SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would like to add, if you think your wife didnt know something was wrong with your relationship, well, your denial is strong. I'm sure she doesnt know it's the SA, per se, but you will learn that SA is not a sex problem as much as it's a intimacy problem. She knows some is not right but she just doesnt know what it is. And shes handled it all wrong by stepping out of the marriage.

But that doesnt mean she doesnt deserve to know what's going on.

Take a journey over to the "I Can Relate" forum and read some in the "Partners of Sex Addicts" thread. Especially pg 1 that has all the suggested reading material and research on the subject. Please get some help. I wish you the best.

SMSA925 you raised a good point. I have made peace with the fact this child will be born and that I will be a father no matter what. The shock of the situation just made me think that termination was a better option. But now I realize the creature has no fault on this. We are both good, hard-working people, but obviously, we are not mentally healthy. The idea of this child growing up in a broken marriage kills me. We both had stable homes, with issues of their own, but our parents stayed together no matter what. I can see us working through this, but it will take an act of God for it to work. We both strong and want to stay together. On top of that, her temper always got the worse out of her and there were many times when I asked myself is she was the right partner for me. Right now the pain of the situation is eating me alive. I want to get to a healthy emotional point to disclose everything and be able to make an adult decision. THANK YOU ALL FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS, it was a great idea to join this forum. I wish I had done this years ago to look for help for my SA. In the meantime, we are seeing a counselor together. It was incredibly hard to find anything covered by our insurance, but I will give REGAIN a chance for IC, I have a call with a counselor tomorrow. Has anyone tried any of the online counseling services? do you recommend them?

the fact that there is a unborn child in the middle of all this is what is so incredibly hard about the situation. I know I can get over the affair if we stay together, or start a new life of my own, but with a child on the way, things wont be easy. I feel we were both not ready for this. At one point I proposed to push the transfer and get counseling. I even made her sign a paper to commit to it. But we both went head and had the transfer done, she was already having the affair, and me with my SA. Now there is a child that will be born in a broken marriage. sometimes you cant trust you gut, but see the facts.

Your therapist can give you more information and referral, but typically sex addiction services are a specialized subset. What you're looking for is a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). Oftentimes, the therapy will involve group sessions and a 12-step program in order to structure a support network. With that in mind, I'm not sure online counseling will suit your needs.

My understanding of the process is limited, so I'm sure the therapist you've already scheduled with can offer more details. The important thing though is that if you're going to finally resolve this issue, there needs to be honesty going forward. Full disclosure is a scary thing, but how can you achieve healing unless you're willing to rip off the band-aid and let some disinfectant in? You may (or may not) be able to save your marriage, but you can save yourself and become the kind of man and the kind of father you want to be.

Logan, DO NOT wait around on getting to better place to tell her everything. Many STDs can cause early labor, infections, low birthweight, and even brain damage to the child. HPV can cause aggressive cervical cancer within months and typically isn't even tested for during pregnancy. She and your child are at risk. You need to tell her to get tested right away.

BraveSirRobin I asked her to get an STD test after Dday, she is fine. I failed to mention that I did stop with the SA activities in early Feb and got an STD test then, everything was negative. But I do recognize what a horrible risky thing I was doing. I can only be grateful I never brought an STD home.

Logan, DO NOT wait around on getting to better place to tell her everything.

I want to say I agree with everything others have said including the above. But I also want to point out, if you don't tell her, your relationship will be toast. Everyday you wait, you are digging yourself a deeper hole. If you truly care about this relationship, you need to show humility, honesty, and commit to a both being better people for your family and yourselves. This does not excuse her conduct. BUT it will kill any potential for trust to be regained. Also, it is especially cruel to make any demands of her if you are unwilling to hold yourself to the same standard.

ETA: And whatever you do, do not minimize or rationalize your conduct. SA or not, you knew better or else you would not hide it from her. Emotional component or pure physical, it is still breaking vows and exhibiting wayward behavior. Don't do it. You need to own it.

[This message edited by KingRat at 4:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Early February?? You really have to tell her. This is beyond unfair to withhold from her. Rest assured that she will find out eventually one way or another and it is WAY better for you if you are the one to tell and don't minimize that crap. If it was no big deal, then it would have been okay for her to sleep with other men and I am betting that wasn't okay with you.

But we both went head and had the transfer done, she was already having the affair, and me with my SA

But she doesn't know about your infidelity. Granted, her having an A and having the FET done was not wise, but she has no clue that her chances of carrying an STD are "x" fold (her A partner plus your partners).

How were you able to stop your SA behavior for 4 months all on your own?

Be careful of labeling your cheating as SA. That explanation gets tossed around quite carelessly in these parts...and when celebrities and politicians get caught as well.

Have yourself professionally evaluated. And remember, SA does not minimize or condone your behavior, if it is determined that you indeed have an addiction. The crime is still the crime. "I did it because of my heroin addiction" doesn't bring the murdered robbery victim back to life.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:01 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Your wife may have suspected your affairs and was getting revenge. Your betrayal must be addressed. Even if you just considered it “sex” it is still wrong and still causes your spouse pain and doubt about the relationship.

My WH had that same minimizing crap, "it was just sex" which had started with the lie of "it was just oral".

My response to him was "Well shit, you mean that all this time I could have been out there having oral sex with other men and you didn't tell me??". That devolved to "So me having just sex with other men was part of our marital agreement and I didn't know?".

You had your wife in an open relationship without her knowledge or consent. I am not minimizing what she did as if she didn't know you were cheating, she certainly wouldn't have believed that it was allowed in your marriage. What I am questioning is whether or not you have any right to be upset with her behavior given what you had been up to behind her back all this time. That's awfully entitled of you, isn't it?

DevastatedDee you are right. That is why I think I can get over the her affair. There is a baby on the way. I'm beyond devastated and just getting over the trauma now. I'm finally realizing life is not over for me. that I can start another relationship from a healthy state of mind. At this point, I'm more worried about the safety of the child. My wife has no support network, she works, but there is no way in hell she can raise this child on her own. I can be a provider of course, but who will wake up at 3am when the child cries if I'm not there?.

We talked yesterday and she is talking more about her feelings, she still unsure, she said she wants to stay for the right reasons and that she has feelings for the AP and that has been very hard to not make contact. This really gave me the ultimatum. This is the first time she said she has feelings for the AP. She does not mention the well being of the baby at all. I disclosed the SA, and she had some basic questions, did not ask for details and not much o a reaction. I'm convinced now her feelings for me are gone. Its been only 2 weeks since dday and one theraphy sessions. I'm consulting with a divorce lawyer tomorrow, I need to be prepared for what is comming. Another thing about this is that she is hidding this from her family. Me too. What happened will devastate her mother, but I do want to get the satisfaction of bringing shame with her family, at least with her sister. This will bring shame to my family too. But I cant disclose her infidelity, they will hate her and she needs my family's help to raise the baby. This is my life now. I realize now how toxic and unhealhty state of mind society is in and the pain that any type of infidelity can bring to not only the marriage, but a person mental state. I dont want anybody to go through this. I feel better about myself, still young 38 and in good shape. Its sad an unfortunate these things happened.THANK YOU ALL FOR THE ADVICE

Its sad an unfortunate these things happened.

Wow. That's kind of a nonchalant way of looking at your life, your WW's life and your unborn's child's life being blown up. Maybe you're in shock, IDK.

On the other hand, it's better for your child to come from a broken home than to live in one. Both of you have severe issues that will require years of IC, if for anything so both of you can get to the root of your issues and coparent and love a healthy, well-adjusted child.

So I take it when you disclose her affair you'll be disclosing your own much longer sordid purchasing sex habit? Stop calling it SA in a big to legitimise it. To many people your behaviour is much worse yet you post as if it's nothing!

What happened will devastate her mother, but I do want to get the satisfaction of bringing shame with her family, at least with her sister.

Really? Being that they're going to be biased, do you really want to do that? Don't you think there is a good chance it will get spun into: The husband, who has been cheating with multiple prostitutes throughout the relationship, had given her cause to seek an emotional connection outside the relationship. Don't you think her sister will just view you as a vindictive hypocrite and her a victim that was "driven" into the arms of another? I'm not saying that is the objective truth, but just like you have spun your own history, you really think her sister is not capable of the same?

This will bring shame to my family too. But I cant disclose her infidelity, they will hate her and she needs my family's help to raise the baby.

Tell me honestly, is it that reason or is it because you know that by disclosing hers you will have to disclose yours?

Honestly, I don't see how anyone here has the moral high ground. This is dysfunctional behavior. You guys both hurt each other badly. Now, there is baby being brought into the world. Do you really want to go to war? You say you want stability for your child but are thinking of taking actions to undermine your goal.

Regardless of how you end up (R or D). You both need to accept and admit your actions were wrong and each should seek answers to why you chose to be equal partners in the demise of your relationship.

[This message edited by KingRat at 11:07 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

I am not sure if I understand this, so I will give you my interpretation. You stated you wanted to bring shame on her, especially her sister? I assume that means you will fully disclose your illicit habits to the full extent to her family and yours as well. Anybody you were going to tell about hers you better tell every single detail about yours to as well. I am not being mean, but stating facts here. Satisfaction and shaming her is not a healthy way to look at this. Do you feel shame for yourself? Like I said, if you are going to make her out to be a bad guy, then you better make sure you explain every single detail on yourself as well. That’s owning your own part. It’s also part of finding out why you both did this.

deena04 thank you for the advice, you are right, no reason to think this way. We were both in an unhealthy state of mind. I pray the baby is healthy and that I can be the best father I can be. That is the only thing is under my control now. The wife is showing ambivalence and says she still does not what she wants. Its time for us to start looking at reality and do what is necessary to stop hurting each other even more. I'm sure we both will be great parents. The family can be spared of the details of the break-up.

Its clear you think what you did wasnt a huge deal. It was. It is. You continuously exposed your wife to deadly STDs. When was her std tests done?

You cant wait to bring shame to her family?? But refuse to tell your family because they will hate her. Wow. Buying sex is pretty shameful. You have no problem throwing your wife under the bus, while you've been cheating for years. Your wife may very well tell your family and friends all about what you have been doing.

You've been doing your cheating for years. Her affair was a month long. Some will see what you did as far,far worse than what she did.

And you are already talking about how you can move on,and have a healthy relationship. I strongly advise several months of IC before you even think of getting involved with someone. You are so far from healthy right now.

Also,unless you have been diagnosed by a CSAT, stop calling it SA. Not everyone who watches a lot of porn,or buys women for sex is a SA. Some are just your average serial cheater. Regardless, whether you are a SA, you are a serial cheater. You need to own that.

She had feelings for another person. Horrible and inexcusable. You ruined your marriage the entire time for literally nothing. More horrible and inexcusable.