SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

12 days after Dday. We had a rocky month starting late april. I had attributed the tension to her hormones treatment, part of the IVF process we started late last year. Married for 4 years, together for almost another 4. We are both 38. We tried to have a child for over 2 years and several failed inseminations. We finally got a date for the embryo transfer. We had a talk about our relationship and how to fix the issues and decided to move head with the transfer. 10 days later she tested positive for pregancy. When I asked her about how she felt, she said she had mixed emotions. That was a friday. On Sunday I discovered the text messages, she saw her lover as recent as the day after she found out she was pregnant. My world came to an end. She said the affair was less than a month, but there were 3 sexual encounters. I implored her to get an abortion and move on with our lives. She does not want to and breaks in tears everytime I bring up the subject. She has demostrated every sign that she wants to fix things. Changed her number, got an STD test, etc. We are still living together and going to counseling. She says she loves me, but that the passion is lost and she does not know if it will ever be the same. A few times she has asked me for space, but does not want me to leave the house, not even for one night. This uncertanty, and the idea of a separation in the middle of a pregnancy kills me. I know I can be happy again and rebuild my life, but this child will grow up without a father. This experience also allowed me to look inside and realize that there are things about me that I need to improve. the only reason why I'm willing to forgive, is because I had cheated too, but there were no affairs, more of a sexual addiction problem. She just never found out. This is my life know. Having PTSD and suicidal thoughts. I never thought this was going to happen, but this is the most horrible pain I have experienced my whole life. I only prey that whatever happens, I can get over this pain.

I am so sorry that you are here. I do have a quick question. Is the baby from vitro or is the baby the AP's? Or is there an uncertainty about that? What is she doing to make this better besides asking for space? Do you have her passwords for her phone, email, and social media accounts? What reason did she give for cheating? Did you know the guy? And sadly, even if you divorce, you could still be the father to the child. But please dont make decisions on will you leave or stay right now. First, get yourself some help. Get some counseling from a good therapist. Your wife should do the same. Make sure you take care of yourself and take your. Please do that.

I don't know why some people feel entitled to do this. You cheated on your wife. She cheated on you. It isn't fair that she's the only one being held accountable, and if she finds out about your cheating later, she will never forgive you.

It's time to get everything out on the table and decide whether either of you really want this marriage or not.

Thanks for your interest. The timing of the pregnancy indicates the baby is from the embryo produced from the invitro. However, I do want to talk to our doctor about the situation. She admitted everything about the affair right away and asked for forgiveness, she repedealty says she loves me and that she was stupid. She has been affectionate and communicative. however, when I asked her about her feelings, she shuts down and does not want the pressure. Right now we are taking it day by day and being kind to each other. She said she still want to be sure about what she wants. I dont have her passwords. The AP seems to be a distant person, but there is somebody at her job that connected them. I dont know him. If she wants to see him again, she could easely do it. So far, we are spending a lot of time together, working out, eating dinner, watching movies at home. We already saw a therapist, but I was not impressed by the session. She is commited to the recovery. We were fighting during that month. But I thought her behavior was due to the hormones she was taking. I was careless when she started to go out with a new group of girlfriends from work. I was busy with my work and I saw it as convenient. She said it was a distraction and that there were no feelings involved. It just incredible how fast it happened.

I only have a minute to respond ATM, but wanted to put one thing out there...you can get a prenatal DNA test to establish paternity.

She has been affectionate and communicative.

when I asked her about her feelings, she shuts down and does not want the pressure.

She said she still want to be sure about what she wants. I dont have her passwords.

She is commited to the recovery.

Shutting down and not talking about her feelings is not being communicative. If she's not sure about what she wants and isn't giving you her passords, then she's not committed to your marriage.

I had cheated too, but there were no affairs, more of a sexual addiction problem. She just never found out.

This must be addressed.

A few times she has asked me for space, but does not want me to leave the house, not even for one night.

Logan, when the WS wants a separation, it is always because the AP is still in the picture. Always. If she really wanted to stay married, she would be working on the marriage and not pushing you away. She may have blocked him initially but she probably unblocked him and is now exploring whether he could potentially accept a relationship with her while she is likely carrying your child. She's keeping you in the background as Plan B in case things don't work out with him. Don't accept this. She's either 100% in or you are moving on without her.

Do you have full access to her phone, email, social media, etc.? If not, get it and don't give her an opportunity to delete anything that may show she is still talking to the OM.

As for your indiscretions, you must come clean if you want to R with her. R means no more lies. It's not fair to her that she has to do all of this work alone. When you say sexual addiction, do you mean porn or were you sleeping with other people? Even a ONS is still an A on some level. Even seeing prostitutes counts. Whatever you're hiding, you must come clean and if you have been sleeping around, she must get an STD right away. Condoms do not protect from all STDs and an STD could mean she loses the baby.

And finally, are you sure the baby is yours? Are you sure she didn't also sleep with him around the same time the embryo was implanted? If there's even a slim chance that she could have gotten pregnant by him, get a DNA test right away.

Gently, also confess FULLY to what you've done with cheating. She deserves to know. It's the only way you'll both heal whether together or not. Is it possible she may know and you just don't realize it? Being fully open with her on that and her with you is the only way to fully get this moving in a positive direction. Do you have individual counseling to deal with your own issues? No offense, but it seems your comment about no affairs, only sex addiction seems to be downplaying and minimizing your own actions. I hope all works out, but get in counseling and come clean asap.

[This message edited by deena04 at 9:44 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

thank you for all the support. My issue was with more with massage parlors, but there were also full sex ecounters, sometimes even risky ones with the providers. Also a porn addiction problem. I have done it for years, even when we were dating. I was a serious problem even before I met her. So there is that part of me that needs to be addressed. I do believe that disclosing this will be the last nail in the coffin, but it will be for the better. I admit that I'm playing a double standard, where I see it as less damaging for not being an affair with feelings involved. I'm looking for counseling for myself. I made an appt for next week.

I found about the pre-born DNA test, apparently it can only be done after 7 weeks.

[This message edited by Logan999 at 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

My issue was with more with massage parlors, but there were also full sex ecounters, sometimes even risky ones with the providers. Also a porn addiction problem. I have done it for years, even when we were dating. I was a serious problem even before I met her. So there is that part of me that needs to be addressed. I do believe that disclosing this will be the last nail in the coffin, but it will be for the better. I admit that I'm playing a double standard, where I see it as less damaging for not being an affair with feelings involved.

What makes you believe that your actions are less damaging?

It doesn’t matter whether you didn’t have a “sexual affair”, you were sexually unfaithful to your wife. I think you need to come clean to her so you will both be accountable for your behaviors and decide the proper path. Your writing indicates that you want to just discard a child you jointly decided to conceive amid an already tense situation. The tensions of infertility can cause big issues and frustrations in a relationship. But you don’t get to call yourself a sex addict and complain about the pain she has caused you when she is completely unaware that you have done it to her.

There’s a baby coming now. Both of you need to be in IC to work on yourselves so you can be better partners to each other and if that isn’t going to happen, at least be good co-parents for this child.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 10:10 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

There is no hierarchy of infidelity. Hitting up prostitutes for NSA encounters is not somehow better or less damaging than a long term affair with one person. It’s all disgusting and destructive. She deserves to know who and what she is married to - just as you now know - so BOTH of you can make an informed decision about the future.

Let me get this straight. You went ahead with IVF knowing you had cheated on your wife repeatedly in massage parlours and put her health at huge risk. You then go ahead with an embryo transfer while you’re both questioning your marriage. Then you find out about her affair and despite the fact the the baby is most almost definitely yours (I know IVF very well and process and the timing of the positive test after transfer is bang on), you talk of a termination, to a wife who has been desperate for a child!?

You’re watching her struggling through all the pain she will be in, over her actions, while newly pregnant with an IVF baby, knowing that you have behaved appallingly in this marriage yourself. You’re being utterly hypocritical. This is a mess. That baby deserves healthy parents.

You need to tell her. You need to get together a timeline of your actions. No trickle truth, just tell her. You both need to be utterly aware of who you are married too, it would be the only way of moving forward, whether seperated or together. It’s not fair that you’re watching this woman in pieces, while keeping this massive secret to yourself.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 10:44 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

I find what you did to be worse than what she did. It's all perspective, isn't it? You used women like bought and paid for products. If you could have ordered a chick on Amazon and gotten free Prime 2-day shipping, you'd have done so, used her, then stuck a return label on her and sent her back. You used human beings as commodities.

Your wife cheated on you and it is devastating, isn't it? Both of you did horrible things to one another and now there's a child coming into the world who is tied to you both.

I suggest both of you work on fixing your shit whether you're together or not for the sake of this child. The baby deserves healthy parents. And if it's a girl, hope and pray that you never have to see her fall into a life of prostitution. Every one of those women is some man's little girl. Or should have been.

there is no excuse for my behavior. Her pain right now might be different as she crossed to the sentimental realm of things. She could move on faster. Her only inconvinience would be the finances and the support I give her in the house (shores, cooking etc). She had said to me she missed him, and I have no doubt she is still thinking about wether or not she can love me the same. Disclosing this will give her the perfect excuse to just end everything. and it serves me right. We were both not healthy and it often manifested in nasty fights. It was a disaster waiting to happen. I ask people on this forum, is it possible to start a life again after something like this? how is it raising a newborn separately? This baby did not deserve this. You are all right. I should have gotten help for my sex addiction a long time ago. I was playing the typical double male standard when it comes to sex and marriage. its incredible the type of mental games we can play with each other. I always considered myself a good husband, good law abiding person, but is all a game in my head.

I ask people on this forum, is it possible to start a life again after something like this?

Anything is possible. But Reconciliation is BUILT on truth and vulnerability. Emotional intimacy has to be re-established, and you can't do that when you're hiding who you are. You can never say that your wife loves you, because she doesn't KNOW you. And right now, you don't know her either. But that feeling of being accepted even when you are fully known, is the key to emotionally intimate bonding. It's what your relationship lacked and how it ended up breaking.

In terms of whether or not your WW leaves you when she finds out, yeah... that's possible. It's equally possible that she'll act on her own sense of guilt and end the relationship anyway, thinking there can never be true equality in it again. So, there's no safe course that guarantees you an outcome.

Your best bet, unpalatable as it may be, is to lay your cards out on the table. You might consider speaking with your therapist first and doing it in session if you need support.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:07 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

I ask people on this forum, is it possible to start a life again after something like this? how is it raising a newborn separately? This baby did not deserve this.

It is definitely possible to start a life again after all of this but it won't be a good one if you both put in the work even if you separate. And if your disclosure causes her to leave, then really it's what is best for the both of you. Maybe her A with the OM could be worked through if she was willing but yours on top of that might just make this marriage too broken for either of you to reconcile. She needs to make that choice for herself though and her reaction might surprise you.

Regardless of what happens, you need IC with someone who is familiar with sex addition to stop the serial cheating. Even if you haven't done it in a while.

I must admit, I am very confused about the tone of your post. You've been dealing with infertility issues for a while and you are finally pregnant! I would say congratulations, but it seems you have little or no interest in being a father. You want to terminate, or you say she will be raising the child alone. Are you not going for joint custody? Sole custody? There are many BS on this site that would give their right arm to keep their kids away from an AP. Even though this is your child that you've waited a very long time for, now you dont want him? I smell a rat. I highly recommend that you find a good CSAT and go thru some intensive counseling before you make any final decisions in this matter.

[This message edited by SMSA925 at 12:04 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Please tell her RIGHT NOW. As painful and ironic as it would be to terminate an IVF pregnancy, she may agree with you when she knows that you've been serially cheating. Every day, literally, that you wait to disclose, her choices get narrower. That baby will tie the two of you together forever, no matter how much animosity you have for each other. She deserves to know exactly what she's signing up for.