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I understand. I will be back at the house soon, but I am in shock still and I am unable to stop crying. The OP is not married. I depend on her for housing now because of the A as well. To cover her lies, she made me lose my old job. It was ok, she could keep the bills for a few months, but she was keeping more than bills, she was keeping a secret. I am in a shit situation anyway.

[This message edited by bluelights at 3:52 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I really wanted to save my marriage.

You can't save your marriage only your wayward wife could do that.

You need to wake up and get yourself together. Right now you need your wits about you or you could end up in even worse shape.

I should call the OP, I should love myself a bit, but I cannot think about anything rather than I love her so much, why would she do that? How can I save this? All of about lie and more lies and she is lying right now too. Why would she do this to me and make with me what she would not support facing herself? I was so nice to her during these days, I know now it was the wrong move. I asked for things, she told me she would do, but she did not and she is with him now. I will follow the advice here, I am just in need of a friend right now.

blue lights - of course you wanted to save your marriage. You've had the rug pulled out from under you and feelings don't change overnight, that's why you are still trying to rescue your relationship, and your wife is cold and cruel, because she has been preparing for this for a lot longer than you have.

I'm sorry, but I'd be very surprised if you can pull your relationship back together. And even if you do force that outcome, can you truly be happy after what she has done outside of your marriage, and how she has treated you?

In the end, the person you will have to live with, always, is yourself. It's time to lock your jaw, stiffen your spine, and man up!

However this ends up, you need to be able to hold your head high! Whether she stays or she goes, she needs to suffer the consequences of her actions!

Destroy this relationship she has built on lies. Expose her at work and. To key mutual contacts.

She'll rage at you. She will be mad. "How could you do this to me?!"

You are not going to lose her over showing her consequences. You've already lost her.

You're actually creating new choices for her. Come back home, or be left with nothing.

I think she deserves nothing, but that will be your choice.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:37 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Can I take some time before I destroy her illusion? I am terrified of the idea, but I can try to eat and sleep this week and make all I should have done. I also need to stop obsessing over these texts I did not read or copy. I need to see I was loving, loyal husband. I treated her so well, I know this because I always wanted someone to treat me well, so I do my best. I love her, love her in a pure way. I see her like a flower. I am devastated to my core. I wanted to fix this with all my heart. She said I was the love of her life, I married her, I stayed by her in troubled times of her life... I even saved her twice. How could she do this? She was leaving me for another man... she did not tell me and when I found this out, she treated me worse, then she told me not to leave her and she left herself.

How old are you bluelights?

You seem quite young and extremely CoDependent.

Have you suffered abuse previously?

Can I take some time before I destroy her illusion? I am terrified of the idea

You seem hellbent to not ACT, what you need right now is to ACT DECISIVELY, your WW is way ahead of you, take control of your life and move back home TONIGHT !!!, don't tell her you're coming back, just show up and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends, then file for D immediately, if FULL EXPOSURE and D papers served at work don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, but either way you get out of infidelity, again ACT NOW and let the chips fall where they may.

I am 34 and I have suffered abuse as a child. I am also know for caring a lot about people in my life. I have some problems letting go. This issue with my marriage is different. I did not expect her to do this to me, never thought about doing this to her or wanted to, never ever. I had no worries about this topic. Of course I would call her up on some strange behaviour over the years, but I trusted her. Why would you be married if you do not trust the person? She now seems different from the person I saw before. I love her and marriage was a big thing for me. I knew what I wanted and I thought she knew as well. However, the first time it happens or that I caught her, she wants out. I should be the one saying if I am in or out. Well, the saddest story. The worse way it could happen, it happened.

Never got the truth.

WS put me on the street, shows no remorse. Tells me the OP is better.

12 years dedicated to this person I love so deeply.

I am shaking in despair.

The affair is still going on and WS only worry is if I will contact OP.

I want the truth. I want her back, but she does not care for me one bit!

First, you must sear into your heart, mind, and soul that what your wife has been doing has NOTHING to do with you and it had NOTHING to do with your marriage - no matter what she says.

Ok?

Again, none of your wife’s cruel and callous behavior has anything to do with you.

Your wife’s reasons for this inconceivably selfish behavior exist only within her and have existed within her long, long, before you ever met her.

The fact that she is showing no remorse and wants to be extra sadistic and tell you shit like her adultery guy is better does not bode well for any sort of reconciliation - at all.

Adulterous a-holes who act like this when they get caught are a lost cause.

If she didn’t have an immediate “What have I done?!?!” realization of how despicable she has been then she will probably never will - ever.

She will always defer it to being your fault with the mental acrobatics that adulterous assholes use to justify behavior that is unjustifiable.

I know the pain, the anguish, the shock, the sleeplessness, the fear, and the despair that comes with this ultimate betrayal.

Those feeling are all normal and all ok to feel.

But, it’s time to let the anger come through.

Not anger that is going to result in violence, but righteous anger that helps you pick your self up, get decisive, and get yourself the fuck out of her world of infidelity.

I mean it - you need to get the fuck out of her and her adultery partners world of fantasy-based bullshit where you are inexplicably deemed the villain and her fuckwad adultery guy is the knight in shining armor that has rescued her.

The more quickly you can extract yourself from this situation - the better.

You have not indicated that you have any children with her.

If not - WONDERFUL!!!

That will make this far easier, far quicker, far less painful, and has spared any children the mind-bending, life-altering, and terribly damaging pain that they go through for no other reason than someone childishly acting on their selfish addictions.

Pull your head off the floor, come up screaming.

See an attorney.

File for divorce and steamroll through the process.

Get yourself away from this wildly-toxic, backstabbing, and deceitful person.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, you love her, and reconciliation, and want her back and all that desperation shit you’re feeling right now because you are desperate to get back to the normalcy that you once knew and were comfortable with.

You must come to terms with the fact that what you had before is no more.

That said, what you can have in your future away from this one-woman shit-show is far, far, far better and healthier than the world you are in now.

This woman has humiliated herself, not you.

You have kept true to your word, maintained your integrity, and therefore held your honor.

Leave her behind and all the shit that is with her.

As sure as we are all born and as sure as we will all pass, you will not regret leaving all this behind you.

I WANT TO ACT, THIS IS MY DEEPEST DESIRE.

However, I cannot go back today or tomorrow. My cousin wont let me. I am far away and my family is dead worried about me going back to that house. I am with the closest person I could stay. It is why I need to eat and pretend I am doing fine so I can leave. I want to ACT. I am afraid of her, of the hell she already is putting me through and the things she can make against me. She and the OP together will be stronger after this and they will crush me. I am in shock and shaking.

keptmyword

Thank you!

I want to do just that. I know I cannot live with what she did, the way she treated me.

I want her to come and change and ask me to stay. Instead I asked her to stay and work things through and she said NO.

I assure you that I was good husband. I understood all her bad times, all her distance, all her screaming at me for nothing. I love her, hugged her, kissed her good morning everyday. I held her hand when she did not want sex, I held her near when she felt unloved by the world. 12 years, never have I ever pass a day without a love you, a text, an email saying how luck I was.

She rewrote the marriage and now the OP is the best thing that ever happened to her.

bluelights posted:

Can I take some time before I destroy her illusion? I am terrified of the idea, but I can try to eat and sleep this week and make all I should have done. I also need to stop obsessing over these texts I did not read or copy. I need to see I was loving, loyal husband. I treated her so well, I know this because I always wanted someone to treat me well, so I do my best. I love her, love her in a pure way. I see her like a flower. I am devastated to my core. I wanted to fix this with all my heart. She said I was the love of her life, I married her, I stayed by her in troubled times of her life... I even saved her twice. How could she do this? She was leaving me for another man... she did not tell me and when I found this out, she treated me worse, then she told me not to leave her and she left herself.

Sure, you can wait to act, and wallow in misery and feeling bad for yourself after what she has done to you considering how good you have been to her.

But you'll only be doing more damage to yourself.

bluelights posted:

However, I cannot go back today or tomorrow. My cousin wont let me. I am far away and my family is dead worried about me going back to that house. I am with the closest person I could stay. It is why I need to eat and pretend I am doing fine so I can leave. I want to ACT. I am afraid of her, of the hell she already is putting me through and the things she can make against me. She and the OP together will be stronger after this and they will crush me. I am in shock and shaking.

This makes no sense to me. You are an adult, you can go an do what you want to.

Frankly, you are just too scared to act.

You don't have to even do the things that will deliver her consequences if you don't want to. Just get on with your life then, that is really the most important thing.

I did not want to be so sad and afraid.

bluelights posted:

I assure you that I was good husband. I understood all her bad times, all her distance, all her screaming at me for nothing. I love her, hugged her, kissed her good morning everyday. I held her hand when she did not want sex, I held her near when she felt unloved by the world. 12 years, never have I ever pass a day without a love you, a text, an email saying how luck I was.

Your wife doesn't care about any of that. She doesn't want a man who is nurturing in that way.

If you learn nothing else, learn this: Being a loving and nurturing man is wonderful, but it doesn't guarantee you a successful relationship with a woman. Nothing does.

But being a loving, nurturing man who ensures that his woman understands his boundaries and that there are consequences for violating them, who leads, and who takes action, is a lot more likely to keep his woman.

You can start learning how to be a man who enforces boundaries, leads and takes action, by taking the proven advice you have been given.

It's up to you.

bluelights posted.

I did not want to be so sad and afraid.

I understand your sadness.

But what are afraid of? your wife leaving for another man?

That happened already. What else are you afraid of?

I assure you that I was good husband. I understood all her bad times, all her distance, all her screaming at me for nothing. I love her, hugged her, kissed her good morning everyday. I held her hand when she did not want sex, I held her near when she felt unloved by the world. 12 years, never have I ever pass a day without a love you, a text, an email saying how luck I was.

I’m sure this is all true and that you were a very good husband and partner to this woman.

But, none of that means a fucking thing.

You could have been the best, most wonderful, most praise-giving, and greatest standard-bearer for what is a good husband to all husbands.

And, you could have been the biggest dick, fucking tyrant, and worst unbearable asshole of a husband ever.

And NONE of the above has ANYTHING to do with ANY reason why your wife has betrayed you.

So stop wasting ANY time trying to reason out or figure out in your mind WHY she is acting like this.

It has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your task here and now is not to figure out why she stabbed you in the back - the “why” about it is not your problem, that’s hers (and her adultery guy’s).

Your problem is that you are still married to this person who betrayed you, lied to you, deceived you, and vilified you for no other reason than her internal selfish bullshit.

Don’t waste your time trying to figure out why - use your time to get your self completely out of her world.

Right now, don’t worry about exposing her infidelity or her adultery guy.

See an attorney.

Consult with at least two or three of the best attorneys you can find in your area.

Again, see an attorney, and when you do make sure the attorney is more of the aggressive, shark-like type.

Tell the attorney your concerns and fears about whatever it is you are afraid of your wife and adultery guy doing to you.

I’m certain your fears are not well founded.

That fact that you don’t have kids and alimony is probably not likely since adultery is a factor makes this very likely a relatively easy divorce.

Actually, it sounds like alimony may go your way instead of hers.

Get angry, get an attorney, get divorced, and leave this entire situation in your wake.

Dude, I was where you are. I love my wife with all my heart and when I found out this fine Christian lady raised in a fine Christian home by fine Christian foster parents cheated on me, I was absolutely devastated. It took a few weeks, but I am now in a better position than before. I have set boundaries for her in writing and am determined to stick by them.

My advice to you, who is running in the same lane as me just waaaayyy back, is: GO, GO, GO, GO!!!!

She’s told you to F*** off!! She told you to get the F*** out of the house! She’s told you she’s found someone better and is banging him in your own bed!! Does this sound like she loves you!? Though you love her, she is filled with hate and disgust for you. I know – I’ve been there, or so it seemed.

Do what others have already said to do and do it NOW! If the OM comes into your home, introduce yourself and tell him to leave. If he decides to stay and the WW wants him in the bedroom for some nookie, interrupt and make noise, ask how it’s going in there, do they need anything, turn the heater up to 85, frequently fart outside the bedroom door then say “excuse me”, vacuum the hallway and keep bumping the bedroom door, talk to her through the door about what mail came that day, play music she hates really loudly and shine you car lights or flashlight into the bedroom window, and tap on the window asking if everything is ok, keep sauerkraut handy and cook it nice and hot, everything you can to make him not want to come back. If they want to bang each other before the D is over, make it enticing for them to do it elsewhere. Spread the work at her job that the man is porking your wife – a married woman. Print a brief description on an 8 ½ x 11 paper of what they’re doing and make lots of copies. Be sure to include first and last names so there’s no mix-up. Go to her work and leave a copy under every car’s wiper, tape it to every door and stick it on every bulletin board. As far as I am concerned, she has already divorced you and has moved on. Now, she’s just rubbing it in your face! Treat her like a girlfriend – you do the same and move on.

(Maybe this is a little extreme, but BOY did it feel good to write it!!) (And, of course, talk to a lawyer before doing the wiper thing.)

[This message edited by Beachwalker at 8:41 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]