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The thing is this is a thread where the OP came seeking acknowledgment for her positive reaction to a very difficult, triggering experience and that’s what she deserves to receive from us. It always seems to me that there is a lack of empathy toward the BS when another more experienced BS jumps on this ‘don’t hate the AP’ band wagon, it can cause them distress, when all they wanted was to hear ‘you did good’.

Agreed. SI is a safe place to get the vitriol out.

((((InMyHead)))))

(((IMH)))) What a posow! Can she not stop with the adolescent behavior? Trying to get an army of supporters to protect her. Who are these women???

That took a lot of strength and control. Your character and grace in this situation are perfect examples of why you are better than her. And she knows it. Don't let this ruin any more of your days. Do a little meditation and reward yourself with something awesome. Turn this into a positive so you don't ruminate about it.

AND, to support others that said there is plenty of room to be angry at ow, I completely agree. I see 3 counselors--IC, EMDR psychotherapist, and marriage counselor. Each one of them supports me when I share my hatred for what she did to my family, how she made herself present in my home, how she wanted to take over my life, and respond with similar vitriol when I share stories of the bunny boiler antics that WH's posow has done. They want to know how WH supports my feelings and the marriage counselor follows through with WH to come up with ideas on how to make me feel safe and how to react when she continues her stupidity--like stalking us down to the lunch room at WHs work.

Never have any of the three counselors told me that my feelings aren't validated or that I shouldn't hate her. Never has one told me that ow didn't break a vow to me. Never has one told me to let it go with posow and focus on WH.

Good for you! I'm glad you were able to maintain your cool and your dignity.

T/j FEEL I'm where you are. The AP means absolutely, zero to me. She has no power over me because I realize how beneath me she is. I also realize how stupid my X was for affairing so far down. But I would never presume to lecture another. In the first year, if Shrek had dared to come on my property, I would have called the police on her. If she dared got in my face I would have beat her ass. It takes time to get to the meh I have found. What the poster did, basically walk away, is a big thing. You come across, I'm sure it's not intentional, as your own cheering squad for being the example for the moral high ground. The poster doesnt need someone lecturing her about how she should feel just because you feel that way. She has every right to hate the OW. The OW is a shitty person, period. My X's AP cyberstalked me, she called and threatened me, she had family and friends cyberstalking me and reach out to harass me. You dont know what the AP may or may have not done in the past to the OP.

At no point did the OP ask our advice in this thread for ways to stop hating the AP. She came on to receive support for doing the right thing and just walking away. She doesnt need to be preached at or lectured. Maybe we should stick to that in this thread. It's very invalidating to come home with an A- on your report card to be lectured on how we could have, instead, gotten an A+.

I truly appreciate all the feedback I visit this forum/site to get advise and to vent because I literally have no other outlet without judgment... Something that was brought to my attention in IC was I never really delt with the A due to so many unfortunate events that followed. Seeing AP really opened up those old wounds... I cried all day yesterday and today, hell I'm crying right now. I have a tremendous amount of work to do for ME. I actually understand where FEEL is coming from and I hope to be so at peace one day... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

The issue is not the OW. If your WS didn't stray the OW wouldn't have existed

Respectfully, this pisses me off too. Yes, our spouse is the one that betrayed us, but these idiot OW/OM should have said this:

"I am sorry WW, but you are married (and in a lot of cases) I am married too. I have integrity, morals and values that prevent me from starring in your shit show. If you have marital problems please either fix them or do the right thing and divorce your spouse".

Granted, NO A should happen, but the other person involved is just as responsible in my humble opinion.

and it's completely appropriate to be triggered by the AP - it reminds the BS of what the WS did.

I remember early on one of my BFF (and a therapist too) said, "if you see her she means nothing."

Um, yes, yes she does. She's the reminder of what he did.

[This message edited by sewardak at 1:36 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Not in anyway defending AP....they are all evil..

just wanted to point out , there is no telling what your WH told her...he could have made you out to be evil....abusive...cruel...and she could believe every single word...felt sorry for wub wub… all she knows, is what he told her...think about that...

Im going thru this now....XWH has AP...for the last 2 years....yes...while we were married....and I know what he tells people...he tells our children....and family..He makes up stuff...and none of its true....HE has brain damage...HIs version of lies are outlandish...and everyone knows the truth....but not AP....

eVery OW hated me....I was a great wife and mother...I sat at home devastated that he cheated...why did they hate me? ANd where do they hold themselves? being the OW? The Wayward is not blameless..

I no longer hate the OW's....I used to hate them with a passion....a huge passion....now I realize they have been lead on, lied to, used up and dumped....they may not be model citizens, but XWH started, participated in, and deceived them....all for sport...I changed my outlook...WH was far more evil then OW. Far less caring....and he did this to me...she joined in and watched from afar...

It was a huge process....It took me a long time to get here...I feel much better that I have.

Mostly I consider them desperate....dumb....and willing....looking for someone...anyone....anyway....they cause much damage...hoping for any crumb.

The real question for me was: What is my husband?

I passed the two of them on a street, just 2 hours ago....no response what so ever...they can have each other....Im free...Im safe...Im living without cheating. I don't mind if they hate me...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:48 PM, June 17th (Monday)]