me and would have made me very suspicious of why would my wife offer it. What does she want in return? Repulsive.

After finding out about a 4 year LTA with a COW it might have been different. I don't know because it wasn't something I wanted, asked for or was offered.

How would that even work? WW has a 4 year LTA. Would a free pass mean I could have frequent NSA with the same woman for 4 years? Just have her on call like my WW was with her AP. Why would I want to spend any time with a woman up for that?

Prostitutes? My WW was a free call girl. He called and she went to him. I would have to pay to have sex with someone willing to have sex with me. That doesn't seem to be the same.

What about my character and principles? Do I set them aside so I can "get even"? If I do, IMO, that means I didn't really have them in the first place. Isn't that the issue with my cheating spouse? She lacked character and principles in order to have an LTA.

The offer might have turned me on. I don't know because it didn't happen. But so what. Thinking about something and rejecting it is quite different than acting on every impulse. That's about control and boundaries.

I haven't had a smoke since 1983. I inhale deeply when I walk past people outside smoking that I walk past. I won't have a smoke and inhale that first puff on lighting. Does that make me a smoker? I believe that if I bought a pack or took a smoke from a friend I'd be back smoking again. I liked smoking but I need to control the urge to have "just one". Maybe that's a bad example.

I think there are things that one may want to do that you know you shouldn't. Self control and purpose/boundaries keep you from doing them.

I agree with others, a true free hall pass doesn't exist. There are always consequences to our actions.

Even though I'm a reformed "man whore" from my youth, this doesn't turn me on or excite me in the least.

First, the lack of respect I would have to my WW if it were offered. From my perspective what does that say about her and her view of marriage? I think this goes to what others have said, would help ease her affair guilt to a degree.

Second, I made vows before god and family/friends to be monogamous. I would be betraying my own vows (as there wasn't a foot note/caveat in them) and my own integrity.

I think the consequences/risks outweigh any of the benefits IMO.

>>I am not interested in being with anyone else.<<

I don't believe you.

>>His response was he DOESN'T want to have sex with anyone else. Period. Just me.<<

I don't believe him.

>>I have strong sexual attraction to my wife. I don't feel that for other women and havent in many many years.<<

I don't believe you.

One of the advantages of being on the wrong end of an affair? Your BS detector gets an upgrade.

One of the disadvantages of being on the wrong end of an affair? You become less patient with BS.

I don't believe you.

I feel the same way.

Prostitutes? My WW was a free call girl. He called and she went to him. I would have to pay to have sex with someone willing to have sex with me. That doesn't seem to be the same.

It's not. But it's probably as close as you can get without a whole bunch of lying and blowing another person's life apart (as a man, as a woman, the situation is completely different).

The lying/sneaking/sweet nothings/lies aspect of the affair have absolutely no appeal to/for me. The sex does, which is why the idea of a "free pass" does have a bit of weight for me. But the idea of sex with a professional is kind of a buzzkill, and the idea of lying to someone else to have sex is a total boner killer after seeing the destruction it wrought in my life. So, it's kind of one of those "hypothetically speaking" things, yes, I can see the appeal. No, it's not likely to happen.

Brutal honesty? My WW bringing another woman into bed with us holds a TON more appeal for me. Yes, that would also likely to have to be a professional, but her and I experiencing that together would be a lot more exciting to me than sneaking off to get a BJ from a pro or lying to some girl at work to get some on the side. Let the flames begin, but, speaking for myself, that's a whole hell of a lot more erotic than the "free pass" idea to just go F someone else.

No.

The idea (fantasy) of it does turn me on, the reality of it doesn't and wouldn't do it.

So I told her to go get me the girl she wanted to see me with.

More NTV gold...

The other thing I would not want to do is be dishonest to some woman just to get into her pants.

I get disgusted when I see men trying to pick up women and telling the standard lies, "my wife dosen't understand me","I'm such a victim","I'm such a hero", "I do so much for charity".

It's more disturbing when women fall for this even though I understand the need the OMs are exploiting and filling.