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Tell her husband ASAP. Hard 180. Get your bitch boots on and start kicking.

Good luck.

I would not..OHHHHH I wanted to talk to AP...she worked beside him every day...lunches, office parties, travel...it gave me PTSD...I couldn't do it..

YOu will never hear what you need....SHe is just as dishonest...SHe has been lying and hiding just as much as your husband....she is not able to tell the truth...it will match your H story, or she will throw him under the bus, to save herself...or maybe a new story all together....how will you know?

If she tells a good convincing story, how will you know...it will eat at you..you will ruminate it for months years...and still...you will never know...was part of it true? any of it true?

I haven't even mention the new parts that hurt you...that crush you...what if she says he bought her a ring? proposed? planned D? none of this is helpful...none can be proven...she is a cheat and a liar...accept that...she is garbage. You cant trust any of this..and in addition....you know he lied to her...fooled her...convinced her of all kinds of crap....that she truly believes...

She isn't the problem...it took me years to get that...I HATED HER!!! SHe was seeking attention, a relationship...and my H gave it to her...MY HUSBAND DID IT...he chose it...he planned it...he liked it...he continued it..he did this to our marriage...because he liked it...

and sadly your H is not trustworthy...Maybe a lie detector...I wish I had gotten one...we agreed on one twice....and it never happened...which is an answer in itself...

What do you want to hear? why? I would definitely tell the other spouse...to make sure the A ends...no matter what...that's number 1. Maybe then you can compare stories with OBS. Maybe not...at least the A is over.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:10 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Hey Tipperm.

I know him so well though if I tell her hisband that is 100% it for us.he will never forgive me even if he found I tell her..

I have told him no contact is the knkh way..he says yes and we wont so delete her from social media but he thinks it's my controlling ways again..well yes in this case yes..he thinks then it will cause so much drama..I said so..I thought you dont care?! Do you think I should try to contact her first as an attempt especially at this sad time with his Mum just dying last week?

You’re trying to control the behaviours of the OW. Can’t be done. You can not control other people. You can only control YOU. You have absolute control over YOUR choices and YOUR life. Right now, you are letting fear control your thinking.

What feels right to you? What do you want? First thing your WH needs to do is write a NC letter:

OW: I want no further contact with you in any form. Do not text, Skype, talk, or use Morse code to communicate. I am dedicating myself back to what is important - my wife and family. Further contact outside of business-related discussions will result in harassment charges.

Then he needs to leave the job. Somewhere in there - OBS MUST BE TOLD - so that he can begin making choices about the truth of his life.

If your husband refuses to take the first step and write the NC letter (and he will because he is currently manipulating and controlling YOU using your fear)...then you need to implement consequences.

Listen - the affair is ongoing. Right in front of you now. Eventually your anger will overcome your fear and you will do the right things on your own. As long as you’re afraid and focussed on a single outcome (WH don’t leave me!!!!) you will continue to flail about with no success. I was there. I remember.

Don’t be afraid of losing WH. Be afraid of remaining in a marriage with a lying cheater. How long will you allow it? Because it stops once you say it stops.

Hey crazycatlady..I am trying the 180 but just keep failing..I am weak and scared.. not wanting to lose him and my family.. my kids are so young..it's just crap..

I wish I could find my bitchboots but know that when I play dirty he will play so much worse and it will end it definitely no reconciliation or moving forward..

your giving him lots of time, and plenty of warning to tell her you going to tell her spouse...why?

They can match stories to perfection...make you look crazy...

You get to call the shots....its your decisions now that matter..

DId it ever occur to him, you might resent him forever? or that you may never get over it? you might never forgive him? That you will not be controlled anymore? did it ever occur to him, you might make some tough decisions? D him? over this...

You do what you have too....his threats no longer matter....its what you need. these are called consequences...when you blow up peoples lives, there are consequences.

Yes Cancuncrushed..I dont even want a reply from her and know that she most likely won't reply..yes if she did it still wouldn't take away the worry and fears and I still wouldn't know..

He is the problem..he did say yes to the lie detector but again accused me of being so crazy and controlling and thr lengths I would go it..he keeps saying I'm leaving my job for this..I have no job to go to..my mum has died and you are being like this??!

Hi Sassylee he will never do it..he is weak..says they have been friends for years why does he have to remove her from social media..he said he'll just come off it..which I said is not thr solution.. that hes weak..

Do you think him leaving the job will take it all away in the end...would he resign if he was still with her?

Yes Cancuncrushed..but I am pretty 100% sure he hasn't told her.. at all.. he didnt ewant to upset her and make it awkward at work..can you believe that?! But I reckon its cos he wanted to keep her in the wing!

Do you think a message from me will not scare her as a start.. make her feel some fear as I have?

You said yourself...who lies on their mothers grave....remember that....he will use it over and over...You are still believing most of his stories? Why?

I would make my demands...180 and stop all this talking...he is not trying....he needs to show some action..

I know you are afraid...I know this is scary...but when you show them, you will never leave, no matter how bad they treat you....it will repeat...I did that.....

He knew I would never leave...HE knew I was terrified...He punished me with it...over and over...rubbed it in my face....he lost respect for my neediness...and resented me as a ball and chain..love was not there...

I heard many lies, about why he couldn't confront her, he didn't want to lose his job, they could just be coworkers...they had to work together...they had to travel together...he had to...he had to...he had to...and it was ok....

It was all lies...they were having a full A., the time of their lives, he was in love with her, and considering D...nothing was the truth...it was stalling.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:21 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

No - a message will not scare her. It will just make them more secretive and careful. She’ll start laying the groundwork with her husband to expect a call from my friends crazy wife - so sad! He loves her so much but she’s gone of the rails this last little while. She’s called a dozen husbands accusing their wife’s of sleeping with her husband. Everyone’s mad at him but it’s not his fault! He’s the innocent here. We think there’s a mental illness at play and he’s trying to get her to see a professional. So sad....

You are fence sitting with a fence sitter. One of you needs to get out of infidelity and start controlling their life. That’s why you need to tell the other BS and move on. It’s so hard to do but it works.

The 180 gives you back your integrity and puts the pressure on him. Whether he chooses you or not, you have chosen to leave the mess with or without him.

Your marriage is not healthy until you stand up for you.

Fuck him and his friend. They aren’t worth ten seconds of your heartbreak. Your children will gain more from having a mother who stopped this shit cold.

Tell the other BS NOW. Blow this fucker up.

Good luck.

I know him so well though if I tell her hisband that is 100% it for us.he will never forgive me even if he found I tell her..

If this does it - it would anyway. I felt the same way...and guess what??? He said it was over and that I should get out and 5 minutes later he changed his story.

That being said - it did NOT stop the A for very long (a few weeks). This is not a magical cure - I too knew/know the OBS and after a year of knowing I told him on D-day2. It changed nothing EXCEPT that I no longer was complicit in their lies. I was not helping them keep something that I myself wanted to know about. Help the OBS and do it.

Sadandsohurt, Beilve me, I was in your shoes almost three years ago. They worked together, no matter what they say, the affair still continued. The toll it took on me was alot, I still suffer at times from it. However I hit my breaking point and finally put my bitch boots on and I plastered it all over Facebook what an ass and bitch she was. He said he would not forgive me. A week later, I told him its over and to leave now.

The saying goes you need to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. You are the prize, not him. If the OBS had not told me, things would have gone on longer and my marriage would not have survived. It's time to blow up their world, its all their doing,not yours. The OBS has a right to know.

We are still together and still work at things. Life is getting better.

I'm so messed up..my head is spinning I can't sleep or eat. I'm in antidepressants it's just taking such a toll on me now.

We had another massive fight as I said when you leave your job on the 16th I need you go remove her off all your social media. He just doesnt get it..hes like why is it such a bug deal?! I'm like hell yes it is and you need to respect my wishes. He said your demands are crazy.. social media is nothing. I explained but it's just more platforms to contact each other..he said again I'm controlling and dictating to him.

Yes I am..he said this is exactly the problem in our marraige I'm so controlling and always telling him what to do. Well now I have every right. He thinks I'm being crazy.. keeps saying I'm leaving my job where she works and you're still going on about it. I said but how csn we ever move forward without NC. then he said I cant take this..I'm leaving we're done! Usual line...

So he has the affair continues fo work with her gives me no proof it's over. And its NY fault..he even pushed me out of the way hard.

I was so upset.

I hate that I am so weak. My kids begged me to stop why do I keep going at dad just drop this mum you are killing all of us.

I feel bad as he has lost his Mum now tomorrow he returns to work and will see her. I accused him that he is not respecting his late Mother if he goes back with her at lunch time where is the respect?!

I feel there is no remorse no support but yet I'm weak and holding on to this for what?? Cos I'm bloody weak and my kids are begging me to stop..

I swear today I was so close to sending her a threatening email if she doesn't back off i will tell her husband and I will. that I will give her 1 chance only and if she tells my hisband I contacted her that's it!!

I had to call my friend to help my compulsion. She kept saying stop..you will lose him and the family if you do..but I feel I need to do something.

I know if I tell her husband I'm totally screwed..everyone here says stand up don't be weak show him. I feel so over a barrell and lost. We are so far away from reconciliation.. he hates me..he hates my constant arguments he hates my crying he hates my threats.. we haven't been intimate in months..we just fight all day every day.im drained and can't see a way out..I'm crying writing this.. the pain is so raw..its like its all my fault and he keeps saying well you're the one who wants this marraige I wanted out last year and 6 mths ago even before the affair. He said what is there to hold on only my constant arguing with him..

I'm so broken..it hurts..it really does

You are not controlling,he is the one controlling the situation. It's time to take your power back and get out of infidelity.

First tell your children that their father brought another person into the marriage and until he removes the other person he brought in, you can be together. Tell them that you both love them.

Call the OBS and inform him. It may help end the affair it may not but at least he will have been informed. Look at it if you didn't know and he did. Wouldn't you like too be told?

Your WH is someone who you no longer know, he doesn't even know himself anymore.

If you want this craziness to stop, take control and stop it. Do not allow your WH to come back in the house until he does xyz that you need to feel safe and loved.

We have all been there, your marriage may survive, it may not but either way the abuse he is putting you and your family through needs to stop.

SadandSoHurt

You are playing the pick-me dance. I’m sorry for the pain this is causing you.

Your kids and friends have not been thru the pain of infidelity and continued contact. They don’t understand how awful it is to live with it.

So to be honest with you, you need to slow down. Stop begging him to do anything. You have laid down your boundaries. He know them. You can stop reinforcing them to him every day. It’ll drive you crazy.

Instead, try to start looking at this in a different way. Start realizing that you can be ok without this man draining your happiness all the time. He doesn’t make you .... you. He doesn’t give you your strength and ability. And you can only control what you do, not what he does.

So since the approach you are taking is not working, I’d recommend a different approach. Show him that you are DONE. You are just done.

I would do this by telling him something like the following. Write it to him in a letter if that’s easier.

You can do what you want. I no longer care. You’ve broken my heart and made it painfully clear to me that you are not interested in what it will take to repair it. If I have to drag you thru repairing what you have destroyed, with you kicking and screaming, it’s not meaningful to me anyway. So just forget it. Do what you want.

Then, my friend, leave it at that. You don’t have to file for D right away. You don’t have to at all if you don’t feel like it.

But stop doing anything for the man. Stop doing his laundry. And stop cooking for him. He’s made his choice.

I don’t know how old your kids are, but you can tell them you won’t argue with their dad anymore. Just take care of them. Make them dinner. Do their laundry. Just leave your WH out of what you do.

You are modeling for them to stand up for yourself in a way that shows self respect. It’s a lesson that will hit home when they get older.

SadandSoHurt, nothing will change if you continue down the path you are on. If he’s going to resent you for the ramifications of his own awful choices, then that is not rebuilding the relationship.

Stop arguing about it and just be done with him and find your own path to happiness. If he chooses to come with you on that journey, then you will know it when you see it and feel it.

In the meantime, stop worrying about him so much. Right now he’s not worth the braincells you are burning on him and his awful attitude.

Detach and move away. You will feel better about yourself for it.

Please read what I wrote here a few times and let it sink in. I really think you can get yourself to a better place if you do.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:35 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Social media means nothing, yet he is ready to divorce if he has to block her.

She is nothing to him, yet he is willing to divorce, see his children a lot less, and pay child support rather than go NC.

He is having a temper tantrum like a small child, who wants more cake.

If telling her husband the truth means divorce, then you have no marriage any way. He is continuing to protect her. He is fine with your pain, but God forbid his whore feel an ounce of pain.

Tell her husband. Threatening her will get you nowhere. Tell her husband. Exposing the affair to her husband is the only power you have to save your marriage.

Reread the 180.

1. No begging or pleading. Ignore him. Smile mysteriously, hum a song. Clean the house. Take the kids to a park. Don’t ask him to go and don’t tell him your are going.

2. Move on, get busy, smile at your children and let them know you are strong. You will feel the opposite but believe me, fake it till it becomes your real feelings.

3. Call her BS. Now. And NEVER tell anyone you are doing it.

4. Consult an attorney. Keep posting.

I tell you this from my own experience. My situation was similar and when I did start the 180 and called her BS, all hell broke loose and yet, I was fine. Not my circus, not my monkey.

That’s when my husband finally began to get it.

You CAN do this. Call the BS and reread the 180 ASAP.

Good luck.

You will feel the opposite but believe me, fake it till it becomes your real feelings.

This is true - and your kids, are well, kids. They do not know how this feels (just like anyone who has been in this situation doesn't). You need to tell them to stop and you need to tell him this:

Yes, I am trying to control something - what is and is not okay in MY life. It is NOT okay for you to have any contact with the AP - at all - for me. Period. I am sorry that you cannot grasp that is what I need if we are going to try to move forward together. If that is what you WANT and I am not a priority to you, then I will have to leave. I cannot control your actions or your behavior - only you can. I am asking you to choose what I need because you want to stay with me. Your behavior indicates that staying in contact with her is more important to you than making me feel better, and I don't want to stay with you if helping me heal from your affair is not a priority - a top priority.

Then, let the chips fall as they may. You need to start caring for yourself - making your own plans for you. Take control of your life. And yes, I KNOW it's easier said than done.