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no way. Does nothing for me. It's not going to change the fact that the one woman I loved and trusted, stabbed me in the back.

My WW was a free call girl. He called and she went to him

Steady,

that was my wife. All he had to do was text her a smiley face and she went running. That was their little code. Easier than ordering a pizza.

99,

OMG, so whenever you see a smiley face emoji you must trigger like crazy. Like the wall mart smiley face. Easier than ordering a pizza, I guess that was my W too, and she used to drive the OM in her car.

The other thing I would not want to do is be dishonest to some woman just to get into her pants.

I get disgusted when I see men trying to pick up women and telling the standard lies, "my wife dosen't understand me","I'm such a victim","I'm such a hero", "I do so much for charity".

It's more disturbing when women fall for this even though I understand the need the OMs are exploiting and filling.

This, many times over, you put it better than I did.

that was my wife. All he had to do was text her a smiley face and she went running. That was their little code. Easier than ordering a pizza.

Here too. Pretty good deal for the AP, I can't fault him for that.

And my FWH was the man who had the OW who did what your WW's did. Just a booty call.

ETA: In fact, the OW in our sitch paid to fuck my FWH. Most of the time, OW made the hotel arrangements (I guess when it was too cold to fuck in the cars at parks) and paid for the room 90% of the time.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:02 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

I was mulling over this question the other day. Essentially what a WS does, at least one of the things he/she does, it arrogate a secret "free pass" that he/she self-authorizes. A one-sided open marriage. In a lot of A's, this means that the WS has the chance to experience the thrill of numinent first sex with a new partner, which, c'mon everybody, is a fantastic, wonderful, great experience, even if the sex itself ends up being meh. That is something that married people expressly promise they will never do.

Part of the bitterness of a BS is knowing that the WS stole this thrill. A "free pass" could potentially allow the BS to experience numinent first sex with another person. However, its thrill would be dulled compared to the A because it would not be illicit nor stolen.

Further, if the BS is a man, unless he is a George Clooney good-looking guy who can quickly pick somebody up at a bar, for most average-looking men it normally takes time and effort to connect with and then court another woman to a point where she will have sex with him. I don't think a WW offering a free pass realizes that for most men this means he will need to find a girlfriend for a process that could last months, even a year. All of his social time and energy would be invested in this, much like the way many WS's invest their social time and energy into their AP's.

What does this say about the love of the WS toward the BS if the WS is content to sit idly at home while the BS is out courting another? To me, the message is "I don't care about you."

Further, if the BS is a man, unless he is a George Clooney good-looking guy who can quickly pick somebody up at a bar, for most average-looking men it normally takes time and effort to connect with and then court another woman to a point where she will have sex with him. I don't think a WW offering a free pass realizes that for most men this means he will need to find a girlfriend for a process that could last months, even a year.

It might take even longer than that if you're at all honest with the potential RA woman. "I'm only doing this to get back at my W" is perhaps the worst pickup line in history. Followed closely by "your my free pass". It's going to involve a lot of "courting" (as you put it), and that courting is going to involve a LOT of lying. Even if they are smaller lies "Yes, I'm married, but my W and I are having problems", still, it's going to be very, very difficult to find a woman who wants to jump into that type of relationship, especially when is you make your intentions known (hit it, quit it). The situation is entirely different for women, my wife could post an ad for "NSA sex to get back at my cheating husband" and would literally not make it until the end of the hour before she had a bunch of suitors, some of whom are better looking, more built, richer, etc than me. A woman offering NSA sex is about as "high value" as you can get to a random man, a man offering the same is well.. Just a crappy version of a man you might actually want to date.

Whenever these threads about RA's or "free passes" come up, I always think that it's very gender divided. The only way to have anything like a comparable experience between the sexes is to use prostitutes for a man, no lying, NSA sex with someone who's as attractive as you'd like. Women offering NSA sex can typically go "up" the scale, men will very often sleep with women they'd never date (I did this often) if they make it easy enough.

If a really attractive women walked up to me, said "Hi, my name is Karen, I'd love to F you", yes, having a "free pass" would be attractive. But it's a ridiculous situation, I've been alive a long time, and that has literally NEVER happened to me. Yes, I've had women approach me before, but it wasn't "wanna bang" it was "want to go out for a drink" and "start dating". And that's very different than a "free pass", almost nobody is going to agree to let you "date" and court someone else in a M. Even open marriages don't work that way typically.

Shortly after Dday I told my WS that I was struggling with thoughts about being with other women. To that honesty she responded with a free pass as long as I wasn’t hiding anything from her. And yeah it was a turn on. Felt like a loving response. The risk of using such a pass is still tempting but I’ve already declined opportunities since Dday and hope to never use it.

What’s been more of a turn on since then? Talk of being open to sexual adventures together... a threesome, a getaway at a clothing optional resort, trying new things together.

WS has the chance to experience the thrill of numinent first sex with a new partner, which, c'mon everybody, is a fantastic, wonderful, great experience, even if the sex itself ends up being meh.

I so agree with this, Butforthegrace. This is why I didn't immediately agree to marry my FWH. I thought about it long and hard about what marriage means and if I was willing to give up those experiences for the rest of my life. When I found out that he was still enjoying those experiences I was really pissed off, not hurt, but very angry that he took that from me and he was still enjoying those experiences. I had many opportunities, as a lot of people do, whilst married and I didn't take them because I was...MARRIED.

if you want to properly reconcile, why bring up Jason Mamoa ??

It sounds like you want a free pass. You don't.

Own your shit and get other guys out of your brain

and dump this asshole

a free pass mans that you are in an open relationship which means she's getting a lot more than you because all men wan want is that ass. They want the emotional connection. Open rleaationsgips are trash. Try smelling Another guy's cock while you are doing oral on your widw, For those that can do that ? Disgusting, For those that can't do, I am a full time supporter

Talk of being open to sexual adventures together... a threesome, a getaway at a clothing optional resort, trying new things together.

Dramatically more of a turn on than a "free pass" for me, that's without question. I don't really want to sleep with someone else (intellectually I don't, if I think through what's required to do it the appeal just kind of dies, of course, physically, if someone threw themselves at me who was very attractive to me, I'd want to). But kinky sexual stuff/adventures with my W? Count me in, that's a hell of turn on!

If my wife offered me a “free pass” for a one night stand, would I get turned on? I think I would. The thought of doing something “bad” and not having to pay the consequences does have its attraction.

However, would I act on it? NO FREAKING WAY!! First of all, I don’t love this girl, and I would rather make love than just bang some woman. Sex is important to me in that it is the only unique connection I have with my wife. I have to share her emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. But sexually, she is only mine and I am only hers.

Second, think of all the risks I would be taking: Does she have some STI or HIV that I would bring back to the only woman I really love? What if I get this woman pregnant? What if other people find out, especially her husband/boyfriend?! NO THANKS! The risk is way too high.

I like it when my wife talks kinky and dirty with me to get us both turned on, and I might think that this “offer” was just that, and would take it so. But believe me, I would take it no further!

Interesting question, by the way.

Then in my opinion, YOU have no loyalty. If you entertain other scenarios, then you should not be there.If I was asked: do you want to go fuck someone else, then not only would I ask my SO or wife why she asked that, my answer ( unlike yours) would prompt me (as a woman) to think what the hell I am doing with this person.

Do not get married if you can not be committed. Do I need to expand?

And when wonders why relationships fall apart. And as always- these asshole men- who have no maturity OR capacity to even be married "somehow" wind up with certain women. Suggestion? There are better men out there IF you give a shit.

So think before you get smitten..and yes. people BS, lie, and manipulate. Very hard to discern sometimes. However, Always look for actions.Words mean nothing.One of these days, trust, belief, and recipocrity "may" realign my unfortunate belief that good men are either not seen OR somehow cast aside for whatever reasons. Life is short and when you can't learn or put up with less-than- men then what is the solution?

To much time spent on that issue..my unfortunate summary is that women can't see "nice". No ability or tendency to do so. So keep on looking- often nice people are within your realm. Your eyes need adjustment:)

To much time spent on that issue..my unfortunate summary is that women can't see "nice". No ability or tendency to do so. So keep on looking- often nice people are within your realm. Your eyes need adjustment:)

OK, at the risk of pissing people off, I'll comment on this because I think it's important. And I'll do my best to not generalize, but just be forewarned, there will be some of that in here.

First, I agree with you. I remember my days in college/HS and women always used to say "I can't find a nice guy" while, at the same time, dating massive asshole #1, then, after he cheated, moving to massive asshole #2. There were nice guys all around her, she was SELECTING for assholes.

I was just as guilty. I often wondered why I wasn't running into many "nice girls", but, truth be told, I was selecting for "slutty", not for "nice". Now, there is a difference here, while I wondered why I didn't know/date many "nice girls", I also didn't really care. I was selecting for slutty, and I was happy with what I got, that's in fact what I wanted. The corollary for me would have been if I was dating only women who had expressed a desire to be chaste until marriage and then saying "why can't I just get laid". Well, because you're selecting the wrong women to get laid with, just like many of the girls I knew selected the wrong guys if "nice" is really what they wanted.

Everyone is different, but, in general, sexual desire isn't sparked by "nice". It's sparked by other things, looks, confidence, humor, etc. Nice isn't on the list for sexual attraction for a lot of us, no matter how much we might like it to be.

Butforthegrace,

I don't advocate exactly for what you are saying, but I wanted to point out that our age shows a little bit here. A man doesn't have to go out and go to a bar to court women. He just has to swipe right now a days. You can find women on Tinder looking for NSA.

I have friends who use it just fine. It's not as hard as it used to be.

Perhaps my age is showing too Hiking!

You can find women on Tinder looking for NSA.

Really tough one for me. Yes, I know about Tinder and other apps, and yes, I'm also aware that "NSA" is something that women might be looking for on those apps. But are they REALLY looking for NSA? I've read many articles about how "dating is awful now" because of apps like Tinder, "guys just want to f**k me, why can't I find someone serious". Well.. You're on an app designed to find NSA partners! Why are you looking for something serious?

This is jumbled, let me clarify it. I had plenty of sexual experiences in the past where the woman said "NSA is all I'm after". It was almost never all they were after unless it was a near anon encounter (met at bar, slept with that night), and, even then, I wonder if "I was supposed to call" and I hurt her feelings.

The men/women affair sex debate that we have here often is a perfect example of this. Very, very few women seem to have A's for sex, but, in the A, they act like porn stars the entire time. But they didn't actually want sex. If we're talking NSA, it's "just sex", and that seems to be a rare thing in women, even if they claim (or act, as my WW did) to be totally driven by sex, are they really? Or do they want something else?

And yes, I realize this is different for everyone, but I'm not sure we can use the presence of Tinder as an indicator that the girls using it are just in it for NSA. I think a lot are looking to date the men they meet there and develop a relationship, and they see sex as the price of entry. They're right, of course, and yes, it can/does work out sometimes, but that in no way indicates they are just out to f**k anymore than we can infer that a female prostitute "loves sex". She's doing it for other reasons, in the case of prostitution, it's money and it's near guaranteed she'll get it. In the case of Tinder, it certainly could be a relationship and it's not at all likely she'll get that.

Men, does the idea of a free pass turn you on?

At first I was going to say no, but after thinking about it, I'm not sure. If I'm being honest, I think my answer is partly conditional upon availability. In other words, if I knew someone "hot" in my life at the time the offer was made, I MIGHT be turned on.

Nonetheless, following through would be another question altogether. As I'm typing this and thinking it through, it gets more real and the more real it gets, the more it wouldn't sit right with me.