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Hi Sadandsohurt,

I know that some of the advice here is not easy to hear.

When I first came to SI, I thought that my situation was different---that my WH was different and wasn't really like these other WSs.

8 years out I see now that I was wrong.

The idea of breaking up my kids' family tore my heart out.

I know you want to save your marriage----but the only way to save it is to take your power back.

Sending you strength and (((hugs.)))

So he says he has resigned (dont know whether to believe that either) hes trying to guilt me into staying. Hes saying they don't want me to go have offered me a promotion. Then when he sees thats not working he says ok I'll resign (16th Aug) but then I'm not working and you can pay all the mortgage and bills. he is hoping I'll succumb and say no ok stay we cant do that.. but my friends are saying stand your ground.. he needs to leave end of!! He said he will forever resent me for having to leave...I said well you did this now you need to own it..but then I have crazy thoughts where I think even if he resigns will he still find a way to see her..he says my crazy mind that doesnt believe him is going to ruin this family financially. So do I just hang on in till the 16th (6 wekks) feels like an eternity and hang on to see what actually happens.. hoping he will get away from her and then it will fizzle?? Thoughts please guys?

For what reason does he have to wait til Aug 16?

Tell him he needs to be applying for new jobs and you need to see the applications submitted.

If he wants to truly work on rebuilding his marriage and helping you heal these are the steps he needs to take to do that.

He also should be in therapy with a counselor that specializes in Infidelity.

Your best bet is to let him know you are moving on without him and if he wants to come along he needs to put together a real plan to recover what he has destroyed.

This week go see an attorney to know your rights and the process to D. Knowledge is power.

Find a good counselor for yourself to help work they the pain.

And visit a bank to put half your joint money in an account under your name only.

Show him the ramifications of what he has done. Truth is he can’t just say “sorry” and expect everything to be the same again. He needs to take steps, real steps, to prove he wants you and only you, for the rest of your lives.

Tell him your not interested in even discussing the possibility of reconciliation until he’s fully in a new job at a new company, away from her.

It’s really the best way to take control and get your life back on a solid path toward happiness, with or without him.

I’m sorry you have to be dealing with this.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:39 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

He’s an ass. Sorry honey. He says he’ll resent YOU if you make him quit? You get to pay all the bills? What exactly do you see in him again?

The 16th was 6 weeks notice..he doesn't have to provide that but its end of Fin Year and they are super busy he says plus it gives him more time to look for something...

He is the one not wanting to save fhfhe marriage thats why I believe it's still going on. Hr says I keep fixating on the affair which he pleads is over (no proof to support this) so it's been me hanging in waiting in hope things wiwilwiwill change. Then after 5 months of hell and me saying you need to resign he has. Well so we are led to believe but it has all the guilt trip on me..the thing is even him leaving the job of he's unemployed he can still just go drive to meet her at lunch time. He said I can put a tracker on his car..but all of this obsessing behavior I am doing (deservedly so) is just fuelling his accusations of my controlling nature which yes admittedly o have been over rhrhe years. He refuses to go to marraige counselling we went to 2 sessions then he gave up. He needs his own therapy whichxh he refuses. I am going weekly to my therapist. Yes it's all about me taking control but this is feeding him ammunation against me. He makes me feel crazy and obsessive which I have become..but so hard when they woworwowork together and no proof..

This ow is not the problem. The problem is that he feels entitled to cheat.

Unless he changes from cheater to good partner, he probably will resent you forever for making him leave his job. Why stay M to a guy who will resent you? And if you can pay the bills while he's unemployed, what do you need him for?

You're the prize. He isn't.

Do you have requirements for R? If not, I suggest developing them. Standard reqs include:

1) NC with the ap.

2) Honesty - no more lies, answers questions with full truth

3) Transparency - keeps you informed of his location, activities, and companios at virtually all times;

4) IC, with a goal of changing from betrayer to good partner;

5) MC when one or both of you want it;

6) IC for you;

7...) your unique reqs (for example, my W had to arrange weekly dates).

Your H may want to negotiate the unique reqs, but if he doesn't willingly sign on to the top 5, he is less than an ideal candidate for R.

If he doesn't sign on willingly to NC, honesty, and transparency, he's not a candidate for R at all, IMO.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:10 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Honestly SadAndSo

I’d make it simple for him.

Tell him you’re not interested in the marriage until he’s made you feel safe and desired.

Tell he he has to win your heart again. That he knows all the steps it takes to get there.

If i were you I’d tell him that I’m going to start the process to end the marriage that he has destroyed. If, while that is happening, he does things to win you back, to make you feel like the only one for you, to make you feel safe that there is no one else, and that the OW will never be seen or heard from ever again by either of you, then you will slow down the separation and divorce and try to work on rebuilding something g on mutual respect, love and adoration.

But right now there is nothing to build on. So let him know that you are seeking a life with someone who is a true partner and lover. If that’s him, tell him he knows how to show it. If it’s not, then you are on a path to find the person who will be that for you.

He needs to drive this recovery. Pining away for another woman doesn’t do that. Blaming you for the loss of his job when he is the one that causes that, doesnt do that. Quoting IC doesn’t do that.

Does he want to be a good man and husband or not? That is the only question he has to answer and then his actions need to back it up.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:30 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Sadandsohurt,

Please read Stevesn's post over again and again---it is spot on.

If your WH is not willing to do that, then you don't want him-----because it will be a life of torture.

Things are dragging on the miserable way they are because you are allowing it.

Your WH is happy to continue to sit on the fence, where he has you at home and a Slut on the side----this is called cake-eating.

How much longer are you willing to live like this?

He is treating you with extreme disrespect.

You are the only one who knows when you have had enough of being treated like this.

When I was where you are now, I was sick to my stomach all the time.

I finally had to tell my WH that I was not willing to continue in a relationship where there were 3 people, and I started divorce proceedings.

Sometimes this shocks the WH into seeing what they are about to lose.

I know that you are afraid that he will walk away,

but if he does, then you don't want him----you deserve so much more. You deserve to be cherished.

One other thing.

Go read the Wayward Side Forum here on this site. See the words that truly Remorseful WS’s say when they are trying to rebuild. If he was truly empathetic and Remorseful then instead of what he is saying to you about needing to get past this he instead would say something like this instead:

I know I have shaken your trust to the core. I cannot change what I have done but I can show you going forward now what is truly in my heart.

That’s what you should be hearing from him. Are you? Until you do, tell him you can tell he’s not ALL IN on repairing the M and until you hear the right things from him your gonna work on healing yourself without him and moving on.

You want to cut and paste what I wrote and print it on a separate page and hand it to him as an example of what a truly Remorseful WS sounds like? Go ahead. I think that’s a fine idea.

His arguing and gaslighting and blaming you aren’t gonna get the work done. You might as well as file for D now with the attitude you he is giving you.

Get strong, demand what you need, then move on until you see him actually behaving and doing the work he needs to do.

Good luck.

If your WH is not willing to do that, then you don't want him-----because it will be a life of torture.

My WH wasn't willing to do much and it was a life of torture...until it wasn't, because I simply don't care much anymore. What he does or doesn't do simply cannot hurt me like it used to. He's just kicked the crap out of my love - everyday it slides more towards indifference.

So he definitely confirmed resignation Aug 16th...seems like an eternity.

Then yesterday his mum became very unwell she has an incurable illness she was taken to hospital. It is very touch and go..

So he was working from home this morning before we went back to the hospital.. I see his Skype illuminate and I'm like who's that? He lies and says oh someone and I said I can see you're lying..this is exactly why I'm so insecure cos you keep lying..so he admits ok it's her but I knew you'd freak out..so he shows me and it was totally work related but she did ask hows your Mum the replied to the work query and said his mum was very unwell. I said you told me you guys hardly talk and now shes messaging you to see how your sick mum is??!! I said you said that you guys hardly talk anymore and its over so why is he so concerned? He said you are freaking over nothing I showed you all the messages she was being professional and just showing concern. Then when we were at the hospital she messages again by text saying hows your mum he showed me. I lost it walked out of the room and he followed saying calm down my other colleagues messaged me also. My Mum is terminally ill and they are concerned. she is just doing the same thing! He said I wawas totally overreacting.. I said maybe but st s crisis like this and she's still sniffing around..

He said you have this so wrong..she just showed concern as my Mum is so ill and I'veshown you. I've resigned. He made me feel terrible he said how selfish I was at a time like this and I'm going crazy. I did feel bad as his Mum is so ill and again we are fighting over this!

I told him tonight..I fear that he will leave and she will continue to make contact..he said I doubt it ex work colleagues don't stay in touch much..you need to stop you are being so insensitive at such a sad time..

I do feel bad but there is no place for her here right now..maybe she was just being concerned like the others and I need to calm down?

He did show me the other messages from the other colleagues and said see it's the same professional concern..

I don't know..he says he still hasn't told her he has resigned..that it was only official yesterday and unless the manager has told the team..I don't know what to believe anymore .

I told him I'm still scared that you will leave and she'll continue to contact you and there should be no contact cos he doesn't have the balls just to tell her..

My friends say back off it's not the time you need to support him through this tough time..let it go..what do you guys think?

He says he's at breaking point its over I'm resigning what more can I do??!

What do you guys think I should do?

SadandSoHurt

How are you doing. Has anything changed for you?

Let us know what you need help with.

Hi thanks so much Steve..

No things are such a mess..my mother in law passed away and it was so sad..the kids are a mess as they spent so much time with her..

The week of her dying was awful and she was messaging him as we were by the bedside.. he showed me and they were short and nothing in them just hope you're ok hows your Mum etc.. but still I lost it..he said I'm over reacting its only concern and his other colleagues were messaging..yes but he just didn't get it. I said I'm trying to focus on supporting each other and then I have to deal with this. He said I was being so unsympathetic and disrespectful having arguments at the hospital.

Then when she passed he sent flowers to our house from her and 2 colleagues.. again I lost it..he said it was just flowers of condolences. yes but it hurts me..he said it was nothing..again it comes down to if he had just told her I knew then she wouldn't probably be acting like this!! So he send them all the same message thanking them and saying they're great friend. Again I lose it..she's a great friend!! How insensitive. He said again I'm crazy (yes) that it was a message to all 3. I said yep but you could have sent her a separate one..he said and if they compared..he was so upset with me and said how can I act like this at this awful time.

He said I've lost my mom and you want trouble. Of course I don't but how can this not hurt she is messaging you and then flowers.. then I said I can't deal if she comes to the funeral no way..so because he couldn't be honest with her he told his boss and team that he wanted a private funeral so none of them came.

Then the funeral day she messages again.. I'm like seriously.. he says again I've showed you stop controlling everything..it was just short but seriously.. ok yes others had messaged but it hurts...he just doesn't get it. I'm dealing with so much and the passing and he says I'm being so unsympathetic and selfish at this time when he can't deal with it. Then I hate myself for how I'm acting.

Then we have another argument as he had his phone open and one tab was open and it was her message the dialogue.i said how is that open when her last message was from days ago..he denied and said I don't know. I said well there must have been something and you have deleted it as it's the 7th message down on your message list so how would it be open? It's not like it was the most recent message. I said you must have opened it for a reason. He swore even on his mom he said out recovery on my phone I have no idea..it was so strange and so coincidental how that one of all was open. He started to cry saying I can't take this my mom is dead and you keep at me..I felt awful..I did..he said I can't take it anymore..

Then today I said ok you're leaving on the 16th can you please remove her from your social media he said why I never delete people and I said yes but this is different. I need you to do this...to help us heal. He said again i was controlling and if he did that the others have him on there she would know. So I said what do you care??! You say its over and you dont care for her? But no he said I'm dictating to him controlling him and these are all the problems before the affsir..

I said if you still have her on there you will continue to see her anand her life..its not closure for us. He said it is over.. stop this..my mum is dead and again you're going at me.

My friends are saying to back off be patient till he leaves and let him grieve now. Its so hard..I'm dreading him going back in to work now thinking he will go to her for empathy which he said he won't etc..

I have a message drafted that I want to send her to say that she needs to know I know and to leave him alone now to be with his family at this awful time. I say in it if you chose to tell him I've contacted you that's your choice but you will push him over cos so much more trouble and I will tell your husband immediately. I say I will give you my word if you do right now back off leave him alone..do not tell him I contacted you I will not tell your husband and I will.

She would be very cruel to tell him now and she would be playing with fire as I will tell him. My friends are saying leave it it could backfire on you and you will then be the one to push him over and shoot yourself in the foot. Hang in for a month and see what happens.

I just don't know what to believe anymore if I was still happening would he really leave maybe yes to get me off his back but it would he hard to see her and she is with her family all weekend and him with us.

I feel awful that I am not supporting him the right way but so hard when she is still 'around'he says shes not I'm making her..

The thing is it's not even about the affair anymore it's the lack of empathy reassurance and support from him.

He did wrong and expects me to suffer internally not being anything up.

Do you think I should message i so want to..so she knows..and will be scared. If she really cares about him I doubt she'd tell him at a time like this plus would she risk her hisband knowing I doubt it. He would kill her..

I don't know what to do..

I wish I could suck it all in and be the best wife for him right now.but so much damage anand pain is here..so raw..

Thanks for listing to my very kong message!

Do not lower yourself by making a deal with OW. It makes you look weak.

She probably knows you know anyway.

She is not the problem. The problem is your completely unremorseful, and selfish husband. He doesnt care that you are hurting. He is eating cake. There should be absolutely no contact with her at all. Not in a group message, not asking about his mother, nothing. NOTHING.

It is not controlling to expect him to delete her and block her. It is the most basic thing a WS should do if they want reconciliation.

You need to stop this bullshit. He us abusing you and at this point you are a volunteer.

Blow this shit up. Tell his girlfriend's husband. Call him and tell him all that you know. Offer a copy of any evidence you have. This affair is NOT over. The PA MIGHT be over, but the EA is strong as ever. And he is flaunting it in your face,and blaming you for being mad about it.

Stop allowing him to wipe his feet on you. Stand up for yourself.

If you dont want to fight for yourself, then look at it as fighting for your marriage. Exposure is the best way to end this affair.

Stand up.

Yes hellfire I know..but I know that if I do that especially now with his mother just dying it would be horrendous for all of us.

We are going through so much right now.

I think I need to tell him but first I want to give her the chance.

Why do you think he's leaving his job - a cover? But how will they have opportunites? Wont that die out or it could make it stronger?

Me showing her I know is weak in one way bit strong to show her i know and what I'm capable of doing if she messes anymore..

Why should she get away with thinking she has walked free..she needs to know and feel what it's like to feel threatened and unsafe..

I know it's a form of revenge but I wantto take her down off her throne and know she is uneasy and scared for her husband and family

You cant make him....you cant..

you cant make him feel remorse...you cant make him get it...you cant make him quit his job...you cant make him stop the A....you cant make him not have feelings for AP...

What do you want? what do you need? you need to enforce these things....

yes he could leave you...yes he could continue the A...yes he could have feelings for AP...Yes he punishes you financially...He will do these things if he chooses to...nothing you did, or do causes these things...

stand by your life...stand by your needs...stand by your children....he is not trying..he is punishing, controlling and unfeeling...he wont be budged..

This was similar to my situation...Wh never stopped feeling for AP...the never quit his job...The A continued....the punishment increased...he resented me that he was being monitored...it grew, continued and became horrific...

we D'd…. I wish I had been stronger...from Day 1... I was trying so hard to reach him, the man I married...He was long gone...he found new fun..Nobody or nothing would stop it.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:50 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

The AP is not your problem so contacting her is not the solution. The problem is your abusive, gaslighting, cake eating husband. Stand up to HIM, not to the AP.

Yes Cancuncrushed..you are so right and I have been trying to make him see for months now much he's hurt me and the family to me told over how much I've hurt him. Yes I am relentless yes I am constantly at him which is wrong cos I push him so bad but its cos I dont have clarity or the truth i feel. He swears on his dead mother he never physically touched her..but wrote i can't wait to come back to your lips? He says oh I liked them..its insane how csn you swear on your dead mother in heaven its beyond me??

Do you think I should send her the message?

You need to inform her husband. You will be stuck in infidelity until you stop it. You are allowing him continue to the affair. All contact with the AP must stop, having the OBS informed is a good way for it to stop.

Yes Adaira he is totally the problem.. but at this time his mother only dying last week.. how can I. That's why I want to go to her..to shake her up.. make her feel some stress, worry and fear.. as I have for 6 months now..6 months I have protected her..now she needs to know..I'm not scared of her, I'm not scared to tell her hisband if she pushes me..

He knows that no one will ever accept her or her family. My kids dont like her..so it would never work..he definitely has resigned.. that I believe he will do...well he better..that was a deal breaker..