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I am so hurt. The thought of leaving her is a terrible one, but way worse is to live like this. I think honesty is very important and it adds to the pain.

How do I face reality? She is not with me anymore, she does not love me and worse, looking back, she has always been this way. Now she is only tired of pretending and I am tired of my blindness.

I think about her and how it was before all the time. She makes me feel guilty. I begged for her to reconsider her actions, but she wont.

I stopped.

I took action, I am not begging anymore, but the pain just grows stronger. What do I do to handle this pain? The love? And most importantly, the flashbacks of what she was and is doing with him?

Thank you so much

[This message edited by bluelights at 10:37 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

You walk away. You are NOT simply one-half of a relationship. You are a whole, unique human being all on your own. You're caught in this vortex of need right now because you feel like you're losing something. That's natural. We all feel like that when we're intimately betrayed and because we're here at SI... we know the feeling. So, you can trust us when we say that the answer is to ENGAGE IN YOUR OWN LIFE. Take a walk, call a friend, join a gym, see a movie, take up a hobby, knit a sweater, bake a cake, degrease an engine, build a birdhouse, paint a sunset, whatever... just DO something. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

You are more than a relationship. When you start reminding yourself of that, you start feeling better.

I am much more than this relationship, but I put so much weight on this and adding my personality, I would not know the difference between the relationship and my life. Now I know.

It hurts, but I need to be my own person. I cannot force her to be with me or respect me. I cannot force myself to accept what I cannot: lies, infidelity, and disrespect.

I loved her with all my being and I was of much help as well.

I do not even think I loved too much, but I sure loved without being loved. I wish I am wrong. Yet, so many here know I am not.

The only thing I will add or enforce to this conversation is that she is not the only person in this world that can win your heart. Yes she holds it for now, but I guarantee she’s not the best person out there in the world for you.

There are others out there who will eventually make you thankful that you didn’t waste another day on the woman who betrayed you.

So take it slow but realize you have great opportunities for love and happiness in the future.

It hurts, but I need to be my own person. I cannot force her to be with me or respect me. I cannot force myself to accept what I cannot: lies, infidelity, and disrespect.

Perfect answer. Write it down and put it in your wallet; refer to it often.

So, now you redirect your energy. Doesn't matter how big or how small the project, but DO some kind of enjoyable activity, even if it's just grabbing a glass of iced tea and watching the birds. Doesn't matter. What matters is that you're cultivating your own sense of contentment. We lose identity when we become too enmeshed in our relationships and we don't realize how much we've invested until after the relationship is withdrawn. Part of the healing journey is rediscovering what we like and what we don't.

Did you ever see that movie, Runaway Bride? There's a scene in which Julia Roberts' character is challenged about how she likes her eggs. When she's with one guy she likes them the same way he does, and with another guy her preference becomes his, and so on. There comes a point in which she realizes that she keeps getting so enmeshed she doesn't even really know how she likes her eggs cooked. So, she tries a bunch of different styles until she finds her own preference. It's like that. These small activities are going to start reminding you who YOU are. So, try something new. Retry something old. It doesn't matter. It's about rediscovering yourself and applying ENERGY to it.

How do I face reality? She is not with me anymore, she does not love me and worse, looking back, she has always been this way. Now she is only tired of pretending and I am tired of my blindness.

Love can be blinding and denial just prolongs it.

This is who she is. With clarity you'll discover this isn't the end of your world and she's not some irreplaceable snowflake.

Hard 180 will bring clarity. That's something you get to decide.

The only one that can keep you where you are is you. No one else has that power.

What do I do to handle this pain? The love? And most importantly, the flashbacks of what she was and is doing with him?

You get into Individual Counseling.

You start (or increase) physical activity. I've been a runner for 20 years, but ramped it up on D-Day - wound up winning a bunch of races and getting really strong.

Also yoga/meditation.

What do you like to do? Restart some hobbies. Rediscover who you are.

I promise you that life can get so much better. You've likely been compromising your true self for years to keep the peace. I was, yet didn't realize it until I was alone and needed to rebuild. My life now is so much better than it ever was when I was with him. Yet 7+ years ago, I considered suicide because of him and was certain my life was ruined forever. Instead, getting a second chance was the best thing that ever could have happened to me.

Seize this opportunity to find real love! You've got this!

Rediscover who you are.

I completely agree with this.

It seems you have tied your life, your value, your esteem, and your happiness completely to this woman.

You are seemingly letting her define you and your worth.

Her behavior has been disgusting and despicable and, I believe, you are associating yourself to all of it.

I stated it in previous posts and I will state it again because it is critical in your dealing with this and getting yourself out of it all.

Your wife's betrayal and despicable behavior has nothing to do with you nor did it have anything to do with your marriage.

There is nothing you could have done or said differently that would have prevented her from doing this - nothing.

Untie yourself from her and her world - she is a very toxic source.

I can assure you there will be no good in staying with someone who is very aware in how callous and cruel she is being.

My ex-wife was very, very similar to how your wife is acting now - nasty, mean, and cruel.

To this day, she still maintains a high level of contempt and hostility towards me - even though I never remotely wronged her in any way.

She does this why? Because she got caught.

She got caught and exposed as the opposite of the princess-sweetheart-that-would-never-hurt-anyone bullshit facade that seeks never-ending praise because that praise completely defines her and her value.

She knows I know what's behind the facade and that makes her furious.

It doesn't matter whether it's a big step or a small step - just take a step forward to get away from her.

Once you are completely outside of it all and able to look at it from the outside, you will see that you never belonged in there in the first place.

keptmyword

I am not doing great today. Dday was terrible and my trauma increased by the lack of truth. I could not get information because I was manipulated a lot not to. So, here I stand knowing she cheated on me, nothing else. Can you tell me what you think is the outcome my WW deserves from me? I am so afraid of her vindictive nature and I know she wont stop until I am down to my grave. There are many things I wish I would do.

I am so hurt.

Cut out any unnecessary contact. You are the master of your own fate not her.

How about exposition?

BLUE: All these people are right. Take time for yourself. Do something physical to keep healthy. Get yourself tested, get good rest, all that advice – and more – is sound. These people have helped me through some really dark tunnels, worse than what you’re going through, believe it or not! Take their advice and put it into action.

The pain you are going through is horrible, but as you move along through life, make changes, take care of yourself, and get help in IC, you will find your way through the pain. You can do it and we are here to help you, but we can’t do it for you. Some days you take a big step, some days a little one, and sometimes not at all, but that’s ok.

You’re going to be fine. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will be.

Go absolutely dark on her.

Detach and then divorce.

Get this horrible, despicable person out of your life. You are far better than her or her POSUM. You are loving, loyal and moral.

She is none of these and is no loss. Find the strength to accept this and one day you will rejoice that you are no longer with this toxic person.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 7:30 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find you get what you need!

My point is....#1 if you want out of this pain you have to try. #2 if you look hard enough you will get what your need. #3 your old lady is bringing out the worst in you …..and that is not what you need.

You are letting this define you, so find something else that defines you.

In my case....I know for a fact that it's not what knocks me down that counts...it's how I get back up that matters! That's how I define my self to the folks that love me. AND MY OLD LADY DOES NOT LOVE ME. PERIOD..

My old lady could careless what knocked me down or how I dusted my self off and get back up...but I....I know her shyt won't define me!!!!! PHUCK HER!!!!

Hi people. It has not been a few days that hell broke loose in my life and it is already over. She knows I filled for divorce. When I told her the papers were coming next week, she said she is only happy to sign the papers.

I thought she would finally see the light. She is going to live with the OM and says she cannot or want not to be around me. She never told me the truth. I will never know.

All I wanted was to save my M and I came here with my heart full of hope. I read a lot and I gave her a book to help me in this difficult time. She made the opposite of what the book describes. I tried all I could, but she does not love me. She does not care either. I care so much for her, I always did.

I think I cannot live through this. My life is destroyed and I am out of work as well because of her lies. I cannot take it anymore. It is too painful. My whole life is to panic and pray God will make her be good to me.

bluelights, you can get through this. Look at all the people here on SI that have been through it. It seems impossible but we did it. Yes, we will be forever changed in some way. Some ways better and some ways not as good but we get through it and move on with life. It takes time and you need to work on yourself.

About 70% of betrayeds have PTSD. I did or, maybe, do. I think you can only learn to deal with PTSD with counselling and you need a counsellor with training in PTSD and probably EMDR. Nonetheless, IMO you need counselling just like I did and still do.

Your post really worries me. I see defeat and the possibility of not wanting to continue living. Please, please, please get some help. Get the numbers for the Suicide Prevention Help Lines.

She is not worth your life. She has shown you who and what she is. This is not your failure but hers. Please get help. Immediately. Invest in yourself. You are worth it.

Please take care of yourself. Talk to people close to you. See a counselor and doctor to get professional help to work through this pain. You can do it!

The pain will lessen and you will recover. It may not seem that way now but it will happen. Getting active and getting the help you need will speed up this process.

It is devastating to love someone and not be loved in return. But in your case, your WW is showing you who she really is. She isn't being kind to you in any way even though you are in such pain. What does that tell you?

Do you really want to be with someone that selfish for the rest of your life? You may think you want it but do you think it would be good for you?

There is someone better out there for you. And you will find her after you heal yourself and get out of this infidelity.

All I wanted was to save my M and I came here with my heart full of hope. I read a lot and I gave her a book to help me in this difficult time. She made the opposite of what the book describes. I tried all I could, but she does not love me. She does not care either. I care so much for her, I always did.

I think I cannot live through this. My life is destroyed and I am out of work as well because of her lies. I cannot take it anymore. It is too painful. My whole life is to panic and pray God will make her be good to me.

Please try to stop wasting your time on her and start investing that time in yourself. I also process by reading, and one of the ways that I found the strength to divorce (and to continue with the divorce) was by reading tons of books. On cheating, lying, brain function, etc. Have you read any books on co-dependency?

It sounds like you loved her more than you loved yourself, and that is not a tenable situation. Start finding the love for yourself! You will have hard times ahead, but I promise that if you work through this, you will be happier than you ever were with her. You will find a lady who loves you and who treats you as well as you treat her.

I was where you are now back in 2011/2012. Things are so much better now that I can't believe I'm the same person. You are likely battered down after years of emotional abuse. But you are a wonderful, worthy, loving, lovable person, and you deserve ever so much more than she is capable of giving. Your only mistake was picking the wrong woman to love. Asking god to make her change your ways is like asking god to give your dog human speech and the capability of having interesting conversations. It's never going to happen.

I also lost my job right around D-Day. Focus your attention right now on getting a new job. That will help with your self-esteem and self-respect. I had to keep reminding myself that the best revenge is a life well-lived. I decided I wanted to get revenge, so I make a wonderful life for myself. At first, it was just to spite him, but then I realized I was loving life, and that I deserved to love life. He no longer matters (and doesn't even know how great my life is as we have been NC for over 7 years).

Please don't fall into a pit of permanent despair. Keep moving forward. Seek professional help if needed. But you owe it to future you to start loving yourself and working for your future happiness. I know you can do it!

I am doing way worse today. She told me so much on the first days after Dday and it was all a lie, but I hoped the feelings were true. I am so sad, I cannot think about anything anymore. I am sorry to say, I still want to save it. I cannot get out of despair by this point.

Look my friend, a billion men have gone through exactly what you are going through right now. Tossed away by their wife like a used kleenex while she clings to her new-found lover. Just like these men you will move past this and find a new life. If you choose to harden your heart toward her and end all contact with her you will begin to heal today. If you pine away and keep trying to "save your marriage" you will continue to suffer with no end in sight. At some point you will need to accept that your relationship with her is dead and you have to move on. You can start that process now....or keep doing what you're doing and stay in suffering mode. Your choice.