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SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
@Darkness Falls
but it’s not just limited to having cheated
I wasn't referring to that. You and I have been here a long time. I have read thousands of your posts. I know your struggle. But this is what makes you a good person:
I don’t think of others first. I find it difficult to empathize in certain situations. Doing the right thing doesn’t come naturally to me in some ways; I have to constantly check myself and work at it.
Because you acknowledge that you have areas that you constantly need to be aware of and work on it. People who are not "good" don't acknowledge their faults and work on changing them or weigh how their actions can impact others. You do even if it doesn't come naturally and even if you don't actually feel empathy. ((((Darkness Falls)))) You are way too hard on yourself.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 1:23 AM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
SMS,
You are by far not the first person to make that observation (about being too hard on myself). Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again
Staying together for the kids
D-day 2010
BeingheldbyJesus ( member #52007) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
Good people do not betray people. They don't lie over and over and lead two lives.
I thought I married a good person but I know differently now and I see he cannot change.
Me:50 WH:51
Married since Dec. 1990/together 35 years/Junior high sweethearts DS24,DD21,DD16
DD1: EA? 7/10/15 Ended then. Found out by emails it was actually PA 11/13/15
Cheatee ( member #59284) posted at 9:17 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
My XWW is a good person who did a bad thing. And another bad thing. And bad thing after bad thing. She spent months doing bad things, blaming others for her bad things, insisting she was not a bad person, but a good person doing many, many, many bad things and destroying her family, nearly driving her own daughter to suicide and wrecking a 23 year old relationship that, by her own admission, was a good one.
We define ourselves by our intentions. Others define us by our behaviors.
A good person? If you say so.
FamilyMan75 ( member #65715) posted at 9:34 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
My wife did a lot of bad things, but she isn't a bad person.
Me: 48 WW: 37 (serial cheater)T: 18 M: 15 3DDs: 16, 6, 5 Reconciled
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 10:53 PM on Thursday, May 16th, 2019
^^^This.^^^ If I felt my FWH was a bad person there is no way in hell I would have reconciled with him. If you feel that your WS is a bad person, than you need to divorce immediately, imo.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:01 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019
I agree - I see my W as a human being who did something awful and who is redeeming herself. If I saw her as a bad person, I would not have chosen R.
At the same time, honey, they always affair down. I don't think much of ow, but she affaired down with my W.... That's a sobering thought.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019
I echo Familyman75. If I thought my fWW was not a good person I would never have attempted R.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019
Oh my gosh I read the Esther Perel quote. If it is true than I was the one invested in our 36 years marriage and he is in himself. How the world do I stay in this marriage then? That is a scary thought!
[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 10:20 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 11:57 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2019
My ex is more of a sad, pathetic person with garbage coping skills. Not "good", but that's so subjective. But...I am hard pressed to think of what "good" she's ever done for anyone but herself.
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
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