SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if this is the right place to post this. I found out 3 weeks ago (June 9th) and it has been pure hell! I just can't believe I've been living through this.

Thanks to everyone who posted a reply to my other post but I need to ask a different question.

The 'other man' lives in the same community as I do and I would like to keep the A private (at this stage). Our kids hang out and contact is unavoidable.

How am I supposed to treat this 'other man' ?

Full disclosure: I have already had two interactions with him (one on D-Day and another last Friday night) and am trying to convince myself that I have done the right thing.

I know alot of you will take issue that I am keeping the A private but I really think it is the right thing to do presently.

Is the OM married? Does his spouse know?

Other than that I'm not sure what you are asking. What are you trying to do? Remember, he is not your problem, your wife is.

He is not married.

I'm asking if I should have been super aggressive or tried to maintain the peace ?

If you keep it private and you insist contact is unavoidable then realistically what else can you do?

What is the end game? Unavoidable contact forever?

This guy around your wife or as you put it "unable to avoid"? Because sooner or later you'll have to let her off the leash.

Honestly, I would advise exposing and going no contact for a few reasons:

If your kids hang out and contact in unavoidable, how can you be sure the affair is over and not just on hold and taken deeper underground?

How can you (or your WW --wayward wife) be sure that he isn't having affairs with other women/moms in your community, or that he will go on to persue/prey on other women/moms if your WW is no longer available?

And most importantly, every contact you have with him will be like rubbing salt in an open wound. It doesn't bode well for you, or for your marriage.

But if you're insisting on keeping the status quo, then ignore him and do everything you possibly can to limit/minimize contact. Like if he's a coach, then you ask to have your kid switched to another team.

I think he will be moving within a few months. Up until then I will try and avoid contact. It was a mistake to 'try and be normal' with all our friends last Friday night.

You are right, what choice did I really have... but it is F***ing eating me up inside!!

What is your goal?

ETA: Just saw your post. If you think he is going to move soon, my advice would be to just ignore him.

[This message edited by Gettingoveritall at 1:16 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

I am a bit confused. Has there been any no contact statement made to him from your wife? I took a quick peek at your other thread and it seems like your wife continued to text this guy. Does he know that you know what was going on?

I can see you just trying to avoid contact but if it was me I would make sure he knows you know what happened. Whether that is your wife telling him in a no-contact statement or you telling him and advising him just stay away from your wife and family.

You have to be careful about being too aggressive because things can potentially get heated depending on your personality. Many of us men have visions of Revenge which may include physical violence and that really isn't something you want to tempt yourself with. We'd all love to do it but the legal trouble is rarely going to be worth it.

But if he doesn't know you are aware then I think the possibility of additional contact between him and your wife gets escalated. It really depends on what the status is right now with your wife and the action she has taken since you found out.

I think the problem that I have is that the conversation went something like this.

Me : We need to talk.

Him: I just want you to know that I haven't made contact.

Me : Yes, I understand and I believe that's true.

Him: Whatever you heard about my involvement it is embellished.

Me : No, I don't think that's true at all, your involvement is clear.

Him: *Muttered something* (he does that)

Then we were interrupted ...

Me : Listen, we live in the same community and it would probably be best if we don't have a big scene and act normal.

*Or something like that, it was all mad and my emotions were just crazy.

It's just eating me inside because I wanted to do so many other things... so many other things.

I give you credit - that must not be easy.

thisIstMe, are you spending this much mental energy focusing on the other man because it is easier than dealing with your wife? Just remember that she is the one that cheated on you. She is the real problem right now, not this guy.

How are things with her?

You don't.

If your children play together - interact with their mother and make sure she knows why. Or curb contact all together.

You nor your WS have anything to do with him. Ever. The sooner he moves, the better, but until then NC is NC for all involved.

thisIstMe, are you spending this much mental energy focusing on the other man because it is easier than dealing with your wife? Just remember that she is the one that cheated on you. She is the real problem right now, not this guy.

How are things with her?

Replying to Gettingoveritall

You're right, it is her... not him.

It has been a rollercoaster. Really hard and difficult.

Last week Tuesday (after therapy) I said it would be best if she moved out and sorted herself out. She said she would and spent the afternoon looking for a place. She came back much later in the day a completely different person. She apologized profusely and seemed genuinely remorseful and that she didn't want to leave and would do everything she can to stay. I think this was the first time she came into contact with the repercussions for her actions. At first I was unsympathetic and said she needed to go and find out 'once and for all' what she wanted to do. After a lot of back and forth I said she could stay.

It really got much better from that day (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... into Friday... were all heading in the right direction. We spoke a lot about everything... we shared a lot... it was really good. Still painful but it felt like it was moving in the right direction). Then Friday afternoon rolled around and we were planning on going out that night to celebrate her new job (and also avoid spending the night with our 'friends' because he would be there).

My WW said "Let's go, we'll claim friday night for ourselves"... I reluctantly agreed. Big mistake, just raw raw raw emotions. Way too soon.

Ok, so overall it's been getting better. But I really hate her for doing what she did to our beautiful marriage.

TBH, reading through the 180 and implementing those things have made me feel much better than anything else.

Yes, the emotional rollercoaster is very real. I'm sorry you are dealing with it. We all know exactly what it is like.

It sounds like she had an epiphany. I hope she did, and I hope it lasts. What has she told you about why she cheated? It's important that she get to the bottom of that so she can be a safe spouse for you from here on.

I'm glad you have had a few good days. It has only been three weeks though, and there will be both good and bad days.

Do you know the extent of her affair? Is she being completely transparent and proactive about helping you deal with triggers? Do you feel like she has been completely honest with you about everything? Do you feel like you have to avoid asking certain questions or discussing anything related to her affair?

I ask these things because the urge to rugsweep and "get back to normal" can be overpowering in the immediate aftermath of discovering you have been betrayed. You need to take some time to really figure out what it is that you want here. Just know that you will probably go back and forth many times over the next year or more as you go through the stages of dealing with this.

Stay strong, and make sure you are taking the steps to heal yourself.

How dare this OM shows up and stays at a party where you or your wife was present! He should have quietly left. And your kids being play mates? I would say let your wife handle that issue by keeping your kids busy until the OM moves away. The OM should be doing the same. She is asking too much of you too soon.

She is asking too much of you too soon.

I think so too.

Do you know the extent of her affair?

I really think I do, we've spent almost every night over the past week talking until past 2am. We have really talked and talked and talked. I've heard things I never wanted to hear. She has been honest and truthful, I really believe that. *I know some of you still think I am a fool, but as of right now things are as they are.

When I say "a few good days" it wasn't the whole day... it was a few good hours in a terrible day overall. It feels like we're heading in the right direction.

I'm not sweeping anything under the rug and I'm not expecting anything to be solved today. What I can say is that I am a different person than I was 3 weeks ago and I feel things for my wife that I never thought I would feel eg. coldness and sadness and betrayal (but the coldness is the most surprising).

How dare this OM shows up and stays at a party where you or your wife was present!

I was the fool that said....

Me : Listen, we live in the same community and it would probably be best if we don't have a big scene and act normal.

And it is eating me up inside!

Avoid all contact, it will just cause you more unnecessary pain. You don’t need more pain.

It sounds like you are considering R. What conditions have you laid out for you to consider R? Like others have said, rug sweep is not a solution

I'm not sweeping anything under the rug and I'm not expecting anything to be solved today. What I can say is that I am a different person than I was 3 weeks ago and I feel things for my wife that I never thought I would feel eg. coldness and sadness and betrayal (but the coldness is the most surprising).

Excellent! I believe you have your head on as straight as possible right now.

I don't think you are a fool. Rugsweeping is a common, human response. I just wanted to make sure you were thinking about it.

What has she told you about why she cheated? It's important that she get to the bottom of that so she can be a safe spouse for you from here on.

Initially it was a lot of blaming me for what she did but I refused to take all the blame.

We've been going back and forth... initially I thought she may be bipolar but I don't think that's right and neither is menopause (obviously).

Today I have been reading quite a few articles about mid-life crisis (she is 48 and a fading beauty). I think this is closer to the mark. All the points (eg. 9 Signs your wife is having a mid-life crisis) I read are spot on.

Whatever it is, it's basically the same advise.

Take care of yourself... do the 180.