SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If she moves out, hire a PI to monitor her behavior and to gather evidence of the going affair.

Information that will help you to decide to R or D. And information to counter her lies about how she used her time living alone.

Now that everyone knows, it will be up to you WW to earn back the trust of your kids and you.

Staying in the condo will either give her the freedom to explore other relationships or realize the YOU and the FAMILY are the prize not the attention of other men.

If she comes home then all except your 19yo may try to go back to normal.

Having your kids be aware and caring enough to noodle out the affair, while tough for the kids a huge blessing to you and their relationship.

I contacted her friend today to get together with her and her husband to discuss this situation.

I was going to tell her what this OM is doing (making passes at married women) and that they should beware and I was also going to tell them to not invite us to anything if he was there.

So I facebook message my WW friend and asked if they were around and if I could come over, I had something very important to discuss.

She said they were at a beach 30 mins away, I said I could meet them there (because it was important).

She says "It's actually a bad time, beach, boat," blah blah blah. She asks if we're all ok and I said the kids are fine and then she works out that there is a situation with me and my WW.

I said "Fine, could I have your husbands number". She says "He doesn't want to get involved". I said I didn't want advice I wanted to discuss something important. She then gives me his number and I say "No, you made yourself clear". She said a whole bunch of crap about how worried she is.

I said "Forget it".

So there you have it, I tried but obviously they are not the friends I thought they were. However I do think there is enough information out there to start the process of finding out (and she is the type to dig). Maybe wishful thinking, maybe not.

She asks if we're all ok and I said the kids are fine and then she works out that there is a situation with me and my WW.

I said "Fine, could I have your husbands number". She says "He doesn't want to get involved". 

Honestly, that response makes me think they already know (or at least very strongly suspect) and they're worried you're going to start asking them if your wife is having an affair and they don't want to be the ones to tell you.

Edited to add: I would follow up with messaging her back and saying:

Sorry for my response earlier, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place, and this felt like the type of information to share in person and not on facebook, although I realize now that while you're at the beach isn't the best time for a conversation like this. I just wanted to warn you about OM. He has no problem with pursuing/making passes at married women, so you and your husband should be aware and on guard.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 1:41 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Kids are smarter and more tuned in than we give them credit for. Sounds like yours will be very good support for you.

Times like this you do find out a lot about who your friends really are. Perhaps they knew. Perhaps they enabled.

What is your WW doing today? How did she react to your daughters.

If she asks to come back tell her you don’t think that’s a good idea until she has started with her psychiatrist. When is her first appointment.

It will take a real change in her to become Remorseful and want to rebuild and help you heal. Go read the Wayward Side Forum to see what that looks like.

She can’t just say “sorry” and try to return to being a loving spouse. There are 30 different things that could go into a reconciliation plan. She hasn’t even done the first one, assure NC with the POSOM.

If she comes back ask her to research and document a plan to repair the destruction of your marriage and present it to you before you let her back in the door again.

At this point, consider her gone and start working with a lawyer to have her served. Best to be prepared so when you get to that point the lawyer can execute the serving process right away.

If she wakes up to what she has done you can keep the papers from being delivered.

I feel for you and your girls. You all deserved better. She’s truly losing all she should hold precious. I’d bet $100 she wasn’t the first married woman he has tried this with.

You’re wife will eventually see him for what he really is. But I’m afraid by then you and your girls will have moved on from ever wanting her back.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:11 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

What is the purpose of the separation? I can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on your goal.

She says "It's actually a bad time, beach, boat," blah blah blah. She asks if we're all ok and I said the kids are fine and then she works out that there is a situation with me and my WW.

I said "Fine, could I have your husbands number". She says "He doesn't want to get involved".

To be fair, it is a holiday (if you are in the USA) and getting them involved would put a damper on their family fun.

Chances are your WW has talked to your friend and the friend talked to her husband and they are staying away as many friends of both spouses would.

If you need to ask for her husband's number tells me you are not all that close with him. Got any closer friends? I don;t know if I'd go blaming the OM for being the neighborhood lothario when your WW was a willing participant.

Try to set up a time to meet with them over the next couple days. For all you know your WW has already has them on her side...

TIM

I know I might be coming over as harsh but I tend to be a rather direct sort of guy. Try to envision me as a personal trainer trying to get you to do a few more push-ups despite you thinking it can’t be done…

One of the reasons we recommend exposure is to remove the romance and the drama from the affair. Frankly TIM – right now you are feeding the drama…

As has been pointed out your friends are at the beach. This is not a medical emergency. I guess they wanted time alone and I don’t think they are avoiding you or your situation. I think they simply wanted their own family time. Nothing more and nothing less. So… skip the drama and the angst-deductions.

Go back to my long-winded post with the speech to give your wife (Wife. I love you and would really want to save our marriage. However,…). That – or something to that context – is all you have to tell her. After that she can move to her own condo or go to OM or… focus on the marriage. What is clear is that once you have given the speech you have given your manifesto: Whatever she does YOU are getting out of infidelity.

If she accepts your requirements, then fine. If not… well… make a sandwich or watch a rerun of Friends. It’s not really relevant. You have stated your case and you are staying your path. It might not be what you want, but it beats the other option. The option where you share your wife.

Don’t be dramatic about it. It’s no alas my love rode away on a unicorn stuff. It’s more well… you have decided to commit to your infidelity and I don’t share my wife. Oh well… won’t force you to be here.

Look at it this way. It’s a bit like having a day at the beach planned out only to wake up to heavy rain. I guess you could don your speedo’s and pack your cooled and pretend the beach in a downpour is a blast. But I guess you would rather just have a cozy day in. Same with your marriage – you aren’t getting what you want but it beats wet sand and cold flesh.

How are things progressing? How did the move out go? How is your WW coping with all this? ((((:))))

How's it going thisIstMe?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. No one has moved out yet. My WW had a psych evaluation which turned into an ER psych evaluation and has spent the past 3 days in the mental health unit at our local hospital. They were afraid she was going to hurt herself and is also at the start of potential Anorexia (she had it when she was 16). Our therapist also thinks she got Bipolar II and is in a hypomanic state. So lately that is what I have been focused on.

I posted a question on here under a different topic about my wife's mental health.

So overall it's been just crazy madness. I'm a hot mess most of the time.

We have a rental home that I was planning on selling (we already have an offer) but I think I may pull out of that deal. I think I need to get away and just gain some self respect back. I don't know, everything is messed up.

I feel for you my friend. You impressed as a person who knew their self worth, and whether this was a deal breaker for you.

I hope you are able to come to terms with your new reality, what ever you decide, and eventually find more happiness.

Whatever you decide, 'Do it well'. Learn, and move on.

If it is too much to bear. Give it a decent burial, and move on decisively, and quickly.

If you want to attempt to reconcile. Do that effectively. Ensure that there is nothing left unturned, that no short cuts are taken. Accountability for her, and how to resolve. And you both need to be at the table.

TIM

There is nothing logical or sane about anyone’s decision to cheat.

Please note how I insistently call it a decision. At some point the WS makes the conscious decision to cheat.

OK – there are no doubt some mental diseases or limitations that might make a person incapable of logical and sensible decision-taking but based on what you share there isn’t really any indication your wife was suffering from any such mental disease at the time of the affair.

Logical and sane people can make wrong decisions. Happens all the time.

I even think that sane, logical and generally moral people can make wrong moral decisions. Decisions like the one to cheat. I think that when these people realize what they have done… well… THAT can trigger all sorts of mental issues like depression and anxiety, and that in turn can cause issues like hypomania.

Your WW mental health issues are a real thing. Irrespective of your decision to reconcile or divorce it’s MY view (and it’s ONLY my view based on what I would (hopefully) do) then your role as a husband and her role as your children’s mother places moral requirements on you to ensure her best chance of regaining health. But that role does NOT mean she remain your wife or that you ignore the affair.

I have been branded as being pro-reconciliation because I think marriages can survive ANYTHING other than lies and ongoing lies. I also think that if a marriage has generally been good for some time and there is considerable time invested in it then it’s generally worth considering reconciliation. I personally don’t think your wife’s actions dictate you have to divorce. But those are only MY thoughts. It’s your call.

However – I KNOW that if you do decide to reconcile she needs to deal with her decision to have an affair. And it has to be 100% pure acceptance of her blame of her decision.

It can’t be “yes, it’s my fault BUT… I was bi-polar, I was depressed, I was manic…”. It has to be total acceptance of blame irrespective of cause.

I want to make a couple of suggestions:

YOU get some IC. This is a real kick in the balls and you need help dealing with it.

Start looking around for a MC that specializes in infidelity.

Finally: Take your time. No rush here as long as you don’t get too comfortable dog-paddling in the cesspool. If you have an offer on the rental then take it. If you reconcile the money will come in handy, if you divorce it will be valued into cash anyways.